LoveAtLast Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I am going crazy! I am madly in love with the most wonderful man, who happens to still be married. We met while we were separated from our spouses, beginning divorces. When our spouses threatened to tie our kids up in court or keep us from them, we 'tried to make things work' with them again, even though my we knew we had finally found the love of our lives. Well, my ex finally agreed things were over (never existed actually) and I am officially divorced, but my MM's spouse is stubbornly refusing to divorce even though she admits the marriage is over. He is super close to his kids, who are very young, and wants to preserve the best arrangement possible. He told me in that he would make his move in June, so at least I don't have to wait until oblivion, but I am having such a hard time waiting. We love each other immensely, he is able to see me once a week, but it is behind her back, even though she knows he loves me and still talks to me. ( He dated me openly when he was separated from her) . About every other week I flip out a little and want him to separate again now, but then I know that in the middle of a school year is not a good idea for the kids, and his job is very unsteady and that would put way too much stress on him. Ok...I guess here is my question. Does anyone here really think that a situation so complicated can really work out? Did marrying the wrong people the first time curse us to never having true happiness in each other? We want to be together so bad, but we don't want to ruin his kids' lives. But his current marriage is so lifeless, would it be worse for the kids to grow up with them not loving each other? Has anyone else out there waited for a MM to be free and married and had a wonderful life? Tell me there is a way for us.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Having an affair and staying married works for him and you are enabling him to continue so why would he change that?
Author LoveAtLast Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Actually, it doesn't work for him. He is as distraught as I am about being apart. They have not had a marriage for a very long time - she even frequents dating sites and tells him about who she meets. Actually, she even wanted his permission to have sex in their own house with other guys...she did it too. It is only for the kids that they are still legally married...and she doesn't want it to be known that she has another failed marriage (#2). He is the real parent in the family, and feels that to leave her, no matter how miserable he is, is going to have a huge effect on his kids.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Well, with parents acting like that I'm not sure 'staying for the kids' is a good idea either. They may not do what they are doing in front of the kids, but kids pick up fairly easily on stuff like that. Staying married and miserable will have a far greater impact on the kids than separating and living happily separately. I feel bad for them that they are stuck in a situation like this. There isn't much you can do, really. You can either stay in your capacity as OW or you can walk away. It doesn't sound like he is planning on leaving any time soon. He probably had a hard time with separating the first time and doesn't want to go through that again.
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 About every other week I flip out a little and want him to separate again now, but then I know that in the middle of a school year is not a good idea for the kids, and his job is very unsteady and that would put way too much stress on him. If you two are meant to be together, then it will happen. Right now too much is going on for him to change things. Suggestion? Focus on YOU and your life, your own kids, work, family, friends. Don't put all your eggs in one (his) basket for your happiness. Love is supposed to be selfLESS, not selfish. Just because you want him NOW, and can't, doesn't mean the end of the world. Why is it that you are freaking out? Patience and allowing him to do things the right and proper way. If you two sneak off more and more, the A will just continue and he won't DO anything. He'll stay married and keep you on side. Try going NC for afew weeks to a month. Allow him time and space to get the D going. IF he doesn't, then it means that he feels the need to stay at home because of his children. Right or wrong reason, it's HIS decision. He wants to be a father who sees his kids everyday and everynight. He may have to sacrifice his own happiness for a while, so be it.
Author LoveAtLast Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Love is supposed to be selfLESS, not selfish. Just because you want him NOW, and can't, doesn't mean the end of the world. Why is it that you are freaking out? Patience and allowing him to do things the right and proper way. You are wise. I tell myself those very words nearly every day. I flip out because I am not this type of person. I am a conservative, simple gal who was made to be a wife and mom. Not a mistress who encourages cheating and breaking up marriages. He is a good man too. This is just such a mess. Well, our plan is June, after the kids are out of school, for him to file. He told me that if it hasn't happened by then that we should call it over because he doesn't want me to live like this forever. He wants to move right in with me at that point, but it would make it harder for him to have the custody he wants. So he will have to live on his own for awhile...which will be very difficult. He has considered sacrificing his happiness while his children grow up...but we have known others who did that, and it angered the children to think their parents lived a lie all their life when they got divorced after 15 or 20 years of marriage. His kids are young, and are in that window that would likely adapt better now than at any other time.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Ok...I guess here is my question. Does anyone here really think that a situation so complicated can really work out? Did marrying the wrong people the first time curse us to never having true happiness in each other? We want to be together so bad, but we don't want to ruin his kids' lives. But his current marriage is so lifeless, would it be worse for the kids to grow up with them not loving each other? Has anyone else out there waited for a MM to be free and married and had a wonderful life? Tell me there is a way for us. I think it can definitely work as long as the two of you are committed to seeing it through...It will hard, it will be draining and it will be an emotional roller coaster in the beginning, but if you two love each other and are willing to do the work, then it can work out... It is his decision about whether to stay or go, though...He will have to reconcile the thought of ruining his kid's lives and co-parenting his children with his W without being married...If he cannot do that, then it's going to mean that your R will never change from the MM/OW R... Mine is in the process of D right now...And honestly some days it is so draining and emotional...But that's not the majority of the time and we are committed to each other...Our R is special and we nurture it and we communicate and we put each other first...It's give and take from/for both of us...So I fully expect to say that I got my happy ending not too long from now... I'm not being overly arrogant, although I know some people think I come off that way...I am just very blessed with the R that I have with my honey...I could not ask for a better man or partner...And I refuse to believe that our R is doomed just because other people don't like the idea... Welcome to the forum! GEL
nextel Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I am going crazy! I am madly in love with the most wonderful man, who happens to still be married. We met while we were separated from our spouses, beginning divorces. When our spouses threatened to tie our kids up in court or keep us from them, we 'tried to make things work' with them again, even though my we knew we had finally found the love of our lives. Well, my ex finally agreed things were over (never existed actually) and I am officially divorced, but my MM's spouse is stubbornly refusing to divorce even though she admits the marriage is over. He is super close to his kids, who are very young, and wants to preserve the best arrangement possible. He told me in that he would make his move in June, so at least I don't have to wait until oblivion, but I am having such a hard time waiting. We love each other immensely, he is able to see me once a week, but it is behind her back, even though she knows he loves me and still talks to me. ( He dated me openly when he was separated from her) . About every other week I flip out a little and want him to separate again now, but then I know that in the middle of a school year is not a good idea for the kids, and his job is very unsteady and that would put way too much stress on him. Ok...I guess here is my question. Does anyone here really think that a situation so complicated can really work out? Did marrying the wrong people the first time curse us to never having true happiness in each other? We want to be together so bad, but we don't want to ruin his kids' lives. But his current marriage is so lifeless, would it be worse for the kids to grow up with them not loving each other? Has anyone else out there waited for a MM to be free and married and had a wonderful life? Tell me there is a way for us. Welcome! I hope your stay here is fruitful and that you learn to ignore the cynics. I am sure based on the replies you've gotten thus far, you tell who is mature enough and who isn't. But thats not what I wanted to respond to. My question is this....if he is so unhappy, and W sees other people and she has sex with other men in his house.....why is your R/A with him such a secret? If you both want it to work, there is nothing that will hinder that. Sometimes, marrying the wrong people is a way for people to appreciate the good things when they finally do happen. The children will always be happy if the parents are happy. My MM is not yet free on paper, but he is free in his heart. There is nothing he wont do for me, within reason of course. He has made significant progress in demonstrating that he is serious about what he says he wants. It was emotionally draining at times, but people like GEL helped me understand that it is part of the R and it depends on how you handle things. I have been blessed in the sense that he communicates with me and vice versa. Granted, he has been through alot more than I have....things did not work out with the mother of his children, he married someone and thats not sitting right with him, and somehow, we were put together after crossing paths so many times over the last 6 years. He now appreciates a good woman as I do a good man. Hopefully I will be able to answer your question more precisely in a few months. There's always hope. If you dont have hope and faith, then you have nothing. Good luck to you.
Author LoveAtLast Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 (edited) Thank you sooo much for the encouragement! We both feel we have a very special R, one that not many people ever get to experience. We are confident that one day we will be able to be finish our love story with a beautiful ending. It is so nice to know there are other people out there are in the same boat. So many people are so negative. Why do we have to 'hide' it from his W? She seems to think he will 'get over' me. He mentioned having an open M to her a few months ago and she shot that down. She is a very selfish person. Edited January 21, 2008 by LoveAtLast
Owl Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Do you talk to her, or do you get all your information from him? There's no garauntee that what he's saying about her actions/attitudes is the truth...have you had any other collaberation of his side of things? And again, what does it matter if she thinks he'll "get over you" or not as far as whether your relationship is out in the open. Why should it matter what she thinks? For that matter, why isn't HE filing for divorce? He doesn't need her permission, does he?
LILA BELL Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 first of all even i know staying together for the kids is a lame and easy excuse for a MM or MW to give the OW/OM and trust me i dont admit to alot of things that have to do with my MM
Author LoveAtLast Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 I think most MM use one of the same reasons they all use to wait to file. I mean, there can't be that many reasons out there for a man not to be with the woman he loves. Children and finances top the list. It depends on your MM, his character, his true intentions, and who HE is as far as whether the explanations are excuses that will drag things on or obstacles that will be overcome with time and/or much effort. In my current R, our love is very, very strong, we have been through alot and it only brings us closer. I do not worry about the outcome of this, I only struggle with the getting there, being a let's-get-it-done-now type of person. I have not spoken to her, but if I did not completely trust my MM to tell me the truth, I would not be in the R today. While I love him with all my heart, I am a strong, intelligent woman that could walk away if I had to. One the only rules we have ever had between us is, 'Lie to the world but never to me'.
Owl Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 'Lie to the world but never to me' Do you think he likely had a similar thought or agreemant with his wife when they first started dating/married/etc...? I still don't understand why your relationship isn't "out in the open" if he's flat convinced that his marriage is over and its time to move on to you? Why is he waiting until June???
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I have not spoken to her, but if I did not completely trust my MM to tell me the truth, I would not be in the R today. While I love him with all my heart, I am a strong, intelligent woman that could walk away if I had to. One the only rules we have ever had between us is, 'Lie to the world but never to me'. Sorry, but this man IS and HAS been lying to wife for a long long time...And he's married to her with children. THAT wasn't enough to make him NOT lie to her, so please, don't fool yourself into thinking he hasn't lied to you, or omitted the truth from you. At one time he obviously DID love his wife, enough to marry her and create children with her. Sorry to sound harsh, but what makes you think that this man is capable of being fully honest and upfront with you at all times?
Author LoveAtLast Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 People don't always get married because they love the other person, which in both his and my marriages was the case. Sometimes you get married because of pressures from other people, or because you are in rebound. Foolish, stupid, yes. But then after a few months you realize what you have done, but think, well, I guess I should just make the best of it. And then you do what you can to live the typical American life. Then after a few years, the reality of living like you are FOREVER sinks in. You don't really want to end it all on the hopes that you will find something better, but you start opening your heart up to the idea. Then, one day, you meet that person that changes your life forever. And you realize that you are now faced with a new reality - your happiness is within reach, finally, but to achieve it other people must lose theirs. Yeah, it is selfish. But in the end, after the kids leave home, and start their own lives, and never call you or care what you sacrificed, who will be there when you get old? Yes, he has lied to his wife, but the original mistake was marrying her in the first place, which they BOTH know they shouldn't have done. Sometimes you have to dig yourself out of the hole you have made and get dirty in the process. Have you ever lied to anyone? Have you ever hidden the truth to get what you want in life? Maybe not out and out fibbed, but were sneaky? Most people have. It is not something anyone sets out to do, but very few people, when faced with what they want most in life will say no based on morals alone. Most people fear judgment from others, God, or their own guilt to keep them honest. So, yes, I trust him implicitly. As much as you can trust any human being in life. We are ALL capable of error.
Owl Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I apologize. I went back and re-read your initial post, trying to understand what you were looking for here. You clearly and concisely spelled it out: Has anyone else out there waited for a MM to be free and married and had a wonderful life? Tell me there is a way for us. Since I'm not in a position to tell you that, I'm not sure I can offer any further recommendations. Good luck to you.
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