kateangel Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 hiya all, i am really confused. I have a husband of only 2 years (we knew each other a while before) and a daughter of 17 months. i have lost all passion and love for him, he is more like a child, i have to look after him, provide for him etc. i do my best to cope, but i am thinking is it worth it? he wont get a job or do anything useful with himself. he is lazy and is almost on the level of a child, with silly tantrums. all he is interested in is his damn computer/xbox. i am a student, doing a full time degree, and have a part time job cleaning at a hospital - yet i still do the cooking/cleaning/paying bills/travel etc. i feel like i am looking after 2 children! anyways, i thought i could cope with this, try and build his confidence, or at least make him more useful around the house - and hoped i could change him. i also thought, because i havent been married long, it would look bad that i had given up so early. Lately though, there has been some changes. i have made friends with a guy mostly online, but we have met quite a few times. he has made it clear that he has feelings for me, and i really really like him. i would go as far to say i love him. but nothing has happened, i respect my husband, daughter and him too much to put everyone through a stupid affair. but i cant stop thinking how life would be so much better with 'him' - he can support himself and just seems to care so much more about me than the hubby. basically, most of the reason i havent left is because of my daughter. my husband used to live in gloucester, almost 5 hours from where i live, and i think, because there isnt much here for him, he would try and take my daughter with him to gloucester. on the rare occassions we fight, he always uses it against me - saying how he will take her and not come back. i have spoken to my mum and she said because i am working etc i would have more chances of keeping my daughter than he would, but i dont think its that simple. i just cant live my life without her - and if i end things and they turn sour, i really dont want her to grow up seeing this. on one hand, i think i should keep going even tho im not happy, but for the sake of her, because she is so important... but on the other i want to be with 'him' with the hope that i could still have my daughter with me. i really dont know what to do... can anyone help?
amaysngrace Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Why didn't you consider your husband's lack of ambition before you got married? I'm confused by that. Most people see the future at least a little bit before they decide to marry someone. How did you not see this coming? As far as the online guy...cheating is wrong in any capacity IMO. Even if it's only starts out as a friendship. But it's become more than that when you discuss your feelings for one another. I don't see how your husband doing wrong makes it okay for you to do wrong too. How can you even begin to work on your marriage when you are giving your energy to another man? I'm not saying your husband is a saint. He shirks his responsibilities and it's easy to lose respect when someone does that. But to retaliate by having an emotional affair with someone else isn't a very respectable way to act either.
Nomad1 Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 You started by depicting an image of your husband as being childlike and totally useless as a parent. You described yourself as shouldering the responsibilities for all 3 of you. You then proceeded to talk about how you 'love' this man you have been chatting to online, in the context of what is effectively an Emotional Affair. Is this the reason for your sudden urge to end your relationship with your husband? Ask yourself, 'would I have felt this way if the other man was not in the picture?', 'does his presence in my 'virtual' life cloud my judgment?'. Talk to your husband. Go to MC and/or IC. Good luck, you need it. Nomad1
PinkRibbon Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 My opinion and this is just my opinion is that when someone new comes in the picture, as your online "friend" has, then things that annoy you about your spouse tend to explode. They can look larger than they are. No matter what will happen as long as your "friend" is around you will constantly find fault with anything your spouse has or will do. If you want to make things work with your husband then you need to stop contact with this "friend" because weather you want to recognize it you're are having an emotional affair with your "friend". Cheating is cheating no matter what the reason. So you need to decide what you want out of life and head towards that goal.
Author kateangel Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 ouch... i think i deserve it but ouch... things have been bad between us before my online friend came along, but i accept the fact this may be the final straw where my marriage finishes. as for planning for the future, i thought i could fix it all, i am a bit like that... but since i had my daughter my priorities have changed, i cant just lie down and accept that he will never do anything for the rest of his life. i want you all to know, that despite this emotional affair, we really havent done anything, i know that probably means nothing to all of you, but... argh i dont know...
LostHusband Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 At least you admit that you've been having an emotional affair. My wife has been doing the same thing with a coworker - lots of texting/chatting/talking about their feelings. I told her she was having an emotional affair and she just laughed and said "There's no such thing!" Wish she could at least admit it to herself what she has been doing is wrong...
redblack66 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 At least you admit that you've been having an emotional affair. My wife has been doing the same thing with a coworker - lots of texting/chatting/talking about their feelings. I told her she was having an emotional affair and she just laughed and said "There's no such thing!" Wish she could at least admit it to herself what she has been doing is wrong... No, they don't admit EAs, and if it is admitted, you are the reason for it.
Author kateangel Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 im sorry to hear that has happened 2 u LostHusband... in think part of why this is all ending between me and my friend, is the influence of people on this site. i hate the idea that i could make my husband feel so sad and alone. i dont want to feel like one of those selfish women that has betrayed their husbands. i thank you all for your advice, kate x
LifesontheUp Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 So you've only been married 2 years........did you love him when you married him? If you did then why don't you try and give marriage counselling a go? Honestly, you are living a fantasy with this OM at the moment and come on you are not in love with someone you have never met.....its more like infatuation. Of course he seems more interested in you, he's paying you the attention that your husband used to before things got mundane. What makes you think that if you took up with this OM that in 2 years things wouldn't be like they are with your husband at the moment? My xH thought his OW was the best thing since sliced bread, she was his soul mate, he thought he fell in love too. I kicked him out and his little fantasy world came crashing down on him. It was nothing like he thought it would be..........you see real life came around and the fantasy life faded away rather fast. He came to realise that what he had with me was better and could be worked on. But it was too late as I didn't want him any longer. I think you should sit down with your husband and perhaps discuss some marriage counselling if he's agreeable. Try working on your marriage if you can before its too late and you regret it.
smileysmile Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Damn..there is some very good advice given here And it ALL makes sense. LISTEN to what they are saying. EVERYTHING in reply to your post is good advice. Your H needs a good kick up the backside. You need to convey your thoughts to him the best you can.
Recommended Posts