spooty Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I don't really know what to do. Me and my ex have been broken up for about a month now but we still hang out and have sex once in a while. Not that much has changed other than the title, and he doesn't like when my roommates slip and say he's my boyfriend because he says "i don't belong to anyone". other than him getting pissy about that we get along great. We broke up because he says he can't return the love that i have for him. I'm a very emotional/sensitive person and he isn't. he goes to the point of saying he doesn't really feel strongly about anything, he says i'm wasting it on him and i should find someone who can give back what i have to give. Though, we're best friends and that's why we continue to hang out and get along and have fun. the other day i went to his apt to work on a project and he could tell i was upset and i told him that even though the breakup was easy on him(since he doesn't have the emotion to work through), it's hard on me. he wanted to make me feel better so he suggested that we have NC, but i didn't want that because i'd be losing my bf AND my best friend. then he said he could fake like we're ok until the end of the semester, but i didn't want to do that because i'd always know he didn't feel anything. I said i felt like i was losing him but he said he'll always be there for me, and i wasn't losing him because we were still good friends. He keeps suggesting that i date other people and that he wouldn't mind, he'd even be ok meeting them, but i've tried dating a little and i feel like i'm cheating. He wanted to make me feel better but we couldn't really figure out a way to do it. I was just hurting because i was around him, and he couldn't really understand it. He said he tried really hard not to do anything to make me jealous or sad, but i told him it's not anything he does, it's just being around him. I think what i'd like is to stay together as friends, i love him and he's very important to me. he's not planning on dating anyone since he thinks he's not suited for relationships. Even if he can't return the things i feel i'll still feel them, and the worst outcome would be having him out of my life, we've been friends since 8th grade! Should i suggest the together as friends thing? the way things are worded are important to him, and he doesn't want to be "owned" by any relationship. He really does want me to be happy, but i don't want him to think i'm wasting it on him. I really don't want to date anyone else. Maybe he's like it if i worded it something like exclusive friends with benefits?
CalamitousJane Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Spooty, have you ever heard of "projection"? Sometimes people who are afraid to let themselves feel certain emotions are drawn to people who are very emotional. That way they can be surrounded by the emotions that they are afraid to feel or express themselves. He says he doesn't feel what you feel, but my guess is that he's just not aware of what's going on deep inside. He probably feels guilty that he can't express his feelings as clearly as you can. Seems like nothing has changed in your relationship, except his definition of it. Maybe he doesn't feel like he can be a "real" boyfriend because of his "emotionlessness". Being best friends with benefits might be the closest he can allow himself to get to you right now. Would you feel alright with staying "best friends with benefits" if you both agree to stay exclusive with each other?
Author spooty Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 I really would be ok with it! It does seem like emotionless people like him are drawn to very emotional people, maybe because they want to learn something. He's had some issues in his childhood that would certainly account for any repression or ignoring of feelings. I'm sure he has emotions he just can't recognize them. He thinks i'm different in the emotional sense and we were drawn to each other because we were very good compliments, he's very logical, i'm very emotional, i'm creative and he's an engineer, he's more charismatic in a group and i'm more shy, i think the strength of our friendship is that we can each do what the other can't. I'm the only one he's ever described as "free-spirited" and whenever he does it seems like that he thought i could give him something that he needed. He says he wants me in his life and i want him in mine, but he just can't love. on the one hand i think he feels guilty for keeping me from finding someone who can love me back, but i think he doesn't want me to give up on hi either(or maybe i just don't want to) I think that he will lead a pretty solitary life if i'm not around. He's pretty social but doesn't let many people "in" and is friendships are very short lived, i've been around the longest. the thing is, he says he shouldn't be in relationship and he's not a dater, so i think he'll stay mostly alone. but i don't know if he thinks he SHOULD be alone or if he really just wants to be alone. i'm personally thinking it is the first because he always has a hard time pinning down what he wants instead of what he thinks he's supposed to do. i'm not a "fixer" because i didn't think he was broken when i got with him, i just don't want to give up on what i started!
CalamitousJane Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Sounds like you're doing the best possible thing. Just keep reassuring him that there are no "shoulds" with you and you're crazy about him just the way he is. Call it whatever you want, but if it includes being best friends and having good sex it sounds great to me. To be on the safe side, I'd check in with him about whether you two are being exclusive with each other. Something like, "I just wanted to tell you I'm happy with the way things are between us and I'm not looking for someone else to be my boyfriend. I hope the same is true for you." Just to avoid any nasty misunderstandings.
NiceGirlcomeslast Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 In a way I don't really feel equipped to respond to this, I am no expert on relationships. But I was in a situation very similar to yours up until about a week ago and I don't know if someone who is describing themselves as "very emotional" can handle being with someone who will never return their love long term as "friends". I understand that losing your ex from your life would be horrendous, right now I would rather be hit by a truck than never see my ex again because I adore him but doesn't it hurt when he talks about you meeting other guys, the way he refuses to be with you properly, that he is so open to the idea of going NC. Friends who are sexual exclusively is a relationship whether you call it that or not and he can't do relationships, he couldn't before and he probably wont in the near future. It's going to come to a head eventually. He clearly has feelings for you he is concerned about your welfare, doesn't want you to be hurt, it seems like he is trying to set you free because he knows he can't ever give you what you clearly need. I just think maybe you should think about whether your "friendship" is going to end up hurting you in the long run.
Author spooty Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 It does hurt a lot when he suggests that i see other guys, and he doesn't understand why it does. he says he'll do what would make me happy, whether i decide NC or friends or whatever. the thing is i don't know what would make me happy! i think if we could be just friends but have our own lives it would be the best, but i don't know if i could emotionally do that. he's my first love and it's not like we even ended on bad terms. how do you stop loving someone when you can't find anything to hate about them? i think i will feel something as long as he's there and so far every time i try to date i feel like i'm betraying him, even though he said he doesn't mind. the closest thing to a solution is that i tell him that i have feelings of love regardless of whether or not they are returned. and i think that having his friendship outweighs the pain i'd have from unreciprocated love, for right now.
CalamitousJane Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 When he says he wants you to see other guys, do you think it could mean he wants to see other women? If so, now would be a good time to stop sleeping with him. If not, my guess is that he's suffered some kind of horrible betrayal and loss of love before, and he's expecting you to repeat the pattern.
Author spooty Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 he's told me he's not going to see anyone for a long time, plus he just broke up wit me saying that he shouldn't be in a relationship why would he go find another. we still spend most of our free time with each other so it's not like he even has time to go find someone else.
CalamitousJane Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 So it seems like the second possibility is more likely. The more you can be gentle with him and "there" for him the better. But just to make sure, I'd get a clear, verbal exclusivity agreement out of him before you hop in bed with him again.
wizzlebee Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Spooty i know your intentions are good and out of love but this guy dont love you. Let him go. Be a friend if you must but only just a friend. No sex involved. Cause you not gonna stop hurting if you continue the way you are. You deserve more.
NiceGirlcomeslast Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I am just not sure if him not wanting anyone else is going to make him not wanting you hurt any less. Because he is not sleeping with anyone else doesn't mean you wont get hurt there are many other ways for a man to hurt you that don't include another woman. One of those ways is to let you hold on to a dead relationship because of selfishness, because of guilt or because even though he can't give you want you need he really really likes you and wants you in his life. I understand, I really do, going NC with my ex who was my first love the first guy I ever even really liked has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Ending on good terms is difficult, with my ex we still acted like we were together, hanging out, kissing etc, he'd kiss the back of my neck and tell me how much he cared about me, hold my hand when we walked about. It was great and it was easy to carry on doing it, I knew we didn't break up because he wanted someone else, he told me repeatedly that I gave him everything he needed, but in the end he couldn't give me everything I needed. And playing at being together for me was worst than not being together, being so close and it not being enough to change his mind to make him work through his "issues" and be my boyfriend was heartbreaking. I don't want to make my story your story, you know if you can handle it. Whether he expects you to hurt him or he just can't be in a relationship because of other issues, right now he is having his cake and eating it. Why is he going to change a situation where he gets everything he needs, you give him the physical side and he has to give you nothing back apart from his company. It's a good breakup at the moment no hard feelings just disappointment and regret. If you continue down this road where you could be willingly or unwillingly taken advantage of then you might not be lucky enough to keep a friend at the end of it all. I feel like I am preaching, and at the end of the day if I could handle being with my ex in the way you are with yours I would, but I couldn't and I think you should really think about whether you can.
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