Jmina Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Hey everybody. If you reading this now, first just take a few deep breaths and make sure your calm. be aware of the muscles in your neck and shoulders and relax them. breath. roll your wrists (dont want to get carpal tunnel syndrome) and gently turn your head right to left, down and up. if you are full of head chatter and hazyness and blurriness in your mind. open a word document and type EVERYTHING in your head untill it is all gone. until your mind is much calmer. write even if youve writtin the same thing over and over, even if it doesnt makes sense, it doesnt matter. the point isnt to make sense. its to clear your mind. room for direction. smile. force a smile. there ARE things to smile about. you are alive. there are many people who want that for others, who want it to stay for themselves, and here we are with all the opportunities in the world but we cant see it because we are HEARTBROKEN. just for a second. forget, ignore, that your heartbroken and remember what you do have. if you really feel that you have nothing, nothing other than the air in your lungs - then you have everything to gain. youve got a hand in the jackpot ..nothing to loose. things always change. NOTHING stays the same. anything that feels bad comes to good, sometimes the other way around but it alwyas changes. It wouldnt be life if you didnt have a tragedy. It wouldnt be life if you didnt have a window open after the tragedy. you are exactly where you are meant to be write now. in the depths of your sadness or in the highs of your rollarcoaster its is right. because as the very same time it is giving you strength when you step out of it. accept how bad you feel and know that in time it will only benefit you. - if you let it- ----------------------------------------------------------------------- me 8 months since i seen her. 6 or so months of no contact, except for a email last week. which i am very glad i sent. i got a reply to my suprise.. It was a combination of my email and the reply that helped but mostly it was what i had to free from myself and give to her that really helped. I apologised for things, i told her now how strong and peaceful i am, i thanked her for helping me find who i am from the breakup, and i gave her permission to hate me. when you can say to your ex "i whole heartedly give you my permission to hate me now" and really be okay with it... is a good thing. Well i'm at the stage where i dont really mind what she thinks about me now, which is so much more freeing as a lot of my sadness before was hurt because i wanted her to love me and see who i really was in her eyes. i still feel frustrated that the only person that i want/wanted to love me for who i am and see how wonderful i am - cant and wont. i mean everybody else i know tells me how wonderful and big hearted i am and unique... but she cant see it. or wont. so i find that a bit frustrating - sometimes if i let it A LOT frustrating... but when i deal with it, i know that she is on her own path and i am on my own path and that it is okay. another thing that has occured to me is that i have been ignoring the fact that i might have fallen out of love with her and have been forcing myself to stay in love because i feel like a bad person if i stop loving her. mainly because i said i would always love her. ..well i will always have a spot for her, and fond memories, but i think that now...i am okay with falling out of love with her. where as before i didnt want to think about it or accept it. i still love her in someway. but its not a way that needs to be brought up or reminded. this is all very freeing. i really wanted to keep my heart open and doing so i ignored the fact that its okay to fall out of love because i was afraid it was going to close my heart. but i have come along enough now to have the mindset and clarity to seperate being in love with someone, falling out of love and still keeping an open heart. its okay to fall out of love. the fact that i loved her in the first place and so pure and whole has been recorded in the universe. it doesnt go uncounted. i am okay to let go now. i now hold my own heart again. I knew that i could get through this by myself. using my own wisdom that i had gained through this. by really opening my mind up, by talking and writing it out. by asking friends and loveshack friends anything that bothered me. it has been so much more than a breakup. the door that closed on me was shocking, devastating and heartbreaking, but the window that opened is huge, and its warm and inviting. It is a much better place to be in... i can even see its curtains are flowing in the wind beconing me to step through. what a journey!! im really looking forward to this year. Also i want to stay on love shack to help others when i feel i can do so. So there you have it fellow loveshackers. I once was a girl back in may 07 who had fallen off the face of the earth, for a good 7 months, now all she can see are ways to get back on top again. Its all good. it CAN be for you too. Jmina
Green Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 So your inerstorm is calming down and the outlook is good weather eh. Well try to enjoy things more then before, now that you made it through some real pain
Author Jmina Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 I called it "this pain....like no other' hoping that people would familiarise with it and click on my post. The inner storm calmed down a long time ago actually, it was more of a rollarcoaster than an inner storm.. i never really had an inner storm after the intital devestation died down after she left months ago. . I hope your inner storm calms down soon, it will bring alot to you.
Green Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I called it "this pain....like no other' hoping that people would familiarise with it and click on my post. The inner storm calmed down a long time ago actually, it was more of a rollarcoaster than an inner storm.. i never really had an inner storm after the intital devestation died down after she left months ago. . I hope your inner storm calms down soon, it will bring alot to you. thnx. Roller coaster riding is a good way of describing it, alot of highs and lows and sometimes you get taken for a loop
burning 4 revenge Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 was this a girl/ girl relationship?
burning 4 revenge Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Wow I never think of lesbian relationships as being emotionally intense. I usually think that they do it to turn guys on, but you seemed to really be decimated by this girl
Author Jmina Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 well you have a lot to learn about love. open your mind. i was never decimated. also i would rather stay to the topic of the post thanks.
Trimmer Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 ...and i gave her permission to hate me. when you can say to your ex "i whole heartedly give you my permission to hate me now" and really be okay with it... is a good thing. Have you given yourself permission to forgive her yet? I think you'll find, when you're ready in time, that will also be a good thing. what a journey!! im really looking forward to this year. Me too, Jmina... It's a powerful thing when you've been trying for so long to convince yourself that your future will be good, and you finally reach a point where you actually start to believe it...
Author Jmina Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Hey trimmer, ive forgiven her needing to take a seperate path, because i understand. i havnt forgiven her for hurting me. not truly. i know this because if i was to talk to her i know all i would want to say is "you hurt me, so much, do you know this?" this is coming with the whole accepting that i dont love her like i did anymore. i didnt want to be angry with her because i wanted to keep my heart open. i am angry with her. im not furious, but i havnt dealt with some of it until i am able to let go of loving her. so it my new thing. thanks trimmer.
Trimmer Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Hey trimmer, ive forgiven her needing to take a seperate path, because i understand. i havnt forgiven her for hurting me. not truly. i know this because if i was to talk to her i know all i would want to say is "you hurt me, so much, do you know this?" this is coming with the whole accepting that i dont love her like i did anymore. i didnt want to be angry with her because i wanted to keep my heart open. i am angry with her. im not furious, but i havnt dealt with some of it until i am able to let go of loving her. so it my new thing. thanks trimmer. Well, it's a process, and almost all of what you say here could have come from me ( including the use of "her" everywhere ) For me, it's been almost 2-1/2 years, and it was just last week that I realized (it snuck up on me, dressed in a different wrapper, quite to my surprise...) that I might be ready to forgive her, really and truly in my own heart. So I'm not even saying "you need to forgive..." because I don't see it as something to which you can drag yourself as a destination, by sheer force of will. I think it is a place that, if you are lucky, you will eventually find yourself. But I do think I recognize the journey you are on, and I'm rooting you on.
Author Jmina Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Hey thanks man. i feel that everything that i have fallen apon has been just in the right order and well i think i will fall into being able to forgive also. i think it is important not to force anything, and strive for destinations that really arent a) a destination at all or b) invalid
sedgwick Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Wow I never think of lesbian relationships as being emotionally intense. Are you even serious? My god, there's NOTHING more emotionally intense than a lesbian relationship! And I know this may come as a surprise, but men have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with it. If you're attracted to women, why would you give the slightest f*ck whether men are turned on?!? Jmina, it's good to know that after 7 months things got better for you. I'm at just over 6 months and still think about him every second of every day, but at least I can get out of bed now, and some days I don't even cry. Still, I miss him constantly. I'd give anything to have him back. Sometimes I wonder if he even remembers me. That's how inconsequential I was to him.
jdeedee Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Sedgwick, I promise you from the depths of my heart that he remembers you. We leave an imprint on every person we meet in our lives. There is no way that someone could spend so much time with another person and not effect their lives in substantial ways.
AriaIncognito Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Wow I never think of lesbian relationships as being emotionally intense. I usually think that they do it to turn guys on, but you seemed to really be decimated by this girl Why would you assume love between 2 same sex partners would be any less intense than love between heterosexual partners? Love is love. It hurts regardless of gender/age/religion/etc. It also feels great and knows no bounds, regardless of gender/age/religion/etc. Jmina - I'm glad you've been able to find some peace. I've had boughts of that, here and there, where I've accepted what things are despite the unhappiness it brought me. Things all happen for a reason, right?
Author Jmina Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 the love between between same sex people is often even more intense than alot of hetero relationships because mostly that is what the relationship is about - just love. love is what brought them together not sex, not outside pressures, i mean people live their lives hidden about themselves and their sexuality and find it impossible to be apart no matter how big the challange. and it is because of love. the love between 2 women is beautiful and if you happen to find yourself in it then you are very lucky. Thanks sedgwick. i'm glad also, i feel that if i hadnt done my own personal growth that i would still be in the midst of heartache though. yes ariawoman everything happens for a reason for sure . im going to make a new post about this in relation to breakups. Jmina
Green Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Jmina your relationship wasn't just love, you were sexualy drawn
Author Jmina Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 No actually i wasnt sexually drawn KMT. I was fasinated with her, and i didnt actually want a sexual relationship at the begining that came quite a bit after. I am stating how a lot of same sex couples - particulary women, come together. of course there is sexual attraction in the relationsihp but to start with it isnt what brought us together and it is the same for a lot of others too.
burning 4 revenge Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Why would you assume love between 2 same sex partners would be any less intense than love between heterosexual partners? I think on some kind of chemical level its less intense But I dont want to threadjack
Green Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I think on some kind of chemical level its less intense But I dont want to threadjack dude even if you are right you gotta realize why this girl is going to be insulted by you saying this, are you looking for confrontation, lets go tell that canadien guy his country sucks. Oh by the way homo sexuals feel pain too just look at all that great emotional music Queen made
burning 4 revenge Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 dude even if you are right you gotta realize why this girl is going to be insulted by you saying this, are you looking for confrontation, lets go tell that canadien guy his country sucks. Oh by the way homo sexuals feel pain too just look at all that great emotional music Queen made Youre right on two points (a) I dont want to insult anyone (b) Canada sucks
Ocean-Blue Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 dude even if you are right you gotta realize why this girl is going to be insulted by you saying this, are you looking for confrontation, lets go tell that canadien guy his country sucks. Oh by the way homo sexuals feel pain too just look at all that great emotional music Queen made You have a fascination with Canada, don't you? Jmina, it sucks that you're going through all this emotional pain right now. However, I think relflecting on this pain and writing it out is a great way to deal with it. I guess you can fully move on when you forgive her and let of the anger. Have you tried to forgive her? Or is it that you are just not ready?
Leia Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Love between two same genders are more intense! My gay friend is having hard time dealing with the break up too. He's really distraught and I can understand the pain you're gong through, Jmina. I hope things will look up later on for you...
Author Jmina Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 well burning 4 revenge i was quite affended as you don't have any idea to the dynamics of my ex relationship - i have been in hetero and same sex relationships. i still stand by what i said. oh you believe the chemical level is less intense...? lol really well, jsut because it didnt start with sex doesnt mean it didnt end up hotter than a porn movie. no really it was a very intense relationship both physical and emotional hense having a hard time with the break up. dont get this confused with what i said before about same sex relationships coming together because of love not based on sex. the chemistry was there to start with and the fireworks came later. im glad you arent here to affend anybody, i hope you learnt today that its not easier for for anybody in a breakup and it certainly isnt easier for same sex couples... open your heart and your mind, you will only step up to a bigger better level within yourself. its all good. thanks for your input kmt, it is appreciated i didnt expect to have that sort of confrontation in here. Leia thanks, things are looking up for me and have been for quite some time. i am out of the hard yards and im glad for the experience i have been through. experiences equal knowledge gained. i agree ocean blue writing is a wonderful spiritual and theraputic way of dealing with things. i encourage everybody to take it up. i havnt tried to forgive her because i wasnt ready to accept that i may have fallen out of love. so being angry at her was going against keeping my heart open. now that i have accepted that i dont love her anymore - not the girl who is living right now today, (i love the girl i used to know and she will always have a spot) so now i am able to deal with acknowledging that i am angry for her hurting me and i can start to forgive her for those things, i am mostly there. =) i move quickly through my problems when i deal with them because it is all i do and i feel that i do it well and thorough. its really nice to get some support on here that isnt from my usual loveshack group. thankyou guys i hope i can support or even help you too. Faithfully Jmina!
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