spirale Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 We broke up in may 2006, we were together for close to 3 years. It wasn't a clean break. we just stopped contacting each other altogether, and i let go after trying and failing to get things to worked. I knew she was having it hard, and i didn't wanted to give her the emotional baggage of having to deal with the relationship when she was still in sch and have exams and stuff. I was working, and she was schooling, there were alot of things we couldn't agree on, and as much as it hurts, i decided to let her go. The last 19 months without her have been tough. The first few months without her was difficult. It isn't really easy to let go of a relationship after 3 years. Images of her will just pop randomly into my head. Whenever i go to places where we used to hang out, she will appear stubbornly in my mind. I know that's natural, it have after all been a 3 year long relationship, but i try to get on with life, changed my focus to work, and concentrate on that. I didnt think i was ready to meet someone new too, especially when i know that she's still in my mind, and it wouldnt be fair for another person to be the re-bound, and so i shouldered on. Yesterday, i got a phone call from her, she wanted to meet up. I was surprised, and asked her where she wants to go. She couldn't think of a place, and asked if if was free the whole day. I told her yeah, but i needed time to think so i told her i'll call her back later. For the next 2 hours, i was thinking of what to do, and i didnt call her. She called instead, and i didnt pick up. After 3 missed calls, i picked up the phone, and she told me she was downstairs by my apartment. Seeing that there wasnt any other way to avoid, i told her i'll go down. She looks the same, lost some weight. I didnt really know how i should react, what i should talk to her about, or how i should behave in general. She sensed that i was cold, or awkard, and she behaves like how it was from before, making small jokes and stuffs. I didnt want to be a complete jerk after seeing the efforts from her, and i slowly warmed up to her. We went to a place for drinks, talked about how things have been for us the past months, and some of my frens that she knew but didnt keep in contact after we broke up. She wanted to go to town, said wanted to take me out for dinner, so i obliged. We used to meet in town, since neither of us drives, and we stay far apart from each other. I told her i'm driving now, and she looked surprised. (Driving at where i stay is pure expensive) and so we got to town, and she went shopping while i just followed her around and talked somemore. We went for dinner, talked more, and because it was still early after dinner, we went to a ice cream place, and shared an ice-cream and made small talks. I told her what's changed in my life, basically work, and what's changed in my friend's life. She told me she's now a teacher, and she doesn't really like what's she doing, and intend to quit once the bond runs out. I sent her back, and when i reach her place, i didnt get out of the car. I used to walk her straight to her apartment and give her a good night kiss every time we went out, but i didn't think i should as it isnt the same anymore. She stayed in the car, and asked me if we were still friends. I told her that if i didnt regard her as one, i would never have spend the day today with her. she hesistated, and i could see she was struggling to ask another questions. She didnt managed to get that question out, got off the car, and told me to drive carefully on my way back home. So i texted her and said that i was home safe. a while later, she said she was glad, and i told her if she was in some sort of trouble, or if she needs someone to talk to, she could call me, and that was when she asked if we could start over from being friends, i didn't reply. That was more than 12 hours ago. and 10 hours ago, she texted again to check out, and said that if i didnt know the answer, i should let her know, so that she knows how to go on from here. I didn't reply.
Author spirale Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 I found out that she went back to her ex a few months after we break up. and they have some problems lately again. It seems that they broke up for good this time, and maybe just maybe, she's grown up a little, and feels that i am more suitable for her. But i dun want to be the re-bound. If she is looking for someone to fill the void. I don't want to be that someone. I know i still care for her. I'm not sure if this is out of love, or for someone who i have after all shared 3 years of my life with. I am willing to be there for her if she needs help, but i am unwilling to be the void-filler. It isnt going to work out for both of us if that is true. Her not telling me about the relationship after us is also something that i cant accept. I have to find that out for myself. Without honesty in a relationship, it's hard, and without honesty, there isn't any trust. And these 2 are the most important and solid foundation in any relationship. I'm not sure how i should react now. I'm confused. I don't want to go through the same bull**** of getting hurt again, especially by the same person, and especially by a person i care about. I don't think i can take it again.
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