PLAYBRAT Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I have noticed quite a few threads from guys in this forum, and the Second Chances, Coping section looking for advice from a female POV on what works and what does NOT work in getting back an ex g/f, crush, lover...etc etc. Now, this is of course just MY POV. But I am a woman.I typically think like a woman and react like a woman, so I am going to just tell you what works for ME. I am sure pleNTY of other ladies will chime in. Ok...it would be easier if this were a Q&A section so you could ask the question and we can answer. So I will lay it out. The Breakup: What not to do if SHE breaks up with you 1) Listen to her ....don't act distracted or more interested in Playstation or the football game. Stop what you're doing and LISTEN to her. 2) No begging or crying..even if you feel like it. Do that when she's gone. 3) Let her go gracefully. I KNOW it's easier said than done, but if you don;t have self control you will regret it and have to do damage control later. This shows strength, class and dignity.All the things a woman needs her man to be, even if she does need to leave. 4) No name calling or insulting. Again, this might take enormous self control....but it's imperative. Unless there is abuse or some volatile situation remaining calm in the face of defeat is ALWAYS the best way to walk away. Women always remember the way you treat her, especially during a breakup. 5) If you love her....tell her. EVEN if she IS breaking up with you. It does leave a lasting impression. POST BREAK UP: 1) First and formost if she asked for space, be respectful of that. Don't ASSUME she wants to hear from you...ESPECIALLY if you ever had a hard time giving her space before. If she wants you...she will FIND you. 2) Let her miss you. A lot. Especially if she is sure she "has' you...and is sure about how you feel about her. So whatever NC time you haveset in your mind to do....double it. 3) Contact her ONLY if she contacts YOU first. Why? This is her way of "fishing"..and seeing if you're still on the line. If you show her the SLIGHTEST hint of interest...TOO SOON she will be gone again. The key word here is TOO SOON. See #2 again. It works, but you have to be patient. 4) Date other women. Yes..I said it...........Not a LOT of women. Just one or two, but DO NOT sit around waiting for her. You will look pathetic and weak to her...especially if SHE is already dating again. The more likely she thinks she is losing you EMOTIONALLY the better. All women know a guy can sleep with a woman and not fall in love...but we DO fear him being emotionally involved with another woman...especially if we still have feelings for him. 5) Don't be a manwhore. Sleeping with every chick you meet will only disgust us and make us know we were right for dumping you. That's my top 10.If anyone wants to ask a Q or add anything... join in!!!!
Author PLAYBRAT Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Just to add....this post was for guys who WANT to get back with an ex... and IMO the best ways to help them and minimize their pain and frustration because they don't understand us crazy women!!!! I realize it does not apply to EVERYONE
timjones0674 Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 (edited) I agree with some of what you said above, but it is from a womans perspective. Let me put this into a mature guys perspective. What ever fully mature guy knows- 1) Live your life for yourself. Dont ever worry about dating women or concern yourself with chasing them as that once you start living your life for yourself and your dreams (not someone elses), you will never have an issue finding a date. Women have a unique trait in understanding and appreciating what a mature man is, and once they realize you have this unique trait they will find a way to be with you. 2) There is no one person for you out there, but rather there are millions. Men and women are mostly the same, but just present a different set of combinations and maturity levels. The quicker you realize this, the better off you will be.. The Breaking up- 1) Tell her you that as long as she is happy that is all that matters, and leave her life for good. Never look back.... If she ever seeks you out again, smile and be very cordial to her, but always from then on keep her at arms length. She is friend now and never anything more. She had her chance and she blew it... 2) If she tells you that she has found someone else, congratulate her... No reason to be evil as this is not something that a mature man would ever do. Mature men have a unique trait in being untouchable when it comes to emotions. It is not that we are not in touch with our emotions as we are quite affectionate and loving, but rather that we never allow our emotions to control us. 3) NEVER and I mean NEVER tell a girl that you love her if she just broke up with you! Tell her that you are happy for her, smile and leave!! Remember that a mature man's ability to control our emotions is one of the biggest assets we have. Evolution gave us this ability.. Use it!! :-) Post Breakup - 1) No reason to ever give her space because you do not intend on talking to her anymore. Her friend maybe, but certainly not her. 2) Always be a friend if she wants, but be a friend only. Meaning, do not treat her any different that any other friend you have. One of two things will happen. She will either "crack" and not want to talk to you anymore, or will actually be a real friend. Also, never believe people when they say you cannot be friends with an ex. Ex-girlfriends make some of the best friends, by the way... 3) Never date a woman twice and let the woman know this in the beginning. Always put your best foot forward for her, but she must realize that she will only ever get one chance with you. If she messes it up, it will never be again. It is over... If she comes crying back which they will do from time to time, be nice but make sure she understands that the two of you will never be back together again. No matter how much your emotions try to manipulate you, stay true to yourself and the rules you know are right. Edited January 20, 2008 by timjones0674
BrianG Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 any suggestions on damage control. Did all your suggestions the wrong way before coming to this site. I guess I should proceed with your suggesions from now on. Any advice as far as post break up?
Author PLAYBRAT Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Yes Brian actually I can suggest something...one of the few things you haven't done yet is date other women. I am not saying fall in love with them, or even sleep with them...but at least get out in the game. Even if you DON'T feel like it. Nothing worse than sitting around wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself. Your ex loved you...someone else will love you, and she knows this. She just doesn't expect you to do anything about it. You gave her five years of your life, and it wasn;t enough. So give her what she asked for. The sooner she finds out you are dating again, the better. You would be shocked to find out what a little good old fashioned jealousy can do to someone...
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 The sooner she finds out you are dating again, the better. You would be shocked to find out what a little good old fashioned jealousy can do to someone... Here's where I step in. Not every woman appreciates this tactic. If anything, it has the completely opposite effect on some women. For myself, if someone is already dating afterwards or out there having a grand ol' time, it only strengthens my resolve to stay away and reinforces the fact that I made the right decision.
CalamitousJane Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 First off, I totally agree with PlayBrat. Any guy that behaved that nobley would impress the hell out of me. About damage control... My ex-before-last behaved about as badly as possible after I finally broke it off with him. He went back and forth between crying and telling me how crazy in love he was with me, screaming at me about how cruel I was, and refusing to accept any solution for dividing our things. He harassed me to the point that it was almost stalking. Finally after a couple months he gave up. This was about five years ago. For the first two or three years, he sent me an occasional friendly email, saying he was thinking about me and hoped I was doing well. I answered politely but didn't engage him, and was happy when didn't pursue things. Recently, in the context of hoping for reconciliation with my most recent ex, I was thinking about what it would take for me to give my horrific ex another chance. I realized that even HE could have a chance with me, if he played his cards right. After all, I really liked the guy at one point, and we had very good chemistry. These are the steps he would need to take: 1. Give me a VERY long break. In his case the break-up damage was so bad that it took years for me to recover. If you were relatively well-behaved six months might do the trick. 2. Make contact with me to tell me: a. He has really been thinking about me and missing me b. He has terrible regrets about his break-up behavior c. He has thought a lot about his part of what went wrong in the relationship d . He has made changes in himself that he believes will make him a much better partner for someone at this point in his life. 3. Suggest that we get together and catch up 4. If I say no thanks, he should say ok, then maybe try again, very gently in six months or so. 5. If I say yes, he should act very warm, kind and friendly, but make any moves on me about ten times more slowly than he would with someone new. If he could pull that off, even the ex from hell would have a chance with me, if I weren't with someone else.
Author PLAYBRAT Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 I think this tactic works if .. #1) The WOMAN is the one who broke it off #2) She is already dating other people #3) She is seriously taking the guy for granted Otherwise I agree with you TBF.
CalamitousJane Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I'm with PlayBrat on this one too. If I broke up with him I'd EXPECT him to date other people. Plus it would give him more credibility when he told me that of all the women he knows, I'm the one he's still thinking about.
Author PLAYBRAT Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 I agree with TBF to a degree about the dating thing..but truthfully, if I broke up with someone I would HOPE he would have a life. I would not want him sittng around moping, or crying. The test is if I saw him out somewhere and...(GASP) HAVING FUN... I MAY be upset ..or not. But thinking he's at home sitting by the phone for me is NOT going to provoke that feeling in me is it? Indifference is WAY worse than jealousy IMO. Because indifference means the kiss of death in terms of being with someone romantically.
Author PLAYBRAT Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 I also think the worst thing to do is to WORRY that you might hurt or upset your ex that you are moving on with your life. THAT is a no no. I don't believe in flaunting someone in front of an ex...or going out of your way so they will see you with someone...but even small inuendoes will set the imagination off with just a comment or passing remark that you are "dating" someone...or even have a date. That's sometimes ALL it takes.
underpants Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I'm with PlayBrat on this one too. If I broke up with him I'd EXPECT him to date other people. Plus it would give him more credibility when he told me that of all the women he knows, I'm the one he's still thinking about. I don't know about that. That seems gamish and kind of immature. I have had a couple of guys try that and it made me think...okay, good for you, and I felt bad for those girls. I guess if I break up with a guy it is pretty much over. There will be an open, honest and respectful discussion about it. However, it is over. I agreed with alot of what Timjones said except that ex-girlfriend best friends thing. I have fond memories of some of my ex's and are cordial when and if I run into them. However, out of respect to the end of the relationship I keep them at a far acquaintace level. If one of them really, really needed something then I would try to help them out. However, I don't need to check in with them regularly.
sedgwick Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Totally agree with Playbrat and Jane! Here are two of my breakup stories: 1. I dated a guy in college with whom I broke up, the primary reasons being that I found out he'd lied to me about several things (not infidelity or anything like that, just small stuff, but still) and we wanted very different things out of life. When I broke up with him, he went nuts. He came to my job one day to beg me to get back together (luckily my boss wasn't there at the time), and he came to my apartment as well. One night he got so angry with me that he peeled out of the driveway just so I could hear it. His behavior was very frightening to me. I have never spoken to him again. 2. I dated a guy who really loved me, but it was long-distance, and had been for two years. Then I met someone locally and broke up with the LD guy. He told me he loved me and then completely backed off. We had contact a couple of times after that, and both times he was cordial but didn't bring up anything about our relationship. I don't know if he dated other women or not, but when things didn't work out with the other guy (who turned out to be a complete d*ck), I found myself thinking about my ex. I called him and apologized profusely and he took me back. The relationship ultimately ended a year later because we both have lives we love in our own cities, and neither of us wanted to move. But we're still very fond of each other -- I knitted him a hat recently. It was the fact that he told me he loved me but kept his dignity and went (mostly) NC that made me want him again. He didn't contact me unless I contacted him. I realized how I'd done him wrong and how much he cared about me, and I found that I really missed having him in my life. He now has a new gf and even though I know he and I could never work out, I'm a bit jealous of her. So there you have it -- a tale of two breakups from the woman's POV.
Author PLAYBRAT Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 This thread was meant for guys who want advice for possibly getting an ex back. What works for some might not work for others. I guess I am of the mindset that if there is a flicker, then there is a fire that can still be ignited but it has to be in the right circumstances.I DO think sometimes we take each other for granted, or we just need time apart from someone to realize what we want. I know this advice seems "gamish" and juvenile to some, but it's really common sense when you thnk about it. I think it makes PERFECT sense to expect an ex that I broke up with is going to move on, and possibly NOT want to be friends with me. It would be pretty arrogant of me to think they should be, wouldn't it? I personally am attracted to men who can live without me, who have a full life without me...but who want me in it anyway, because I make his life better with me in it. That to ME is how it should be. I know sometimes it is our natural instinct after being rejected to become introverted and forget HOW to be attractive again. Sometimes all we WANT is to just get that person to love us again.Sometimes it is possible..sometimes it's not. This thread is for those who STILL have hope.
CalamitousJane Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 If any guys out there want to tell us girls what we should do if we want them back, please feel free to start a thread!
serendip Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 How about if I don't want to get back with the ex...but I want to forgive her for infidelity and I want to forgive myself for manipulating her afterwards as an act of revenge. I don't want to be stuck in this emotional cage anymore...where one moment I still care about her and the next I'm angry with her(my emails and texts to her reflect my flip flop emotions). I know she feels guilty for her actions but also is angry with me for manipulating her. In order to forgive her and move on I think I need to get an understanding of her actions...so I can see her point of view. But everytime we communicate(emails and texts)...we both get defensive and start playing the blame game. How do I get her to open up ...so we can have an honest conversation(it would help me feel better about things)...is that even possible or am I being ridiculous.
JimMorrison Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Excellent discussion. I'd like to give advice from a males point of view, but I am not a typical male by any means so I'm afraid I cannot offer anything generic.
CalamitousJane Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I don't mind non-generic advice - I never date generic guys!
miami45uconn Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I personally am attracted to men who can live without me, who have a full life without me...but who want me in it anyway, because I make his life better with me in it. That to ME is how it should be. How many girls do you think are like you, i mean attracted to men who can live without you? What sucks is I was fine living without other girls until i met this last one. I had a life, and i guess i involved her too much and now that she left its kind of empty. I've been trying to fake being fine:o
miami45uconn Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 And also im nervous because yes i do love her and yes i ultimately want her back. However since she has shown no signs yet that she misses me i really am not sure what to do. Because I wish i knew what type of girl she is, meaning if she would miss me or something if i started dating again, or if she would keep moving on if i started dating again. And i also dont really know anything about if shes dealing with guys or not i only know shes been going out with her friends almost every night she can..hopefully because she doesnt want to think about me. Im really just dont want to push her FARTHER away by dating someone(even though im not ready) or I would give her a sense of urgency if i Did start dating. Its really frustrating.
Teuen101 Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 me and my ex split up and I knew, I should have just walked away and said nothing- she even asked me If I loved her before dumping me- So I said yes, then she dumped me- then she followed it up by saying some hurtful things then i said some things bad. did the whole sending nasty e-mails to one another- now we don't talk to at all I still wish to be friends but I think she don't want to be friends- so now i say nothing. I want to ext her e-mail call her so bad but i know i must walk away and man up- it's going to take some healing. should i wait for her to contact me and offer friendship or should i contact her ?
BrianG Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 in my opinion I would not contact her at all anymore. Its harsh to say but she does not want you in her life anymore. Therefore, if any type of friendship is too evolve it has to be initiated by her. Then it will be up to you to decide if you want to be just friends. If you still have feelings for her if she ever contacts you I would highly suggest not being friends because it will just end up hurting you in the end and from your post you still have feelings for her. In my opinion i dont think friends with exs ever works because one or other will just want more than the other person wants to provide or gives false hope that something more may eventually come from it. Just my experience. Struggling with that same question if I could ever be just a friend with my ex and the answer right now and I dont see it changing is NO. Your answer may be different after time.
Freddy Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Playbrat: Have any of your Ex's gotten you back by following these rules? Also if I'm dating someone, should I let her know about it?
Author PLAYBRAT Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Freddy, hiya.. Yes I have to say I have gotten back with an ex who have followed these tactics.I hate to use the word "tactics" because living your life after a breakup IS truly the best thing one can do after a breakup. I KNOW it is neccessary to grieve a loss. That's not what I am saying, but those things should be done in privacy or with very close people who can help you through it. Crying to an ex who broke your heart is useless because there is nothing they can do to make you feel better. I think that's when it becomes a vicious cycle. As for you dating someone else... I would only tell your ex if she asks or if you must. Attempting to "flaunt" a new person is only going to backfire and make you seem pathetic. The key is to truly make an effort to move forward. But to answeryour Q, yes, be honest about dating someone if you in fact are. I believe the more discreet you are though..the better. Mysteriousness is extremely attractive...for both sexes.
Author PLAYBRAT Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Teuen: Yes, wait for her to contact YOU. Double whatever NC time you have implemented...ie, if it's two weeks, wait a month. Let her miss you...a lot.
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