jenniferc1114 Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Advice needed when the cheater won't leave and you can't afford to leave on your own. History Became suspicious April 2006, was confirmed Aug 2006. Confronted H & OW(married too), both swore they were just friends, nothing ever happened blah, blah, blah. I decided to stay married. Promises were made he'd stop "talking to her". We did more together, (he never went anywhere without me) date nights on weekends, sex weekly, took dance lessons together. We were insepartable after that. Then almost a year to the date of me finding all those previous phone records...her husband pulls in my drive way to inform me his wife is pregnant with my husbands child. My h & the ow previously worked together and when he quit that job in May/June of 2007 this was his going away gift. Needless to say he actually admitted it this time...but only as something that happened only a few times. (her story is very different) He begged to let him stay, work on our marriage, he did not want to throw away a 18 yr marriage with 2 great kids. It has not been easy. He continued to lie for weeks to me & her. They continued to talk via myspace. I was soooo clueless. Well I think they stopped chatting on a cheating basis the last time I found evidence in Oct of 2007. Her husband went psycho(he was physically abusive) on her & has been court orderred out of his home. My husband insist he wants nothing to do with her. But that is also what he says now...to appease me. She does still call him occaisionly..not to discuss the baby either. He's taken a few calls, but usually ignores them or answers."Why are you calling me" which she usually follows with hanging up. (obviously he hurt her too) I under no circumstances can accept this child. #1 because of all the lies, #2 the mother is still actively pursuing my h. He knows to be with me, he has to turn his back on this baby. I know this child is innocent, but trust me, this baby doesn't want to know me. I am not strong enough for this screw up of his (yes his past is full of them) In the beginning I must admit I wanted to know he chose me over her, but now I wish he hadn't. I can't get over it. What's so frustating now is that he won't allow me to heal. He feels as if all of my felling are unvalidated. Just because he's not with her, I should be over it. I know it's only going to get worse once the baby is born (dd 02-16-08) Yes I can try to get him court orderred out of the home...But right now I can't even afford a lousy $200 to provide to a lawyer. (he was just recently laid off as well) His family has offerred to allow him to stay with them, but he refuses.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 He knows to be with me, he has to turn his back on this baby. I know this child is innocent, but trust me, this baby doesn't want to know me. I am not strong enough for this screw up of his (yes his past is full of them) You may feel this way, but the legal system is going to have a different take. Assuming the kid is his (how do you know this for a fact?), he'll owe support from day one. And you haven't even crossed the ethical and moral issues involved in denying this child a father. And your kids contact with a half-brother or sister. Tough, tough situation. And I'd guess that it will get more difficult after next month when the baby is born. If it would make you feel better, why don't you start be getting your H 86'ed from the house? Where he stays and how he feels about are the least of the issues involved... Mr. Lucky
Bryanp Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Your husband will be responsible for child support for the next 18 years.
Author jenniferc1114 Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 child support for the next 18 years Trust me, he's aware of the financial responsibility.
Ms. Red Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I'm sorry for what your going through. It sounds like a lot has been thrown at you to deal with. Here's a start, I see your in OH & I looked up just a couple places that may help. http://www.communitylegalaid.org/ http://www.olaf.org/ I hope you can find some help through one of them. I wish you well, I know it's tough. Hang in there & I send you ((hugs)).
cj1988 Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 WOW, and I thought I was having a hard time. As others have said you will find that the court does not like cheaters and BABIES that are produced from said A.....so, you need to go to a lawyer, tell them your story and they will go after him for payment. Most lawyers have free sessions and I am sure when they hear your story, you will NOT ahve to pay a dime. Good luck and hang in there !
jmargel Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Jennifer for you to ask him to not be there for his child is not right! This is an innocent child, and if you decide to stay with your husband you must accept the responsibility of being a step-mother. I highly suggest you seek counseling otherwise I'm afraid you will take out your anger and frustration on this poor child. This child needs a father, do not try to deny the basic rights of this baby! You must be the bigger person here and stand up enough to see that the welfare of this child is in the best interest of everybody. If you decide to leave, don't you have family you can goto? Are you not working?
BettyBoop Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I feel for you, Jennifer. I bet that if I was in your situation, I would too be wanting my H to have nothing more to do with the OW and his child. Unfortunately, the decision is not yours to make. The only decision you can make, is the one affecting yourself and your marriage. You can ask your husband to limit contact with OW, but the child has a right to have contact with his/hers father. I recommend a paternity test to make sure it really is his, though. I also wonder if you work or not, and how old your children are and if they know or not?
BetrayedMM Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Please, consult with a lawyer, and start with the paperwork. Google the divorce laws in your state, get to know what your options are. Forget the money problems for now, money can be replaced. If you don't work, get a job. You must become independent somehow, the sooner the better. If he gets abusive, get the PFA(court order) and get his ass out of the house. Contact your local welfare department, family, and friends if you can't make ends meet. But, if the house is owned and not rented, DO NOT LEAVE! Force him out one way or another. If it's rented, you leave, and take the kids with you. Friends, family, apartment, women's shelter, anything, just go. It ain't gonna be easy, but it's not easy now, is it? But, you do know you must end this marriage so you can have closure and move on to better days!
Green Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 yeah its your families money that is going to be going to this baby now so I can see why you'd be mad. Look just leave him and speak to a lawyer, maybe you can have him kicked out of the house. This man is always going to be cheating on you. And he is slppy about it so sht like this will keep happening
herenow Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Hi Jennifer, I'm so sorry for what you must be going through. Getting over an affair is hard in itself, I can't imagine what the added stress of a child from the affair must feel like. However, I do know someone that went through this many years ago. She did end up getting a divorce and the first thing she did was make sure that her kids were taken care of. Her xH paid her child support first and any money that went to his other child came second. She also got alimony since she was a stay at home mom at the time. The court also mandated that they sell their house and split the proceeds from everything they owned together. She was able to move into a smaller house and make payments with the money that she had from the divorce and payments that he made to her. She also got a part time job while the kids were in school. She is dating a wonderful man, but she claims she will never get married again. I hope that after her kids are grown she changes her mind. Her boyfriend treats her so much better than her xH ever did. At first she didn't want her kids around her xH's other child, but after a while there was no way to avoid it. The OW is not in the picture, her xH claimed to hate the OW because his affair with her screwed up his life (just like a selfish cheater, blaming someone else!). Last I heard he has some form of shared custody of the other child and there are times when he has all of his kids at the same time. My friend's kids were quite young when the divorce happened, so they really don't know life any other way. I'm not sure they know what happened with the affair, but they seem to be very well adjusted and delightful kids when I see them. It's not the kids fault and I'm glad they are happy. I can't speak about the child from the affair since I have never met her, but I hope she is having a happy life as well. It wasn't easy for my friend, but she couldn't stay married to a man who had a child as a permanent reminder of something that caused her so much pain. She didn't have it in her to be able to accept his other child into her family, so she knew that the best thing to do was end the marriage knowing that it was the only way all of the kids could have a chance at a normal life. Again, it's not the kids fault and my friend didn't have the right, or did she want to keep an innocent baby from her father. Not that this is what I think you should do, I just wanted to share my friend's story since it seems to be similar to your situation.
JustBreathe Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I'm sorry for the tough spot you are in. Discovering you married a cheater is bad enough without having to also deal with a pregnant OW. So... you don't want to reconcile, don't want to stay married to your H anymore and want him gone from the home. He will not leave, even though his family has offered him shelter. Have you looked into finding out whether there is a Legal Aid Society or clinic in your area? In my state, these services are free or low cost. I am only guessing as I have not ever been divorced, but, it seems logical to me that you could go ahead and file the divorce and somewhere in the paperwork you should be able to request a hearing on the issue of who stays in the house and who has to leave.
BetrayedMM Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Well, it's not the living arrangements that get spelled out, rather it's the division of marital assets. If the house is an apartment or rental, there is nothing to divide there. However, a PFA can effectively force them out, as they by law cannot come within 100 yards of you or they will be arrested. This means they certainly can't live... at home.
BetrayedMM Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Oh jeez, the living arrangements of the kids get spelled out though! How could I forget that! A whole lot gets spelled out. Really, it's best to get it straight from a lawyer, because it's complicated, and painful to think about. When you see the papers, and go down line by line determining exactly who gets what and so forth, for some reason it's very painful. So... final. So cold. So very utilitarian. Ugh.
Author jenniferc1114 Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Thank you all for your insight. To answer a few questions, yes I have a very loving family to turn to as well, however they are over 200 miles away which would cause me to leave my very stable job I've held for the past 16 years. (I've been very close to making this decision) Yes, I could afford to be on my own here, but not in the home we own today. That's the catch... we would be splitting debt, not so much assests. His school loans, 1st & 2nd mortgages, credit cards, medical bills, you get the picture. He has seen this thread, and your comments have obviously bothered him. I think that helps just as much to have him see a view from others not involved.
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