Insecurities and LDR, am I not seeing something?

[Pacifika]

Hey Loveshack folks,

 

This is my first post here. I felt like I needed to reach out to other people and ask for their opinions, cause I'm currently in a situation that's driving me nuts even though it probably shouldn't be. The story between my s.o. and I is a long one, and she is referred to as s.o. because we aren't in a declared relationship. For more information, I am 19 and she is 18 - we are both in college now. I'll try to make the summary as short as possible.

 

This girl and I had a thing back in high school about freshman and sophmore years. She had written a long note in my yearbook during yearbook signing and we started talking online and via the phone. It was a cute little thing and we went out on a few dates, but I lost interest in her because she would act weird around me in person. Eventually, I even turned her down for dances and we pretty much stopped talking for the rest of high school. I understand that I was being a bad person when I voluntarily neglected her - it's a scar that I live with and still feel bad about from time to time. One time she even hand-made me a "get well" card that looked amazing. I didn't reciprocate (but I still kept the card, even to this day). I honestly never got over what a jackass I was to her (pardon the language). After we graduated, she went to study in Chicago and I stayed in California.

 

Anyways, one random day (a few months ago) I was feeling extremely sappy and it was really late at night. I'm browsing through the very thin list of people that were online and I see her name. I decide to message her and make small talk. Eventually, I ended up giving her a grand apology about what happened four years ago. I obviously couldn't read her feelings, since it was all online, but she said it was "ok" and that "she really liked me back then". Afterwards she kept bringing up stuff about when we were flirting, stuff even I couldn't remember! She must have really liked me to keep all that stuff locked away in the back of her head, and I was quite touched to hear it all. We keep conversations very casual and light during the following months, till she returned home for break in December.

 

I hadn't really thought of us as anything when she came back, but after meeting up with her a few times and talking to her over the phone a bunch, I felt a connection slowly forming. Remember that card she made me? I ended up making her a card to apologize and one night I gave it to her right before I dropped her off. You should have seen her face light up! That's when it started I think. She came over to watch a movie at my place and we ended up cuddling. We spent New Years night together and became very intimate, kissing and telling each other about our past, previous relationships, and deepest secrets. I realized that I had started to like her very much.

 

Over the next few weeks we shared a lot of time together, went on several dates, I visited her a lot, and even went to Disneyland together. One night, I decided to ask her: "Do you want to continue where we left off three years ago?" She was a bit hesitant and the first thing she said was: "But I'm going back to Chicago...". This sort of pained me, because I know she broke up with her last boyfriend due to the issues of LDR. I told her that I didn't mind that we weren't in a relationship and that we were probably saving ourselves a lot of grief in the near future. Ever since then it's been a recurring theme. We'd always talk about it, while cuddling in bed or wherever, about what we were going to do about the LDR. She said that she likes me and would like to see the relationship grow, but doesn't know what will happen because anything can happen in the four months that she'd be gone again for. She said that we should treat each break that she's back like a checkpoint and that if we're still single and honest by then that we passed the test. She also said that she felt kind of bad for me because it sounded like she was "giving up too early" and that she was also afraid that she would end up hurting me. At that point, I told her I loved her. It was a bit sudden and she said she couldn't say the same thing back, because she said she didn't want to say the word "love" unless she really meant it. Using the word "love", especially in a LDR, entails lots of chains and burdens that we'd both have to carry...and aren't sure if we were prepared for it. Because of the chains that would appear, she said that she liked me a lot but can't say "love" yet because she didn't want to get hurt again like she did with her ex. It was all very tender and nothing seemed forced, but that didn't stop me from letting a few tears slip out as I held her hand while I drove her home that night.

 

Now we reach the present. There are only a few days left before she leaves and we had just spent all of yesterday together. However, the past few days she hasn't really called me at all and she hasn't texted me either. I understand that she might be busy saying her last goodbyes to other friends, but I have to stick in this side note: she has a lot of guy friends and has also had a cheating incident in the past. This part makes me insecure...that and the fact that she would promise to call and not call. She hung out with one of my close friends for two days straight and when I called her one morning I sounded a bit hurt that she was going to spend the entire day with this other guy. She caught on and asked me if it bothered me that she was spending so much time with him. At first I tried to lie, but then I couldn't help it. I just went ahead and said: "It does bother me a little that you're hanging out with him this much, so I just want to know, am I the one you like?" She didn't hesitate to respond: "It's okay, I like you. Try not to think so much about it." Afterwards she sent me a text with the same message and a heart. I felt reassured for the moment, but then more things began to happen. I might just be overreacting, but these past few days have been really choppy. She just hasn't been communicating all that much. I draw her lots of stuff on her Facebook Graffiti wall (we're both artists) and what not, but she always goes out of her way to make sure it doesn't seem like we're a couple. She still refers to me as a "friend" when on the phone with someone else and rarely puts "<3"'s in her messages. Is she afraid of the coming LDR? Is she trying to avoid me because she doesn't really like me that much? Am I just a winter fling to her? Is she genuinely busy with spending time with the other friends before she leaves? I'm really confused. All I want is a phonecall or a few texts during the day...some sign of affection, because I'm almost feeling like she's trying to keep it all surface level.

 

Bottom line is, I really like this girl, but I'm not sure if she likes me back the same amount because she doesn't make the effort to call me when she said she would. I'm also afraid that she may end up with other guys. I'm just a tumbleweed of insecurities right now! She's so reassuring when she talks to me in person, but it feels as if she wants to brush me off now. I'd like your opinion on her opinion: "let's just see where this takes us." I don't know if this LDR will work, but it seems like she understands how to pace it. Am I just being overly insecure right now because she's leaving?

 

Thanks for tuning in.

[TMichaels]

Sounds like to me that you are freaking out a bit that she'll be going back to Chicago soon, so you're even more needy than you might be if she was going to continue to be close by.

 

Don't chase her. You've expressed your feelings. Now, let her digest that, and see what she does with this knowledge and information.

 

Easier said than done, I know, but she's got a lot of thinking to do, and in the long run, it will be better if she comes to her own conclusion about the relationship (for both of you) than you trying to force the issue.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[j_hunt_12]

She doesn't sound too dedicated and she's cheated in the past (even though with someone else). This is not a good start to a long distance relationship, not a good start at all. I would just be careful about anything you do. With my LDR: my GF gave up 1 month of study abroad, she gave up a lot of time with friends and family so we could sap up all the time together we could, I pretty much gave up a chance at a job, we both have given up a lot of money, we both said the L word. We really love each other, but our LDR relationship is still rough and trust is still a major issue.

 

I'm not saying it will not work, but I would really be careful. She really might just be scared of the LDR which is completely normal, but just leave it in the open. Maybe try to have an "open" relationship for a while, and if you find you still like/love each other she'll probably break down later. It sounds like she is just scared of moving too fast before a LDR commitment... this is normal and even good, but it's not a good start for an LDR..... If that makes sense.

 

peace

[Pacifika]

Yea thanks. She mentioned that she didn't want to get hurt and she didn't want me to get hurt. If anything, I'm hoping that her non-commital attitude towards the whole situation is geared with that in mind. The night before she left we spent holding each other on her bed. She never said the L word, and I can understand why. I'm just feeling insecure because she never left me with anything solid...but I guess that's all part of the plan.