SprngCkn Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 My boyfriend and i have been together for a year and a half. He's got a 4 year old with his NOW ex-wife. I've been with him during the divorce and the custody hearing is coming up sometime this year. Now, my boyfriend and i are fine, we get along and we're happy with each other. He lives at his parents house because of the divorce and since we've been together i sold my house because we were going to be getting a place together, so i'm temporarilly at my mother's house. We've talked about getting married since the 3rd month we were together because we have THAT connection...His mom is in our business like crazy to the point that she talks him into doing things he doesn't want to do sometimes. A week ago we went and looked at places to rent together. We've been buying stuff for the apartment and really looking forward to our committment together. Last friday his parents interrogated me, and sunday it came up about how much my student loans are (just graduated in 04). We were fine sunday, monday all of a sudden he wants to take a break. I talked to him on thursday about it, and sure, he's apprehensive about it because his ex-wife took him for everything he had..the reason for the divorce. But a lot of the discussion was because of his mom. She doesn't want him involved with me because of my student loans. He and i made plans for him to come over to my house tonight and his mom made the comment "i guess our talk on sunday didn't mean anything" what can i say/do for him to get out and make his own mind up? He said he's not coming over because he's not going to have any fun knowing his parents are pissed off when he comes home...anyone?????
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Was your b/f aware of your student loans, previous to his parents sourcing the information?
Author SprngCkn Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Yes, he's known everything about me, the student loans, my credit, everything..they just found all of this out last weekend.
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Why not ask him directly, why he's still tied to his mother's apron strings? The problem doesn't lay with your b/f's parents, it lays with your b/f not being an independent/mature man, capable of making his own decisions.
Author SprngCkn Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 I do agree with that, however at the same time, they're so nosy that they won't stay out of our business.
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 The next time they ask you questions, don't tell them anything. You can control that aspect. Your b/f can control his own communications. Try not to displace your anger, hurt and concerns in the wrong place. Your b/f has to draw some hard boundaries with his parents. You also need to do the same, with them. One more thought and don't take this the wrong way but have you considered how you affect his thought processes? Was he always malleable to your wants and needs previously, while not necessarily getting his own needs met? I'm getting the impression your b/f is a bit of a pushover and people pleaser.
Author SprngCkn Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 no.. actually it was the opposite..i've done everything for him..he is definately a people pleaser, though!
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Well, are you expecting him to pay off your student loans? I certainly hope not. If you are on speaking terms with his mom, talk to her about this. Tell her you don't expect HIM to pay a cent of your loans as they are YOUR loans.
Author SprngCkn Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 oh god no, i don't expect him to do that at all! I've got my own career and i actually make more per hour than him and his parents do! (not put together, separately) I know with him probably having to pay child support that i'll be supporting him, and i'm completely fine with that...just as long as the bills get paid, i don't care where the money comes from.
Author SprngCkn Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Well, i meant that because of the college degree i make more than them... not to rub it in!
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Well, you said he's a people pleaser...Unfortunately, that means he doesn't like to let down his parents and disappoint them (aka his MOM), so somehow he need to focus more on you and your feelings rather than his mom. You're his girlfriend and you two are in a serious relationship. He needs to put your first more. Anyway, fact that he is allowing them to have power over him also says something about HIM. You can blame his folks, but he is letting them control him.
mental_traveller Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Why not ask him directly, why he's still tied to his mother's apron strings? The problem doesn't lay with your b/f's parents, it lays with your b/f not being an independent/mature man, capable of making his own decisions. Exactly. Do you really want to marry a Mommy's boy? Because when you marry a Mommy's boy, you marry his mother too. Sorry but no matter how much you like this guy, you will be entering a living hell if you get married to him. Unless he matures in the next year or two and becomes fully independent, there's no way he is going to tell his mother to chill and give you some space. You should IMO find yourself a more mature, independent MAN instead of a boy who still hasn't left the cradle.
Author SprngCkn Posted January 29, 2008 Author Posted January 29, 2008 Well, for anyone else reading this, i wanted to update you. His parents wouldn't even give me the chance to explain myself, so yes, we ended it. After a year and a half and he wouldn't even stand up for the love we had for each other. God he needs to grow up....i'm better off without him anyways.
Pirouette Posted January 29, 2008 Posted January 29, 2008 I'm really sorry that it turned out this way, but I hope one day that you realize it was for the best and feel relieved. You are better off without him. With a person like this, you the safe, understanding partner, always would have been in second place to everyone else in his life. Until he learned boundaries and respect for his partner, which some people never learn, nothing ever would have changed and you would have looked forward to a lifetime of this. Good luck with everything.
mental_traveller Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Well, for anyone else reading this, i wanted to update you. His parents wouldn't even give me the chance to explain myself, so yes, we ended it. After a year and a half and he wouldn't even stand up for the love we had for each other. God he needs to grow up....i'm better off without him anyways. Good for you. It must feel bad now, but I think in future when you meet a guy who you really match well with, you'll look back and be glad that you moved on here. It's a really bad sign that he didn't stand up for you against his parents. Out of interest, what did he say and how did he justify his behaviour?
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