Second chance success, now a failure

[ElleVado]

My ex and I were together for 7 years. Lately, there has been some tension. Me wanting to settle down, and him not being sure if he’s ready yet to take it to the next step, like marriage. We ended up taking a break for a a while, not just because of that, but just to have our own space.

 

Last weekend, he showed up at my house at 2am. He said he’d been out driving around all night being all worked up, and wanting to talk and to see me. I let him come in. He said everything I had been dreaming of hearing. That he loved me so much and was still head over heals in love with me and that he was so sorry for everything that happened, and that he wanted to do anything we could to fix our relationship and to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

I’m sure a lot of people on this wonderful site have been dreaming of hearing those same words from their ex’s. In my heart, I wanted to take him in my arms and tell him every emotion I felt towards him, but I held a lot of it back because I felt I needed to be a little wary. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t just an impulse moment, but that he really meant it

 

We spent almost every night this week together. It was perfect. So intense and exciting, I don’t think either of us could have been happier.

 

Then yesterday. I didn’t hear from him all day. When we finally talked on the phone last night, I could tell by his voice that something was wrong. He didn't say much, but asked if he could call me back in a bit.

 

I didn’t hear back from him until about an hour ago and said the words I dreaded to hear. That he has was thinking for the past two days and nights and that he decided it was time for us to let each other go. That he loves me more then anything in the world, but doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. That he knows I want more in a relationship then he is ready for. That he’s afraid he’s going to hurt me and he doesn’t want to do that. That part of him wants to settle down, but the other part of him wants go out and enjoy being single.

 

I started crying which I tried my hardest not to do. I did not beg or try to change his mind in any way. I just asked why he came back to me last weekend like he did, and he said that he is so full of love for me, and that he is still in love with me, and that’s why he came back.

 

It ended with that. Then he asked for me to drop off his things and the key to his house, and that he would do the same with my things.

 

I’m sure I don’t need to explain what I’m feeling or thinking right now. Many of you are in the same boat and it’s not fair that anyone has to go though this most painful time. After 7 years of being with the love of my life, the men I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I don’t think I’ll get over this anytime soon.

 

I’m sure I won’t hear from him anytime soon and I’m definitely not going to contact him in any way. If he does call, I should not answer, right? I just don’t understand why he is doing this. Just Wednesday, he said that his love for me was like an inferno, it was such an amazing and strong feeling that it’s beyond words.

 

As I was writing that last paragraph, he called. I picked up thinking and hoping he had something else important to say, but he just said, oh I had a missed call and you were the last number. Bet I’m guessing that was just a test to see if I’d answer? Damn I already am failing at this.

 

I feel like he needs space to be single so he can go out with his friends and party like a rock star since he’s been committed to me for 7 years which started in his early 20’s. We have taken breaks before, but never to the point of returning each others things and keys, so that’s what really got to me.

 

Of course I need to work on healing which is going to be the hardest thing right now, but I really feel like after time apart that he’s going to come back to me. But I’m not going to focus on that, I need to focus on getting over and beyond him. But feel like I should be prepared in a way incase he does come back, of how I should react and what to say. But maybe this is really the end.

 

My heart goes out to all of you on this site that are going feeling this terrible pain. At this rate, Kleenex stocks are really going to go up!!! I’m so hurt and confused. I don’t know why he’s doing this or what’s going to happen after this point.

Edited January 19, 2008 by ElleVado
Strange font and size information inserted in all my paragraphs, guess from copy and pasting from word

[BrianG]

You seem to have a pretty good handle on your emotions and I commend you on it. You sound a lot better then me when I was dealt the fatal blow of our relationship. As you know a number of difficult days lie ahead for you. I was recently broken up with after a 5 yr. relationship (3 months ago) so I know what your feeling and how your going to be feeling in the days ahead. It has been the hardest thing I have to deal with in the course of my life and I feel like a shell of my former self. One day we all will have become stronger after dealing with a terrible heartbreak. I can only hope that one day we all will find the person that makes us happy and is truly the one that we are meant to be with. Fate can only do so much, learn from this and when that person comes along one day you can use what you have learned from this and Im sure there will be a better outcome. Stay strong, cry when you feel the need to, get it all out, and when the time comes you will heal. At least that is what I am hoping and praying for.

[ElleVado]

Thank you for your reply Brian. I do not feel like myself either in any way. Almost like a shell. My body is there, but the insides, what I'm thinking and how I feel and look towards things is complely changed now and feels empty. If that makes sense!!!

 

Remember... Everything happens for a reason, Things are either meant to be, or not meant to be. I look at a failed relationship as something that was not meant to be, and that makes it easier. No matter what you can/want to do or could have done, maybe with more time and effort, the relationship never would have worked out. Not meant to be. - And the meant to be, it's out there. Just take care of yourself, heal, stay happy as can be, and that love will come. Sooner then later I pray!

 

My problem is that for thee past 7 years I thought he was the one, that we were meant to be together. So that leaves me baffled and brokenhearted right now.

 

Well I just got back from his house. I knew he wasn’t going to be home at that time, so I rushed over to drop off his stuff and the key to his house. Sent him a text message just saying ‘Left things and key at you house’ No reply.. He couldn’t care less, right? I couldn’t bear seeing him face to face anytime soon to exchange our things. I just wanted to get that over with so that's one less thing involving him I need to think about. Maybe it will make him think a little.. when he realized how quick I was to drop off his stuff. Since I didn’t put off the exchange, which I’ve done in the past, in hopes of reconciling.

 

I stopped to get food on my way home since I haven’t ate much all day and had to spit out my first bite because I felt like I was going to throw up. I feel so sick to my stomach. I’ve never felt pain like this before. Even in all my other breakups, I've never been even close to feeling this way.

 

I guess what’s bothering me most is that I don’t understand why. Even when he was breaking up with me, he kept saying how much he loved me and that I’m the most amazing woman. How can he say that, and in the next breath tell me it’s over.

[CalamitousJane]

Oh sweetie, that's so hard. You're doing really, really well, in your behavior toward him.

 

I had to force myself to eat for more than a month after my last break-up. First time that's ever happened, and it was so weird. Surround yourself with whatever makes you feel comfortable, loved and distracted. Friends, books. New music is good, and just walking around outside is great. Reading and posting on Love Shack was extremely helpful for me too.

 

You already know what you need to do, which is to give him some serious space, and to take very, very good care of yourself during this time.

 

It's hard to believe right now, but you won't feel this bad forever.

[BrianG]

I know age is not an indicator of emotional intelligence, but your post really suprised me and I am curious as to how old you are. I know its not a proper question to ask a woman but your attitude after this break-up is inspiring. You are doing so great to realize things that took me months to put in perspective and to be honest, my brain is trying to think these things but my heart is lagging so far behind. Not much to add except your doing great so far and I wish I could be where your at in your head if that makes sense.

[pigeonsid]

Hi ElleVado-

 

My ex did a similar thing to me. (We were only together for over 1 year, not 7, but we talked very seriously about marriage and I expected him to propose officially this year, instead of walking out on me which he ultimately did.) But when he left me it was just a sudden switch, and he still said he loved me, and I couldn't understand how he could just leave a relationship which meant so much to both of us when I knew that he still loved me.

 

It still doesn't make sense to me, but what I've started to feel is angry at him, and to also start to accept that even if he said he loved me, if he really did love me then he wouldn't have left. If he'd really loved me then he would have wanted to work on our problems - because that's what I was willing to do. When he first left, I felt like it was all my fault - that there was something I had done which had driven him away. But now, two months later, I am feeling more at peace about it. It's about him, and his issues, not about me.

 

I also struggled in the first few weeks after he left me... couldn't eat, couldn't think, I wandered around like a zombie. But in the past few weeks I've started to feel more like myself, even though there are still rough periods. I guess what I wanted to say to you is that it gets better, and if you just focus on the day to day, somehow you heal. I found that being with people helped a lot. I had friends with me all the time, and I also went on holiday, to be in a different environment, and be a different person for a bit.

 

Hope you're feeling better - hang in there!

[ElleVado]

Reading your personal thoughts, support, suggestions, and experiences make healing from this breakup feel more achievable. I’m so thankful for this. And I don’t mind the age question, I’m 24.

 

I feel strongly about this breakup meaning that I am not meant to spend the rest of my life with him. That I have to let go and move on. That my meant to be is out there, and I’ll never find it until I heal and move on. But no matter how many times I tell myself that, it’s still so hard.

 

It’s crazy what love does to us. In past relationships, I have never become this attached to anyone. I never thought I would be one of those girls that fall apart when a relationship ends. But here I am.

 

When I woke up this morning, before I even opened my eyes, I thought about him… And I continue to think about him throughout the day and feel sick to my stomach. Even though it feels like this will never get easier, I know it has to as time goes on.

 

I love him so much and I know he still loves me. I couldn’t believe how many times he said that in the breakup phone call. But if he really loved me that much, I don’t see how he could walk away from our relationship like he did.

 

One thing I am absolutely sure of is that I will not contact him. I feel the less said, the better. Anyway, he was the one that left me. He knows how to get a hold of me. Contacting him would be like chasing him, which would make me feel and look silly. Now that our relationship has ended, no matter what is said between us, nothing will make this any easier. Also contacting him would let him know that I’m thinking about him… and to be honest, I don’t want to give him that kind of satisfaction.

 

Even if he had something positive to say to me, like he was wrong and he wants me back, I would not reply. I’m not ready to deal with that. It would just confuse me more and I know I’m not strong enough for that at this time.

 

It tore my heart out when he ended our relationship. I wish I didn’t cry on the phone like I did, but it was impossible for me to hold in. But I did not beg or try to change his mind. I mean, what can you say when somebody has their mind made up about something like this. Nothing will change their mind at that point, and pushing the issue would just make them angry and drive them further away.

 

He hasn’t returned my things yet. I feel like that is a bit selfish of him. In the breakup phone call, he brought up that I need to return his keys and things, and I mentioned him needing to return mine. After crying my eyes out and posting here, I immediately went over and dropped off his stuff and keys. I thought it was the right thing to do. I don’t understand why he’s dragging this out. He has to drive through my neighborhood to get to and from his house, so it makes no sense to me.

 

I know he panics sometimes when he gets overwhelmed, and he makes impulse decisions which at times he regrets after. I’ve seen him do it before in other situations. I really hope our breakup was not one of those times. He ruined my trust in him and our relationship and I don’t know if I could ever get that back. He was so quick to make this decision, he needs to follow through with it.

 

I know getting my stuff back is not that big of a deal and I probably shouldn’t even be thinking about it, but I feel as if it’s the final step in ending our relationship. I took that step by returning his things just hours after the breakup. And he returning mine is the next step towards me being able to let go, heal, and move on. I’m sure he knows and feels that too. Since I already gave back his stuff, giving back mine will mean our relationship is truly over.

 

I apologize if my post is way too long and seems like I’m just rambling on and on. It felt kind of good to get out all those messy thoughts and feelings!

Edited January 22, 2008 by ElleVado

[marianne62]

Reading your personal thoughts, support, suggestions, and experiences make healing from this breakup feel more achievable. I’m so thankful for this. And I don’t mind the age question, I’m 24.

 

I feel strongly about this breakup meaning that I am not meant to spend the rest of my life with him. That I have to let go and move on. That my meant to be is out there, and I’ll never find it until I heal and move on. But no matter how many times I tell myself that, it’s still so hard.

 

It’s crazy what love does to us. In past relationships, I have never become this attached to anyone. I never thought I would be one of those girls that fall apart when a relationship ends. But here I am.

 

When I woke up this morning, before I even opened my eyes, I thought about him… And I continue to think about him throughout the day and feel sick to my stomach. Even though it feels like this will never get easier, I know it has to as time goes on.

 

I love him so much and I know he still loves me. I couldn’t believe how many times he said that in the breakup phone call. But if he really loved me that much, I don’t see how he could walk away from our relationship like he did.

 

One thing I am absolutely sure of is that I will not contact him. I feel the less said, the better. Anyway, he was the one that left me. He knows how to get a hold of me. Contacting him would be like chasing him, which would make me feel and look silly. Now that our relationship has ended, no matter what is said between us, nothing will make this any easier. Also contacting him would let him know that I’m thinking about him… and to be honest, I don’t want to give him that kind of satisfaction.

 

Even if he had something positive to say to me, like he was wrong and he wants me back, I would not reply. I’m not ready to deal with that. It would just confuse me more and I know I’m not strong enough for that at this time.

 

It tore my heart out when he ended our relationship. I wish I didn’t cry on the phone like I did, but it was impossible for me to hold in. But I did not beg or try to change his mind. I mean, what can you say when somebody has their mind made up about something like this. Nothing will change their mind at that point, and pushing the issue would just make them angry and drive them further away.

 

He hasn’t returned my things yet. I feel like that is a bit selfish of him. In the breakup phone call, he brought up that I need to return his keys and things, and I mentioned him needing to return mine. After crying my eyes out and posting here, I immediately went over and dropped off his stuff and keys. I thought it was the right thing to do. I don’t understand why he’s dragging this out. He has to drive through my neighborhood to get to and from his house, so it makes no sense to me.

 

I know he panics sometimes when he gets overwhelmed, and he makes impulse decisions which at times he regrets after. I’ve seen him do it before in other situations. I really hope our breakup was not one of those times. He ruined my trust in him and our relationship and I don’t know if I could ever get that back. He was so quick to make this decision, he needs to follow through with it.

 

I know getting my stuff back is not that big of a deal and I probably shouldn’t even be thinking about it, but I feel as if it’s the final step in ending our relationship. I took that step by returning his things just hours after the breakup. And he returning mine is the next step towards me being able to let go, heal, and move on. I’m sure he knows and feels that too. Since I already gave back his stuff, giving back mine will mean our relationship is truly over.

 

I apologize if my post is way too long and seems like I’m just rambling on and on. It felt kind of good to get out all those messy thoughts and feelings!

 

Wow!!! You've got this kind of perspective at 24? Somebody raised you right! There's no way I was that smart at 24. I'm 45 now and the stuff you just said usually takes years to acquire.

 

Everything you said is spot on. I'm impressed just reading your post, what an idiot this guy was to let you go!! I'll wish you luck, but I don't think you need it....you are going to get snatched up real quick! Just wanted to take a moment to let you know how very impressed I was reading this.