shadowplay Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I tried posting a few times on the other thread but my posts weren't going through so I'm starting anew. First, I just wanted to thank everyone for the responses, even when they were hard to read. I agreed with most of what was said. My boyfriend has been on a wooing crusade. Calling, texting, emailing, even buying me a chocolate rose. It's sweet, but also feels like too little too late. People rarely change, and he'll be back to his old self soon enough. I don't fault him for the way he is. He's a sweet guy and doesn't have a malicious bone in his body. Unfortunately the way he is happens to trigger all of my insecurities. Something bad went down. I told my boyfriend last night that I regretted hurting him and had changed my mind about getting involved with his friend. To my shock he revealed that he ALREADY told his friend on Friday morning. have no clue why he did this. I told him on Thursday night to not mention anything to his friend. Apparently this is how the conversation went. BF: "So Shadowplay is attracted to you." Friend: "Wait, back up a second. I'm not going to do anything to betray you." Then my bf said I had proposed the idea of an open relationship and he wouldn't stand in the way. His friend said in that case he would sleep with me, but he didn't want to do it if it offended my BF. Then he joked that he would offer up the girl he's currently seeing to my BF but that girl hasn't even slept with him yet. WTF..... This is so humiliating. Sure, it's karma..but I did not ask my boyfriend to do this! Now I'll never be able to see this guy again because it will be so awkward. The conversation they had makes me feel like a whore. When I said I wanted to see his friend this is not what I meant... It's sick, but a little part of me has an urge to actually go through with it now that it's gone from hypthetical to real. I've already done so much damage -- to myself, my boyfriend and our relationship -- that what the hell, I might as well stick the knife in. I feel like self destructing. I don't think it's possible for me to feel any cheaper than I already do. Might as well prove them right. The funny thing is since our near-breakup I've felt a lot closer to my boyfriend. He doesn't seem like a stranger anymore. I'm more comfortable around him, the way I am with close friends. Too bad it took going through this for us to get here. Deep down I've given up on the relationship, so I'm not trying to win him over anymore. I'm now secure that his feelings for me are strong even if they're not dragon-slaying strong. Maybe I needed to emotionally detach from the situation to realize that. Yet now it doesn't even matter because things are so damaged. I see a break up on the horizon. I'm scared of ending things, of being alone, of losing something that had great moments, even if they were obscured by dark ones. Dwelling in a constant state of emptiness is worse. I've actually never ended a relationship for good. Usually, when I've been unhappy in a relationship I've driven the guy away until he breaks up with me. But this guy is different. I fear that he'll take me back no matter what. Though he seems confident on the surface, he's extremely insecure...and I think he'd do anything to hold onto me. If I were to end things right now, I'd be okay for a day or two. But I know it would get harder and harder with each successive day of missing him until I finally caved. How do I make a clean break? As a sidenote, I've been listening to Beck's Sea Change a lot lately. Those familiar with the album will understand why.
Florida Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Apparently this is how the conversation went. BF: "So Shadowplay is attracted to you." Friend: "Wait, back up a second. I'm not going to do anything to betray you." Then my bf said I had proposed the idea of an open relationship and he wouldn't stand in the way. His friend said in that case he would sleep with me, but he didn't want to do it if it offended my BF. Then he joked that he would offer up the girl he's currently seeing to my BF but that girl hasn't even slept with him yet. WTF..... I completely utterly totally expected you would see the other side of your BF's friend if this happened. He offered to switch his prospective girl with you....to do *it*. I hope you really wanted to break up with your BF, and not just because you had feelings for his friend, because now you see he was not all that you thought he was, based on a few sporadic hang out sessions. I would seriously advise you to try to break loose from your BF, some things once they are said do tarnish any possible future together. Chalk it up to learning, and it's probably for the best because being with someone who brings out all your insecurities is not good, and couldn't last too long. It would be interesting for you to know/see if it was specific to this BF or if you are just like that in general. So hopefully the next guy is more demonstrative and less withholding.
THE THRONE Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 What THE THRONE needs to tell you cannot be posted here because he'll be violating the rules and risking a ban or limited posting. However, THE THRONE has several things he would like to point out: People rarely change, and he'll be back to his old self soon enough. Does this apply to you as well? Have you changed? If so, will you be back to your old self soon? The conversation they had makes me feel like a whore. When I said I wanted to see his friend this is not what I meant... What exactly did you mean? If you didn't mean in a sexual way you should be able to tell the friend, "I don't like you sexually, I meant ....." It's sick, but a little part of me has an urge to actually go through with it now that it's gone from hypthetical to real. I've already done so much damage -- to myself, my boyfriend and our relationship -- that what the hell, I might as well stick the knife in. I feel like self destructing. I don't think it's possible for me to feel any cheaper than I already do. Might as well prove them right. You've contradicted yourself. Deep down I've given up on the relationship So end it. How do I make a clean break? One of the first steps would be to address your behavior. After that address issues of denial.
oppath Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I was hard on you in your earlier post; I really enjoy your posts and think you are a wonderful woman. I just give tough love to my friends and if a female friend told a boyfriend I was ambivalent about "can I date your buddy while I figure it out if I want to be with you" I'd slam her hard. What's done is done. I personally feel you need to hold yourself responsible and just apologize to your (ex) bf, telling him you realize it was disrespectful to ask of him. Then you need to end it with him. Then you need to not contact him to give him the space he needs to grieve. I do understand your position. In my last relationship, I was not very expressive and held back on the romance. I'm fairly confident she lost interest as a result, though she had major faults too. You want more than your bf was giving you. You may or may not find that with another guy, that expectation might be 100% within you, but if it is missing for you and is important, you are quite justified in ending the relationship. Stay away from your bf's friend. Apologize for it because I don't think you realize how deeply you may have scarred him if you don't. Just admit it was insensitive and wrong.
Author shadowplay Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 What exactly did you mean? If you didn't mean in a sexual way you should be able to tell the friend, "I don't like you sexually, I meant ....." What I told my bf is that I wanted to hang out with his friend and see where things went. I didn't mean that I immediately wanted to jump into bed with him, which is basically what my boyfriend implied to his friend. I also told my bf a few hours before he asked his friend NOT to say anything. I know this is all my fault, but the turn of events is just unfortunate. Just as an update, guys. I've come to my senses and decided not to do anything. I have no interest in even seeing the guy again with my bf there after this. I sent my bf an email two hours ago saying that I just want to hang out as friends without sex for the time being. No response as of yet.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Honestly the only way i see it is to avoid both of them. They have absolutely no respect for you and I doubt if they ever will. If you are with someone and you show interest for another guy, and whats even worst his friend, then it shows your true colors! and that is, having no respect for yourself. These guys are talking about you like you are a piece of meat from up the street. I know when i was in a relationship and I thought my bf was cheating, if I even thought about him being intimate with someone else it made me sick to my stomach. I felt like if he can share what we have with someone else and kiss her the way he kisses me then our relationship doesnt mean nothing. Save yourself the headache and heart ache and leave them both alone.
Florida Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 (edited) eyecandy is right. The second you said that to your BF you were demoted in both his friend and your BF's eyes as something to play with. That is also why I am encouraging you to end it cleanly here on, I think you under estimate male pride. Your BF may dump you very unceremoniously when the dust clears, better to apologize and walk away now. In the future-if you feel yourself being attracted to his buddy-take it as a sign something is wrong in the relationship, as opposed to thinking true romance was on the horizon. You sound surprisingly well, and not that upset, so it must be really over for you. Edited January 20, 2008 by Florida
THE THRONE Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Her BF NEEDS to dump her asap. However, she has already dumped him but just hasn't gone through all the motions yet.
Jilly Bean Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Oh geez, Shadow. I hope you do realize that breaking up with someone is hard enough on its own. It doesnt sound like he deserved the additional knife wound from telling him you wanted his BFF. Regardless, I am not surprised they are talking about you like they are. Honestly, their reaction is pretty befitting of the crime. Bros before hos, girl! Shoe on the other foot, I am sure you'd be flipping mad if your BF said he wanted to nail your best friend while he decides how he feels about you. Enough damage has been done. Please don't let this continue to descent into a bad after-school special and do something further like actually bang the friend. To do so would illustrate your self-loathing, and I'd like to think you can prevent yourself from doing something so painful to your own psyche. Let him go in peace, forget the BFF.
Florida Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I think Shadow unconsciously created this situation to assure her BF would most definitely feel the depth and intensity Shadow wanted, as the last parting shot. The feeling of being rejected may have caused you to illicit the response you wanted from him in the most heart rending way-going for the jugular, AKA his friend. What do you think Shadow? Agree or not?
Recommended Posts