Jilly Bean Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 By saying she wanted a second date if she really didnt want it. Oh, sorry - I missed where you said she definitely wanted a second date. I thought you gave her money so she would consider a second date, and she joked you were twisting her arm. I didnt see that as interest - I saw that as her needing the money to get her car out of the garage - lol. Sb - I am not single, so please refrain from the "single harpie" comments.
Author stevessvt Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 No, I don't think being a gentleman is ever wrong. But I think a rose on the first date is creepy, particularly if we had never met before. I think there is a time and a place for everything, and I dont like a guy who throws so much at me on date one. And I suspect she didnt respond because she didnt want to, or didnt know what to say, or didnt want to falsely encourage you. You have to understand from casual dating that people generally wont tell each other the flat out truth - that they didnt like you and dont want to see you again. Its hurtful and mean and uncomfortable to be that confrontational. People will generally do the fade out, and not return communication. I go the other way, actually. I WILL tell a guy I am not interested in seeing him again. And then I usually incur the Wrath of Khan and get called every nasty name in the book. See why it's not always good to be so honest? lol But realistically, you had ONE date with her. Keep it in perspective. Keep dating and pursuing other women, and this one wont seem like such a huge deal. Whatever happens with her should be separate from other dating activities at this point for you. Oh yeas ma'am, I am keeping my feelers out there. And in the end, hopefully this will be at worst a learning experience. I am extremely new at dating (only dated my X, got married at 21, was married for 16yrs, so I know I have a lot to learn still). All I am going by is how I would like to be treated in return, and if I had a good time, I would want the other person to know they did well.
crazy_grl Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 The white rose on a first date is also over the top, IMO. Would have turned me off as well. I would have found it sweet. I would have been turned off by the 'I'll give you money if you agree to go out with me again' thing. I know you may have said it jokingly, Steve, but I'm having a hard time picturing any way of saying that that comes off well. The text to tell her you had a good time was fine. The text telling her you didn't think she was interested might have turned her off. It does come off as needy. If you didn't think she was interested, you could have just let it go. There's no point in asking someone what happened like you did. Most of the time you won't get an answer and even if you do, it probably won't be the real answer anyway. So you don't really get anything out of asking. You might as well keep your dignity, and if it turns out you were wrong and they were still interested, you won't have made a fool of yourself. For now, assume she's still into you. Call her after a couple days and ask her out again. If she agrees, you'll know she is.
Jilly Bean Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Oh yeas ma'am, I am keeping my feelers out there. And in the end, hopefully this will be at worst a learning experience. I am extremely new at dating (only dated my X, got married at 21, was married for 16yrs, so I know I have a lot to learn still). All I am going by is how I would like to be treated in return, and if I had a good time, I would want the other person to know they did well. Wel, I agree totally, Steve. In a perfect world, people WOULD show each other that kindness and respect and honesty. Unfortunately, often in the dating world, people dont. And if you've been out of the game for a bit, then I am sure you are going to find it to be a bit of a brutal scene at times.
crazy_grl Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Steve, did you buy the rose before the date and bring it to her or did you buy it during the course of the date? I was thinking that you bought it for her during the date, which is sweet. If you bought it before the date, that custom is outdated and can be creepy like Jilly Bean said.
Author stevessvt Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 I would have found it sweet. I would have been turned off by the 'I'll give you money if you agree to go out with me again' thing. I know you may have said it jokingly, Steve, but I'm having a hard time picturing any way of saying that that comes off well. The text to tell her you had a good time was fine. The text telling her you didn't think she was interested might have turned her off. It does come off as needy. If you didn't think she was interested, you could have just let it go. There's no point in asking someone what happened like you did. Most of the time you won't get an answer and even if you do, it probably won't be the real answer anyway. So you don't really get anything out of asking. You might as well keep your dignity, and if it turns out you were wrong and they were still interested, you won't have made a fool of yourself. For now, assume she's still into you. Call her after a couple days and ask her out again. If she agrees, you'll know she is. When the money thing happened, I gave her the money, and she said are you sure? Ill pay you back. I said are you crazy? Then I playfully grabbed the money and said no,...you have to work to get the money,....at least consider going out with me a second time (because the flow of the whole night was so nice and she gave me a sip from her coffee from the same sippy top which I thought was a good sign) and she very playfully stuck her arm out and said 'go ahead, twist my arm'.
sb129 Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 For now, assume she's still into you. Call her after a couple days and ask her out again. If she agrees, you'll know she is. This is the thing that we all seem to agree on, more or less. Good luck!
Author stevessvt Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Steve, did you buy the rose before the date and bring it to her or did you buy it during the course of the date? I was thinking that you bought it for her during the date, which is sweet. If you bought it before the date, that custom is outdated and can be creepy like Jilly Bean said. I brought it. Really? Creepy? wow. I had no clue. Im so screwed, I dont even know how to date, lol
Ariadne Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I brought it. Really? Creepy? wow. I had no clue. Im so screwed, I dont even know how to date, lol Nah, that's kind of cool. Just don't kill it by being insecure. But, good luck, see what happens.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I dont think you blew it. I dont see anythingwrong in what you didi. Since you have already contacted her, i would wait and see if she contacts you back. If she doesnt, then it means that she drinks after all her first dates who shes not interested in.
nicki Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Aww, don't worry so much about the flower thing. On it's own, I think it is a simple romantic gesture. (If it's followed by 11 texts a day and five phone calls, then it's creepy by association.) I've actually had many guys bring me a flower or small gift on the first date. I'm about the same age as you are, Steve, so that may be why I think it's nice. It's not like you brought a dozen red roses. It was simple, not over the top. Many women would like it. Maybe some wouldn't, but taken in the context of being given by a confident relaxed guy, it wouldn't be a big deal. I still think she's interested or she wouldn't have texted you about the coffee. I do agree with what the poster said about the usual protocol being one where you go out on the first date, you call the next day to say what a great time you had, and then you call a few days later to ask her out again. Try not to show insecurity upfront. When you are in a relationship with a person, showing occasional insecurity is okay because you two are sharing vulnerabilities. Until then, remain outwardly upbeat and cool, even if you are scared....easier said than done, I know. I was also married for a long time, and then began dating. It's hard sometimes, but you will learn so much, especially about being cool in the beginning and assuming the best. It's about knowing the appropriate behavior for the appropriate intimacy level. In marriage or a relationship, then texting or returning calls promptly is mandatory. So are daily calls. In the beginning stages of dating, it's very different. While I would still text a guy back fairly quickly after the first date, it still might be a few hours to a day later in some situations. So, basically don't sweat it if that happens again. Sorry if I am rambling. PM me anytime. I really do understand!
Author stevessvt Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Thank you, nicki, your a sweetheart. I will keep your generous offer of PMing you close to me, and I will if I need it. Thanks again.
sb129 Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I like your advice Nicki. Its really good, and so sympathetic. I can't remember if I have ever disagreed with any advice you have given.
crazy_grl Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Aww, don't worry so much about the flower thing. On it's own, I think it is a simple romantic gesture. (If it's followed by 11 texts a day and five phone calls, then it's creepy by association.) I agree with you here. The act itself isn't creepy. But the guys who still do it often turn out to be creepy, so that's why some women think of it that way. It's not that bad, but it can sometimes give a bad first impression when a guy's intending to do the opposite.
Eagle362 Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 In my exsperiance if a woman is interested in you she will return your attempts to comunicate with her. If not look on the bright side of things at least you havn't dated this girl for months and then found out she takes her time to deciede on things. Pleanty more fish in the sea mate.
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