webwitch Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Hi There, Just joined as last night was the most awful night so far. Been married for 2 years and 2 months, hubby is in farming background whilst I was career girl, but now a stay at home mum to bring up our 4 month old son. We planned our pregnancy and found out that I was expecting very quickly, throughout my pregnancy we would have most awful verbal fights. I put this down to him freaking out over baby. He has two sons from a previous 9 year rlsp who he sees every other weekend. He continously moans, belittles me to his 2 sons, to our baby and doesn't do much around the house (DIY, emptying a bin etc - doesn't do) and constantly tells me how he hates kids. Has even woken me at 5am to tell me he hates kids (when our baby is crying and needs feeding), then he'll walk into nursery and tell our son that he is an a@sewipe. I heard it on baby monitor. I tell him name calling our son and me is not acceptable. His background is farmers wife stays at home to bring up children. Man goes out all day late into evening to earn money and keep the house that comes free with the job. Recently I was offered a month's job which would mean putting our son into childcare. The money was so high I could live off of it for a while, hubby had a problem with this and said that our son is too young for me to go to work (guilt tripping). So I turned it down. I am trapped in this house (this village that we moved to for his job) etc. Last night I said that I wanted a divorce (after 3 days of not speaking and him using me as glorified child sitting service whilst he wanted to go out and get drunk thurs eve - I put my foot down). When I said that, he said that I had - had all day to speak to a solicitor. Well I flew, all that anger in me, and I hit him with my fist. He restrained me holding both arms and then pushed me on sofa. He then punched me in the arm. I got up and flew back again hitting him and told him not to ever do that again and grabbed our baby. Then I said that I would not leave as I did not have any bottles/cot ready and he should. Well he wouldn't. He kept looking for a fight and arguements. He follows me round the house and mentally tortures me. He speaks to our son and says how I am a horrible mummy and I won't let daddy see him (not true). Hubby has in the past shouted and sworn at our baby and I have heard this from outside. I have bruises on both arms (one from his thumb digging in when restraining me and one where he punched me). I called the police. Two cars turned up. I was hysterical and I locked me and baby in room so he couldn't keep mentally going on and couldn't come in. Police came in and I told them everything, they said where I hit him forst, I was the one who would like to be arrested - I said no one should be arrested, he needs to leave to give us both space. Police spoke to him and he said he had hit me 'in defence'. Between me and hubby - he's goliath and I am David - it is a case of little and large. I told them that he was lying cos if it was in defence he would have hit me straight back, he only hit me after he had restrained me and let go. He stayed away last night. I locked all doors. If I hadn't called the police it would have gone on all night, which is no good for anyone. Thing is police now have to report it to social services as baby is in the house at the time. How horrible. I pride myself on being a good person, however I hate the person I become when I am angry and he is pushing me. I have put up with years of emotional/mental abuse, put downs, bullying etc. I am constantly ignored, left at home, no phone calls etc. His ex had an affair and I can kinda see why now (being on her own all the time and being ignored). That is what broke them up (he never married her). I haven't heard from him, but he did text a family member last night to say that he is sorry. Bet he will show sometime today. Just not sure where to go from here or what to do. I know I was wrong for hitting him. Any advice please?
Author webwitch Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Who should leave me or him? I have been lectured by my family today that I must be able to say to my son in five years time that I have tried to make it work etc etc .... My family has told me that I must work at my marriage and that I am depressed. It's like hang on a min - I can't save our marriage by myself, he has to do some work too! He dropped off baby milk and groceries on door step and I left out a bag full of weekend clothes in return. He has text me - not to say sorry, but to say did I want the baby milk etc. Where on earth did it all go wrong?
GlamourBabe Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Hi I read your post and I really felt for you. Your family's advice is wrong. Period. You do not want to bring your son up in an environment where he sees that is OK for Daddy to lay a hand on Mummy and the next day she will be all smiles making breakfast! I had to go through it as a child with my parents and it messed me up! I wished everyday my mum would just leave. Your right, you cant save a marriage yourself but also physical violence in any relationship is not acceptable, whether it is YOU or HIM. Most importantly, he needs to realise this or you might as well walk on the path to nowhere! Namecalling you and your son in my opinion is just destructive, destructive destructive and I am very concerned for your wellbeing. Have you looked into refuges as I seriously feel that this is a NEED!
Author webwitch Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Hi Glamour, Thanks for your reply. I have decided that I want to work at it, lets hope he feels the same way. I have also decided that if we cross that line again, of physical violence etc - then thats it - our rlsp is over. I'll lay the ground rules on this, if he decides he would like to work at our marriage. If he doesn't agree then its over anyway. So glad you agree on the family thing, my dad can't handle it and thats why he is turning it all back on me. Have had a day without hubby in the house today and after spending up till lunchtime in PJ's and crying, I decided that I am going to pick myself up and get on with life. I hoovered, bathed, played/dressed/fed my son, went out and got petrol, took dog for walk and tidied up kitchen. I now have movie on and pizza. I feel so liberated that i CAN do it on my own! However, you mentioned refuges, this is not a path I would like to go down as someone I know went into one and they are not the nicest of places. I have been looking at houses to rent and basically if our rlsp is over, then I would look at renting a small place for just me and baby. Thanks again Webwitch P.S: Hubby still not text me and said sorry.
Enema Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 P.S: Hubby still not text me and said sorry. He see's himself as the victim in this one because you crossed that line and hit him. I don't think you'll get an apology unless you do it first. Aside from that, I think it's silly for you to persist in this relationship and you're doing your son more harm than good by sticking around.
Author webwitch Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Thanks. Found out tonight that he has been speaking with my step mother, my father and then my step-mum and my real mum have been chatting. Hubby told step mother that he has been un-happy for ages, as he feels that when he comes home he wants to relax and not have to do anything around house or with our son (like feed, change nappy etc), he also wants to go down pub when he likes and not be moaned at 0 AND be supported as aparently he is struggling at work. Take out son out of the picture and he would still want all these things, he doesn't want me to work, wants me to stay at home - BUT before our baby came along he was struggling with his job, depressed, wanted to go down pub when it pleased him. He has only bathed our son once in 4 months. I don't ask him to do a lot, nappy change, baby sit for an hour on sat and sun morn and feed our son, thats it. I clean the house, cook, wash his clothes (moans at me for this as I don't do it right) doesn't want to eat my dinners - moans, but still eats them, anyhow never want much apart from respect, love and hugs every now and again. Seems to me he wants his cake and eat it - being fairly selfish. He says he has done his side of his deal by going to work everyday and keeping roof over our heads (which BTW I did perfectly fine on my own before he came along). So, shall I go barefooted and be chained to the kitchen sink?!
sedgwick Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 This man is abusive to your son. Your son is a baby and he's already calling him an a$shole and saying mean things to him about you. This is not going to change. As for the abuse, one time is too many. You really need to get out of there right away and teach your son something about pride. When he gets older, you can tell him that you left his father because he didn't appreciate his son, and your son is the most important person in the world to you. He's going to grow up with a much healthier sense of self-esteem and the importance thereof than if he grows up with a father who abuses both of you.
Author webwitch Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Hi Sedgwick, Oh I agree my son (our) is the most important thing in the world to me. My family say that I should give it one last try so that in five years time I can say to my son, hand on heart that we tried and it didn't work. Now I feel all guilty, that I have to try for my sons sake. BUT lets face it - will it really make anything any better or just buy me some time to find a property to move too? Looking now actually on web for rentals. Thanks ~webby
amaysngrace Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Why are you hoping to reconcile this relationship? So that you can be ignored some more? When you take him back he sees it as not having a reason to change his behaviour. He brings out the worst in you. You hit him. I'm sure you aren't a violent person by nature. But I guess you do it to regain some power you feel you're lacking as he seems to have complete control in your marriage. I would say to go ahead and take that job or one that is similar in pay. Stand on your own two feet even if he is against it. Of course he'd be against it. If you make your own way then you will have options. It's apparent he tries to limit those options in your life. Make your own decisions on how to live your life. If you stay with him lie about the pay. Bring home half and put the other half into savings. And pay the childcare out of the half you bring home.
Author webwitch Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Hi Amay, Thanks. Hoping to reconcile as bringing another life into this world and not trying one last time would be highly un-fair, plus I love him. As it is, we talked for a few hours and agreed he could come home. He is sleeping in spare room and we are taking it one step at a time. We are booked in for relationship couselling next week to which he has committed to the appointment. We don't really hug much or anything cos I can't let my barriers down just like that. His darn kids are coming on Sunday so me and my son will make ourselves scarce (otherwise its immense pressure and causes us to row). We hope to sort out our issues and start having some fun again, but have both admitted that hitting is very wrong and that there are bounderies now that we must not cross otherwise the rlsp is over. Like your advice on job front. I have always stashed a little bit of savings just in case
ButtHead Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I've been reading this thread and I'm curious to how you and your son are doing. Is everything fine? I hope your husband is learning how to treat your son well and not just you. Good luck!
Author webwitch Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Hi Butthead, Interestingly enough - yes its ok! When he came back and was sleeping in the spare room I gave him the week off of nighttime feeds with our baby so he could sleep (hey there has to be give and take!) .... and now he is back in OUR room. I offered on our chat for me to close my business or to stop treating horses, something of which he doesn't like me doing - but he encouraged me to go on with it. I did the other day feel that we have slipped back into the 'me not trusting him' and just day to day living - but on the whole we have both made more of an effort and are getting on 99% of the time VERY well. We make time to cuddle on the sofa, ask each other how the day has been, discuss our son etc. The problems with his other kids coming over and their behaviour being way out of control (and he doesn't put his foot down enough) still reside - but this is something that I spoke about with our health visitor and we have a video to watch together on positive parenting. He is still swearing a little and I do remind him that its not on, just as he reminds me that I should be trusting him. We both apologise to each other now if we say something out of line. (Something that didn't happen before). We are off to counselling - would you believe it on valentines day! Not looking forward to that, I asked him to call them and arrange a time that would fit with him. This is so we can work through the underlying trust, poor parenting with his kids and their behaviour and how it affects us etc. Basically - it boils down to poor communication, rather than shouting and swearing we need to be effective communicators. Hopefully counselling will give us the tools to do this. So all OK for now .... watch this space! Thank you for your interest - its nice to provide an update. x:)
Author webwitch Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Oh and to update - he is feeding our son close to his chest now, with warmth and security, rather than in a clincal way which he always did on his lap. He doesn't call our son names, I am teaching him how to move our son without it being in jaggered motions as babys don't like that! I think he is gradually coming round. x
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