Fiance: Give him complete space, or still communicate?

[Nic622]

Is it best to give him complete and utter space, or still try to keep the lines of communcation open? Please help.

 

I have put my question first with the rest of story/background below.

 

I would like some advice on how best to go about things now (I know that I have to keep busy in the meantime or I will go crazy waiting)

 

Do I give him complete space, no phone calls, messages, wait for him to initiate? Or do I go and see him, and do some huge gesture (think something out of a romantic movie) to show him I still want him and love him? Or something in between. What is the best way to handle this situation?

 

Also, when he comes over tomorrow. Should I try to remain extremely calm, keep to myself, be cold etc and wait for him to come to me or hug him, and tell him how much I love him, be supportive etc. If the former, should I send him one last text to say something along the lines of 'I am giving you your space, take your time, I will be here when you are ready to talk.

 

***

 

Where to start... I have never posted anything like this before but I have no one to turn to as he has always been my best friend and family is not an option.

 

We have been together just over 4 1/2 years, lived together for 3 /12, and been engaged since August.

 

He didn't come home last night, stayed at a mate's place, and this has happened earlier in the week too. I was really worried about him as he said he would only be having drinks with his work friends for an hour, but never came home. I got a message from him at 8am saying he is ok, he will call me later.

 

He had to work a lunch shift today so I called there when I knew he would be starting. He said that 'he needs to have a long talk with me when he gets home'. Uh oh, he has never said that, so I knew something bad was up. Finally comes home about 30mins before he has to leave to go back to work for the dinner shift.

 

He said he has not cheated on me and I believe him 100%, so please no one suggest that he has. He said that he thinks about being with other people, in particular a girl he works with, but he has never acted on that. He says he is scared because he doesn't know why he is thinking about those things, that he shouldn't be. I said it's normal to have thoughts like that every now and then, that relationships don't just happen, yes you need love, but you also have to work at it. We both agreed that lately there has been no 'working at it' from either party. We have been lazy and falling into a rut.

 

I said that we could, there is no reason not too, we love eachother, we can make it work. He said that sometimes love is not enough. I said that was bull****, love isn't enough in cases of one being alcoholic, physically abusive etc. But if two people love eachother then that is a good starting point. He said he does love me, he doesn't want to break up with me, but he is really confused. I asked him what do you WANT to do? He said I don't know. What are you leaning towards? I don't know. I said it hurt that after this long our relationship wasn't given 'first option', that he is actually considering alternatives without trying first. Also that I couldn't beleive he left it this long to talk about this, if he had said something sooner perhaps things wouldn't have had to get so drastic. He said he has been unhappy for a while, we both have, but it's only gotten really back the last few weeks. I said I know we need a change, I myself have been saying that for a while. He told me well why haven't we?? That he feels trying again might not do anything because we haven't done anything until now, it took things to get this bad. Also, our sex life has been non-existant. I have not wanted to have sex with him, he has wanted to. I said that is because I am extremely tired, and that has a huge impact on my sex drive. I had been telling him that for weeks, but he never offered to help to try and lighten my load a little so I get more rest. I am attracted to him, I do want him, but there are perfectly reasonable explanations and solutions for that so he cannot use that as an excuse. I think he understood that, but said that it did hurt him to not feel wanted. Other things were talked about but it was pretty much the same things over and over.

 

It's really hard because I work 8:30-5. And he works nights till 10pm/11pm and on weekends too (also the reason for extreme tiredness, I have trouble sleeping without him, or he wakes me up etc). I don't think that those things have caused the problems, but they have contributed to the situation and we haven't dealt with them in a healthy way.

 

I know he enjoys going out with his friends more than spending time with me, and he said he hates that he feels that way. He missed having fun with me, laughing etc. He feels bad for wanting to do other things than spend time with me, thats what makes him feel so confused. I said i KNOW I have not been fun lately. I admitted being a crabby bitch, there was no excuses for that, but the reason was I am very very run down. A person cannot sleep on less than six hours sleep a night, never being able to catch up, and even less sleep on the weekends.

 

He is going to stay at his parents place tonight. He said that he definately will see me tomorrow. I am very frustrated, I know that if given the chance to try again, and this time not falling into being lazy with how we treat eachother, and some extra love and attention, taking care of ourselves etc things would be GREAT.

 

But he just can't seem to see that, he is really confused, I could see it in his eyes, it was tearing him up inside. All I am asking for is just a chance for a nearly 5 year relationship. But he still thought it best he stay away tonight, to think things through etc. I know he still loves me.

 

I said to him that he knew I have not been happy either, the difference was I have been coming with ideas to bring us closer together. I know we need a change. He said we need a BIG change.

 

I know he wants to stay with me, but he is really confused. I want to be supportive and show him that these feelings he and I have been having do not have to mean the relationship is over. There are always ups and downs, good periods and bad periods, but we work through them together. I feel like if only I could just talk to him, and explain this to him he would understand, but I have and he is still confused. He left for work after hugs, and a kiss, and us both in tears.

Edited January 19, 2008 by Nic622
Typo

[LucreziaBorgia]

When someone asks for space you have to back off completely. If you don't, every move you make toward making that space less will result in them forcing more space between you in an effort to make sure you keep your emotional distance.

 

A break is a breakup - it is just a breakup that leaves the door open in case they want to come back. So, you have to treat it like a breakup in which you stop all of your communication and keep your life on hold while waiting for him to communicate with you. Doesn't sound fair, does it? Unfortunately, that is exactly what your partner wants you to do when they ask for a break. That is all you can do if you want to keep the door open.

 

Will he come back? Maybe, maybe not. I know you don't want to hear this, but when people ask for 'space' in situation like you described, it is because they need that space for someone new. Your guy may not have actually cheated, but from what you posted, it is clear that he has already laid the emotional groundwork with someone else, hence... needing 'space' so that he can see where this goes with the new girl. If it doesn't work out, then he can come back to you since you have left the door open by accepting a 'break'. You are the backup plan.

 

I know that it sounds bad when its put that way, but your fiance came right out and told you that there was someone else and explained all the reasons why - he is burned out on your relationship - burned out on the 'no sex' thing. Along comes this new girl who seems (to him anyway) to offer the antidote to that: the possibility of hot 'first lust' sex, flirting, fun, she probably pays attention to him - in other words, she is looking like the answer to all of his problems and he needs to back out of your relationship to see if he can find happiness elsewhere before he commits the rest of his life to someone with whom he is currently unhappy with. Yes, he cried when he left you - but understand that those are conflicted tears. Don't mistake them for what they may not be.

 

He didn't come home last night, stayed at a mate's place, and this has happened earlier in the week too. I was really worried about him as he said he would only be having drinks with his work friends for an hour, but never came home. I got a message from him at 8am saying he is ok, he will call me later.

 

I know you surely don't want to hear this, but I would bet my salary for a year that he was with the girl he mentioned at some point during those nights and not simply just with a mate of his (who likely has a handy cover story in case you ask).

 

That is neither here nor there though. He asked for a break, so technically he is free to pursue this other girl now. I only hope that you can understand and accept that there is someone else in his life, and factor that into your decisions in terms of where this relationship with him is going to go (or not go). He will likely deny things for a while so that he can keep you as a backup plan. That is what people who ask for 'breaks' do.

 

You can choose to believe him 100%, but after his behavior, bringing up another woman, and asking for a break in the same conversation - you will want to rule it out 100% before you put any more time or effort into reconciliation. You may not want to see this as a possibility, but when you are presented with a problem like this, and you want to solve it - you have to consider all sides: even the ones you don't want to see.

[CalamitousJane]

I agree with everything LB said, except this:

 

So, you have to treat it like a breakup in which you stop all of your communication and keep your life on hold while waiting for him to communicate with you. Doesn't sound fair, does it? Unfortunately, that is exactly what your partner wants you to do when they ask for a break. That is all you can do if you want to keep the door open.

 

Of course he wants you to put your life on hold, but that's exactly what you shouldn't do. Because not only isn't it fair, it isn't attractive. If you're sitting around pining for him and waiting for him all he's going to feel toward you is guilt while he's out doing what he's doing.

 

Your best choice is to say, as cheerily as you possibly can, "You're right, I think we should take a break and see other people for a while." Then do it.

[sedgwick]

If he wanted to be with you, he'd be sleeping at home. It sounds really sketchy that he's sleeping at a friend's place, sleeping at his mom's, etc. I would bet money he's sleeping at her place.

 

That said, living without sleep (on your part) and sex (on his) is a sure way to kill a relationship. You can't give those things up. He's a guy, and he's not getting any sex, and there's a girl out there to whom he's attracted. I just find it really hard to believe that when he's not at your place and not calling, he's not with her. I mean, staying out all night without calling you and then finally getting in touch at 8 am? That's really messed up and shows a blatant disregard for your feelings and your concern. Why on earth would he do that unless he was with her and knew he'd feel guilty if he talked to you?

 

It sounds from what you said like he's a waiter. Is there any way he could work an earlier shift, and have evenings off, ever? Even just a couple of nights a week? Could either of you look for another job that would allow you to be together a little more often?

[so_sad]

First of all, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know it sucks, I know because some elements of it remind me of my own situation (which did not work out the way I wanted it to). Maybe you can learn from my mistakes.

 

However, I disagree with what some of the other posters have said. I think that if you essentially break up with him (i.e. "take a break"), you will probably not get back together. Your relationship is at a critical and very precarious point and I think if he continues sleeping away from the house, or if you suggest seeing other people, you will end up breaking up.

 

I don't think you should assume that he has been staying with the other girl. If he was honest enough to tell you that he was attracted to her (which can't have been easy for him), he doesn't really have a reason to lie to you about where he's been staying. To me, it sounds like he really is confused and I do believe that he's been staying at his mom's. His apparent honesty is what makes me think that you have a chance now to save your relationship.

 

Before I give you my advice, here's my disclaimer: my fiancé left me a couple of months ago; we were together for about 5 years and also lived together. I have not been able to get him back and our relationship is totally over now. So, I'm probably not the best source of advice. However, if you want to know what I think you should do now (with the benefit of hindsight, looking back at my own situation), here goes.

 

When, you see him, tell him that you really love him and that you know you want to be with him. That you have a long history and obviously something has been keeping you together for the past several years. Remind him that all - ALL - long-term relationships go through hard times at some point and that yours is no different. Someone else might seem attractive now but eventually the thrill of something new will wear off. Tell him that you're committed to making things work and that you are willing to address the problems (exhaustion, lack of sex, etc...) in a serious way (and mean it). Tell him that you are willing to work hard to make this work, but that he needs to be willing to do the work too. I guess what I am saying is that you need to be compassionate but firm. Let him know that you want him but not at any cost (i.e. don't let him walk all over you). He sounds very confused and if you project an air of confidence about your relationship, he might pick up on that and feel a bit more confident about it too.

 

Good luck. I really hope things work out for you.

[Nic622]

Thanks guys for the replies, to respond:

 

He stayed at a mate's place one night, the girls house another night (along with a group of other friends, there was hardly any space, he had to sleep on the floor). Turns out he didn't stay at his parent's place last night - I called one of his good friend's (reliable) and had a speak with him to see if he could shed any light on the situation. He mentioned that he had a drink after work so could not drive over to his parents. He stayed at one of the work friends place (guy) and left for his parents in the morning. Yes, I believe when he says nothing happened with this girl, nothing physically anyway.

 

I agree with the other girl seeming 'fun' to him. However, I know he is a very honest person and he would tell me out straight he was breaking up with me before seeing where it goes with this girl. Maybe that's why he is so confused, because he knows he can't string me on and that he has to make a decision straight up one way or the other.

 

I'm sorry but I don't agree with the comment of me agreeing with him about taking a break and saying we need to see other people. This is my life, I have invested a lot of time into this relationship and I love him dearly. I would not take the chance to say that because it would be a lie and at this point we need to honest, not play games with words to make the other feel bad, or guilty. I don't think we should be taking a break, and I would take him back, under the right circumstances. Obviously the fact that he is feeling this way and that he has gone away instead of staying and working it out will, if we do stay together, create trust issues on my part of his feelings for me.

 

He does work in the hospitality industry, but he gets two nights off a week - Sunday and Monday nights, probably the worst nights for us to be together but he cannot change that. I have thought about the job situation but can see no way around that as I have a very good job and would not leave that just to have different hours, and he is just about to receive a promotion to 2IC so I cannot ask him to leave that either as that is great opportunity for him. I think, if we happen to get back together, we would have to focus on quality, not quantity, of time spent together.

 

so_sad that is pretty much exactly what I planning to say to him when he comes over or calls. I agree that its not healthy for him to keep sleeping away from the house. This cannot wait too long to be resolved.

 

His friend thinks he is being absolutely stupid and couldn't believe he was treating me this way. He said he seems very confused but won't talk much other than to say that we have been arguing. He wanted to call him to tell him to stop being stupid and come back, but I told him that I wanted to give him complete space for short while, so he couldn't tell him I called or he may think I was being pushy or interfering (even though I am!). I just wanted to know what I was dealing with.

 

He thinks he will get over it in a day or two, just give him some time. He thinks he is just having second thoughts that most people go through before they get married but he knows how much he loves me.

 

He has not turned up today or called and its already 5pm so it will be interesting to see what happens. It sucks I have to go back to work tomorrow but if he hasn't contacted me by tomorrow when I get home from work I think I may call him and simply just tell him we need to sort this out, not run away from the problems, and I think its best that we talk with eachother. Then see what his response is and I'll gauge it from there. I don't want to push him away, but I won't be a sobbing push over either. And I don't feel like risking that maybe if I don't pursue this further (in a calm, confident manner) that I will lose the window of opportunity our relationship still has.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Please protect at least some part of your heart and put it away for safekeeping. You'll need that part to draw strength from when all of this blows wide open.

[Nic622]

Last night I waited and I thought stuff this I need to know where his head it at so I called him. But I'm glad I did even though it hurt. He was really quiet on the phone, I asked him how he was feeling, tired, I said are you going to come over, do you want to talk to me, or do you still need more space? He said I don't want to talk to you. I said why not we need to discuss this at some point its not healthy having no communication at all. Then he said those dreaded words 'I don't want to be with you anymore'. I then said some other things like I was willing to work on our problems etc etc but when he spoke again I could tell that there was no hint of emotion in his voice for me. He said I'm going to say here for a few days I will call you then. I think he may have just been saying that to get me off the phone.

 

Well, I am happy I called him. I have been spending this time thinking he is just have a quiet think but of course he will come back. I am now 95% sure that he won't. And that he won't be calling me in a few days either. It is a relief to finally know what I am dealing with so I can finally begin to grieve and heal from the loss. I can also take these fews days or however long to get things in order around here. Things such as bills, whose names they are in, finding someone else to move in (before Christmas we just signed a new 12 month lease), sort and whose is what. That is going to be tricky because a lot of things we bought together but I hope we can be amicable. I think if I can get my head around this stuff at least all that won't be stressful for me on top of everything else.

 

I ended up telling a girl from work, she was nice but kept saying you just need to talk to him, get him to meet you. I said I can't - he does not want to talk to me there is no point trying. I also my sister-in-law. She was the most helpful, she said maybe this is a blessing in disguise, and gave me great advice and will help me through all of this. She said maybe I'm not as upset about losing him, but also upset at the fact I am losing a big part of my life (4 1/2 years) and this is a huge change. She also said I need to think about if I really really loved him. Did I love him out of habit, because he was there and we were together and it was comfortable? Or was I actually in-love with him on a deeper connection. That hit home. Perhaps I'm more sad about the fact I'm losing my best friend, than my soul mate. She also made me realise that I was in-love with the person I was wanting him to be and that no, I actually wouldn't want him back if he said he was never going to change. Maybe one day I will be thankful he took the first step, as I don't think I would ever have been strong enough to do it myself.

 

I know i my head, logically, that I will get over this, I'll be fine and one day meet someone that I think is even greater than him but in my heart there is just a hole and it is aching.

[so_sad]

Wow. I'm sorry that this happened, but you sound amazingly together right now. I was a TOTAL wreck when my 5 year relationship ended. Keep posting here and you will find out that there are a lot of people who have been through similar things, and it's a great place to realize that you're not alone in what you're feeling right now.