Elilmomma Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years and married for 3. He cheated on me, then I cheated on him not for revenge (I didn't find out about his until 5 years later). We got back together and tried to work it out we would fight all the time. I treated him bad for so many years beacase of my insecuritys. I never really felt like I was good enough, or deserved him. I always thought he would up and leave me one day anyway so I just wanted to push him out the door before he could leave me. well we moved to try to start over and now I found out that he was having and affair with a coworker and I am devastated. we just had another baby 4 months ago. and I feel like it 's my fault cause I kept pushing him away from me. He says it's over and they only kissed but I feel so heartbroken. I Love him to death but I don't want to hurt like this anymore. Or hurt him for that matter . can we really move on from all the pain and hurt?
Ocean-Blue Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years and married for 3. He cheated on me, then I cheated on him not for revenge (I didn't find out about his until 5 years later). We got back together and tried to work it out we would fight all the time. I treated him bad for so many years beacase of my insecuritys. I never really felt like I was good enough, or deserved him. I always thought he would up and leave me one day anyway so I just wanted to push him out the door before he could leave me. well we moved to try to start over and now I found out that he was having and affair with a coworker and I am devastated. we just had another baby 4 months ago. and I feel like it 's my fault cause I kept pushing him away from me. He says it's over and they only kissed but I feel so heartbroken. I Love him to death but I don't want to hurt like this anymore. Or hurt him for that matter . can we really move on from all the pain and hurt? So he's a repeat cheater, huh? Your trust in him has been totally destroyed. His trust in you has probably dwindled too (if he knows about your affair). There are some major security/trust issues between you two. How did you two cope with all of this after the first affair? Did you talk and take steps towards some major change (i.e. a concerted effort to spend more time on the marriage, open talks about feelings and what happened, counsel\ling)?
Author Elilmomma Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Yes we talked things out but I kept pushing him away telling him to go get another woman and now that he did I don't like it.... do I really have the right to be mad.. I am more hurt now than when I found out the first time.. I have alot of insecurities that have nothing to do with him. but he needs to be a little more sensitve too. he can be really rough with his words. he is still wrong for what he did.. I love him so damn much and we have two girls to think about..
Ocean-Blue Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Yes we talked things out but I kept pushing him away telling him to go get another woman and now that he did I don't like it.... do I really have the right to be mad.. I am more hurt now than when I found out the first time.. I have alot of insecurities that have nothing to do with him. but he needs to be a little more sensitve too. he can be really rough with his words. he is still wrong for what he did.. I love him so damn much and we have two girls to think about.. Perhaps you two should go to counseling? This might help as you both have some unhealthy ways of dealing with your problems - you need an objective mediator to help sort things out.
Sierra Sunrise Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 If you don't want to do joint counseling I would suggest you getting some individual counseling because it sounds like you really need it. I'm not saying that in a bad way either. Ok here's the deal you can only push someone so far before it becomes a serious problem and then they seek what they are looking for in you elsewhere. I'm not saying that it's right but that's what happens. It's not right. Hence why more now than ever you two need each other. If you go to church I would seek out the advice of your trusted pastor. If you don't go to church then I would seek some either joint counseling or individual counseling. That's the best I can offer you at this point. I'm a reformed habitual cheater. No it's not easy and it's a long road but how much is your marriage worth? If you seriously want to hang onto it then you must work together. Not apart.
LakesideDream Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Well you are both cheaters, you have that in common.. try to build on that.
Sierra Sunrise Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Lakeside that was a little below the belt there. Not overly helpful either in my opinion. Not trying to bash you but she's here seeking some advice and help not to be bashed, though it's a cliche isn't really? Since they are both cheaters lets not give them anything helpful they deserve each other. Nope sorry it doesn't work that way. Like I've said before I would get some counseling and try to get some marriage counseling if you can and your husband is up for that. If not then you have some hard decisions to make and you need to do a little soul searching as well. It takes a long time but there is nothing saying that you can not pull through this and have a stronger and better marriage than ever.
TMCM Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 It's a good start that you can admit to your own failings for it makes it possible for you to address them and resolve them. Insecurities can continue to haunt you even after a divorce. By all means seek out individual counseling and possibly invite your husband to accompany you to offer his input not so much as your spouse but as your best friend. This action of leading by example could help your husband to see that you are serious and may give him a reason to stay and work on his own issues that have contributed to the bad state of the marriage.
Daphne Crane Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 It's a good start that you can admit to your own failings for it makes it possible for you to address them and resolve them. Insecurities can continue to haunt you even after a divorce. By all means seek out individual counseling and possibly invite your husband to accompany you to offer his input not so much as your spouse but as your best friend. This action of leading by example could help your husband to see that you are serious and may give him a reason to stay and work on his own issues that have contributed to the bad state of the marriage. I totally again with TMCM. You need to find out why you are having problems with your insecurities that's causing you to push him away. I felt like that one time or another. I would push people away because I thought once they got to know the real me, they would leave me and why waste my time and theirs. If you love him...don't give up on yourself or the marriage. Talk to him, get some counselling, rebuild the trust. Well you are both cheaters, you have that in common.. try to build on that. That was so wrong of you to say.
LakesideDream Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I'm not going to apologise this time fellow LS'ers. I am seriously put off by a person asking for advice.. after they admitted they were independant cheaters as well as their spouses. I think that folks should show a sembelence of modesty. They don't know how to deal with their own infidelity before cursing their spouses. Both of them were putting their own loins before their childrens priorities. Now E-momma is looking for a shoulder to cry on... not mine.
TMCM Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 (edited) I think that folks should show a sembelence of modesty. They don't know how to deal with their own infidelity before cursing their spouses. I agree that when a cheating spouse comes to the forum hypocritically complaining that he/she discovered that his/her betrayed spouse was having an affair, that he/she should be given a well deserved hit over the head with a 2X4 BUT that is not the case here. She is actually blaming her behavior, not her husbands, as a contributing factor to the bad state of her marriage. She is owning up to her sh** and that takes guts considering that its always easier to look at the other person's faults than to look in a mirror and acknowledge our own. Edited January 21, 2008 by TMCM
Sierra Sunrise Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I'm not going to apologise this time fellow LS'ers. I am seriously put off by a person asking for advice.. after they admitted they were independant cheaters as well as their spouses. I think that folks should show a sembelence of modesty. They don't know how to deal with their own infidelity before cursing their spouses. Both of them were putting their own loins before their childrens priorities. Now E-momma is looking for a shoulder to cry on... not mine. Hey that's fine then don't bother posting where you can't be helpful. Even modestly critical help. What you said was not needed and your bitterness shines through. Have you had any sort of counseling at all Lakeside? If not then I think you should get some. That's all.
BetrayedMM Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Actually, Lakeside's advice makes sense. Isn't that another way to say the same thing as TMCM- The issues must be dealt with on both sides?
LakesideDream Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Hey that's fine then don't bother posting where you can't be helpful. Even modestly critical help. What you said was not needed and your bitterness shines through. Have you had any sort of counseling at all Lakeside? If not then I think you should get some. That's all. Actually I did "get counseling" a year and a half before my divorce. 5 counselors said the same thing before being fired. Their opions were stunningly similar. They suggested my now ex had "issues" that needed to be addressed in individual counseling before getting together for marriage counseling. No question I contributed to the problems in my marriage. I didnt close cabinet doors, I often forgot to take off my shoes coming into the house, when depressed I got moody and isolated myself in the den and read. What I didn't do is cheat for 23 years mainly with one guy, occasionally with random toys. I didn't hit anyone with various household items, I didn't go on drinking and (unknown to me) drug binges. I didn't run the home out of household finances bouncing mortgage checks, and utility checks to use the money to treat friends to "white powder". I didn't ignore the children, forcing the complete responsibility on someone else. Am I bitter? Sure, that's the natural response. Being "bitter" helps a person to guard themselves against repeating the same mistakes.
Sierra Sunrise Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Lakeside, That's really sad and I'm sorry to hear that. But you know being bitter does nothing but slowly kill the world around you and then your soul, in which then you're left with nothing but a hollow empty shell of a life in which you could be making so much better. I wish you the best of luck. I just don't think bitterness is overly helpful to others. That's all. I have no ill feelings towards ya or anything else. I'm sorry for your loss and your pain.
BetrayedMM Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Sierra- he's already there. He describes himself as a broken shell of a man. Sometimes a person can get beaten down so hard, they can't get back up. I do feel very sorry for him. He probably doesn't want our pity. His story is a warning of where this behavior leads, and what it does to people. As such, I consider him to be an important asset to this forum. It may just be that someone somewhere reads his story and realizes that cheating on someone in some ways is far worse than KILLING them, and they decide NOT to do it. If that happens, at least he can have some measure of comfort knowing that he prevented what happened to him from happening to someone else. Enough of me speaking for him, that's not my place, I'm just saying I completely understand and see him as a kind and caring person doing the best he can to help folks out without compromising his principles. Integrity. Something I can really respect. If he makes cheaters feel bad about themselves, good. Maybe they'll knock it off, and stop destroying human beings. What they do is wrong by any measure. No point sugarcoating it. He is a prime example of why they don't deserve the respect they have nerve enough to expect.
jenniferc1114 Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 ,Am I bitter? Sure, that's the natural response. Being "bitter" helps a person to guard themselves against repeating the same mistakes. Bitter makes you miserable. I'm very bitter right now, I could have copied and pasted almost all the same info. But I still have love, that's probably what keeps me alive. These 2 above need counseling. If the desire is there from the both of them they will get thru this. Goodluck E-momma! If you can still find love for your H...start there.
Author Elilmomma Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 (edited) I'm not going to apologise this time fellow LS'ers. I am seriously put off by a person asking for advice.. after they admitted they were independant cheaters as well as their spouses. I think that folks should show a sembelence of modesty. They don't know how to deal with their own infidelity before cursing their spouses. Both of them were putting their own loins before their childrens priorities. Now E-momma is looking for a shoulder to cry on... not mine. I just want to say that first I am not looking for a shoulder to cry just some advice. Then yeah I cheated but there is so much more to my story that you don't know. I was only 19 years old when I met my husband and and he was 8 years older than I was. Now I am going on 3o years old and have learned alot form my past mistakes.I am not making excuses but I am only human and I made a mistake over 8 years ago. would I do it again "NO". I know better now. I feel sorry that you are so bitter, and that you are so quick to judge others. can anyone show me one relationship that has lasted longer than 10 years that someone has not cheated? So I know that I did him wrong and he did me wrong. I just hope you can find some peace so you won't be so bitter. One more thing since we have been married I HAVE NOT CHEATED!!! nor do I need to cheat.. I am in a far better place now than I was emotionally 8 years ago. Edited January 23, 2008 by Elilmomma
BetrayedMM Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 can anyone show me one relationship that has lasted longer than 10 years that someone has not cheated? Yes. How long do you want the list to be? I'm glad you asked that question. It made me realize that cheating is not universal, not inevitable, and maybe some day it will be possible to trust again. I hadn't thought of it quite that way.
Author Elilmomma Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Sierra- he's already there. He describes himself as a broken shell of a man. Sometimes a person can get beaten down so hard, they can't get back up. I do feel very sorry for him. He probably doesn't want our pity. His story is a warning of where this behavior leads, and what it does to people. As such, I consider him to be an important asset to this forum. It may just be that someone somewhere reads his story and realizes that cheating on someone in some ways is far worse than KILLING them, and they decide NOT to do it. If that happens, at least he can have some measure of comfort knowing that he prevented what happened to him from happening to someone else. Enough of me speaking for him, that's not my place, I'm just saying I completely understand and see him as a kind and caring person doing the best he can to help folks out without compromising his principles. Integrity. Something I can really respect. If he makes cheaters feel bad about themselves, good. Maybe they'll knock it off, and stop destroying human beings. What they do is wrong by any measure. No point sugarcoating it. He is a prime example of why they don't deserve the respect they have nerve enough to expect. First of all I am only human and only God can judge me.. We all make mistakes in life and the most important thing is that you learn from them .I was just looking for advice. All I have to say is before you judge someone else you should look in the mirror first.
BetrayedMM Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I apologize if I've upset you. I wasn't directly bashing you, rather, sticking up for someone who was being bashed. I've already admitted that I cheated on a girl when I was in my teens, so I do know what both sides are like. I know that I've learned my lesson, what was wrong with ME that I did that, and have addressed my insecurity issues long ago. I still actively work on it, especially recently... And, if someone were to flame me for cheating, I would fully deserve it, because there was absolutely no excuse for what I did. I don't feel I ever really paid the price to her... I got my just deserts many times over, but none of that can undo what I did to that girl. I have to live with that. I know full well that I will continue to pay a price for that for the rest of my life, and accept that. My position is that cheaters are scum. How do I know? The mirror. From both perspectives. I was scum when I did it. I am scum because I did that. Period. I deserve the label. Now, that being said, I thank you. You inadvertently struck a chord in me by asking if anyone could give examples of successful long term relationships. I now feel something I haven't felt in a long time- hope.
Author Elilmomma Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 (edited) I am also paying my dues to this day for what I did. My husband and I both are, and like you we have to live with that for the rest of our lives. But also like you I am hopefull for our future. I am not upset by what you said because I feel like scum everyday, and will for the rest of my life. All I can do is learn from my mistakes. Edited January 23, 2008 by Elilmomma
BetrayedMM Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Oh, there's no hope for my marriage. When you drop your wallet in a river of molten lava, ya just gotta let it go. My wife will not address the issues that make her a cheater, so I must end it. The hope is for the future. With some not yet met lady that may or may not be out there somewhere.
Author Elilmomma Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 Oh, there's no hope for my marriage. When you drop your wallet in a river of molten lava, ya just gotta let it go. My wife will not address the issues that make her a cheater, so I must end it. The hope is for the future. With some not yet met lady that may or may not be out there somewhere. I wish you nothing but the best of luck. she wont realize what she had until it's too late.
BetrayedMM Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Yeah, it's going to hit her pretty hard. At this point, I don't care. She made her bed(and his, and his, and his), so to hell with her. I only hope your husband gets around to the mindset you have. There is hope for you, I only hope that your husband gets around to fully realizing what he's done, and takes action to 'fix' himself. Sounds like you've already done that. But expect to do alot of talking about your end of it too, because it needs addressed from both sides. That shouldn't be a problem for you since you own what you've done. The real question right now is- will he own what he's done?
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