Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 SG (my namesake, ha!), I'm sorry I spaced on this thread. I didn't re-open it, thinking the original issue was resolved. How are things today? Have you spoken to him? Did he ever "take back" his comments about not wanting to be in a relationship? BF and I had a similar conversation in December, and his "freak out" seems to get worse through the holidays. But come the beginning of the year, he literally took it all back. Like your BF, he voiced ALL of his concerns when he probably should have thought them through before piping up. I hope everything works out for you!
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Well if you are ok with the ex hanging out and texting him, then so be it. IMO, your BF needs to get tough with her and tell her to lay off on the texting. I was ok with it before but these last few weeks have been a bit excessive. I don't think that he would get back together with her even if I wasn't around so I'm not worried about that, but I still get irritated hearing his phone go off in the middle of the night almost every night. I am almost ready to tell her off myself... probably not a good idea, but sometimes I want to.
Pyro Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I was ok with it before but these last few weeks have been a bit excessive. I don't think that he would get back together with her even if I wasn't around so I'm not worried about that, but I still get irritated hearing his phone go off in the middle of the night almost every night. I am almost ready to tell her off myself... probably not a good idea, but sometimes I want to. I know that you are not worried about that, but it is common courtesy. You don't text someone that often if they are not your SO. Every night? This has to stop. Tell your BF to tell her off, otherwise you will.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 SG (my namesake, ha!), I'm sorry I spaced on this thread. I didn't re-open it, thinking the original issue was resolved. How are things today? Have you spoken to him? Did he ever "take back" his comments about not wanting to be in a relationship? BF and I had a similar conversation in December, and his "freak out" seems to get worse through the holidays. But come the beginning of the year, he literally took it all back. Like your BF, he voiced ALL of his concerns when he probably should have thought them through before piping up. I hope everything works out for you! I haven't talked to him since I left there on Tuesday morning. He was half asleep when I left for work but he asked if he would get to see me again, so I told him he needs to call me because I am not going to call him. He did take back what he said, but it was more because he felt bad for telling me that and making me upset. I get the feeling that he is still trying to figure out what he wants to do. I think we got too serious too fast and everyone but us saw it happening. The more I think about it I can't be too mad at him for saying what he did because he had a problem with being honest in his past relationships and I told him that I will find out if he lies to me and I'm not going to tolerate it, so he was probably just trying to do what he promised he would... How are things going with your BF?
Pyro Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 He did take back what he said, but it was more because he felt bad for telling me that and making me upset. I get the feeling that he is still trying to figure out what he wants to do. I think we got too serious too fast and everyone but us saw it happening. How fast we talking here?
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I haven't talked to him since I left there on Tuesday morning. He was half asleep when I left for work but he asked if he would get to see me again, so I told him he needs to call me because I am not going to call him. He did take back what he said, but it was more because he felt bad for telling me that and making me upset. I get the feeling that he is still trying to figure out what he wants to do. I think we got too serious too fast and everyone but us saw it happening. The more I think about it I can't be too mad at him for saying what he did because he had a problem with being honest in his past relationships and I told him that I will find out if he lies to me and I'm not going to tolerate it, so he was probably just trying to do what he promised he would... How are things going with your BF? You're stronger than I am. I would have called him by now (although I probably wouldn't have had to with my current BF, he would have called already). Things are as good as can be expected in a LDR, I suppose. He's still settling in, re-familiarizing himself with his mom's city, seeing old friends, etc., but still being very attentive to me from afar. It's as if nothing's changed except we're not in each other's presence. That's been quite an adjustment though, having spent at least 4 nights a week with him on average. I'm hoping to set my trip to see him soon, I want a date on the calendar to look forward to, ya know?
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 How fast we talking here? We were staying the night together almost every night starting less than 2 weeks into the relationship. We were spending just about every weekend together to the point that my friends thought I disappeared off the face of the earth. After about a month he drove across the state to see me when I went to my parents for a few days, he stayed at my mom's house with me and met literally my whole family. Since I got my new job we haven't been staying together every night but it's still 3-5 nights a week.
Pyro Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 We were staying the night together almost every night starting less than 2 weeks into the relationship. We were spending just about every weekend together to the point that my friends thought I disappeared off the face of the earth. After about a month he drove across the state to see me when I went to my parents for a few days, he stayed at my mom's house with me and met literally my whole family. Since I got my new job we haven't been staying together every night but it's still 3-5 nights a week. Maybe he now realizes that he rushed into things with you and thats why he is having these thoughts.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 You're stronger than I am. I would have called him by now (although I probably wouldn't have had to with my current BF, he would have called already). Things are as good as can be expected in a LDR, I suppose. He's still settling in, re-familiarizing himself with his mom's city, seeing old friends, etc., but still being very attentive to me from afar. It's as if nothing's changed except we're not in each other's presence. That's been quite an adjustment though, having spent at least 4 nights a week with him on average. I'm hoping to set my trip to see him soon, I want a date on the calendar to look forward to, ya know? I don't know that I am stronger than you... I have picked up my phone so many times today to text or call him, but I told him I was going to wait for him to call me so I am sticking to that. I'm glad your LDR is working out so far! I was in one for the first few years of college and I honestly couldn't imagine doing it again after what my ex did to me. I think you said he had been in one before that didn't go so well, so I'm glad he is willing to try it again for you! I'm sure booking your trip will help a lot, I know it always did for me. Having that date to look forward to is one of the best feelings when you are in a LDR.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 Maybe he now realizes that he rushed into things with you and thats why he is having these thoughts. That's a good possibility. I wish I knew more of what he was thinking, maybe I could make him feel better about it.
oppath Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 You can't read his mind unfortunately. Truth be told, he probably doesn't really understand his feelings and any justification he gives -- i.e. reasons x,y,z -- are mostly attempts to rationalize his feelings, but they would just be excuses of some sort. It does sound like he is willing to discuss this with you and is being honest and that he's not going to just end it without involving you in that discussion. I think a lot of relationships go through this around the 5-6 month mark. You are doing an admirable job of remaining strong. I'd be freaking out and the relationship would probably be over for me going crazy. I've been in his shoes. How were things before? Were you always really affectionate? Did you have a period were you would talk about the future, seriously, not just little "in 5 year" hypotheticals?
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 You can't read his mind unfortunately. Truth be told, he probably doesn't really understand his feelings and any justification he gives -- i.e. reasons x,y,z -- are mostly attempts to rationalize his feelings, but they would just be excuses of some sort. It does sound like he is willing to discuss this with you and is being honest and that he's not going to just end it without involving you in that discussion. I think a lot of relationships go through this around the 5-6 month mark. You are doing an admirable job of remaining strong. I'd be freaking out and the relationship would probably be over for me going crazy. I've been in his shoes. How were things before? Were you always really affectionate? Did you have a period were you would talk about the future, seriously, not just little "in 5 year" hypotheticals? Things were great before, we have always been pretty affectionate, which is something I was not used to at all. We have talked about the future some but at this point no one knows if I am going to be in this state in 6 months. I have applied to grad schools and if I get in I will be moving to another state (another thing that could be freaking him out...although we have talked a lot about that in the past and agreed that we would figure it out if I actually get in somewhere) He always says that he hopes I don't have to move away for school, he has more confidence in me than I do, he thinks I will get in but I don't think it's a possibility right now. I find out by mid-March if I get called back for an interview. Aside from that we have always talked like I am not going to move away for school and that we will be together for a long time. What do you mean you have been in his shoes?
oppath Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I ended things with a girl in November and was conflicted about it. In fact, we hung out last week, had sex (she initiated), and I really miss her. I'm quite conflicted about it. My reasons at the time were similar to what your bf is going through. However, we never were exclusive. It wasn't an affectionate, official relationship. There were lots of issues (her ex still in the picture, etc) and it was mostly a question of timing for both of us. So it is not a comparable situation. I've never been in a solid relationship where things have been going well and suddenly felt like I didn't want to be in a relationship. I've had a woman pull it on me and my reaction is "bull****." I've been left devastated. What I admire about your bf is that he is honest with you and is including you in a discussion about these things. You are part of the discussion and solution. As out of control as you may feel, you are a part of it. That is a great sign for the relationship to work out and continue. It's more often someone just ends the relationship. He has not done that. In fact, he has taken responsibility for even bringing it up. He sounds like he wants to work through it. I think that is a great thing.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 27, 2008 Author Posted January 27, 2008 I haven't been on here very much for the last few days... but here is an update for those of you who are wondering what happened. He text me on Thursday and wanted to come over to see me when I got off work, but I already had plans with my best friend. He knows us pretty well and after trying to call me a few times later that night he came to the bar we normally go to. He hung out with us for a while and then I had to take my best friend home. He called me 20 minutes later saying he was waiting at my house for me, by this time it is almost midnight. I hadn't been feeling well all day so I told him he could come up to my apartment if he wanted but I wasn't going to stay up much later. So he came up and stayed with me. I woke up the next morning and was feeling worse than I had before so I called in sick to work. He offered to take me to the doctor but I really didn't want to be around anyone at all so I told him to go home and I'd call him later after I went to the doctor. He called later to see if I was feeling better and wanted to go out with him and his best friend, I didn't feel better so I didn't go. I woke up at about 5 on Saturday morning with horrible abdomen pain, and ended up driving myself to the ER. I was there until almost 4 that afternoon. I thought about calling him and telling him but I knew he would want to come stay with me and I really didn't want anyone there with me. When they went to discharge me they told me that I couldn't drive so they needed someone to come get me. I called everyone that I could think of that was close to the hospital I was in and no one could come get me or they didn't answer. I ended up calling him, so him and his best friend came to get me. They showed up at the ER and his best friend came in to grab my stuff out of the room I was in while my BF signed the paperwork saying that he wouldn't let me drive for 12 hours. His best friend said that my BF was frustrated that I didn't call him that morning to tell him that I was in the hospital, so I told him I didn't want him to spend his whole day sitting in the hospital with me. He called me 2 times last night and once today to see how I am doing and told me that I should tell him if I end up back in the hospital. We still haven't talked about what he wants as far as us, but he is starting to act normal again. I'll talk to him when I am feeling better.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 27, 2008 Posted January 27, 2008 Hope you are feeling better! Sounds like things with him are going well!
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 28, 2008 Author Posted January 28, 2008 Hope you are feeling better! Sounds like things with him are going well! I am starting to feel better, thanks Things are going better with him too, I am still frustrated but it's mostly in my head wondering why he told me he isn't sure about being in a relationship.
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2008 Posted January 28, 2008 I am starting to feel better, thanks Things are going better with him too, I am still frustrated but it's mostly in my head wondering why he told me he isn't sure about being in a relationship. I'm glad you're feeling better, SG! As much as I love my BF, I have fleeting moments of doubt too. I think it's perfectly reasonable to take a moment of pause to consider whether you're in the right place for a relationship, whether you want the same things, are compatible, etc. If you didn't, and just walked through with blinders on, you'd probably have even more problems in the end. As you know, BF expressed his doubt to me too... but I feel that we're now stronger because of it. We were able to work through our perceived obstacles together. I hope you find yourself with the same result.
.thumb.JPG.a10c074c5e66dbfa3c84ea759c73ae13.JPG)
Recommended Posts