ShoeGirl Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I have been dating my boyfriend since July and everything has been great, aside from our momentary lapses in communication, but it hasn't been anything major. Last night he was out with a bunch of his guy friends and he was texting me trying to get me to come to his place when he left the bar, I was working on homework and needed to get it done and go to sleep since I had to get up early. Him being a little intoxicated he kept trying to convince me, including bribing me by offering to do my homework and drive me to work the next day so that I wouldn't have to get up as early to go catch the bus. I was trying to convince him that we could do something tonight instead, when he told me he had plane tonight so I asked what he was doing, then I got this text "well if you weren't such a f****** cunt you'd be invited. My other girlfriend is way hotter. Plus she does this thing with her tongue. And likes anal." I didn't respond because I was sure he didn't write that. I got a message a few minutes later saying that his friend sent me the message while he was in the bathroom. I just let it go last night because I knew he was drunk and it wasn't worth asking why his friends sent me that. He texted me apologizing again when he got home but my phone was off because I was asleep. I texted him today asking why they decided to call me a cunt. He called me right back but my phone didn't ring I just got the voice mail (bad cell service in the break room at my work), he was really sorry that they said that and he said he got mad at them last night for saying that to me. Apparently they thought that it was funny... Now I can't stop thinking about the "my other girlfriend" part, I have no reason to believe that he is cheating on me but since my ex cheated on me Iand I had no clue am hesitant to just let it go. I'm sure I am just making it a big deal when it was his drunk friends texting me, but I can't let it go, every time I think about him I get upset because I start trying to figure out if he is really cheating on me. Why do I do this to myself?
Star Gazer Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 You do this to yourself in the hopes of protecting yourself from reliving past hurt. It's totally understandable, and I can certainly empathize. But what you have to constantly remind yourself is that your BF is not the jerk who came before him. It sounds like your BF loves you and was incredibly apologetic, and did his best to rectify the situation. His friend(s), on the other hand, are complete a$$es, as demonstrated by the use of the C-word. I wouldn't be concerned about him cheating, but I wouldn't be concerned about why he associates with people who would behave that way, know what I mean?
Tantrumboy Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I have been dating my boyfriend since July and everything has been great, aside from our momentary lapses in communication, but it hasn't been anything major. Last night he was out with a bunch of his guy friends and he was texting me trying to get me to come to his place when he left the bar, I was working on homework and needed to get it done and go to sleep since I had to get up early. Him being a little intoxicated he kept trying to convince me, including bribing me by offering to do my homework and drive me to work the next day so that I wouldn't have to get up as early to go catch the bus. I was trying to convince him that we could do something tonight instead, when he told me he had plane tonight so I asked what he was doing, then I got this text "well if you weren't such a f****** cunt you'd be invited. My other girlfriend is way hotter. Plus she does this thing with her tongue. And likes anal." I didn't respond because I was sure he didn't write that. I got a message a few minutes later saying that his friend sent me the message while he was in the bathroom. I just let it go last night because I knew he was drunk and it wasn't worth asking why his friends sent me that. He texted me apologizing again when he got home but my phone was off because I was asleep. I texted him today asking why they decided to call me a cunt. He called me right back but my phone didn't ring I just got the voice mail (bad cell service in the break room at my work), he was really sorry that they said that and he said he got mad at them last night for saying that to me. Apparently they thought that it was funny... Now I can't stop thinking about the "my other girlfriend" part, I have no reason to believe that he is cheating on me but since my ex cheated on me Iand I had no clue am hesitant to just let it go. I'm sure I am just making it a big deal when it was his drunk friends texting me, but I can't let it go, every time I think about him I get upset because I start trying to figure out if he is really cheating on me. Why do I do this to myself? I can understand where you are coming from and you have every reason to feel that way..but here is the thing..that text in its entirety is all wishful thinking and one big joke..calling a chick the c-word is kinda like this barrell of monkeys thing for us guys..we get some twisted perverse satisfaction out of that..so some jackass (prolly his drunk friend) started off with that..went into the other gf part to be really mean..went into the anal part which is another big deal for us guys...not me though..because i er..like birds *looks sideways. no seriously though..i just think it comes across as one pathetic joke from the mind of an idiot and should be treated as such.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 You do this to yourself in the hopes of protecting yourself from reliving past hurt. It's totally understandable, and I can certainly empathize. But what you have to constantly remind yourself is that your BF is not the jerk who came before him. It sounds like your BF loves you and was incredibly apologetic, and did his best to rectify the situation. His friend(s), on the other hand, are complete a$$es, as demonstrated by the use of the C-word. I wouldn't be concerned about him cheating, but I would be concerned about why he associates with people who would behave that way, know what I mean?That's what she meant, and I agree with everything else. Young me can be so juvenile! His friends sound like they're 14, at best, although I know better.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 You do this to yourself in the hopes of protecting yourself from reliving past hurt. It's totally understandable, and I can certainly empathize. But what you have to constantly remind yourself is that your BF is not the jerk who came before him. It sounds like your BF loves you and was incredibly apologetic, and did his best to rectify the situation. His friend(s), on the other hand, are complete a$$es, as demonstrated by the use of the C-word. I wouldn't be concerned about him cheating, but I wouldn't be concerned about why he associates with people who would behave that way, know what I mean? Thanks Star! He doesn't normally hang out with them, in fact I have never met them... if the message came from one of his friends that I knew and hung out with I think I would just laugh at it, but then again I'm sure that they wouldn't call me a cunt. These are a bunch of guys he goes on bike rides with. Only a few of his good friends have bikes and they don't like to/don't have time to go out as much as he does, so he met these guys when he owned his last bike and started hanging out with them again when he bought his new one. I just feel bad that I am even thinking that he is cheating
Saxis Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 His friend(s), on the other hand, are complete a$$es, as demonstrated by the use of the C-word. I wouldn't be concerned about him cheating, but I wouldn't be concerned about why he associates with people who would behave that way, know what I mean? Right on SG. I have no idea what would even possess a "friend" to say something like that. Or even look at the private messages on his phone! Complete disrespect to you and your BF.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 I can understand where you are coming from and you have every reason to feel that way..but here is the thing..that text in its entirety is all wishful thinking and one big joke..calling a chick the c-word is kinda like this barrell of monkeys thing for us guys..we get some twisted perverse satisfaction out of that..so some jackass (prolly his drunk friend) started off with that..went into the other gf part to be really mean..went into the anal part which is another big deal for us guys...not me though..because i er..like birds *looks sideways. no seriously though..i just think it comes across as one pathetic joke from the mind of an idiot and should be treated as such. Thanks! That makes me feel a little better.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 That's what she meant, and I agree with everything else. Young me can be so juvenile! His friends sound like they're 14, at best, although I know better. LOL that's what I read actually Sadly they are all 25-30...
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Right on SG. I have no idea what would even possess a "friend" to say something like that. Or even look at the private messages on his phone! Complete disrespect to you and your BF. That's another thing I don't get, I would never (no matter how drunk I was) take a friends phone and text someone. Well... unless I was friends with that person as well, even then I would identify myself.
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Ahem...your b/f is a big boy and should be able to hang onto his phone. If not, he shouldn't have a phone... Regardless, I think you should share your concerns with your b/f. If he wants to hang with a bunch of retards who would disrespect someone else's g/f to that magnitude, he'll have to take some personal responsibility for it.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Ahem...your b/f is a big boy and should be able to hang onto his phone. If not, he shouldn't have a phone... Regardless, I think you should share your concerns with your b/f. If he wants to hang with a bunch of retards who would disrespect someone else's g/f to that magnitude, he'll have to take some personal responsibility for it. Good point! He did take responsibility for it, he said he shouldn't have left his phone and that he didn't think they would start texting me, he actually thought that they would text his ex and tell her off (again) before they would text me. I am hesitant to tell him because I think he would get offended that I think he could be cheating all because his stupid friends texted me, since I know that he didn't write that message.
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Good point! He did take responsibility for it, he said he shouldn't have left his phone and that he didn't think they would start texting me, he actually thought that they would text his ex and tell her off (again) before they would text me. I am hesitant to tell him because I think he would get offended that I think he could be cheating all because his stupid friends texted me, since I know that he didn't write that message. Is your b/f an empathetic individual? Has he ever been cheated on?
dropdeadlegs Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 LOL that's what I read actually Sadly they are all 25-30...Sadly 25-35 can be juvenile years for SOME men. Especially those who have not a significant relationship of some kind by that age. A friend of my SO's proved that on Christmas Eve! I was reeling about his words and actions after he left our home, and my BF was apologizing profusely, even though Brad is a grown man and responsible for himself. I wasn't blaming my BF, but he sure was accepting responsibility for HIS friend's inappropriate words! I guess he felt partly responsible based on the friendship.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Is your b/f an empathetic individual? Has he ever been cheated on? He is empathetic, most of the time, it depends on the situation. Usually when it comes to me and the insecurities that my ex caused he is understanding. But I don't want to make it seem like I think that he is cheating just because of one text message... I have no other reason to think that he would cheat on me, all of his friends say that he is the happiest that he has been in a long time since he has been with me. He hasn't been cheated on that he knows of, he did suspect his last ex of cheating but he doesn't know for sure.
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 He is empathetic, most of the time, it depends on the situation. Usually when it comes to me and the insecurities that my ex caused he is understanding. But I don't want to make it seem like I think that he is cheating just because of one text message... I have no other reason to think that he would cheat on me, all of his friends say that he is the happiest that he has been in a long time since he has been with me. He hasn't been cheated on that he knows of, he did suspect his last ex of cheating but he doesn't know for sure. Good. Here's a way to broach it with him. Bring up that you've been cheated on (which he knows) and that the text hit you hard where it hurts, most.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Good. Here's a way to broach it with him. Bring up that you've been cheated on (which he knows) and that the text hit you hard where it hurts, most. That's a good idea, I should be seeing him tomorrow so I will talk to him
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 That's a good idea, I should be seeing him tomorrow so I will talk to him Good luck ShoeGirl. I think you need to get this off your chest without causing a major issue with him. He's got to understand that something like that, even if it's a joke, can hurt bad. It would bother me a lot too.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Good luck ShoeGirl. I think you need to get this off your chest without causing a major issue with him. He's got to understand that something like that, even if it's a joke, can hurt bad. It would bother me a lot too. Thanks! I am sure he knows it hurt me, after all he has appolgized 3 different times for what happened. I will still talk to him when I see him though
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 I talked to him last night, he completely understands why I am questioning him, and understands why I automatically thought he was cheating. He assured me that there was no one else, and that he doesn't want to lose me. So I thought everything was fine... A few hours later we were laying on my bed talking when he suddenly got all serious. He basically said that he had been thinking a lot about us for the past few weeks and he wasn't sure that he wanted to be in a relationship, not just with me but with anyone. He made a point to tell me that there wasn't anyone else and that he didn't want to lose me, he basically wants to not be together but still hang out sometimes. I told him that if he didn't want a relationship that's his choice but he can't expect me to wait around for him. He said that when he is with me he is the happiest he has been in a long time but when I am not around he questions whether or not he should be in a relationship. He also told me that his ex has been texting him a lot lately, so I asked if she had something to do with him not wanting a relationship. He said that he wouldn't get back together with her even if that's what she wanted and that she was not any part of why he didn't want a relationship. We talked about it for about an hour, by then end he kept saying that he shouldn't have brought it up at all, and that it was a mistake to say anything to me. We ended up falling asleep and this morning I told him that he needs to figure it out and let me know what he wants to do. So he said he'd call me tomorrow. I guess I am just venting, I don't know what to think. I don't know why he thinks he shouldn't be in a relationship, and when I asked him he said he didn't know either.
Pyro Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 That is odd of him, but he said it to you, so the thought has obviously crossed his mind. Maybe he realized just how serious you two have become and maybe he is a little scared to take the next step. Has he ever come across as a commitment phobe?
Trialbyfire Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 He also told me that his ex has been texting him a lot lately, so I asked if she had something to do with him not wanting a relationship. Hmmm...no matter what he says, she's obviously affecting his thought processes. You did the right thing here: this morning I told him that he needs to figure it out and let me know what he wants to do. So he said he'd call me tomorrow. The ball's now in his court. Let him play it out.
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 That is odd of him, but he said it to you, so the thought has obviously crossed his mind. Maybe he realized just how serious you two have become and maybe he is a little scared to take the next step. Has he ever come across as a commitment phobe? It's really odd, I don't get it. He basically did a 360 on me... the night before he was jokingly saying that we should get married in 5 years when he turns 30, so I jokingly said yeah sure sounds like a plan. Then he does this... For as long as I have known him he hasn't given me any reason to think that he is afraid of commitment. I don't know what is going through his head.
Pyro Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 It's really odd, I don't get it. He basically did a 360 on me... the night before he was jokingly saying that we should get married in 5 years when he turns 30, so I jokingly said yeah sure sounds like a plan. Then he does this... For as long as I have known him he hasn't given me any reason to think that he is afraid of commitment. I don't know what is going through his head. Very weird how he changed just like that. Has anything different happened between you two recently?
Author ShoeGirl Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Hmmm...no matter what he says, she's obviously affecting his thought processes. I bet she is, I have heard from him and many of his friends that she is manipulative and controlling, so I am guessing there isn't a whole lot I can do at this point except let him decide. You did the right thing here: The ball's now in his court. Let him play it out. My last ex played too many games, and I am not about to let him do the same. I have no intention of contacting him first, it's his decision now... and some of you know how stubborn I can be
Pyro Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 and some of you know how stubborn I can be :lmao:
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