etgreene Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 My girlfriend of just over a year wants me to move in but I don't know that I'm ready. The kicker is that she is 3 months pregnant with my child. I am 34 and she is 29. I am just coming out of a 12 year marriage and don't know that I am ready to move in just yet. We are actually with each other every night, but I know that she is right when she says that she won't be going back and forth any more or having a father that just comes and goes. Any thoughts would be helpful BTW- She says I either move in or move on by the time my child is born.
compassion42 Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I can certainly understand her perspectivve. She's having YOUR child and it's time for you to step up. Even if you're not ready....you should do what is right and best for your new family. She sounds like a strong woman and obviously you care for her-you may as well take that next step!
EYECANDY000 Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I agree with compassion. She feels like since you two spend every night with each other you might as well move in and split the cost of things. She is having your baby!
BeautifulMystique Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 You're quite in a wicked situation, aren't you? I don't know if I could be with someone who isn't ready to move in with me if I am pregnant with his child. If you feel like you can't fully commit then don't move in with her but do help her out financially and co-parent the baby.
Trecherized Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 If she wasn't pregnant then I would say don't move in but now I guess you have to take care of your responsibility.
BeautifulMystique Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 EDIT: Share the responsibilities of having a baby together.
Author etgreene Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 I think about it because of the baby. But if it wasn't for that I doubt I would even think about it right now. We didn't plan it but couldn't get rid of it. I just don't want to force a relationship and have it fail for lack of being ready for this step.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 If you don't want to move in with her when she is pregnant with your child, perhaps you should have discussed that with her before impregnating her. Be a man. Take responsibility.
norajane Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 BTW- She says I either move in or move on by the time my child is born.Lots of people raise children and don't live together. Don't let her try to blackmail you into moving in if you aren't ready - being miserable in a house together isn't going to help the baby any. She can't keep you away from your child - you have rights as a father and can still see the baby by law. Make sure you take care of the child financially and there's nothing she can do to prevent you from seeing your child. However, it may be that she only means she will end your relationship if you don't move in with her (and not that she'd try to keep you away from the baby). How do you think you'd feel if you moved in with her under pressure like that and not by choice? Would that create resentment and make your relationship deteriorate? I guess what I'm saying is you shouldn't move in with her just because of her threats. She may be emotional and want you to do what she wants, but if you're in no condition to move in with her, don't cave under pressure. It's almost guaranteed that caving under pressure will destroy the intimacy between you.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I agree completely. The baby is real, but if the relationship isn't ready to move to the level of "baby equates live-in family" maybe you should explore other options.Lots of people raise children and don't live together. Don't let her try to blackmail you into moving in if you aren't ready - being miserable in a house together isn't going to help the baby any. She can't keep you away from your child - you have rights as a father and can still see the baby by law. Make sure you take care of the child financially and there's nothing she can do to prevent you from seeing your child. However, it may be that she only means she will end your relationship if you don't move in with her (and not that she'd try to keep you away from the baby). How do you think you'd feel if you moved in with her under pressure like that and not by choice? Would that create resentment and make your relationship deteriorate? I guess what I'm saying is you shouldn't move in with her just because of her threats. She may be emotional and want you to do what she wants, but if you're in no condition to move in with her, don't cave under pressure. It's almost guaranteed that caving under pressure will destroy the intimacy between you.
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Might I ask who decided to keep the child? The reason I ask, is if the greater part of the decision to keep the child resides with you, you should take your share of the responsibility of taking care of the child, not only financially. If she wanted to keep the child, she's more responsible for the decision.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I think about it because of the baby. But if it wasn't for that I doubt I would even think about it right now. We didn't plan it but couldn't get rid of it. I just don't want to force a relationship and have it fail for lack of being ready for this step. I assume the "keep" decision was made jointly.
Saxis Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 She's probably scared out of her mind right now, and you probably are too. The ultimatum she gave you reflects that, to force you into this. Obviously you're in it already as the father. I would guess that she really doesn't want you out of the relationship either way. She wants the security of knowing that you will be there to help her. If you can assure her that you're in this with her but don't want to move too fast, it might take some of the pressure off - that is if you actually do want to be involved.
Saxis Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I assume the "keep" decision was made jointly. Unfortunately, a father doesn't get that privilege either way.
Author etgreene Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 I am actually very excited to have this child, although maybe I wasn't at first. I just never wanted it to force a relationship to move from its natural pace. I already plan on being involved both emotionally and financially. I must confess I did not expect so many responses. Thank you all
Saxis Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I am actually very excited to have this child, although maybe I wasn't at first. I just never wanted it to force a relationship to move from its natural pace. I already plan on being involved both emotionally and financially. You must tell her exactly this if you haven't already.
BeautifulMystique Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I am actually very excited to have this child, although maybe I wasn't at first. I just never wanted it to force a relationship to move from its natural pace. I already plan on being involved both emotionally and financially. I must confess I did not expect so many responses. Thank you all It's never a good feeling when things happen unexpectedly. All the best!
dropdeadlegs Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Unfortunately, a father doesn't get that privilege either way. Understood, but it seemed joint in this case I am actually very excited to have this child, although maybe I wasn't at first. I just never wanted it to force a relationship to move from its natural pace. I already plan on being involved both emotionally and financially. I must confess I did not expect so many responses. Thank you all i assume that your "girl" is having feelings of the nature that without living together she has less control. If you are psyched about a child, and share that with her, she may become less uncomfortable. Or not. She might also see this as the opportunity to succumb to her biddings, and her upbringing/family/beliefs might be towards living together as a minimum show of doing your part (not to mention keeping up with it.)
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