onemorespin Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 hello, i am new to here and could use some advice. my boyfriend of 2 1/2 yrs broke up with me right before christmas. he said he needs to work out his own life before he can fully commit to me. we lived together and weren't fighting when he broke it off. he is unhappy with himself and his own life and feels like he can't be in a relationship right now. since then, he has been very hot and cold with me. some days he says he made a mistake and is very loving towards me and other days he treats me like i meant nothing to him. recently he has been very sweet and has been calling a lot, emailing a lot and saying he loves me and doesn't think he will ever get over me. however, he hasn't taken any solid steps to get me back and i am very confused by all of this. should i cut off contact with him? i know this is a hard time in his life, but obviously there isn't anything i can do to help, i have tried. i really want him back, any input would be appreciated.
Author onemorespin Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 and i should also say, he says all the time he is confused and doesn't know what he wants from day to day. this isn't the first time he has broken up with me--he has done it a couple of other times when he was dealing with a lot of stress. he is almost 29, but immature in dealing with stress. he has told me before that he is scared to get married and it seems that every time we get close to making that step he backs out. do you think he will ever get over this or his confusion? i know he loves me but i also know that due to some past experiences getting married is a huge step for him and i am not sure he will get over his fear of it.
your star Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 hi there, did we date the same guy? my ex said and did the exact same things as you! in fact one of the reasons he said he let me go was so he can better his life and future... he felt like at his age he wasnt where he wanted to be with his career and stuff....and he will be 29 in a few mths also im really sorry youre going through this. I found that when I tried to be there for my ex, he pushed me away. he got more and more distant after awhile, so i gave up. your best bet is to give him some space to figure things out on his own.. I'm sure he knows that you care about him deeply. i know it's hard because you will feel like if he doesnt contact you that he is forgetting you. you have to trust that if he wants to work things out with you and have you in his future, he will tell you so. hang in there..
Author onemorespin Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 yeah, he said he feels like he has nothing to offer and wants to be able to take care of me. he has had some financial troubles lately so...it is so hard though! i love him and don't care about all of that, but i guess guys do. it is so hard to hear someone say that they love you and can't be with you. and all of the back and forth lately has made it difficult too, because i don't know what he is thinking. i guess you are right though, if he wants to be with me i will know it. this past week has been really good with him, but he hasn't asked me back so i guess it isn't enough. are you in contact with your ex? i am thinking i need to go nc so that he can really miss me. i think i have been too available.
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 When someone blows hot and cold like that, there's nothing you can do to help them or make it better. Back off completely. Tell him that when he makes a firm decision to renew an exclusive relationship, he can contact you and the two of you can discuss this a little more, with no guarantees. If you remain the object of his rubberbanding, he'll continue doing it because it's an opportunity to keep you around while he potentially pursues other options. Myself personally, I would have backed off permanently but that's not really conducive to anything possible for the future.
frd150 Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Be careful. This can go on for a long long time . In my situation there is no more groveling or neediness. She now calls alot but she has not made any move towards fixing us. Oh and shes real sweet. For now switch the focus to you,use this as a learning experience and better yourself. You know what? In a strange way im thankful for it because had it not happened I would be the same person. Just be busy when he calls.
Author onemorespin Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 thanks for the responses! so, i guess it is time for no contact. i know he will email me next week from work; should i ignore all contact from him, or just respond every now and then with short friendly messages? i don't want to shut the door on him and a possible future with him, but i do NOT want him to think he can come and go as he pleases and have me when he wants either. i want this cycle to end once and for all, either with a future with him or with me moving on.
your star Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 yeah, he said he feels like he has nothing to offer and wants to be able to take care of me. he has had some financial troubles lately so...it is so hard though! i love him and don't care about all of that, but i guess guys do. it is so hard to hear someone say that they love you and can't be with you. and all of the back and forth lately has made it difficult too, because i don't know what he is thinking. i guess you are right though, if he wants to be with me i will know it. this past week has been really good with him, but he hasn't asked me back so i guess it isn't enough. are you in contact with your ex? i am thinking i need to go nc so that he can really miss me. i think i have been too available. i was in contact with him up until a few days after New years. but i just couldnt do it anymore. we were together for 6 1/2 years. in fact monday would of been our 7th anniversary. I found that talking to him and seeing him was making me feel worse than I already felt. Even when we had friendly casual convos. I always felt an ache in my heart. Plus, I do think they get comfortable thinking that we will always be there. so i cut all my contact with him to make him see how life would really be like without me. i know that i tried my best and put my cards on the table. if he wants me, then come get me. and you seem to have put yourself through a lot and you deserve the same. you shouldnt have to chase love...
marlena Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 This blowing cold and hot is the worst thing that can happen to you. It is a huge warning sign that this man is slowly but definitely slipping away from the relationship. And he is doing it in the most selfish and immature way. He is hot when he wants to be and cold when he wants to be. How very convenient for him, isn't it? By doing this hot/cold torture thing, he has all bases covered. He can walk away permanently when he feels like it or stay temporarily when he feels like it. If you enable him to walk in and out of your life whenever he gets the whim, he will continually do so for as long as you allow it. By breaking his commitment to you, he is also telling you that you are both not exclusive. This means he probably has his eyes wide open for other possibilities in the dating pool. Should he become interested in someone else, he will have absolutely no reservations about dumping you like a hot potato while saying but you had broken up so he was free to date whoever he chose to date. I always tell young girls to NEVER EVER settle for this type of behaviour from any man. Tell him, you will not be played anymore. He either commits or show him the door. a man with true character would never treat a lady this way. Sorry but this is the way I see it. Marlena
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