For those who had affair, why?

[the_dean]

Hi All,

 

I thought it would be beneficial to start a thread for those who have/had an EA, PA, or both.

 

I have stated my reason in very long discussion but here is the short summary in order to get this thread going:

 

1. Wife doesnt pay any attention to me outside of the 4 of us as family together.

 

2. Virtually no sex and sexual interests for my wife at all.

 

3. My wife not keeping the three requests we mad of each other while I did. This came from a MC.

 

4. Stress. I am not saying stress alone causes an affair but combined with the above and not getting relief is not pleasant.

 

What about you guys? Was it about how the person looked, how they treated you, had more common intersts, etc?

 

Dean

[the_dean]

I am bumping my own topic. Surely we have a common pattern here of why people cheat.

 

I do believe there are scenarios where people subconsciouly want to be caught either to end their miserable marriage or a desparate need for the attention they crave from their spouse.

 

I will contend it is self-destructive way to push the issue.

[Sierra Sunrise]

For me it was a lot of different things, except I'm very different, now I'm a reformed habitual cheater. Here are the reasons for me:

 

1. Husband was about as romantic as a snake.

 

2. Husband made financial decisions and decisions in general that he did not consult me on. I felt invalid in the relationship.

 

3. Sex with my husband was like sleeping with a cold stone. I cringed a lot.

 

4. Husband paid very little attention to me outside of his sportspaper, ps2 sports games, or back when we were first together n64 sports games. Or sports on tv.

 

5. We got into a big huge car wreck and my husband got a nice settlement in which he gave his mother 4k and you know what I got? a very very very small itty bitty basket with two flowers in it. Know what I got him out of my settlement? New glasses/contacts, brand new clothes, and a down payment on a brand new car.

 

6. Lack of communication. He was very non approachable and didn't like to talk a lot about the things I wanted to speak about but I was expected to listen to him go on and on about who was being traded to what team and all the other crap. Which I was always taught that's what a good wife does.

 

So I felt taken advantage of and not appreciated so I sought it elsewhere. I had many many many affairs and let me tell you they drain you dry. I actually had some that I didn't personally get caught up into but the other person did and it was sticky situations. I am reformed now and we're still in counseling and all these issues we've smoothed out but all of them are 100% completely true. I own my parts in the affairs 100%. I shouldn't have done that but if you ask my husband now he'll say while he hurt and he was angry that it opened his eyes to a lot of things and helped us to be where we are today.

 

Also I'd like to add here too that children are very hard on a marriage as well. Lots of times you lose your own identity trying to be everything all at once. I would not trade my children for the world. I love them dearly. However I think you should be taught and or learn how to not lose yourself and keep a good solid passionate love affair with your husband and be the mother your children need. Losing oneself and identity can cause a lot of issues. So there you have it. My story.

[marriedandsad]

Mine wasn't sexual...it was emotional and started to turn physical but I ended it and requested NC 2 days ago.

 

Reasons I did what I did:

1- I was being selfish

2- I was hurt by a lot of stuff that had happened in the past

3- My husband had kept bailing on me emotionally whenever I needed him the most.

4- I was being weak and stupid

5- I was drunk and lowered my guard and didn't even think about what the hell I was doing.

[Curmudgeon]

Mine wasn't sexual...it was emotional and started to turn physical but I ended it and requested NC 2 days ago.

 

Reasons I did what I did:

1- I was being selfish

2- I was hurt by a lot of stuff that had happened in the past

3- My husband had kept bailing on me emotionally whenever I needed him the most.

4- I was being weak and stupid

5- I was drunk and lowered my guard and didn't even think about what the hell I was doing.

 

 

#4 resonates. I wish more people would be that honest. There would likely be fewer affairs if they were.

[the_dean]

I agree about #4 very much. However, I will say that #4 leads to #5. When I had an EA, a great deal of details came out when we went out and had a few drinks.

 

Alcohol does lower inhibitions but it also sometimes is used more as an excuse than anything else.

 

I personally can tell you that I told the OW a lot of things I could have restrained from saying after just 1 drink. It wasnt the alcohol. I was just using the alcohol as an excuse to tell her things that should have only been between me and my wife.

 

Dean

[LadyDi]

I don't really have any excuses as to why I cheated. I think for me, its a character flaw? My Dad was a serial cheater, you'd think after seeing the effect it had on my Mom I wouldn't, but I do. Strange.

 

I tend toward men I work with or for. I also seem to be attracted to men who take care of me. I am in a field with mostly men and I have to hold my own daily, and at least appear to be a very strong woman. Then I take care of everything and everybody at home. My H doesn't really take control and handle things, he prefers to ask me what to do, and rarely (or it seems) does he just do anything on his own. Drives me nuts. I don't want to be consulted on every little thing!! Just do something and handle it!

 

So I guess I'm attracted to strong men who kind of take charge, gives me a break it seems from my reality. Like I said, not a good reason for cheating, but it's what I've figured out over the years. And yes, I've told H numerous times to handle stuff, that I can't do it all, but it doesn't help. He is what he is.

[eeyore1980]

I have to laugh at the irony of all this.

 

Reasons to cheat in my marriage.

 

1. Husband has bailed on me emotionally repeatedly throughout our marriage. 2 dramatic instances would be the murder of my 18 year old daughter from a previous relationship, and years before that when I miscarried our baby.

 

2. H has lied to me about all kinds of things through the entirety of our marriage, mostly to get his own way.

 

3. H put me through hell over sex, after the birth of my 4th, and his 3rd child, I worked very hard to put our sex life back together, he refused to budge from his position and compromise at all. Nothing was ever good enough for him. His way, or no way.

 

4. I have rarely if ever been put first. Sometimes I don't feel like I have even been looked at by him as a real human being.

 

5. I have sacrificed some pretty serious stuff I wanted in order to support my husband and what he wanted. I can't think of anything he has ever sacrificed for me.

 

I'm not in here as someone who cheated. I'm in here as a betrayed spouse, from at the very least an emotional affair, I don't know what the hell went on. He said he got involved with OW because he didn't feel like I cared about him anymore.

 

I chose to post on this thread because I have my integrity, I have my honor, I am actually a pretty honest person, and have a hard time understanding how someone can lie, especially over something like this, and feel little to no guilt. So I can be here on the high road, I never cheated, not once in 23 years, yet, I am the one suffering the majority of the pain, I am the one sick to my stomach all the time, I am the one who can't sleep without a xanax followed with a shot of Nyquil.

I am really having to rethink my whole life, my nature, my sense of right and wrong. Is my conscious clear? Yes, but at the end of the day, what does that mean? Nothing. Every time in the past an opportunity was dropped in my lap to cheat on my husband, and there were a lot, I turned my back and walked away from it, and I get no comfort in that at all. I suppose I could feel all superior and look down on my husband for what he did and what he has done in the past, but I don't work that way, I get nothing from that.

All the posts I have read in here, people doing the right thing and people doing the wrong thing, it seems to me the people who did wrong are a lot better off in the end than the people who did right. I think I would have an easier time bearing the guilt of cheating on him than I am suffering the hurt of him cheating on me.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Only had an EA, but here are my reasons;

 

1. Husband would not go with me to MC

2. Husband denied that we were having difficulties and would not talk about our problems.

3. I became emotionally starved

4. Became addicted to attention from others

5. Wanted happiness and laughter back in my life

6. Want intimacy and want to kiss someone for 5 days straight (a wish).

[cj1988]

Only had an EA, but here are my reasons;

 

1. Husband would not go with me to MC

2. Husband denied that we were having difficulties and would not talk about our problems.

3. I became emotionally starved

4. Became addicted to attention from others

5. Wanted happiness and laughter back in my life

6. Want intimacy and want to kiss someone for 5 days straight (a wish).

 

 

I am with you on the kissing, I think I miss that the most !

[Mz. Pixie]

Only had an EA, but here are my reasons;

 

1. Husband would not go with me to MC

2. Husband denied that we were having difficulties and would not talk about our problems.

3. I became emotionally starved

4. Became addicted to attention from others

5. Wanted happiness and laughter back in my life

6. Want intimacy and want to kiss someone for 5 days straight (a wish).

 

I can relate to this except #4

 

Husband refused to work on our marriage.

 

Husband spent almost every weekend away from home pursuing his hobbies.

 

Husband talked nicer to his friends and customers than he did me.

 

Dramatic events in my life for the three years leading up to the affair- such as financial problems, the death of my two closest relatives, and a hysterectomy.

 

I was point blank selfish and felt justified in my actions due to the resentment I'd built up against my husband.

 

I got tired of being the only one working on the marriage.

[juliegeraci]

My affair was falling in love with one of my closest male friends. I have a great husband. Yes, sex was part of the problem. In order to save the marriage I had to break things off with my friend which was the most difficult part. I continue to work on my marriage now. So that is it in a nutshell.

[the_dean]

I think #4 is probably the key for me also. I didnt get any sex and very little attention from my wife (unless she wanted me to do something).

 

After years of getting very little attention from your spouse, #4 makes it very tempting to spend time with someone who gives you positive attention.

 

I think the biggest issue in my case is "LACK OF CONNECTION" Even when I talked with my wife in the last 5 years, I feel like we are on completely different wave lengths and are not coming from the same place.

 

Wrong or not, I can tell you it is very comforting to find someone outside of your marraige that you can "connect with" after many years of feeling like you live with an alien being whom you dont understand.

 

Dean

[johnny47]

Hi All,

 

I thought it would be beneficial to start a thread for those who have/had an EA, PA, or both.

 

 

Dean

 

Dean this is a great post...wonderful....the best posting yet on any similar site. Congratulations !

 

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