BrianG Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 (edited) Hey Everybody, exgf broke up with me 3 months ago (together 5 yrs). Calls me out of the blue to see if I wanted a diamond ring that I bought her a few years ago back so I could sell it because I am currently unemployed at the moment. She says that its her favorite piece of jewelry, but it hurts to wear it because it brings up bad memories (she broke up with me). That ring means the world to me. I bought that ring at a time when i was in school and barely making any money and took me 6 months of work to save up for. I have been having a really hard time with this break-up and she calls me 3 months later about the ring. I tell her that it was a present to her and she can do whatever she wants with it because its hers. She calls me stubborn that I wont take it because i need to the money. I reiterated that it was hers and she can do with it whatever she wants and if it means selling it so be it. Anyways, later on in the conversations she tells me that she loves me and misses me, but does not love me like that anymore. She hopes that we can be friends and I told her that I couldn't be just friends because I wanted her to be my wife and spend the rest of my life with her and I could not just be a "buddy" to her. Was I wrong for not saying that I could be friends with her? When she broke up with me she had said the only way we would get back together is if we were friends first and possibly something developed from that. I would love for this to be possible but I think a friendship would just be torture and stringing me along with the possibility of something more eventually coming out of it, but I love her so much. I am just devastated right now, I am depressed and already having a really hard time trying to let go of her and move on and she calls me about selling a ring that means so much to me and her in the relationship. Feels like another dagger has already been jammed in my heart. Come on! why would she call me 3 months later after the breakup, what kind of sh*t is that. My 30th birthday is coming up and just depressed about and not having her there and she calls about a ring to hurt me even more or to check up on me I dont know. Is it immature of me to say I couldn't be friends with her. Why would she call 3 months later about the ring? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH just feel like going outside and screaming. Being in love with someone that wants nothign to do with you sucks!!!!!!!!!! Edited January 18, 2008 by BrianG
Confused9 Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 You need to do what's right for you. Take her out of the equation. If NC will help you move on...then do it. Don't let her influence your choice in the matter. She let you go in that way...she needs to understand if you need time to 'be friends'. I kind of find it fishy that she called you about the ring and said she loves you and misses you but doesn't love you that way anymore. It's very confusing. Seems almost like she was trying to feel you out? I don't know though...it could just be what she said. I guess I am a hopeless romantic. Just take care of yourself. Find peace within you. She isn't necesarily the missing piece of your happiness...it just feels like that right now. (trust me I understand that, completely.)
Author BrianG Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Thanks Confused, yeah it sounded fishy to me as well, but I only have to go off her words that she does not love me like that anymore. Just wondering why she would call 3 months later to ask about the ring. NC is hard, she calls with something like that and it peaks my interest as an excuse to talk to me, i dont know. It brought me back a few steps, I dont want to ignore her, but I guess i just have to keep it short and sweet if she ever contacts me again. At the end of the conversation I said goodbye because i know in my heart that I will not be able to be just her friend even after I eventually move on and let go one of these days (how much I wish for that day if i ever do). now she has me wondering if she will wish me happy bday because she knows its a big one for me (30) and I dont even care. If she wishes me a happy bday should I just ignore it? or just reply with a simple thanks. I have to find happiness in myself because I am having a hard time without her by my side.
Always Wrong Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 No Brian, you weren't wrong for not wanting to be friends. Some people can do that, some people can't. I for one, cannot. I knew a girl who collected boyfriends like they were a charm bracelet! She would go with a new guy every year! Get the christmas presents, and break up before New Years! Then call all the previous "Friends" and party in the New Year at one of the local clubs, get drunk and pick up one of the new guys that came to the club with her previous "Friends"! They're all connected! Then she'd coax the ex into being friends and add another name to her party list! What a slut! I'm not saying your's is like that at all, but some people can do that and others can't. I'm with you bro, I can't do that.
Author BrianG Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 thanks everybody for responding so far. Any females out there have any clue why she would call me 3 months later about the ring? Could use some female insight on the matter. Do i also ignore any bday text or the like?
Confused9 Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I say ignore the text...get her thinking you have moved on and see what happens. That's what a lot of folks here at LS have said to me.
norajane Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 thanks everybody for responding so far. Any females out there have any clue why she would call me 3 months later about the ring? Could use some female insight on the matter. Do i also ignore any bday text or the like? She heard you were unemployed, she doesn't want the ring because the relationship is over, so she figured she would be nice and offer it to you so you could have the money. If she texts you happy birthday, say thanks and leave it at that. Look, she knows how you feel. If she wanted to get back together with you, she would say so. She hasn't said so. So you have to take what she says at face value - she wanted to give the ring back because she thought you could use the money.
cant let go Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 my thoughts on the ring are this: she probably doesn't want to wear it because what it represents is not how she feels about you anymore. she would probably feel better if you took it and got some money out of it. i'm speaking from a similiar situation with an ex that i broke up with in the past...not my current ex. it was a diamond heart pendant on a chain and not a ring. i used to wear the necklace everyday and after i broke it off with him, i didn't really want to wear it because it was one of those three stone ones (past, present, and future) and i didn't feel what it represented when he gave it to me. I asked him if he wanted to take it back and he wouldn't. at some point i started wearing it again...but when i met my recent ex i stopped wearing it. i still have the necklace and i will never wear it again. i'm not really sure what to do with it though.
eightvalve Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 When my ex gf and i broke up, the majority of my coworkers and friends recommended that i cut off all contact with her, cold turkey. So i did. She called a months or so later, texts me happy birthday messages 6 months later, etc. yet i maintained a no response policy. It has benefits and problems. It helped me through the early stages to have a strict rule not to contact and try anything dumb to reconnect when i felt like i wanted her back. The downside is that I still have alot of things unsaid and unresolved about her, that may sometimes come up and bother me. As far as your situation, if your desperate, take the ring, pawn the ting, and move on. If you don't want back with her, then don't subject yourself to what she is telling you now. All it will do is confuse you and bring back painful memories. If the relationship is done, her telling you she loves you but not like "that" isn't going to make your days any easier to get through.
Author BrianG Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 my thoughts on the ring are this: she probably doesn't want to wear it because what it represents is not how she feels about you anymore. she would probably feel better if you took it and got some money out of it. i'm speaking from a similiar situation with an ex that i broke up with in the past...not my current ex. it was a diamond heart pendant on a chain and not a ring. i used to wear the necklace everyday and after i broke it off with him, i didn't really want to wear it because it was one of those three stone ones (past, present, and future) and i didn't feel what it represented when he gave it to me. I asked him if he wanted to take it back and he wouldn't. at some point i started wearing it again...but when i met my recent ex i stopped wearing it. i still have the necklace and i will never wear it again. i'm not really sure what to do with it though. why would she call me about the ring after breaking up with me 3 months ago? was it to check up on me? So many questions, but she does not love me like that anymore. I guess i probably shouldn't care anymore, but i do. She basically ripped off the scab. It felt so good to hear her voice though, geez im pathetic.
sumdude Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 why would she call me about the ring after breaking up with me 3 months ago? was it to check up on me? So many questions, but she does not love me like that anymore. I guess i probably shouldn't care anymore, but i do. She basically ripped off the scab. It felt so good to hear her voice though, geez im pathetic. Who knows why, try not to read her mind. That will only make you crazy. This is exactly why NC is so important. It sends you right back to the early breakup pain again. As far as the ring... even if you get it diamonds are hard to sell.. at least to get back what you paid for it. When my wife left I asked for the engagement ring back and got it. Been up for sale 8 months.. no luck. Unless I want to sell it wholesale and lose 50%... which I probably will soon enough. Chin up man... she was probably thinking about you, between men , got a response.. realizes she still has a hold on you in some way and now feels better about herself. Gotta let it go ...
CalamitousJane Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 why would she call me about the ring after breaking up with me 3 months ago? was it to check up on me? So many questions, but she does not love me like that anymore. I guess i probably shouldn't care anymore, but i do. She basically ripped off the scab. It felt so good to hear her voice though, geez im pathetic. No you're not pathetic at all. You really like her, and what she's doing doesn't make sense. Therefore it makes you crazy with that "in-love" feeling. That's what that most people don't get. There are two pieces. Love is a wonderful warm, taking-care-of-each-other connected feeling. "In-love" is the feeling you get when you're first together, when the relationship is one big, exciting unknown. "In-love" is like a whole heap of unwrapped presents. "Love" is the content feeling you get if the presents happen to be really nice and thoughtful. To bring back the "in love" you need to change some pieces of yourself and wrap them up all shiny, so she'll feel like finding out what's in the box. When she says she's "not in love" you need to understand that that's not a permanent state. If someone says he or she is not "in love" with you, what they mean is that they are not going crazy with excitement and confusion about you. When a person leaves you, it makes you crazy with confusion, and you feel extra "in love", on top of whatever wonderful comfortable love and connection you built together. So the trick is to create some "in love" for her, without sacrificing any of the trust and affection you have for each other. It sounds tricky, but actually it's simple. Follow your instincts, be warm and kind toward her, but at the same time create an exciting life for yourself. Meet new people, do things and go places you've never gone before, channel some of that "in love" feeling into something besides her. You don't need to tell her about it, just make it be true. Find other people and things to be excited about. She will feel that, and some of the mystery and excitement will come back, and so will that "in love" feeling. I think the NC thing is good because it can help you break your addiction and get into this state. It's working wonders with my ex - he's calling almost every day now, right when it's starting to not matter so much anymore. Finding people to flirt with helps a lot, it can make you feel like there's a whole world of possibilities out there.
CalamitousJane Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Before I went off on that tangent, I meant to say that by asking you about the ring she is showing you that she still has the feeling of "love" for you, which is expressed by her desire to connect with you and her concern for your welfare. That is the part that's permanent and important - she's a caring person, and she cares about you. Show her you care about her too. But keep her curious at the same time.
Author BrianG Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 CJane, how do you suggest I make her curious? I want to be honest with her, just curious how I go about it and could use some pointers. Thats if we ever talk again. I said goodbye at the end of the conversation and I will never contact her again so it has to be up to her to contact me, which may or may never happen. Still debating the friendship thing, but I dont think I could do it. I more than just like her, I love this girl and the love of my life so its hard to go NC when she contacts me. This now has me wondering if she will contact me on my 30th bday. If she does i probably should just thanks and leave it at that. The ball is completely in her court. Gotta just play it cool i guess and use my head more than my heart
CalamitousJane Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Head AND heart I think. Use your head to keep from contacting her - looks like you already have that one figured out. When she does contact you, and I think she will, let your heart lead a little bit. Be wonderfully warm and happy to hear from her. Meanwhile, until you do hear from her, go out and do as much fun, interesting and fulfilling stuff as you possibly can. When she texts you, or whatever, find other things to do for a while before you text her back. Go to a ball game, take a long walk or run, call all your friends, go to the supermarket and flirt with the cutest checker. Heck, you could even pay all your bills, scrub your toilet, and visit some sick orphans. When you call her back you can then honestly say, "Hey, thanks for the message, that was really nice. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, I've been really busy..."
CalamitousJane Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Ask her how she's doing and REALLY listen. Tell her a little bit about what you're been up to, but be vague, then remember something you've got to do and say you'll talk to her later. Do this every time she calls. She will keep calling. And eventually she'll say how much she misses you. I just got that today from my ex. I went NC for nearly a month starting in early November, which let me get my feet on the ground enough to play it very cool, even though my heart is still all tangled up with him. I let other things take precedence over returning his calls and emails, although sometimes it's a huge struggle to not just drop everything for him. It's definitely paying off though. Don't know what will happen, but I do know he's thinking about me a lot.
vivrantflo Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 She heard you were unemployed, she doesn't want the ring because the relationship is over, so she figured she would be nice and offer it to you so you could have the money. If she texts you happy birthday, say thanks and leave it at that. Look, she knows how you feel. If she wanted to get back together with you, she would say so. She hasn't said so. So you have to take what she says at face value - she wanted to give the ring back because she thought you could use the money. OK, forgive me for playing Devil's Advocate, but am I the ONLY person here that thinks this offer is a kick in the balls??? This woman dumped you.. ok.. she left. That means she's out of your life. Why would you accept a ring that you SAVED UP for, and bought for her, to pawn it to get a little cash?? Anyway, I think her offer was a lure.. she wanted a reason to contact you, and that was it. Me personally, I'd have waaay too much pride to take that ring from her. It would just make her feel like she's "lending you a helping hand", thus giving HER an ego boost. She can't be that ignorant and insensitive to offer the ring back, knowing that would hurt. And don't think for one second that she wouldnt know that would hurt you. I'd go NC.. especially after her telling you that she loves you, but isn't "in love" with you. That's just a way to let you down really soft. NC
cant let go Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 to elaborate more on my personal experience with the necklace ex... i did not want a relationship anymore with that ex which is why i broke up with him... did i miss him?, yeah...when you spend everyday with someone you will miss them. did i care how he was doing?, yes. did i still love him?, hard to say...i still cared a lot and wanted him to be happy. any contact i made with him was not to boost my ego by seeing him pine...not to fill a void...not vindictive in any way... i just wanted to hear that he was doing well because i wanted him to be happy even though i didn't want to be in a relationship with him... i think your exs intentions are sincere and not to be misinterpreted as an attempt at reconciliation or worse as an attempt to make you feel bad. it is entirely possible that she doesn't realize that it would make you feel bad. i had no idea that my actions might have hurt my ex when i contacted him just to "catch up". i now know how hard it can be since i am the one in his shoes with my current ex. assume she is sincere and just do what you can to move on.
Author BrianG Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 I tend to agree with viv, she had to know that it would hurt me contacting me about selling the ring, because she knew what it meant to me and our relationship. She knows how i feel about her and that I am upset with the break-up. What made me even more angry was that fact that she called me stubborn for not taking it back. I almost wanted to say do you want me to give you any valuable stuff you gave me so you can sell it because I dont want it or even want to see it, i just have it sitting in box in my closet. It was about a month and change of NC and she calls me just to talk about the ring and tell me she does not love me that way anymore, I guess she met someone else. I know its not any attempt at reconciliation but I do think it was a "checking to see how im doing" kind of call. I guess the almighty NC is the way to go. I guess if she texts on my bday i am not going to respond because it will no illicit a response. So hard saying goodbye and ignoring the person you love and wanted to spend the rest of your life with, but she doesn't feel the same way so I have to eventually move on. Its tough someone disappearing out of your life after 5 years. I really feel for the ls'ers who have spent a significant amount of time with someone and have it all vanish in the blink of an eye. Very difficult to cope with that. Its like grieving the death of someone, but they are only 30 mins away.
oppath Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I tend to agree with viv, she had to know that it would hurt me contacting me about selling the ring, because she knew what it meant to me and our relationship. She knows how i feel about her and that I am upset with the break-up. I disagree. I think she is clueless that it would have hurt you. A lot of people don't understand. Everyone is different. She can't read your mind. Do I feel it was appropriate? Not really. She does care about you, there are things about you she likes that she does not want to part with, etc. What she can't understand is that you are not in a place to have her in your life, and that she has to part with those good qualities she enjoys. I've been in her position and in yours. It's mostly selfish of her, trying to assuage guilt, but she does care. She just does not know how impactful it is to you. That is something she can't know.
vivrantflo Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Oh please.. he didn't buy her cell phone, or a stuffed animal. He bought her a ring. And when a man buys a ring for a woman, it ALWAYS shows great significance.. To have her offer the ring back to pawn it, is like being kicked while you're down. How can she be "clueless" to the pain that would cause?? That's so lame. Dude, you don't NEED her, OR her offers of financial help. I know looking for work is tough, but please keep your balls attached, and tell her to just leave you alone. And if she doesnt want the ring, tell her to throw it out. It's HERS. This is getting me angry just typing about it. I find the whole thing insulting.
PLAYBRAT Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Ok...I agree with Viv too. As a woman I would never be that insensitive. If she wanted to give the ring back she could have done it when you broke up.NOT three months after the fact. Her calling to offer the ring back AND to say she doesn't love you in "that way" anymore....it doesn't add up.Either she is completely heartless, or she IS "fishing". I was engaged in my early twenties...but I called it off.I gave the ring back when we broke up. I have always heard that was the right thing to do. Brian...I am sorry your ex did this to you.It was pretty classless IMO. Adding insult to injury even if it WAS unintentional. I don't think you should respond to her if she contacts you on your b-day. Not out of spite but out of self preservation. It's obvious this is hurting you. I doubt you will feel any differently on your b-day about being "just friends" with her...even though we like to talk ourselves into believing things, especially on certain occasions..like holidays, birthdays, etc...when we are more susceptible to weakness. Just try to enjoy your day as much as possible with friends and family who care about you. Also....personally..it would mean MORE to me if someone called me on a regular day, and not a b-day, because then I would only feel it was an "obligatory" call so THEY don't feel like the bad guy. I don't know..I guess that's just me. I wish you the best though...
cant let go Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 maybe i'm glossing over something...but i'm pretty sure you never said it was an engagement ring. that being the case it is to her equivalent to a pair of earrings or a bracelet or in my case if you read my comments...a pendant necklace. i still stand by her actions being somewhat out of guilt and somewhat out of concern. i also still do not believe she knew that she would upset you to this degree... if it makes you feel better to think that she is just being a vindictive b!tch... go on... but know that those are things you choose to believe and not necessarily backed by any truth.
Author BrianG Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 It wasnt an engagement ring, but something that meant a lot to me in the relationship. I would always kid around with her when she was not wearing it and she knows that it was important to me. She is not a vindictive b*tch and I can never think of her that way because I love her. I am sure some of it was out of concern for me, but i agree with Play that it was a little classless to contact me about 3 months later about it and it opened up some wounds because I seriously doubt that she was clueless about it not hurting me and could have been a "fishing" expedition. She has not contacted me on xmas or nye so i doubt she will contact me on my bday, but i should just ignore it and concern myself with people that care about me and want me in their lives.
norajane Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 When did you become unemployed? If you weren't unemployed when you broke up, and became so later, it makes a lot of sense that she would call later when she heard you were unemployed and might need the money.
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