peace_pipe Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 (edited) I work with this girl, we have been dating a few months. I am not sure why I am posting here, other than the fact that I'd like to rip her head off right now. I don't think I care about this girl, yet I am upset at the stupidity of it all. She has a boyfriend in jail who is getting out in 2 months. He is an illegal immagrant who was caught transporting a fair amount of cocaine. She defends him stating that he was sending money to his family in Mexico. Could he just get a job instead?? We've talked about this situation before and she is really dodgy about it. Also, there is the "sister" situation, which I posted about a while back. Please read some of this for background. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t139032/ We didn't see each other at all last week - for no other reason that we were both pretty busy. I didn't call her much because we had just spent an entire week together AND I needed some "me" time to figure things out. I did try to make plans with her last Saturday evening. We were going to have dinner but she never called until she was good and ready. When she finally called at 8pm I had already made other plans. I could tell she was a little upset, but I'm not some loser sitting around waiting on her, at her convenience. She then called me at 3 AM, drunk of her a##. I didn't talk to her long, I was tired, told her I was in bed and goodnight. She calle dthe next day to apologize... I accepted. Several days go by after this with no contact. She finally calls me Wednesday and suggests that we meet up. As the conversation progresses, she casually includes her sister in the plans. I told her that I thought she would want to hang out alone, since we haven't seen each other in a week. I told her that I didn't feel like company (she lives with her Mom, I have my own place). She got real defensive, claiming I am self centered and the like. I told her I spent the last 10 years of my life putting women first and that i wasn;t doing it anymore. The most important person to me is ME.... i told her this and she hung up. No communication for 2 more days. I began to feel uneasy about her still having my key. I called and left her a message asking to return it. She calls back several hours later and we attempt to talk. here were the points: 1) I told her I wasn't happy about her boyfriend situation and she needs to make a stand. 2) I told her that her sister is just not my kind of friend and that I don't need a guilt trip every time I decline her visiting MY HOUSE. 3) She claims she still talks to the jailbird... and that he does not know about us. 4) She claims she thought I was "something I am not" (this means to me that the pressures of her high school drama are coming out and blames it on me) 5) She claims she is too busy for a face to face this weekend and that she'd call me next week. 6) I told her I was too busy for a call next week. Keep in mind that she has off work the entire month of January. She's also on break from school...... I took a bag of her stuff and returned it to her in a notable location - in her Mom's yard. Kind of childish but damn it felt good What a bunch of crap guys!! I think I am more upset with the fact that this is reminscent of every girl I've dated in the last 3 years. Labotomy, please? Edited January 18, 2008 by peace_pipe
fishtaco Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Why are you dating a chick with a boyfriend? Women like that are good for one thing only - sex. Get it, and leave. Don't get all involved. And she has the key to your place? What where you thinking? Wait till the cocaine smuggling boyfriend finds out, uses the key to break into your place, and stabs you with something sharp. Change the lock, and break it off. If this is the only type of relationships you've had in the past 3 years, I suggest a good therapist as well. You obviously like drama and self destruction.
StartingOver07 Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Yikes. Can I ask: What's in this for you? Besides, I thought you had broken up with her weeks ago, when the "sister" thing came to a head...???
Author peace_pipe Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 (edited) Yikes. Can I ask: What's in this for you? Besides, I thought you had broken up with her weeks ago, when the "sister" thing came to a head...??? You guys are right, I must be a glutton for punishment. I don't enjoy drama at all - sometimes you have to take a chance and it seems everytime I do I find I am dating a female loser. That's what hurts them most... you get your hopes up a little...thinking this one is different, and it turns out you are just naive. Edited January 18, 2008 by peace_pipe
fishtaco Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 You guys are right, I must be a glutton for punishment. I don't enjoy drama at all - sometimes you have to take a chance and it seems everytime I do I find I am dating a female loser. That's what hurts them most... you get your hopes up a little...thinking this one is different, and it turns out you are just naive. No, that's the thing. There are so many women out there to chose from, you don't need to take chances. Watch of warning signs, and run away at the very first whiff of it. Seriously, it takes way less energy to hook up with someone new then to muck with a jacked up chick.
Author peace_pipe Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Thanks for your advice... Seriously, it takes way less energy to hook up with someone new then to muck with a jacked up chick. I couldn't agree more. No, that's the thing. There are so many women out there to chose from, you don't need to take chances. Watch of warning signs, and run away at the very first whiff of it. I don't know about this one. If I recall, 99% of the girls that show interest in me have this sort of drama. I feel like if I were to run at the first sign of trouble, I'll be single a long, long time. Now, I am not saying I am the greatest catch.... but I have a good job, no attachments, no criminal record. In short, I am ready to go... I've searched for a woman who is "ready to go" for years, they don't exist. Well, I did find one a long time ago, but we were much too young to understand what we had....
underpants Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Thanks for your advice... I couldn't agree more. I don't know about this one. If I recall, 99% of the girls that show interest in me have this sort of drama. I feel like if I were to run at the first sign of trouble, I'll be single a long, long time. Now, I am not saying I am the greatest catch.... but I have a good job, no attachments, no criminal record. In short, I am ready to go... I've searched for a woman who is "ready to go" for years, they don't exist. Well, I did find one a long time ago, but we were much too young to understand what we had.... Peace, This particuliar girl sounds like she is still hung up on her ex that is getting out of jail in a couple of months. That and whatever that drama is with her sister. She just does not sound (sorry) like she values your relationship as much as you would like. I don't think you can change the dynamic that work between you and her, especially if she is content with how things are. What you can do is change your outlook and actions on the matter. If you attract 99% of drama filled relationships then I ask...why? Look at your history and figure out some possible contributions you might be adding to the problem. Is there a part of your personality that wants to 'rescue' or 'help' out ladies? That is not a bad thing, however, it can get a guy used and tossed if he is not discerning about who he selects.
Author peace_pipe Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 If you attract 99% of drama filled relationships then I ask...why? Look at your history and figure out some possible contributions you might be adding to the problem. Is there a part of your personality that wants to 'rescue' or 'help' out ladies? That is not a bad thing, however, it can get a guy used and tossed if he is not discerning about who he selects. Underpants... first off... nice handle. On a more serious note, thank you for the candid response. I honestly HAVE considered the past. Maybe too much. I have thought about what I could change, if anything. I'm fairly scientific minded, and I compiled a list of my findings. 1) I seek out those who I have an attraction with and respond well to me. 2) The sources of "drama" are causes that are out of my control. (Bad choice of friends, ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, drug problem, self esteem issues, cheating). I've dated over 30 women in the past 5 to 10 years. All but one fell into this category. 3) I am a fairly tolerant person and usually give girls a chance if the are cute and can have good conversation. 4) I am "ready to go". Meaning little baggage, stable, already sowed my wil oats, ready to find something meaningful. Now, when I really consider these things, the one thing I observe is that I don't go looking for a spefic "type" of girl, either consciously or subconscioulsy. I've dated girls from all walks of life, various ethnicities, and various levels of education. I understand what you say about the "rescue" syndrome. From where I am standing, it would seem nearly every "desirable" woman has manifested at least one of the major issues in item #2. And when I say "desirable", I don't mean some misconstrued concept. I simply go by initial attraction and communication. Please don't misconstrue the physical attraction I speak of... I'll take a "cutie" over a bombshell anyday. These things make me think of a never ending cycle of pain, one with no cure. In summary: I do not wish to control things beyond my control, thus resulting in me hastily sabotaging the romance.
Author peace_pipe Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 (edited) Another thing is, sometimes I feel like I don't understand other people, especially girls. For instance, I understand loving your family. However, I do not understand having family members around ALL THE TIME. My family loves each other, however, we have all became invested in our own lives, and have our own residences. When i don;t see my girl for over a week, i don't invite my brother along. One other thing is women's infatuation with men who are total losers. I don't understand how women have this uncanny ability to overlook the fact that a man is a convicted felon, a drug dealer, or an abuser. I just don't get it. Don't those things tell all about character? Isn't character what is important? I've hears some crazy things over the years... the latest one was this: "It didn't bother me that my ex is a cocaine dealer, because he sent his proceeds to his family in Mexico. Money is money." Umm, couldn't he just get a job?? Edited January 21, 2008 by peace_pipe
underpants Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Underpants... first off... nice handle. Thanks On a more serious note, thank you for the candid response. I honestly HAVE considered the past. Maybe too much. I have thought about what I could change, if anything. I'm fairly scientific minded, and I compiled a list of my findings. 1) I seek out those who I have an attraction with and respond well to me. Sounds good. 2) The sources of "drama" are causes that are out of my control. (Bad choice of friends, ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, drug problem, self esteem issues, cheating). I've dated over 30 women in the past 5 to 10 years. All but one fell into this category. Out of your control??? You can control a decision to embark on a relationship with someone who currently has a boyfriend, a drug addiction, a history of cheating, an ex that is still in their lives and has an emotional effect on them. I will tell you that most people have some self esteem issues. It is how you deal with it that indicates a strong or weak character. Do you tend to get into a relationship only to find out this stuff too late? That could be something you could change. Maybe a friends first approach to relationships? If you find out something that you realize is unheathy for you to involve yourself in then you can back out. 3) I am a fairly tolerant person and usually give girls a chance if the are cute and can have good conversation. Sounds good 4) I am "ready to go". Meaning little baggage, stable, already sowed my wil oats, ready to find something meaningful. Sounds good Now, when I really consider these things, the one thing I observe is that I don't go looking for a spefic "type" of girl, either consciously or subconscioulsy. I've dated girls from all walks of life, various ethnicities, and various levels of education. Sounds good. Yet with all that diversity you are still drawn to the most 'damaged' or 'possible drama' canidates. Why? Hmmm. I understand what you say about the "rescue" syndrome. From where I am standing, it would seem nearly every "desirable" woman has manifested at least one of the major issues in item #2. And when I say "desirable", I don't mean some misconstrued concept. I simply go by initial attraction and communication. Please don't misconstrue the physical attraction I speak of... I'll take a "cutie" over a bombshell anyday. These things make me think of a never ending cycle of pain, one with no cure. In summary: I do not wish to control things beyond my control, thus resulting in me hastily sabotaging the romance. Sabatoge. I know all about this. There are many ways to sabatoge a romance. If you unconsciously are attracted to someone that you know on some level will hurt you and make a relationship impossible, that is a twisted and self serving type of sabatoge. It feeds a theory that you are not good enough and by choosing unstable partners you fulfill this 'silly' thought. If you can identify how you contribute to a pattern, then you can work on changing that in yourself and then you may find that all of a sudden a great person appears and you are worthy of it. Another thing is, sometimes I feel like I don't understand other people, especially girls. Welcome to the club. For instance, I understand loving your family. However, I do not understand having family members around ALL THE TIME. My family loves each other, however, we have all became invested in our own lives, and have our own residences. When i don;t see my girl for over a week, i don't invite my brother along. Some people just roll like that. If it is not your bag then you don't have to change that. Now, this is about that particuliar girl. The problems I see there are: a...she had a boyfriend when you met. That is huge. b...you probably had a glimpse into the family thing early on and chose not to let it be a dealbreaker then. One other thing is women's infatuation with men who are total losers. I don't understand how women have this uncanny ability to overlook the fact that a man is a convicted felon, a drug dealer, or an abuser. I just don't get it. Don't those things tell all about character? Isn't character what is important? Not all women want a guy with those traits. I would even bet that only a minority of insecure, co-dependent types seek out and keep up a relationship with the above. You can't save her. She will have to save herself. You sound together and introspective. Seek the same in a partner.
jcster Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 This jumped out at me as I read your post: If I recall, 99% of the girls that show interest in me have this sort of drama. I feel like if I were to run at the first sign of trouble, I'll be single a long, long time. 1) I seek out those who I have an attraction with and respond well to me. 2) The sources of "drama" are causes that are out of my control. (Bad choice of friends, ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, drug problem, self esteem issues, cheating). I've dated over 30 women in the past 5 to 10 years. All but one fell into this category. 3) I am a fairly tolerant person and usually give girls a chance if the are cute and can have good conversation. What I'm hearing here is that you will go out with pretty much anyone that you find attractive and feel some sort of connection with (communication...etc). I did the same thing for many years, and dated a succession of extremely messed up men, until I finally married one. After my marriage ended, I picked up right where I left off, and finally realized that I needed to spend some serious time alone and figure out just what the heck was going on. I discovered that even if you think that you don't have a "type," you do. It just may not be something that's easy to pick out (such as redheads) but it's there. For me, it was narcissists. They come in many flavors, so it's difficult to figure out right away, but in the end, that was the defining characteristic of all of them. What's the solution? Figure out what the common thread between all of these screwed up women has been - is it drama? Is it control? Learn that, and learn to spend time getting to know women before committing to them emotionally. Finally, learn to trust your gut. Does something seem fishy? (like the boyfriend in prison - hint, hint) If so, respect your instincts and stay away. It's far better to be alone than to deal with this type of re-occuring trauma. Trust me.
Author peace_pipe Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 I did the same thing for many years, and dated a succession of extremely messed up men, until I finally married one. After my marriage ended, I picked up right where I left off, and finally realized that I needed to spend some serious time alone and figure out just what the heck was going on. I discovered that even if you think that you don't have a "type," you do. It just may not be something that's easy to pick out (such as redheads) but it's there. For me, it was narcissists. They come in many flavors, so it's difficult to figure out right away, but in the end, that was the defining characteristic of all of them. Hey, thanks for your post. I have been in kind of a blah mood lately and your perspective helps. I don’t want to go off on a tangent here, but I’ve seen the word “narcissist” used many times lately. Is this word used too hastily?? I mean, what person does not love themselves? I’d have to say that I don’t know ANY people that ONLY care about themselves, so I have my doubts. It seems like a word someone would use to take the blame away from them. So, if I don’t want to deal with ex-boyfriend drama or other unnecessary problems, does that make me a narcissist? After all, I told this girl – “The most important person to me is ME.” And I mean ever word of it. Kind of like the word “stalker” that some females use so loosely. I don’t know any of those either, but apparently there are plenty out there! Just curious....
Author peace_pipe Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 It's far better to be alone than to deal with this type of re-occuring trauma. Trust me. I understand what you are saying here. I agree, but sometimes after you make such a decision you tend to second guess yourself. Usually happens about 1 AM, when you are alone[FONT=Wingdings]L[/FONT] The upsetting thing is that I don’t see this pattern changing. I just don’t see how or why this approach is wrong. I would think I’m bound to meet some that are not on my level, but surely I could find ONE out of the 30+ I have dated since my ex 5 years ago.
jcster Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 I understand what you are saying here. I agree, but sometimes after you make such a decision you tend to second guess yourself. Usually happens about 1 AM, when you are alone The upsetting thing is that I don’t see this pattern changing. I just don’t see how or why this approach is wrong. I would think I’m bound to meet some that are not on my level, but surely I could find ONE out of the 30+ I have dated since my ex 5 years ago. When you say that you dated over 30 women in the last 5 years - does this mean going out with them once or twice or something more substantial - along the lines of this last girlfriend? This means that you have been dating a new person every couple of months for the last 5 years! I know the numbers would seem to be on your side, but there are billions of people on this planet - it's not a numbers game - I'm pretty darn sure of that. I urge you to spend some time by yourself. Get comfortable with being alone. Find some things that you prefer to do alone. This isn't giving up, it's training. You need to derail that fear of being alone. It's blood in the water for ever nutso on the planet, and it's causing you to ignore your instincts and settle for people that you know are going to be a problem. There are worse things than being alone (dating 30+ people in the last 5 years and having problems with all of them comes to mind). You might simply be having bad luck -it's entirely possible - but you might find that if you can become a little less frantic about the search that you will discover what your faulty pattern is and break it.
Author peace_pipe Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 When you say that you dated over 30 women in the last 5 years - does this mean going out with them once or twice or something more substantial - along the lines of this last girlfriend? This means that you have been dating a new person every couple of months for the last 5 years! Most of those thirty women were 3 dates or less, I would say maybe 5 made it past the beginning stage. I urge you to spend some time by yourself. Get comfortable with being alone. Find some things that you prefer to do alone. This isn't giving up, it's training. You need to derail that fear of being alone. It's blood in the water for ever nutso on the planet, and it's causing you to ignore your instincts and settle for people that you know are going to be a problem. I don't think I have an irrational fear of being alone. Sure, nobody wants to be single forever. How would you come to this conclusion given that I just dumped this girl? I have been doing this, after all I have been single for 5 years. How long does it take? lol
bmrrll07 Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 run as fast as you can! she is only useing you until jailbird is out. maybe you need to spend some time single and find out about you and what you want in life and a relationship. or you will repeat the same mistakes over and over.
Krytie TV Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 It sounds to me like the high school drama will end when you begin dating women that are above a high school mentality. That, sir, is aaallllllll on you.
Author peace_pipe Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 It sounds to me like the high school drama will end when you begin dating women that are above a high school mentality. That, sir, is aaallllllll on you. Agreed. The only problem with this is that you have to spend enough time with them to see if they have a high school mentality. That's how I got where I am right now.
Krytie TV Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 And now you know, so you walk away with due haste. Actually, you knew long ago, and that was when you should have walked away. Oh the time that was wasted
Author peace_pipe Posted January 23, 2008 Author Posted January 23, 2008 And now you know, so you walk away with due haste. Actually, you knew long ago, and that was when you should have walked away. Oh the time that was wasted I did waste time, makes me want to puke. And if I know me, I'll waste another week trying to find rationale in this situation, before I get too tired to care anymore.
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