TMCM Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 So if you think her EA was validated by that one dance I would have to disagree. It seems that many cheating spouses are very insecure people. I was once married to one of them [see my thread titled 'Red Flags'] and it was sheer hell. I know that you may still be heavily invested in her to consider divorcing her but unless she makes a committment to end her affair, to never again contact the OM and to be totally transparent to you, then things will continue as they are at this very moment. The sad thing is that IF the time ever does come when she does all of this, it may be too little too late for you. Something for you to consider conveying to her, if you haven't done so already.
Frances Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Your wife is one sick person. You cannot even remotely compare the two situations. She sounds amazingly immature. I would think long and hard whether you wish to spend the rest of your life with such a person. I think the Menopause, hormones all over the place may have something to do with going overboard about the dance. Also may explain her list that she gave to OP.
TMCM Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I think the Menopause, hormones all over the place may have something to do with going overboard about the dance. Also may explain her list that she gave to OP. You may be right but for her to keep those love letters from the OM is incredibly disrespectful towards OP. If the roles were reversed she would most certainly not like it.
sarme Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 OK folks heres the deal....my wife convinced me to go to this 50th birthday party for a friend of ours, she had to work and could not go. I did not want to go because I am a stay at home person. My wife and I both turned fifty this year. I went with a friend and his girlfriend and she met her friend at the door so she could walk in with us. After 4 hrs of being with all my high school friends partying and drinking, not dancing, we were getting ready to leave when the lady who met us at the door asked me to dance. I didn't even think about it I just got up and danced. Well all my friends were making a big deal, joking and telling me they were going to tell my wife. On the way home I called my wife at work to tell her who I saw and who asked about her. She asks if I danced with anybody and I said yes and she asked who and I told her and she went ballistic. I did not realize how mad she was until later. I that point she decided she was going to raise the bar as she put it. She said she knew at some point a man would give her the opportunity to get me back. I told her there was nothing to get me back for. I was wrong I apologized and said it meant nothing to me. This all happened this year. When I found out about her 2 1/2 months of cell phone conversations with the OM she claims it started as revenge against me for dancing with the whore. The OM is her 2nd cousin whom she has been in contact with off and on for 26 yrs. They used to date right before I met her. I just learned all of this lately. She has all the letters he ever wrote her. He professes his love to her in every letter. So if you think her EA was validated by that one dance I would have to disagree. Strange, why would she ask you if you danced with anyone? Didn't she push you to go to this thing? Had you met this woman before? had your w?
Author Planofool Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 We both know the lady. I don't know why she asked but I never keep anything from her. Her past is probably why she asked. Her dad who was very unfaithful, left her when she was three. Her first husband started screwing around on her when they were dating and never stopped. But that didn't stop her from loving him. Alot of her past has come to light since dday. She keeps everything from her past and I have read most of it. The letters from the OM dating back 26 yrs are what pisses me off the most. That's 26 yrs of deception in my book.
jmargel Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 OK folks heres the deal....my wife convinced me to go to this 50th birthday party for a friend of ours, she had to work and could not go. I did not want to go because I am a stay at home person. My wife and I both turned fifty this year. I went with a friend and his girlfriend and she met her friend at the door so she could walk in with us. After 4 hrs of being with all my high school friends partying and drinking, not dancing, we were getting ready to leave when the lady who met us at the door asked me to dance. I didn't even think about it I just got up and danced. Well all my friends were making a big deal, joking and telling me they were going to tell my wife. On the way home I called my wife at work to tell her who I saw and who asked about her. She asks if I danced with anybody and I said yes and she asked who and I told her and she went ballistic. I did not realize how mad she was until later. I that point she decided she was going to raise the bar as she put it. She said she knew at some point a man would give her the opportunity to get me back. I told her there was nothing to get me back for. I was wrong I apologized and said it meant nothing to me. This all happened this year. When I found out about her 2 1/2 months of cell phone conversations with the OM she claims it started as revenge against me for dancing with the whore. The OM is her 2nd cousin whom she has been in contact with off and on for 26 yrs. They used to date right before I met her. I just learned all of this lately. She has all the letters he ever wrote her. He professes his love to her in every letter. So if you think her EA was validated by that one dance I would have to disagree. Wow.. just.. Wow.. Do you honestly think this was the reason? Are you sure this affair started AFTER you danced with this woman? Her reason for cheating sounds like what a 16 year old teenager would say. Has she always been this immature in your marriage? To try to justify not honoring your vows because you danced with someone, it's just redicilious. She is reaching for straws here. Her doing this is her being defensive, when she is defensive she is not being remorseful or taking responsibilty for what she's done. Her not wanting to goto counseling is another red flag. It's time to show TOUGH LOVE. Read the book 'Love must be tough'. It's time to stand up to her.. Live the confidence. Slow dancing with another woman? Pfft, my wife wouldn't care, guess every woman is different. I've done it before in front of my wife. There is a huge different between dancing with someone and cheating on someone. Honestly it sounds like you are raising a daughter, being married to her. Stop tolerating her behavior! Stop listening to her excuses! It's either MC or tell her she has got to go. If you put up with this now, your future with her is going to be one hell of a roller coaster ride.
sarme Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 We both know the lady. I don't know why she asked but I never keep anything from her. Her past is probably why she asked. Her dad who was very unfaithful, left her when she was three. Her first husband started screwing around on her when they were dating and never stopped. But that didn't stop her from loving him. Alot of her past has come to light since dday. She keeps everything from her past and I have read most of it. The letters from the OM dating back 26 yrs are what pisses me off the most. That's 26 yrs of deception in my book. what, she has known the OM for 26yrs? how long was the affair?Just putting this out there but if she knew this woman, women get "vibes" form women, maybe she got some kind of vibe from her....Is is really a tit for tat scenario where by she says she cheated because of the slow dance? or is it more a question of a culmination of things that has made her feels insecure, the dance being one of them?
Author Planofool Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 She just knows the woman from living in the same town. No contact with her. The affair that I know of lasted for two and a half months of phone calling. He sent a letter to our house and I took it with us to the therapist. He said the OM was scarry and the letter was definately a deal breaker. It is sickening to read. He has called our house off and on for 24 yrs....he was her cousin and I didn't suspect a thing. She thought all these years they were third cousins...I showed her how they were second cousins. She said it didn't matter because he didn't mean anything to her. He bought her gifts of jewelry over the years....I didn't know about. He sent her pictures and asked for pictures in return he could fantasize with. She just poo poos this all off by saying she never felt the same way about him. If I ever left her she would not go to him......that makes me feel better!
sarme Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 It sounds like what you are saying is that they had an emotional affair and not a physical one, am I correct? You showed her how they were second cousins? she didn't know this herself? sorry this is all very confusing...
BetrayedMM Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I'm a bit confused... was it a 26 year affair, or 2 & 1/2 months? Or maybe 26 years of wooing followed by 2 1/2 months of... screwing? Anyway, the revenge motive kinda makes sense too. As I said before, it excuses nothing, but this(the revenge thing) is something I've seen often. I've even been propositioned several times by women seeking revenge on their SO over the years. No, I didn't.(before ya ask)
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 She just knows the woman from living in the same town. No contact with her. The affair that I know of lasted for two and a half months of phone calling. He sent a letter to our house and I took it with us to the therapist. He said the OM was scarry and the letter was definately a deal breaker. It is sickening to read. He has called our house off and on for 24 yrs....he was her cousin and I didn't suspect a thing. She thought all these years they were third cousins...I showed her how they were second cousins. She said it didn't matter because he didn't mean anything to her. He bought her gifts of jewelry over the years....I didn't know about. He sent her pictures and asked for pictures in return he could fantasize with. She just poo poos this all off by saying she never felt the same way about him. If I ever left her she would not go to him......that makes me feel better! Why are you even staying then??? What would happen if you banged your second cousin would she consider it cool then? You need to expose the LTA affair to everyone in her family and then bounce. She doesnt sound like a good wife to me, she's just using the marriage like a convenice.
sarme Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 I don't think there was any banging, he said the affair was two and a half months of phone calling that to me implies it was an emotional affair not a physical one and the OP assumes more happened due to all the letters he read. I could be mistaken..
sarme Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Gees I just went back and re-read the original post it WAS an EA he says so right in the opening post!! LOL So this brings me back to my original conclusion and it makes sense that she would use the EA out of spite because he danced with someone that made her jealous. Ok now it all makes sense. So simmer down everyone it is a tit-for-tat situation where one person is paying the other with some acts to get jealousy, out of spite.
Author Planofool Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 26 yrs of letter writing, phone calls to the house. The phone calls I don't know how often they happened over the years. To the best of my knowledge they never got together. The most recent EA happened this past year from April through June. Excessive cell phone conversations. He was listed in her cell phone as Stephanie. The girls at work had a cute nickname for him. She was on the phone with him every chance she got. She has told me how sorry she is and that she really screwed up. NC since dday as far as I know. He has always professed his love to her and she said it was good to know she had someone who loved her. She has always said she did not believe I loved her. I guess I just invested 26 yrs as a science project or something!
BetrayedMM Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Yeah, but the love letters dating back 26 years... ? Edit: OOps, ya answered while I was typing...
Author Planofool Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Gees I just went back and re-read the original post it WAS an EA he says so right in the opening post!! LOL So this brings me back to my original conclusion and it makes sense that she would use the EA out of spite because he danced with someone that made her jealous. Ok now it all makes sense. So simmer down everyone it is a tit-for-tat situation where one person is paying the other with some acts to get jealousy, out of spite. You have got to be kidding ....right....it makes sense? She has told me about contact with Doctors at work rubbing her neck and shoulders and playing with her hair. Now I didn't go out and have an affair for spite, I told her if she didn't tell him to stop I would go over and do it myself. Why do you have to go outside the marriage? This Doctor makes my dance look like a handshake.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 God she sounds immature. I would definitely go and see a lawyer. You danced with another woman at a party years ago! and she wanted to have an emotional affair with her second cousin? WTF? Where does that fit into a rational person's mind? God I would so be angling for a divorce right bout now. You arent happy and she only exist to bring you more pain, what do you get outta being married to a woman who has hurt you for so long. She put others before you and wont stop, So why stay?
sarme Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 You danced with another woman at a party years ago!LMAO ok this thread has officially gone off the deep end, it is like ONE BIG broken telephone. Ok now apparently you danced with a woman at a party years ago.... LOL She has told me about contact with Doctors at work rubbing her neck and shoulders and playing with her hair. Now I didn't go out and have an affair for spite, I told her if she didn't tell him to stop I would go over and do it myself. Why do you have to go outside the marriage? This Doctor makes my dance look like a handshake. so if this woman constantly does this with every man and now she has been having an emotional affair for 26yrs with her second cousin which she did not know he was her second cousin until you pointed this out, why are you with her? LOL
Author Planofool Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 The dance was in January of 2007..... so if this woman constantly does this with every man and now she has been having an emotional affair for 26yrs with her second cousin which she did not know he was her second cousin until you pointed this out, why are you with her? LOL The million dollar question. Most of this I just found out in the last 4 months. I guess that is why I am on here looking for responses from you folks. I know I have always liked a challenge.......but this might be a bit too much for me.
torranceshipman Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Yea yea, its all details - bottom line is she had an A. She's freakin lucky you are giving her a 2nd chance - make sure she realises this, because right now she's just spouting crap to try and get herself off the hook and you seem to be being pretty soft on her. Hell, maybe even move out for a couple of weeks and make her face up to the reality of losing you and whats she's done. Don't entertain that 'oohh you danced with some woman at a party' and you feel vulnreable crap - that is pathetic. She had an A, she lied to you, and if jealousy and vulnerability was the reason - why not just talk to you? And anyway what is she, 15?! She sounds like a royal pain in the ass.
sarme Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 The dance was in January of 2007..... The million dollar question. Most of this I just found out in the last 4 months. I guess that is why I am on here looking for responses from you folks. I know I have always liked a challenge.......but this might be a bit too much for me. Ok fair enough but the question is can you look at your relationship honestly and say you don't do things to feed into her insecurities, it is clear she has been doing this to you, and it is is true that the EA was only out of spite then it was just that. If you both know what buttons to push in each other then its time to get councelling and see if you can work around why you both have this need to make the other jealous, you need to talk to her, open the channels of communication right up and you need to make yourself vulnerable with each other and talk from a place of complete openeness and really listen to each other and why you have been acting the way you have. It seems she tried to do this and in turn you came to a public forum to get the answers of what your own W is putting on the table. You have to decide to trust her and trust her reasons behind what she is saying but this can only happen if you are completey open with each other.Do you still have unanswered questions re. the EA? Bottom line is we don't have the answers SHE does.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Yea yea, its all details - bottom line is she had an A. She's freakin lucky you are giving her a 2nd chance - make sure she realises this, because right now she's just spouting crap to try and get herself off the hook and you seem to be being pretty soft on her. Hell, maybe even move out for a couple of weeks and make her face up to the reality of losing you and whats she's done. Don't entertain that 'oohh you danced with some woman at a party' and you feel vulnreable crap - that is pathetic. She had an A, she lied to you, and if jealousy and vulnerability was the reason - why not just talk to you? And anyway what is she, 15?! She sounds like a royal pain in the ass. I agree, and I didnt know the dance was recent. Plain you should have told the lady no, I'm married it would look and feel right. But under the circumstances I understand. All in all it sounds like a setup. how did she know you danced with someone if she wasnt there? Then she goes off and does something stupid. It looks like she was waiting for an excuse to cheat. But the bottom line is that she sounds very immature. and I would seriously consider looking into a divorce lawyer and seeing where you stand.
sarme Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Yea yea, its all details - bottom line is she had an A. She's freakin lucky you are giving her a 2nd chance - make sure she realises this, because right now she's just spouting crap to try and get herself off the hook and you seem to be being pretty soft on her. Hell, maybe even move out for a couple of weeks and make her face up to the reality of losing you and whats she's done. Don't entertain that 'oohh you danced with some woman at a party' and you feel vulnreable crap - that is pathetic. She had an A, she lied to you, and if jealousy and vulnerability was the reason - why not just talk to you? And anyway what is she, 15?! She sounds like a royal pain in the ass. She didn't have an A can't you read? She had and EA, there is a difference so all the technicalities DO have to be taken into account. IT was not about sex it was about an EMOTIONAL connection and they need to get to the bottom of that and WHY it happened.
torranceshipman Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 OK I just read through this post in more detail - she had an A with her 2nd COUSIN?! Lol. And what is with the doctors and the inappropriate flirting? Wtf is that all about! Sorry dude, sounds like she's been playing around behind your back for a long time. Plus if it was me and I was on the phone to a guy every chance I got and all my girlfriends at work had a cute name for him - thats total flirting. And I'd have been at the very least making out with the dude for sure, not just leaving it at the phone call stage - you do that when you're into someone enough to be on the phone to them and call them cute names all the time...sorry..but its true, I wouldnt have stopped at phone calls if I was that in to a guy, no girl would. I'd dump this woman fast.
torranceshipman Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 'She didnt have an affair can't you read'? Why are you so rude? And read my last post - doesn't sound like it was just an EA. Anyway thats disrespectful enough.
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