joeyd Posted June 19, 2003 Posted June 19, 2003 So my girlfriend and I have been going out for 2 years. We were friends in college and have been good friends for like 3 years. We were really really close. She was not only my girlfriend but my best friend. Last November she had an abortion and things have been a little different ever since. We kinda swept it under the table and never talked about it again. Then she let out to me that she was really upset about things, and I tried my best to console her but really to no avail. Nothing I could say could help her. I think she realized that and tried to block it out and deal with it on her own. Then things just got forgotten about with Christmas and the New Year. Then as she started taking birth control she got moody and started acting different. We went away on vacation for Valentines Day and things were very strange she was very aloof and distant and not really happy. I had a minor operation in March and was out of commission for 2 weeks or so. When I saw her when I got back, we started fighting and she said she needed a break from me to figure out what the problem was with her and why she was so unhappy. I had a hard time dealing with her need for space so I resorted to being very difficult and didn't really give her her space and kept nudging her about why and when she would be ready to get back to life as we knew it. So, While we were seperated I was supposed to do what I said I was going to do get an apartment get some of the things she didn't like about me and I didn't like about myself together. Rather than do that I went and partied and drank a lot and didn't tend to myself and was not as positive and focused as I needed to be. WHich caused me to keep running back at her and asking where she was at with her problems and when things were going to get back to normal. So time went by then we tried to get back together because I couldn't take the time apart. She tried to make things work my way but clearly she wasn't ready. It failed. We took time away again. Again I couldn't deal with it. ANd a few days would pass and I would nag her about what the story was and she would get upset because she just needed a little time to figure stuff about herself out. Anyway my birthday came and I saw her then her birthday came and I saw her and we tried to work on things and decided to go away for the weekend down the shore. So we went away and were just at each other's necks the whole time. Apparently we just really were not ready to start slowly and respect each others needs and expectations. I was expecting too much too soon and she expected me to do exactly that and we were pulling at each other. We came back and she said obviously I have not been able to come to terms with my problems and neither have you so the only thing left has been to totally seperate and sort things out. Which in retrospect was a very mature intelligent decision. She really has always wanted us to be together but she just needed some time to sort through her problems. So, a couple of days went on and I went back to my usual nagging of what the deal with her was. Then I promised to leave her be and I would be here waiting for her. 4 more days would pass and I would get anxious and ask where she was at. Then she would say you never give me anytime and I can't think at all. She says she just started to miss me and was able to think then I call to bother her again. It has gotten to the point where she resents the fact that I haven't been able to give her her space. But by the same token I resent her for taking so long. Last week I told her I am here for her and I will not bother her and let her think....Monday rolls around and the same thing happens I email her to tell her about an aprtment taht I am going to buy and she emails me back something simple and I jumped on her email and picked it apart. So basically...I know where I have gone wrong. I have not been able to give her the space she has asked for. But by the same token she has kind of kept me in limbo. Now she expects nothing from me and expects that I can't give her any space and that she is getting through this stuff in her life with or without me and if I can leave her alone all the better if I don't all the worse. Point is she was trying to be really positive and get what she needed done so we can get back to a healthier relationship. I was and have been completely ridiculous in my actions but in some cases I feel as if my actions were justified. Point is we both are upset and resent each other a little bit. She resents me. I resent her a little bit. But she has now gone from hoping to see me soon and us getting back together to being very scared of how I have acted in not giving her her space and if she wants to be with a person like that. Now she is like whatever will be will be. Take one day at a time. SO basically I am sitting here and the only thing I can do is wait and prove to her I can give her her space and this time really stay positive. And forget about the past 3 months that we both feel we have wasted a little since we can't get them back and focus on the future. But I don't know if she will be able to forget all her resentment towards me and we will be able to get back to life as we have known it someday. So I am stuck here waiting on her but not knowing if one day she will come back at me and say I have decided I can't be with you or say let's start that new beginning. So once again I am leaving myself on the line. This time I think I owe it to her and to myself to give her as much space as I can and really try it out. But it is really hard. Might be too little too late. Is it worth me giving it a shot and waiting on her and this time not call her and bother her and prove to her I can do it? Or am I just wasting some more of my time? The truth is I love her so much and want things to work. I have no option left other than to wait on her and see if she can forgive my actions, her actions, and our actions and get happy and get back to the life we both once loved.
Ephemeral Posted June 20, 2003 Posted June 20, 2003 Dear Joeyd, It seems that you know what you have to do and your finally doing it. Giving her space and I mean real space not just a couple of days it is very important. As a girl I can understand your girlfriends need to think. After all she did have an abortion and that is an extremely big deal. It was a decision she could never turn back on. Right now she is most likely dealing with regret and old wounds. You said so yourself that after the abortion things were not discussed clearly between the both of you. That was bad. After something like that happens a woman would start doubting herself. Right now you are just scared of losing her because you two had a wonderful relationship that seemed like it couldn't be any better before her abortion. Let her know how you feel. Let her know that you really love her and will be by her side. She really needs that right now, but do not pressure her. I can understand the thought of losing her is very painful but the thing is you haven't . She comes back to you despite your disputes because she does want things to work out. The time she takes and I don't just mean a few days, it can take a few weeks for her to really sort things out, will give you time to take care of your own seperate priorities. You need to be patient. Look at it this way if she doesn't have any time to take care of herself and doesn't feel like she loves herself then your realtionship will go down the drain and you guys will end up hating each other. If your patient though the rewards far outweigh the pain even though it doesn't seem like it right now. Just BELIEVE in her, in yourself and that things will work out given time. You will both mature and grow a deeper bond because of this experience. Good Luck.
clia Posted June 20, 2003 Posted June 20, 2003 But by the same token she has kind of kept me in limbo. No, you have kept yourself in limbo. Her needing space has nothing to do with how you react to it. You allowed her to keep you in limbo by letting her go off and do her thing under the assumption that the two of you were still together in some way. Well, you didn't really, but...when she said she needed space you should've said "Fine, you take all the space you need. I will consider us broken up and feel free to date others. When you decide what you want, let me know, and maybe I'll still be available." So I am stuck here waiting on her but not knowing if one day she will come back at me and say I have decided I can't be with you or say let's start that new beginning. YOU are not stuck doing anything ou don't want to do. If you want to leave yourself on the line and wait around for whatever may happen, feel free to do so, but don't complain about it because it's a choice YOU are making. You can very easily break things off while she "thinks" about things so you can go on with your life, but you are CHOOSING not to do so. Why? Is it worth me giving it a shot and waiting on her and this time not call her and bother her and prove to her I can do it? Or am I just wasting some more of my time? I think you are wasting your time. I think you should start doing whatever you have to do to move on. You will never move on when you perceive yourself as being in limbo. I think it's insane to sit around and wait for someone to decide whether or not they want to be with you. It doesn't take that much thought! You either do or your don't. Sure, if you have a fight and someone wants to think about things for, say, a week, fine. But months and months of this is just insane. The truth is I love her so much and want things to work. Clearly. But what you have to understand is that it is out of your hands. Whether you are waiting or not waiting, it's her choice to make, and there isn't anything you can do to speed up or help her make that choice. I think you are better off making an attempt to move on while she figures this out, cutting off contact with her, and giving her the space she obviously needs. But that does not mean your life has to come to a screeching halt. If she doesn't want to be with you right now, fine, but that means you can put yourself back out there and date others. I have no option left other than to wait on her and see if she can forgive my actions, her actions, and our actions and get happy and get back to the life we both once loved. As noted above, you have many options. However, you are only seeing one of them.
Gray Posted June 20, 2003 Posted June 20, 2003 If you can, I'd try to use this time to your advantage to. Work on yourself like you mentioned, and try not to focus on how much your life sucks without her but, what else is out there for you to explore without her! In theory maybe you'll find out new things about yourself, and you'll be giving her the space she needs. Then maybe things'll turn out all good. Eh, I know its easier said than done tho. I'm the anxious type myself and would find it hard going that long. Then again I like confronting my problems immediately. Good luck to ya.
quankanne Posted June 25, 2003 Posted June 25, 2003 okay, joey, this is about the fourth or fifth time I've seen this exact same post on this forum, so I'm guessing you've yet to hear what you want or need to hear. So I'll give it a shot: My guess is that your girlfriend is not happy with you and finds you immature, based on the reactions to some of the serious sh*t she's had to deal with as a result of this relationship. And because you keep pestering her, she is frustrated and upset because you refuse to give her breathing space. You want to go back to that idyllic time before all these problems took place, and while that's nice, it's also pretty selfish, because you're not taking into consideration the things that SHE has had to cope with, like deciding to abort her baby. Love isn't about persistently bugging someone so much so that you get back to the place where you want to be, but about respecting someone's need for time and space alone when they need to figure things out. So, give her the breathing room she needs and prove to the both of you that you can learn something from this and that you can act maturely.
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