jdeedee Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 I posted this in the Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy forums and got a bunch of hostile replies telling me to move on. I know I need to move on and perhaps I'm confused but I was looking for advice regarding my jealousy, trying to understand where it is stemming from and what to do about it. Saying "move on" isn't that simple for me. Anyway just hoping to hear some other point of views. In my last relationship I was very proud of how little jealousy I allowed to surface. Throughout our relationship my ex was very insecure about my feelings for her. I did not begin the relationship properly, I intended to have a fling and it became more so I imagine she always was unsure of my love for her. She tried to use her friendship with other men in order to make her more desirable in my eyes. There was a visible desire for her to see me jealous, I think she wanted to see it to make sure I cared. At some point in the beginning of our relationship, about a month in, she asked if I was a jealous person. I told her no, saying that I trusted her and never saw a reason to be jealous. This kept things fine for some time but there was one specific guy, we'll call him John, that my ex would constantly talk to me about. She would tell me how John wanted to know about our relationship, how John was discussing this or that with her. It went on and on and eventually she pulled the jealousy out of me regarding John. She told me how she was having a bad day and John played music for her on his guitar and she grinned from ear to ear. This hurt me so deeply. I am a musician and she would never complement my musical ability. This was an issue with us, she wouldn't tell me I played well, she wouldn't smile when I played. Then she discussed how wonderful John's guitar was and I flipped into jealous mode. This happened again when she was insecure that I hadn't said "I love you." About four months into the relationship she clearly loved me and I was scared to say the words to her, even though I knew she would reciprocate. She didn't want to say them to me first because of that whole insecurity issue. I came to her house one day and saw a notepad with the words "Tom loves MyEx." Tom is her best friend that I know had a crush on her. I became intensely upset, insecure and jealous about their relationship. Now I know, without a doubt that there was nothing to be jealous about. She wasn't having an emotional affair, she never cheated on me. I have no lack of trust for her. That said, now that we are over, I have an intense jealousy towards Tom, her best friend. He lives across the street from her in her brother's house. He has a girlfriend though it is a long distance relationship, in fact he is visiting his girlfriend as we speak. He is my coworker and every day I see him come to work with breakfast/lunch that her mom cooked for him. I know he is a support system for her, a friend that can help her through whatever she needs but I can't help feel a knot in my stomach when I think they might be intimate together (I know he still has a crush on her). So what am I asking? I have no clue. I just wanted to put my issues in words and hear what people think. This post breakup jealousy towards Tom is really intense and upsetting. The John I mentioned before does not live around her right now so I have no immediate jealousy or worries regarding him, but when he does come back to visit you can be sure I will be upset. I know it's over and she owes nothing to me but I can't help feel anxious sometimes when my mind begins to wander.
Always Wrong Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Oh man! I'm a musician too, and I play exceptionally well... I'm not bragging. I've been playing guitar since the guitar was bigger than I was. But I had a GF once who did that to me! How bogus! She was trying to get a rise out of you! That's all! I was and still am very laid back. I think jealousy is a sign of insecurity and immaturity... but it isn't that way for the female of our species! (in most cases... there are exceptions) Jealousy, to many women, shows passion... fire... desire... lust...etc...etc...etc. Just like the bull who kicks up a cloud of dust when another bull comes too close! The hefers are attracted to the bull you puts on the biggest show! I know it sounds stupid, but there are many primitive behaviors and compulsions we have carried with us from the stoneage.
Author jdeedee Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Thanks for the reply Always. It's really rough because I still have jealousy to this day and it's really hard for me to just get over it. In the end shifting blame to her is an excuse, an out. Any jealousy I have I allowed myself to have. It'll fade in time I guess.
sedgwick Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 (edited) On the flip side, here I am, the girlfriend who supported his music 100%, told him constantly how good he was, asked him to teach me things about the bass, showed nothing but constant interest in what he did, told him over and over when he didn't want to go on tour that he was living the dream and he was lucky and he had to go (even though it meant he was away from me 8 months out of the year), and I got dumped because I'm not a musician too. I'm a music-obsessed dancer and always wanted to practice -- often scantily clad -- while he played, but that wasn't close enough. I needed to be an old-time fiddle player, like his last two girlfriends with whom he broke up because they weren't good enough fiddle players. God, I must just suck as a human being or something. I couldn't have supported and loved his music more. And then I hear about musicians being hung up on girls who ignored or didn't appreciate their musicianship. Sigh. (All that said, I LOATHE jealous men, and nothing turns me off faster.) Edited January 19, 2008 by sedgwick
Always Wrong Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 God, I must just suck as a human being or something. No way Sedgwick! I've read a lot of your stuff... YOU DO NOT SUCK AS A HUMAN BEING!!!!!! He was just a self absorbed jerk! I'm sorry to say that about the guy you still have feelings for. He had a beautiful bird in his hand, and he still wants to see what might jump out of the bush! Some humans just don't even try to make sense... it's like they aren't aware of themselves and how their actions effect those around them. We're all wired differently. Some, beautifully wired from the start... and some wiring just needs to be ripped out and restrung! (I'm just a little jaded... sorry) Maybe they'll be able to fix that missing compassion gene with that stem cell stuff!
carrotgirl Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Anyway just hoping to hear some other point of views. JDD, I'm having some of these issues myself, only the jealous person is GD and not me. He's the one who broke things off with me and he's jealous. Go figure. He's had jealous feelings all along to one degree or another. Lately it seems to be getting worse for him. He's dealing okay. We talked about it and some other related things until almost dawn yesterday morning so there is at least acknowledgment from each of us. It's not the feelings that count. It's what you do with them that matters. I don't know where he's channeling his jealousy so I can't tell you what it is that's working for him but I will guess he's throwing himself into his schoolwork extra. Carrot
Author jdeedee Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 I've been trying to absorb and ignore jealous thoughts, they are really just poison. It's hard though, to stop them before they begin, yknow? I mean I ended it technically, though we both knew it was over I said it's done. Neither one of us was prepared and I feel like she's moved on so much quicker. If I could stop my mind from obsessing I could move on like she has, I just don't know how to stopthis cyclical obsession without replacement.
Jmina Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 well whatever we are trying to release in our lives is just a symptom, an outer effect. trying to eliminate the symptom without working on disolving the cause is useless. the moment we release our willpower or discipline the symptom creeps up again.
Always Wrong Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 That makes perfect sence Jmina. That must be why an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
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