Hippy_Chick Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Hello there! I posted this on another page but haven't had much response so I'm hoping that maybe this page may be more relevant. I'm new to the forum. Was wondering if someone could shed some light on my problem. I was with my Ex fiance for almost five years. During that time on a personal level we were happy but our domestic situation left much to be desired. He had moved into my house (which I owned and paid a mortgage for) and for the first year did not pay any rent because I had said that it was not fair as the house would never be his. (We were only supposed to have been living in that house as a temporary measure until we managed to get our own house). He was always talking about us getting married and having a future. When we were going out three months he started talking about engagements and by seven months, one night after us making love, he bent down on one knee and proposed. I accepted and after much haggling from his dad, we went out to look for an engagement ring. He was only prepared to let me look at the cheapest rings available so I felt that his heart wasn't in it. A few weeks later, when we still hadn't found a ring, I suggested that we put the engagement on hold for a while until we were better prepared and he was happy with that suggestion. We did have some amazing times, we went to rock concerts and the theatre. We went to the cinema quite a lot too. I love travelling, and used to go travelling to places on my own before I met my Ex. I used to ask him to go on holidays. I wasn't asking to go to Barbados or anywhere like that, even a wee camping trip a cars drive away would have done. I could never get him to go. In the five years that we were together we had two holidays. One was an over-night camping trip to a campsite 45 mins away and the other was a weekend away to Scotland whereby I did all the driving. He knew I loved travelling more than anything and he just point blank refused to even try. Like every relationship we had out ups and downs. We had our arguments at times and also our lovey dovey times too. When I woke up on the morning of my 31st birthday, there were happy birthday posters all around the walls. I went downstairs and there was a cake with candles in it. My Ex. handed me my birthday card which had a lovely sentimental note in it and then he handed me a small box. On opening it, I noticed that it was a diamond ring. It looked like a dress ring so I was about to put it on my right hand and at that, my Ex said, no it's for this hand and placed it on the ring finger of my left hand. On realising what was happening, I said, well if you're going to ask me you better do it properly, so he got down on one knee and proposed. I was so happy. He said the rings not much but I'll get you a better one. I told him I loved it and he just went ok then. I started phoning around my friends and family. Telling everyone. I was so pleased. My Ex didn't seem that happy and just went back to bed. As the day was going on, I felt increasingly as if the engagement wasn't real. I took my ring off and asked my Ex what was happening. He didn't say much. I was upset at this stage so I went out around to my mums. I was talking to her about what happened and she asked to see my ring. I didn't have it with me and was therefore trying to describe it. I lifted the Argos catalogue to see if there was anything similar to it there and to my horror I found my engagement ring on the page priced at £25. I went straight home and My Ex and I had a huge row which ended up in us breaking up. I broke my heart for three days and then eventually agreed to meet up for a coffee with him. I just wanted him home so I accepted his lame excuse for what he did and he moved back in with me. This time, however, I made sure that he would pay a little rent (So that I wouldn't feel like I was being used). Things started getting back on track after that. He started paying his way more and would spend money on me, buying me occasional gifts etc and contributing to my cars petrol (as he didn't drive). I still couldn't get him to go out at the weekends or on a holiday but I accepted that and we moved on. We were pretty much happy for the next year and so on my next birthday he proposed again. I told him that I would say yes but not right now, that I wanted him to do it properly so that I would believe he meant it (After what had happened before, I couldn't trust it). That following April, we celebrated our fourth anniversary and he proposed to me on bended knee in the middle of a restaurant. I was so happy I cried. We went visiting our family to break the news and then went home. We didn't make love that night, or for a further six weeks afterwards. I don't know why, I wanted to but he gently rejected me. We agreed a date for the wedding, exactly a year to the day that we got engaged. I thought that we were happy. I started making arrangements for the wedding and asked him opinion at every opportunity. He obviously wasn't interested. As time was going on, I felt, this is going to be a repeat of before, this engagement is a farce. I booked the reception, band, ordered the bridal parties' attire, bought loads of wee bits and bobs etc. I asked my Ex to help but he gave minimal effort. I started arguing with him a little, saying that I wasn't convinced that he was comitted to our wedding. He then started helping for a short time. We bought our wedding rings and booked the honeymoon. In October we celebrated our 4.5 year anniversary (a bit silly I know). I bought him a card and in it I had written, only six months to go, I can wait to be your wife. He didn't comment much. Over the next few weeks he became more distant. A week before Halloween I sat him down and told him that I was unhappy and that we needed to make more of an effort for our relationship. I told him why I was uhappy and how we could easily fix it. He started making arguements against what I was suggesting. It was starting to sound like a break up. We talked that whole weekend and on the Sunday night there was a revelation, he'd made a new "best friend" at work and she was fanatastic. I agreed to meet up with her on a night out (He would never go out on a night out before this). When the night came, he seemed to be very flirty with her and I felt very nervous. I ended up drinking too much and was sick by the time we got home. Instead of looking after me, my Ex was busy sending this girl text messages. We ended up arguing over this for two weeks, both said silly things and eventually I asked him to go to him mother's house. We were in contact over the following week and I made it clear to him that I still loved him and wanted to try and fix this. He said that he would like to try and fix it too but that I had changed and he'd need to see me as a friend and see that I was still the person that he fell in love with before we could ever get back together again. He said this could take months and he couldn't guarantee that he'd take me back at the end of it. We've been apart for almost two months now. His things are still in my house and he has put off and put off collecting them. We're still in contact but we tend to argue a lot because I can't make him see that this coul dbe fixed. He just keeps saying that I've changed. I still want to work things out. There were problems but they weren't all my fault and he's adamant that I was to blame for everything. I spoke to him today on MSN and I asked him outright, does he still love me and he says yes. I told him that I still love him and asked him where does that leave us. He said that it had nothing to do with whether or not he still loves me, just about how we get on as a couple. He still can 't see that if we fixed the problems we'd get on great again. What do I do? Please help!
Tripper Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Hello HC, Sorry to hear you are going through all this. From reading your post, it seems that your bf, even though he was happy in a relationship with you wasn't sure if he wanted to commit to marriage. It sounds like he grudgingly proposed, maybe out of fear of losing you. While a ring is only a symbol of love and commitment, his actions speak louder. Particularly with this on again/off again engagement. You seem to have some fundamental differences. You enjoy traveling, he doesn't. This isn't a deal breaker necessarily, but I would suggest you take a hard look at the commonality of your values that form the basis for a relationship. Things like: how do you spend your money, how would you raise children, how is work around the house divided etc. These nitty gritty details are lived every day in a marriage and often cause dissonance. Do you think you have enough agreement on these issues for a marriage to work? While I don't know exactly what problems you have that needed fixing, but you are getting resistance from him. This doesn't bode well. If you can't agree it's a problem, you can't begin to fix it. The fact that he feels you've changed and all of a sudden he has a new female best friend makes me think he's simply slowly distancing himself from you. If you want to try to salvage this relationship, forget MSN and email. Sit him down, look him in the eye and start discussing it honestly. Ask the question if he is still interested and want's to work things out. And demand an honest answer. Better you find out now than if you marry him and 5 years, and a child later he decides he's not happy. Sorry I couldn't be more positive, I wish you luck with this...
Recommended Posts