My ex-boyfriend says he loves me but he can’t be happy with me, can someone explain?

[NiceGirlcomeslast]

I have been lurking on this place for about 6 weeks now, I guess I was too scared to post because basically I didn’t want to hear, that it was over, or that I should get over him or that I should move on, I didn’t want any of those things, I still don’t but after a 6 week emotional rollercoaster I am here and I need help.

 

I don’t know how much background you need but I’m 23 and I have only had one proper boyfriend before the EX, I find it very difficult to find guys who fancy me and appreciate my intelligence or who think I have a great personality and think I’m attractive.

 

Maybe I have/had low self esteem, it wouldn’t be surprising after years of being almost there but not quite enough, of guys chatting me up but not wanting to talk to me about anything meaningful, or guys connecting with me mentally and then kissing my slim blonde friends.

 

Then I met the ex and he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world, and we connected in everyway, intellectually, spiritually, comically!

 

In the beginning it was ok, he told me on our 1st date that he would make a lousy boyfriend, that he can’t handle relationships and that was fine because I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I was happy to see how things went, thinking that if a relationship developed we would both see it coming and deal with it.

 

So 4 months went on, I never pressured him into anything, as far as I was concerned I liked him a lot a hell of a lot but we were just still seeing how things went, I didn’t want to be one of the girls he told me about who wanted more than he could give and so he had to break up with.

 

Then 4 months into our relationship we went on a mini break, to a country where his ex girlfriend lived, I didn’t even complain when he spent one afternoon of our trip visiting her grandmother. We had an amazing time, being together felt so normal so right, like we were together for 4 years not 4 months. He relaxed more than ever before and so did I.

 

So we got back home and he was distant then he announced out of nowhere that he was visiting friends, and when he came back he broke up with me, saying that what we had wasn’t real, that I didn’t make him unhappy but I didn’t make him happier, generally it was over.

 

The next week he called to make sure I was ok and for 6 weeks we were talking, and seeing each other not as if nothing had changed but it seemed very similar and I couldn’t understand why he was still doing something that clearly made him so unhappy before, he even asked me to go on the mini break with him that I had booked as his xmas present before the break up.

 

Anyway it all came to a head on Tuesday night, he told me that he loves me but he can’t be happy with me. He can’t do relationships, he is not “happy” enough to be in a relationship, he is too selfish etc. That he liked me too much, that as time went on he wanted to spend more time with me and was more affected by me and that he couldn’t handle it.

 

He had never told me that he loved me before… no one has and meant it (maybe he doesn’t mean it either, although he has never been anything but honest with me and he told me he has only loved one person before me) I just don’t understand when you love someone don’t you fight for them, don’t you put your issues aside and make it work because you know that being without you is killing them?

 

I know that no matter what is going on in his head I need to move on, that I need to live my life and no worry about his issues, but every second of every day I think about him I want to talk to him I want to kiss him etc, I have to talk myself out of doing things for him, sending him that book he wants or that cream he needs.

 

I guess I just wanted to get my story out there and any advice on how to stop feeling like everything about me is worthless would be greatly appreciated and if anyone could give me a little insight into what could be going on in his head please do.

 

BTW thanks a lot to everyone on here because reading these posts has sometimes gotten me out of holes that I never thought I would leave.

[Krytie TV]

You want what you can't have. He did you a favor and sounds like he was probably telling you the truth. He was up front in the beginning about making a lousy boyfriend, so kudos to him on that. I guess it sounds like he was a pretty "real" guy that said what was on his mind and didn't feed you crap. That must have been nice to have as some of us never experience that in a lifetime.

 

As far as feeling bad because of it, that's silly when he told you up front it was an issue that he had within himself. You can feel bad about not being able to win him over, but that would be silly as well. People only change if they want to, and as he said, he's probably too selfish to want to change.

 

Use this as a learning experience. When someone tells you how crappy of a boyfriend they'll make and that they're not looking for a relationship, maybe you'll believe it next time? The mistake here was going along for the ride. Othe than that, you had nothing to do with his decision from the sound of it.

[NiceGirlcomeslast]

Thanks for your reply, it helps so much to know someone is out there and understands and thanks for being so even handed.

 

I guess you are right, in the end he treated me with respect and was honest and I am grateful for that.

 

I know that he needs to change for himself and he might never change and stuff, and that it's his problem. It's just part of the reason why he couldn't go on any longer was that I am too "nice" - hence the screen name, he says I am the sweetest person he knows, when he breaks my heart I give him a hug and try to comfort him. That is the way I am, I want to help everyone, fix the world, maybe that's why I didn't go running for the hills when he showed me on the first date that he is fundamentally broken.

 

Sometimes I feel like if I were harder, if I was more demanding, less compliant, asked for more from him, maybe he wouldn't have fallen in love with me but maybe that would make it safe for him to have stayed with me.

 

It's just so hard because I love him, I never told him but I do and I want to be there with him and I don't want anyone else and I know that, those words are pretty common around here but it doesn't change feeling like someone has cut out my heart.

 

If anyone has a time machine they are not using could you let me know, I need to take a little journey into the past, I can pay you back in cakes!

[Krytie TV]

Sometimes I feel like if I were harder, if I was more demanding, less compliant, asked for more from him, maybe he wouldn't have fallen in love with me but maybe that would make it safe for him to have stayed with me.

 

Be careful. You keep trying to make this about you. Don't be so self-centered to think that you can dictate the actions of everyone around you... no one is that important. Sometimes people do things and make their own decisions. That's reality. And as much as you want to believe you could have affected that decision, the truth is that you already did what you thought was right. If that's not enough, then you need to concede that some things are out of your control. To have been anyone but who you are would have been fake. Is that any better?

[NiceGirlcomeslast]

I never thought of myself being self centred, but you are right.

 

I guess I want some hand in this suffering, I want to think there was something I could have done or something I did do that made this happen, otherwise I don't know how to stop this happening in the future.

 

I was lucky with my ex he was honest but not every guy is honest and the "fixer" in me obviously attracts the broken people out there, I am 23 and I don't want to spend the next 10 years fixing frogs (or at least trying to)

 

I know it's not true but sometimes I feel like if he cheated or found someone else it would be better. It would make me hate him, I would have a focus for my pain, it could turn into fury, but this is rubbish. I can't blame myself for not making him happy, I can't blame him for not being happy.

 

You are right I did what I thought was right, I cared for him and i was "nice" I showed him that there were people in the world that would show him compassion and caring, would do anything in their power to make him happy but would also not allow him to wallow in his sometimes self inflicted messes.

I showed him that he was worth fighting for but that he was loved enough to be set free.

 

I am going to have to focus on that.

 

Thanks Krytie, it's so good to be able to talk to someone who doesn't either think I should be banging down his door making him try again, think I should be banging down his door to punch him in the face or think I should be sitting around waiting for the day that he bangs down my door a changed man.