Consuded by co-worker

[Powermonger]

I've been having a complicated friendship with a girl at work for the last year. For periods we get on real well, flirt with each other but then all of a sudden we pull back. We've gone out a few times which went well but just when I thought we were really progressing I asked her out again but she said no. This cycle keeps repeating itself.

 

When we interact with each other at work there is always sexual tension between us but it's like neither of us know what to do with it. It seems whenever I start getting more direct she goes all quiet and cools down.

 

At work if we cross paths or she walks by my desk, we lock eyes and both grin at each other from ear to ear until one of us can't turn our heads anymore. People around us notice this, some comment and others think we are dating.

 

Recently I decided to resign from work because I was frustrated with my job and my manager and wanted a change. Each time we saw each other since she kept asking me if I had changed my mind and was staying, which I said I had'nt. One time she hastily said she want me to stay, like she let something secret slip.

 

This week was my last week at work and her manager put a last minute job offer to me for a role in his team. This girl found out and tried very hard to convince me to stay, telling me she wanted me in her team and to sit at the spare desk next to her. In the end I decided to take the new role and not leave but take some extended leave before starting. I was wary of difficulties that might arise from working even closer with her and put this to her but she dismissed it and said we would be good teammates.

 

Last night we both worked back late and both left together. While I waited for her to get ready to leave, we acted so well together like we were a couple.

 

Today was my last day before I went on extended leave, I sent this girl an email with my home email address and told her to stay in touch while I'm away. I also said I'd like to catch up with her next time I'm in her area and to make sure she saves my new desk for me. She replied back saying thank you but didn't acknowledge the request to see her while I'm on leave. Later when I went to say good bye to her in person she went all cool and acted as if she wanted me to go away. She told me she may or may not email me depending how busy she is.

 

This girl leaves me so confused. Reading back all what I've said it sounds like she is really into me but I just don't understand why she all of a sudden she cools to me each time we get close. She is not a shy person, as far as I can tell, and is fairly direct with people and not insecure at all. She has no boyfriend and is not a party/boozing type, so we are very similar in personality. I'm not a demanding or pushy person either and am fairly patient, perhaps my shyness at timess and awkward feeling sends off a bad vibe to her?

 

She sends off all the right signals to me on her interest but I just know if I ask her out again she will say no. Now I feel stuck and don't know what to do.

Edited January 18, 2008 by Powermonger
Correct title

[serialgf]

powermonger:

are you sure she doesn't have a boyfriend? that was my initial impression upon reading your initial post, until you said that she doesn't...

 

another possibility is that she does like you but she doesn't want it to get in the way of your professional relationship as it sounds like she really enjoys working with you - maybe she just wants to keep it as an office crush for now

 

my advice to you is to play it cool over your break - don't contact her unless she emails you first and stick to subjects she brings up (i.e. don't try to ask her out if she's writing about casual topics like work, etc.)

 

then, when you return to work, i would say just take it easy and follow her lead. after all, you will be spending a lot of time with her and just working together you will gauge whether you really connect romantically on a dating level.

 

in my humble opinion, it sounds like you have a nice little work crush situation and you should enjoy it for what it is - don't take it too seriously and let time tell what will happen - good luck!

[Powermonger]

Thanks for the advice Serialgf, I think I'll do what you say and not contact her unless she initiates it first and take it from there.

 

It's just frustrating waiting because we are very compatible and would have a good time together but I guess I'll just have to exercise my patience more and wait for her until she is ready to want to take it further. I'd rather wait and win her over completely then try and rush her into something she may not want at the moment.

[makemyblackrosesred]

Gosh. This sounds like the cat and mouse my male co-worker plays with me everyday. Except your crush doesn't sound cruel. I wish I could give you some helpful advice, but I can't seem to stay away from my guy either. Life's short. Go for it. Confront the issue. Tell her how you feel..

[Lee725]

Just a thought, but even if she does not have a boyfriend is there a chance that she is flirting with someone else in the office or has an acquaintance outside of work?

 

She is running like she is hot & cold.

 

Does it depend on who is watching you guys flirt at the time?

Does it change when the weekend is coming up and she may be thinking about someone else?

It seems odd that with you on extended leave she has gone cold, could this be because someone else has taken her eye while you are away?

Does you have any contact with her at all outside work? (email, txt's etc - i am assuming no).

 

There is something a bit a-miss here, because a self confident girl (even if she had SOME shy tendencies) would not be behaving so randomly. HHHmmmmm

[Powermonger]

Both of us work in teams full of guys, I know I find it difficult to express myself properly to her when everyone is watching and listening to what you are saying, so can only think she has the same problem. When we are one on one she is more comfortable, very sweet and at times flirtatious and caring. Perhaps yesterday when I said goodbye to her she felt nervous due to her own co-workers standing around and not wanting them to see her true feelings.

 

She definetly has no boyfriend and has never even hinted at one and has no other interest with anyone else at work. She can get very focused on work so maybe that plays a part in how she interacts sometimes.

 

It's a very stand-offish relationship we have, I don't email her as much as I use to because I didn't want to feel like I was being a pest. Another girl in the office was doing the same to me and I hated it.

 

I'm just wondering that she might be confident and assertive in normal day to day interactions with people, when it comes to a more romantic level she loses that confidence. She knows very well my feelings towards her, if she wasn't interested I would think she'd try to keep me more at arms length then encouraging me to join her team and sit next to her.

[Lucasarts]

interesting...sounds like she likes you a lot but i think is hesitant to take it further because of what may happen in her work environment and so forth (its interesting that she would want you to stay at the job though...i mean its not like you guys would stop talking to each other entirely if you had left right?). You may be on to something when saying that she is trying act professional, but at times she just can't help but give in to your "charms." It sucks to be in the position your in because its hard to really read what she wants. I had a girl who would hardcore flirt with me (and i would return the favor) and really want me to do everything with her (we worked in a restaurant together). She would share food with me, drinks with me, sit with me, always come over and talk to me (i wouldnt do a thing) call me to hang out, and constantly look at me (with the "I want you" eyes). Unfortunately, she had a boyfriend (long distance relationship, poor girl, those things never work), and I had no interest in pursuing a girl thats already taken.

 

The best thing to do is to keep contact at a minimum. She was afraid to see you leave from your job (probably b/c she wouldnt see you as much), which is the strongest indicator of someone liking you. I guess just respond to her emails/texts/calls, but dont initiate anything (even when you go back to work). Also don't think too much about this, its easier on the mind when the focus isn't on a girl whose playing games. Simply refuse to play, and everything will be revealed in due time. Good luck and have a good break!

[Powermonger]

Well I won't pursue her further while I'm on holidays and see if she contacts me and I'll try not to think about her. I'd like to ask her whats going on but think that would do more harm then good, I think she'd shrink back and feel threatened and don't want to make things difficult at work.

 

I wish I was in a different position because as you say its difficult to know what she wants. She doesn't seem the type to be playing games and enjoy stringing guys along. She's holding back for some reason, I just wish I knew what that reason was.

[BlueEyedGirl]

She doesn't like you. She may value you as a co-worker and even enjoy your attention but it is clear that she doesn't want to go further than that.

[Powermonger]

Thought I'd dig up this old thread and post an update.

 

I've returned back to work now after having a couple of months off. While away I exchanged a few emails with the girl at work, I was the first initiator as I wanted to hear how she was going but she initiated some contact as well. I didn't try asking her out or anything while away though.

 

When I returned back to work, things were a little cool between us. Besides a simple hello I didn't want to make myself a nuisance with her as soon as I returned, she seemed a bit stand-offish as well. I did finally find out however she has no boyfriend which was comforting news.

 

I went home early one afternoon due to a severe headache and she texted me out of the blue that night to see if I was okay, something she has never done. I was a little surprised because her interactions with me through the week were minimal and I thought she had moved on.

 

Yesterday I was talking to her in the morning and I got to discussing about a long weekend trip I'm having this week and what I'll be getting up to with my friends. All of a sudden she got real coy and embarrassed and said it sounded like a very nice trip and hinted at wanting to go away with me.

 

I was caught a little off guard and told her I wanted to ask her a couple of weeks ago to come away with me and my friends but I didn't think she would want to go. I asked her if she would like to come and she started asking about sleeping arrangements, how long it was for and who was going. I told her it was for 4 days and that 4 of us were going: my married couple friends and a girl from my friends work who was invited along as she had nothing else to do (I don't even know her).

 

After I told her a little more she said she will pass this time as 4 days seemed a long time but might go with us if we organise another weekend away some other time. I felt a little deflated and wrote her a email later with more details about the trip to see if she would change her mind but she wouldn't.

 

Maybe it was too long to go with me for a weekend away and I also started thinking that she might think she will be in the way with this other girl going as well. My friends are not setting me up with this girl, just someone else to balance the group out but I probably didn't tell her enough about the circumstances.

 

At least I know now that she has feelings for me still, even if she does hide them away from me alot of the time, much as I do with her. At least I feel a little bit surer of where I stand with her but juggling a working demeanor and a much more friendlier one is difficult.

[Nowhere2Turn]

Thought I'd dig up this old thread and post an update.

 

I've returned back to work now after having a couple of months off. While away I exchanged a few emails with the girl at work, I was the first initiator as I wanted to hear how she was going but she initiated some contact as well. I didn't try asking her out or anything while away though.

 

When I returned back to work, things were a little cool between us. Besides a simple hello I didn't want to make myself a nuisance with her as soon as I returned, she seemed a bit stand-offish as well. I did finally find out however she has no boyfriend which was comforting news.

 

I went home early one afternoon due to a severe headache and she texted me out of the blue that night to see if I was okay, something she has never done. I was a little surprised because her interactions with me through the week were minimal and I thought she had moved on.

 

Yesterday I was talking to her in the morning and I got to discussing about a long weekend trip I'm having this week and what I'll be getting up to with my friends. All of a sudden she got real coy and embarrassed and said it sounded like a very nice trip and hinted at wanting to go away with me.

 

I was caught a little off guard and told her I wanted to ask her a couple of weeks ago to come away with me and my friends but I didn't think she would want to go. I asked her if she would like to come and she started asking about sleeping arrangements, how long it was for and who was going. I told her it was for 4 days and that 4 of us were going: my married couple friends and a girl from my friends work who was invited along as she had nothing else to do (I don't even know her).

 

After I told her a little more she said she will pass this time as 4 days seemed a long time but might go with us if we organise another weekend away some other time. I felt a little deflated and wrote her a email later with more details about the trip to see if she would change her mind but she wouldn't.

 

Maybe it was too long to go with me for a weekend away and I also started thinking that she might think she will be in the way with this other girl going as well. My friends are not setting me up with this girl, just someone else to balance the group out but I probably didn't tell her enough about the circumstances.

 

At least I know now that she has feelings for me still, even if she does hide them away from me alot of the time, much as I do with her. At least I feel a little bit surer of where I stand with her but juggling a working demeanor and a much more friendlier one is difficult.

 

Maybe try doin something lighter and more casual, go out for drinks or something. A 4 day trip seems kinda heavy when there's nerves involved.

[Kiss Dont Miss]

Your last update sounds encouraging. Hope you will spend some more time together, and she won't be that cold.

 

Go on trying, but don't be too persistent!

 

Best of luck!

 

I'm sure your care will melt her coldness!

 

Kiss dont Miss

[Powermonger]

Well I'm back from my weekend away and I'm just totally confused now.

 

While I was away I sent this girl a text message with a simple hello and saying that I wished we hadn't gone away for so long so she could've joined my us for the weekend as she was missed. She didn't reply and I wasn't expecting her to either.

 

This morning when I saw her she was really cold and didn't even say anything to me, just a small smile. I don't know if my text message was lost in translation but now I'm at a loss to why her demeanor to me would backflip. I thought the message I sent her was a nice gesture, I wasn't trying to make her feel guilty or anything, just that I missed not having her there for the weekend when she seemed so keen earlier in the week.

 

I don't think I'm ever going to understand this girl

[Balthazar]

What is there to understand?

Her actions speak volumes.

This woman is an attention seeker. All she craves is the validation of keeping you tied on a string. She does not care.

If she had any serious intent of pursuing a relationship, she would have jumped at the many chances that you have offered her. When a woman likes a guy, she wants to be with him.

Wake up and smell the coffee!

Even in you do actually date her and become a couple, can you imagine what this woman will be like to live with?

 

Forget her, and find yourself a woman who has true interest in you.

Cheers,

[BlueEyedGirl]

Well I'm back from my weekend away and I'm just totally confused now.

 

While I was away I sent this girl a text message with a simple hello and saying that I wished we hadn't gone away for so long so she could've joined my us for the weekend as she was missed. She didn't reply and I wasn't expecting her to either.

 

This morning when I saw her she was really cold and didn't even say anything to me, just a small smile. I don't know if my text message was lost in translation but now I'm at a loss to why her demeanor to me would backflip. I thought the message I sent her was a nice gesture, I wasn't trying to make her feel guilty or anything, just that I missed not having her there for the weekend when she seemed so keen earlier in the week.

 

I don't think I'm ever going to understand this girl

 

She doesn't like you, you are completly misreading the signals. She has never wanted to be asked to go to that trip - you misread that too. Now she can tell how interested you are and is trying to let you down easy by being cold and distant. After all you work together and of course there will be times where you exchange few sentences with her - it doesn't mean she wants to be your gf. You are reading WAY too much into things that are not there.

[Powermonger]

She doesn't like you, you are completly misreading the signals. She has never wanted to be asked to go to that trip - you misread that too. Now she can tell how interested you are and is trying to let you down easy by being cold and distant. After all you work together and of course there will be times where you exchange few sentences with her - it doesn't mean she wants to be your gf. You are reading WAY too much into things that are not there.

 

See that I don't accept, I didn't misread what she said. Why would she go to the trouble of practically inviting herself to go away with myself and my friends if she wasn't interested? I wasn't even hinting or speaking to her in such a way to make her think I had any intention of asking her, she brought it up herself but backed down when she heard how long it was for and/or who was going.

 

Anyway, whatever her story is I'm just going to ignore her now and move on as I'm tired of feeling like I'm going around in circles all the time.

[Balthazar]

Bottom Line

Disregard anything she says. Just look at what she does.

[BlueEyedGirl]

See that I don't accept, I didn't misread what she said. Why would she go to the trouble of practically inviting herself to go away with myself and my friends if she wasn't interested? I wasn't even hinting or speaking to her in such a way to make her think I had any intention of asking her, she brought it up herself but backed down when she heard how long it was for and/or who was going.

 

Anyway, whatever her story is I'm just going to ignore her now and move on as I'm tired of feeling like I'm going around in circles all the time.

 

Maybe she was just bored and making conversation, asking you details about where and with whom you are going etc. If you talked to a guy and he said the same things you wouldn't think twice about it. Obviously she didn't want to go or she would have gone with you. You also said that you initiate most of the contact, she didn't even bother to reply to your last text message. I really don't see any mixed signals here. I know the truth is hard to face but it is what it is.

[annie.g]

I agree with BlueEyedGirl and Balthazar. Since your very first post I was under the impression you were reading into things too much.

 

Actions speak (much) louder than words. You have given her plenty of opportunities to express her interest in you. She hasn't picked up on any of those signals. In fact, every time you moved forward she moved backward.

 

And you've been doing this for over a year? I think it's about time you stop trying. If she were interested in you, she would have gone out with you by now.

[AussieJack]

What is there to understand?

Her actions speak volumes.

This woman is an attention seeker. All she craves is the validation of keeping you tied on a string. She does not care.

If she had any serious intent of pursuing a relationship, she would have jumped at the many chances that you have offered her. When a woman likes a guy, she wants to be with him.

Wake up and smell the coffee!

Even in you do actually date her and become a couple, can you imagine what this woman will be like to live with?

 

Forget her, and find yourself a woman who has true interest in you.

Cheers,

 

This post is the best explanation so far .

 

I would further suggest that she also understands instinctively how to control others via the power of what the psych majors call " intermittent gratification " - sometimes also called "random rewards ".

THis is the "slot machine phenomenon ", and explains why,by way of example, why people return ,time and time , again to play the one arm bandits when they usually lose their money BUT occasionally win. The random win is enough gratification to HOOK the person into compulsive gambling - or in your case compulsively seeking someone's affection who has fed you crumbs, intermittently.

 

THe way to deal with this situation is the same as dealing with any other compulsive or addictive behavior and that is to eliminate your connectuion with the object of your compulsion.

That translates into NO CONTACT. NAda , zero, Zip, fini - das Ende..

 

It is NOT possible for you to change her behavior and have healthy a relationship with this women any more that it is possible for you to binge drink occasionally and NOT have a hangover afterwards.

 

( In street parlance, the tactic that she is using on you is also called "the push/pull game " and sometimes ," running hot and cold " . )