Mary3 Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 I have heard this phrase from a few men in the last six months : " I don't want to be alone ". ( One was from one I was interested in and one is from my friends last guy she was dating ) What does it mean ? Is he insecure ? Or afraid of the dark ? ( second one admitted to that ) I am not afraid to live alone or afraid of the dark . I am not afraid of being alone either. Well it gets lonely being single but the benefits of having my freedom and my own home are well...awesome ! So what does a guy mean when he says the above ?
Pyro Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 They can't bare to be by themselves, simple as that. A guy will usually say this after a break-up. Or they fear they will get old by themselves. Either way its an insecurity thing.
Author Mary3 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 They can't bare to be by themselves, simple as that. A guy will usually say this after a break-up. Or they fear they will get old by themselves. Either way its an insecurity thing. Thanks R. I thought it might be the case. I used to jump from relationship to relationship until I learned to be comfortable in my own skin. I think many ppl are never truly alone but if you can get there its an amazing comfortable feeling to rely on YOURSELF for your own happiness and not on another person to make it happen.
Pyro Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Thanks R. I thought it might be the case. I used to jump from relationship to relationship until I learned to be comfortable in my own skin. I think many ppl are never truly alone but if you can get there its an amazing comfortable feeling to rely on YOURSELF for your own happiness and not on another person to make it happen. Took me years of painful experiences to come to the same conclusion. It is a great feeling. I am in a happy relationship, but if it were to ever end, life wouldn't be over.
Author Mary3 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Exactly Riddler : You fill your life with your own interests in addition to hers but if someday she leaves your life , you will make it somehow
BentSpine Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 It means they have a wish for social contact. Most humans do. The more time they have spent involuntarily alone the more conscious of their longing for socialising and are able to verbalise it. It's up to you to judge if their longing is reasonable enough for whatever kind of relationship you consider to have with them. My advice though, is to be slow with the judging. I have found humans unfortunately have a poor ability to predict how they themselves would act unless they have been in a similiar situation.
Pyro Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 My advice though, is to be slow with the judging. I have found humans unfortunately have a poor ability to predict how they themselves would act unless they have been in a similiar situation. I have been there myself. At first, I felt alone and wanted companionship, but through time I learned how to make myself happy. It is something that people must learn, for the most part.
Author Mary3 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 I have been there myself. At first, I felt alone and wanted companionship, but through time I learned how to make myself happy. It is something that people must learn, for the most part. It is critical . A life skill. No-one can gaurantee that person will always be there. Through death or by circumstance we call all theoretically find ourselves alone. Its what we * do * with ourselves in that time of solitude that counts. Some turn to alcohol or some other form of substance. Some have long since learned that there are periods of aloneness and that we are going to be strong and make it through. We count on our close friends to talk to and our families. We dont want to succumb to adverse reactions of being vulnerable and take the first person that comes along and offers us company. That person could be very abusive and thats why you see some people staying in those types of relationships because its better than being alone . How sad
Pyro Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 It is critical . A life skill. No-one can gaurantee that person will always be there. Through death or by circumstance we call all theoretically find ourselves alone. Its what we * do * with ourselves in that time of solitude that counts. Some turn to alcohol or some other form of substance. Some have long since learned that there are periods of aloneness and that we are going to be strong and make it through. We count on our close friends to talk to and our families. We dont want to succumb to adverse reactions of being vulnerable and take the first person that comes along and offers us company. That person could be very abusive and thats why you see some people staying in those types of relationships because its better than being alone . How sad It is sad. That is one of the reasons why I am here. I would like to try and pass on the wisdom that I have gained throughout the years on this very subject matter.
alphamale Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 So what does a guy mean when he says the above ? depends on the context, innit? it could mean he wants 10 minutes of solitude in the bathroom or that he just wants to date many women on a casual basis. oh sorry, that was my answer for if he says he wants to be alone...oops
4givrnt4gtr Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Exactly Riddler : You fill your life with your own interests in addition to hers but if someday she leaves your life , you will make it somehow I learned that lesson in the last relationship i was in. I learned it when the guy dumped me out of the blue and I felt i couldnt deal with my life as it was without him in it. I felt he was the only seemingly good thing in it at the time and without him my life would be boring and painful. Instead of trying to get him back I changed my life to make it the way I wanted it to be so that I could be happy and fulfilled. I then vowed to never let that happen again. I now make sure that im happy with my job, keep my friendships alive and thriving, have set goals that I want and look forward to all of it. I am in a relationship with a great guy, but I know that if things were to go downhill, my life will not change much. I still have what i had before him and I will have them still after thim. In short, he is PART of my life, not MY life Im glad i was able to figure this one out rather early, otherwise, it would be a long list of heartaches
Author Mary3 Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 I learned that lesson in the last relationship i was in. I learned it when the guy dumped me out of the blue and I felt i couldnt deal with my life as it was without him in it. I felt he was the only seemingly good thing in it at the time and without him my life would be boring and painful. Instead of trying to get him back I changed my life to make it the way I wanted it to be so that I could be happy and fulfilled. I then vowed to never let that happen again. I now make sure that im happy with my job, keep my friendships alive and thriving, have set goals that I want and look forward to all of it. I am in a relationship with a great guy, but I know that if things were to go downhill, my life will not change much. I still have what i had before him and I will have them still after thim. In short, he is PART of my life, not MY life Im glad i was able to figure this one out rather early, otherwise, it would be a long list of heartaches This is so beautifully spoken ! A learning experience for life
OrangeSnack Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Sounds like the guy is lonely . Sounds like 4gir has had a lot of experiences. I like her confidence, and I think every girl should be like that. But no, he is not afraid of the dark. If he is, then well, he is a pansy or just joking around, trying to stir up a conversation with you
desertguy Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Insecurity, and some lonliness thrown in, but it's insecurity, pretty much. I really don't think one can have a true, lasting relationship unless one first has a good relationship with oneself. I've felt intense lonliness at times, everyone at some point has, but if you base your life and happiness on someone else, that just doesn't sound healthy to me. Once one can exist and have a meaningful life without another, then healthy relationships can follow. The whole initial statement probably isn't intended to, but sounds like emotional blackmail to me
torranceshipman Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I love my own company, lol! It's a big red flag to me if a guy is needy and always needs someone around. I actually miss the 'me time' when I get serious with a guy.
Lucasarts Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Well... to state the obvious, it means that "I don't want to be alone." Donno whats so hard about that. Delving deeper into the issue as to why they say it? Well thats a different story. One would first think of insecurity and loneliness as the main factors. Maybe its true maybe its not. Some people just grow up constantly depending others to support them (parents spoiling their child, early relationships that became long term ones) so when they do have to bear being single, its hard for them. Someone with all the confidence in the world can die alone, and would they still be considered insecure? When a guy says "I don't want to be alone" honestly its really the fear of not having that someone next to them in bed, or someone to talk to when they really need to (about the most intense, private things). I don't think its so much a long term fear of growing old alone and dying alone (such a depressing thought tho) but more of an intense need and desire to have someone that loves them and cares about them in every way. I think the guys who do confess this are just softies at heart and are very sensitive (just my opinion), as they are revealing a fear of theirs that most "real" men wouldn't admit to. It's funny to hear that though, because unless that person is truly an anti-social, awkward, hermit with no friends at all, you really can't die alone... (you have friends hopefully, family, those that you have touched/influenced in your life, etc).
Author Mary3 Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Insecurity, and some lonliness thrown in, but it's insecurity, pretty much. I really don't think one can have a true, lasting relationship unless one first has a good relationship with oneself. I've felt intense lonliness at times, everyone at some point has, but if you base your life and happiness on someone else, that just doesn't sound healthy to me. Once one can exist and have a meaningful life without another, then healthy relationships can follow. The whole initial statement probably isn't intended to, but sounds like emotional blackmail to me Awesome advice !
Author Mary3 Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Well... to state the obvious, it means that "I don't want to be alone." Donno whats so hard about that. Delving deeper into the issue as to why they say it? Well thats a different story. One would first think of insecurity and loneliness as the main factors. Maybe its true maybe its not. Some people just grow up constantly depending others to support them (parents spoiling their child, early relationships that became long term ones) so when they do have to bear being single, its hard for them. Someone with all the confidence in the world can die alone, and would they still be considered insecure? When a guy says "I don't want to be alone" honestly its really the fear of not having that someone next to them in bed, or someone to talk to when they really need to (about the most intense, private things). I don't think its so much a long term fear of growing old alone and dying alone (such a depressing thought tho) but more of an intense need and desire to have someone that loves them and cares about them in every way. I think the guys who do confess this are just softies at heart and are very sensitive (just my opinion), as they are revealing a fear of theirs that most "real" men wouldn't admit to. It's funny to hear that though, because unless that person is truly an anti-social, awkward, hermit with no friends at all, you really can't die alone... (you have friends hopefully, family, those that you have touched/influenced in your life, etc). Well here's where it gets strange. My friend was seeing this guy and he was in the middle of a seperation from a dramatic psycho girl (~ my friend witnessed this unfortunately ). My friend really has her stuff together , intelligent , loving , pretty and non-drama. She wanted the things that many women want , marriage and children. The guy goes back to the psycho girl who is unstable and he does not want the loving stability of my friend. He admitted to my friend that she was the best thing that happened to him but he can't fight off this monster ex gf ( which he went back to and unfortunately impregnated ) I know drama drama , lol. But because my friend was not able to be around him ( she worked 2 jobs ) he told her he felt lonely and went back to psycho girl...go figure...I think its deeper than feeling lonely. I thought guys do NOT want drama girls...?? Is that true guys ?? hehe...
Woggle Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Drama addicts come from both genders. I used to think that only women were addicted to drama but I was wrong. Also many men want the psycho girl with issues because they want to play the knight in shining armor and these type of women are very dependent and needy. I would rather have a woman that is more independent and wants a man because she loves him but some men are scared of this. Men like this are the male version of women that keep going back to men that cheat on them and abuse them.
Lucasarts Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Well here's where it gets strange. My friend was seeing this guy and he was in the middle of a seperation from a dramatic psycho girl (~ my friend witnessed this unfortunately ). My friend really has her stuff together , intelligent , loving , pretty and non-drama. She wanted the things that many women want , marriage and children. The guy goes back to the psycho girl who is unstable and he does not want the loving stability of my friend. He admitted to my friend that she was the best thing that happened to him but he can't fight off this monster ex gf ( which he went back to and unfortunately impregnated ) I know drama drama , lol. But because my friend was not able to be around him ( she worked 2 jobs ) he told her he felt lonely and went back to psycho girl...go figure...I think its deeper than feeling lonely. I thought guys do NOT want drama girls...?? Is that true guys ?? hehe... well i personally hate being involved in drama, but for some reason, as long as it doesn't involve me or really anyone i'm really close to, I do like to watch it happen. No i hate reality t.v cause thats unnecessary and bull**** drama, I'm talking about real-life, spur of the moment, in your face drama. So as a guy i don't want a drama queen or a pity me girl, i find it pretty pathetic when someone embodies either of these personas. As for your friend and her guy. Well, the circumstances as to why they couldn't stay together is common. She worked 2 jobs? that pretty much makes it hard to maintain any type of loving relationship; the guy probably felt "lonely" b/c he didnt see her nearly as much as he did the crazy one (and felt that he got more attention from her than your friend?). Also sounds like a "cop out" of the relationship; i don't know how genuine his statement of being lonely was, but if he said that to her as a reason why they couldn't be together...then i'd say thats good for your friend that it happened (means he's dependent and pretty needy).
Author Mary3 Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 well i personally hate being involved in drama, but for some reason, as long as it doesn't involve me or really anyone i'm really close to, I do like to watch it happen. No i hate reality t.v cause thats unnecessary and bull**** drama, I'm talking about real-life, spur of the moment, in your face drama. So as a guy i don't want a drama queen or a pity me girl, i find it pretty pathetic when someone embodies either of these personas. As for your friend and her guy. Well, the circumstances as to why they couldn't stay together is common. She worked 2 jobs? that pretty much makes it hard to maintain any type of loving relationship; the guy probably felt "lonely" b/c he didnt see her nearly as much as he did the crazy one (and felt that he got more attention from her than your friend?). Also sounds like a "cop out" of the relationship; i don't know how genuine his statement of being lonely was, but if he said that to her as a reason why they couldn't be together...then i'd say thats good for your friend that it happened (means he's dependent and pretty needy). My friend said she did understand why he felt lonely when she worked 2 jobs and he went back to the x gf. But still they had a plan ( my friend and him ) that ( because he made good money ) that she could move in with him , give up the afternoon job.......... . I just wished he could have been strong enough to let that happen and they could have gotten married and had the children they both wanted. But sadly the Monster X is pregnant so he did the ( right ? ) thing by going back to be with her and their upcoming baby. ( If in fact its even true that she's pregnant ~ We all wonder about that since she's not talking to her family about it but has convienantly gotten pregnant so he would stay with her Psycho Crazy self...) lol, Drama Yuck !
Lucasarts Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 ahhhh more backstory, okay so i guess he was trying to do the right thing for his potential son? fatherhood can make a man change and try to be a good role model (staying with the kid's mother, trying to become a family again). No matter who he pregnates, its still going to be his child, and he bears a responsibility to the kid. It just seemed like your friend got involved with a man who had a tough decision to make, and she wasn't chosen. And yes it would be scummy if she used a fake pregnancy as a ploy to bring the guy back. If i found out about that, I'd do terrible things.
Author Mary3 Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 ahhhh more backstory, okay so i guess he was trying to do the right thing for his potential son? fatherhood can make a man change and try to be a good role model (staying with the kid's mother, trying to become a family again). No matter who he pregnates, its still going to be his child, and he bears a responsibility to the kid. It just seemed like your friend got involved with a man who had a tough decision to make, and she wasn't chosen. And yes it would be scummy if she used a fake pregnancy as a ploy to bring the guy back. If i found out about that, I'd do terrible things. She is very whack and would resort to doing something just like that : faking a pregnancy. According to the guy they went to the doctor together and ( whether the girl came out of the room and told him , Yup I preggers , or if he actually stood in front of the doc and doc said helooooo daddy....we just dont know. ) I totally understand him doing the noble thing for his soon to be child but who says ppl have to Marry ? I heard that marrying because you are pregnant has a 90% failure rate. I mean you can be a dad and you can be there but why walk down the aisle ? He is doing what he thinks is right and we are not walking in his shoes . I dont see a great outcome with this because this girl is so nutso and very controlling / jealous and checks his phone and all that distrusting stuff...
Lucasarts Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 its really hard to say; I'm not in his position, nor would I like to be anytime soon. Having a child completely changes everything, as it means that you have a huge responsibility and commitment now. How you choose to approach this varies on what you think is the right or wrong way to handle it. This guy apparently believes that if he can help this child become something better than who he is (as well as his psycho g/f) then maybe he'll feel more fulfilled? I don't think its about the outcome when he chose to do what he did. Maybe he sees a better future or a chance at redemption (?) if he can raise a kid the best he can without letting him see the flaws or problems between the mother and father (although like you said, the success rate of that is quite small). It's hard to say whether he did the right or wrong thing, but only time will tell.
Star Gazer Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 When a guy says "I don't want to be alone" honestly its really the fear of not having that someone next to them in bed, or someone to talk to when they really need to (about the most intense, private things). I don't think its so much a long term fear of growing old alone and dying alone (such a depressing thought tho) but more of an intense need and desire to have someone that loves them and cares about them in every way. I think the guys who do confess this are just softies at heart and are very sensitive (just my opinion), as they are revealing a fear of theirs that most "real" men wouldn't admit to. I find this thread really interesting. BF said "I don't want to end up alone" to me once too, but more in reference to the way his own father has wound up - almost, quite literally, alone. Despite the fact that he has many people who love him and care about him, I think he goes through cycles of this sort of loneliness... Not sure how that will ever be fixed?
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