PerfectLee Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 My GF & I have been dating for 3 years now & we are now engaged. Our relationship has had many downs & challenges, it's made us a very strong couple. We couldn't be happier with anyone else. About once every 6 months I notice that my GF gets a little curious about how her ex is doing. She doesn't communicate with her ex by any means. She has a lot of guilt (not so much anymore because she's in a relationship w/me & far happier) about her past relationship with her ex, how she treated her ex etc... They were more like friends in their 5 years. It's been about 4 years now since, and don't get me wrong...I'm not worried in the least that she's considering or desiring any part of her ex or wanting to leave me. My question is this: Is it normal after 4 yrs to still be curious about whether your ex is well? How they're doing? What's been your experiences? She found out that her ex is now happily married & her genuine comment about it was "Oh, I'm glad she's happy." I guess for me, with my LTR's before her...I honestly don't care whether my ex's are okay! They are ex's for a reason! I know everyone isn't like me, but is this going to continue? Once we're married, will it continue 10 years from now? Maybe I'm freaking out over nothing & "nothing" has actually happened. To answer a few questions I know will come up: I know she gets curious about every 6 months because I've come across some of her ex's websites on accident that my GF visits (nothing explicit), overhearing her talking to her best friend about her ex, and once in awhile she'll ask a mutual friend of theirs how her ex is doing. Secondly, the guilt she feels is primarily about how she treated her ex during the course of their relationship. Basically, she had a "I don't care about you" type of attitude and wasn't in love, although stuck w/it for 5 yrs. They were an on/off young couple that were just friends not lovers & they constantly cheated on each other in hopes of finding someone better. This is one reason why she won't treat me nearly like that, she's in love w/me & respects me on all levels. So maybe I'm over-thinking this for the simple fact that maybe she's just curious out of the guilt she feels & wants her ex to be happy, even if it's without her. There aren't any intentions behind it, so why do I find this so odd?
WhiteKnight Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Well PerfectLee I have to say that this is a possibilty. Let me say this broadly for you. If an ex wanted to commnuicate, they would have done so. If the person who broke up with the other person and wanted to become friends, the friendship between them would be delicate but going through heaps of healing before the day they do end up getting along as good friends. Personally, well I had my ex's look at my personal website's or web places wondering what I am up to, same with me looking at theirs but in the end I gave up doing it a lot. I do it once every 8 months now because I am getting to the point that I just want to see them happy and not worried about them anymore. I think it is normal about people thinking about their ex's of the past and wondering how they are doing and so forth. My current gf does it once in awhile just like your partner does and asks her friends to see how they are but if its something disappointing she criticises them a lot. 3 years ago, I tried to find out how my first girlfriend is doing because it was on my mind back then. Wondering how she is but found out she treats me like crap behind my back and even says if I were to 'appear' on a chat room she would despise me and put me down. Not good but as time wained I got over her truly and never saw her details again. However one of my recent ex's tried to come back to my life as a 'best buddy', she tried to convince me for going to a landmark course to do counselling and all but I rejected her idea. My current partner did not enjoy it at all and I could see the tension very much so. Through time I got to the point of despite looking at my ex's websites, and noticing the good or bad things that she is doing online. It got to the point I know the truth about her. So what I ended up doing was slowly moving away from the 'ex' and cutting her off slowly, without her realising it. Removing her contact details off my mobile phone, blocking her emails, avoiding the question when asked to give her my contact details with something else. In the end, I think she got the hint I didn't want to be contacted anymore. In the end I was rather glad that I did because she was I guess desperate but yea, I know for fact that my ex appeared to be unstable so I didn't know what she was going to do with me honestly, I jumped in the wrong conclusion and she got all stroppy over it. So I went 'go figure'. However back to the main point - With your current partner PerfectLee (PL) I would be always be cautious about her motives. Once in awhile take her out on dinner or give her special gifts and keep her happy. With an ex being happy against your current partner, the rule of thumb is that everyone gets a bit jealous that they are not having fun or happy with what they have, so in order to prove that you are the man of their life. Go hardcore and spoil her, treat her like she means a lot to you and perhaps encourage her not to worry about the ex anymore because she knows they are fine. If during the time period when you get married, your wife would be interested to become friends with her ex, she might be sincere or not. However I think having an online friendship is fine but you gotta make sure your partner is very loyal to you. If she checks her ex's website frequently than she should, time for you to intervene and talk about it briefly. See what her real motives are. Probably knowing her, she's just curious to see if her ex's are doing fine despite of the rough past. I know some of my female friends feel sad about how they mistreated their ex because of the break up and how bad it was. They usually say that they think about their ex a lot of the time but try to figure out how to overcome the mistakes they did despite how it ended up. Hoping they would become friends, majority of the cases... not all ex's become good friends. If there is anything else, feel free to comment.
Missy27 Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 I would be more worried about her track record for cheating than for her curiosity about the ex ~
Trecherized Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 I would be more worried about her track record for cheating than for her curiosity about the ex ~ I agree. I don't see a good reason for being too curious about an ex. Move forward!
torranceshipman Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I keep in touch with my ex boyfriends if they are really cute lol! :D I've got back with two ex boyfriends for some lovely dates but not as a really serious thing (but we are friends and care a lot for eachother so its nice to hang our n flirt -plus there is still chemistry!) Anyhoo...Your girlf sounds like she's just showing concern for the happiness of someone who was once important to her, in her past. I think that's normal and nice of her, and I doubt there is anything negative in it, so you don'thave anything to worry about!
Author PerfectLee Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 Go hardcore and spoil her, treat her like she means a lot to you and perhaps encourage her not to worry about the ex anymore because she knows they are fine. WhiteKnight-thanks for your post. I took her out on a date a few days after she found out & it didn't go too well. I asked her a question last night and her response was "I don't regret ending it, but I regret the ways I treated my ex plus the bad way it ended. But I don't regret the relationship or meeting you.... You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." So I know that she's struggling w/how she treated her ex and trying to just get passed it once and for all. Missy27-I'm not worried in the least about the whole cheating thing. I was in the beginning of the relationship but not anymore. We've been together for 3 years & we're very happy, recently engaged. I understand why they both went outside the relationship, they were more like a brother/sister relationship & they felt trapped with each other. Thankfully they both found someone that makes them happier and they are both truly in love. Your girlf sounds like she's just showing concern for the happiness of someone who was once important to her, in her past. I think that's normal and nice of her, and I doubt there is anything negative in it, so you don'thave anything to worry about! Thanks TorranceShipman.
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