Author spookie Posted January 18, 2008 Author Share Posted January 18, 2008 With my nerdy Mr. AS, I've been taking all the initiative (but gently) as I remember how it felt to be awkward and how I desperately just wanted someone nice to lead. Today, he writes me this: "The rest of the plan seems golden. This is shaping up to be one of the most unique/fun/interesting weeks that I think I've had in Austin. :+D" So, I feel better. I think what I'm adding to the R is all the fun. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Unless we're talking about the awkward, nerdy guys at school with very few friends "nerds" aren't really as insecure as you people think I consider my bf a nerd. He went to an engineering college, CS major, works in tech field. Our friends are nerds too (Ph.D.s in chemistry, engineering) Yet all these people have active social lives and other hobbies as well. These are not the out of shape, insecure, stereotypical nerds (maybe they were in HS ) They are attractive, successful, happy and highly intelligent people. Like all other men they want someone they are attracted to, share similar interests with and so on. Only difference is they'll probably even more turned off by a stupid woman than most guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Saxis Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 *Pokes head around corner....* Is it safe to come out yet?? So much nerd bashing going on, I'm scared ****less to post anything. The barbie that treated me like crap was always trying to change me. I'm starting to think the only reason I stayed with her was because it was attention that I never had before. Directed in the wrong way, but it was still someone showing interest in me. Nerds can be VERY social with other nerds and even outgoing. In my experience, nerdy women that actually understand us are VERY few and far between. But I agree with GoodOnPaper. It's easy for nerds to learn, but I wouldn't limit it to the sciences. I'd say if you don't share at least some of his interests and understand them, you're probably not going to have good luck dating him. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 I personally think a lot of non-nerds simply don't have the emotional intelligence to be friends with someone they perceive as different than themselves. Too much nerd bashing here. It's true, a lot of nerds grow into their confidence after college in their mid to late 20's. We often date less or start dating later. Part of that is because in college, the majors we choose are more demanding and we don't have as much time for dating. Nerds also are more motivated/likely to go to graduate school so they must spend even more time studying than socializing. People work hard in all sorts of majors, but I'd bet that the hardest working pyschology/english major is equivalent to the average physics/math major. The most difficult week in those programs is the average week in others. I am not knocking those fields of study or the intelligence or work ethics of those who study them. I respect people who studied those programs, but on average I do believe they are less work, and people in those programs had, in my experience, more time to socialize. So it's not that nerds don't have the skills, it's that they are not well oiled. Many nerds after college suddenly have a well paying job, free time for socializing, and suddenly possess a lot of confidence. Additionally, it's often your own lack of social skills that prevents you from interacting with a nerd. Imagine this conversation. "So what did you study in college?" "Physics." "Why? Physics sucks. It's hard." Automatically, that conversation is doomed because of the negative vibe. While the physics major may lack the social grace to say "actually, it's awesome" or present his passion in an interesting yet graspable way, the other person has responsibility too. However, I do know the type of excessive nerd that can't be reached. I am getting my PhD. I want out of academics because of the nerds. I just don't connect with many people. Some nerds are severely lacking in social skills and emotional intelligence. This does not mean that people with nerdy qualities are automatically like that. Spookie, in your case, your guy has Aspergers syndrome. It's not his fault. He's not going to understand certain subtextual cues -- flirting for example -- and it has nothing to do with confidence or social skills. It's really not his fault. If you want to connect with him, be yourself. He's passionate about things. What he'll mostly want is for you to listen to him speak passionately. It may even sound like he is lecturing at times, but in reality, it is because he thinks what he is talking about is really really cool. Link to post Share on other sites
fishtaco Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 I think people should not assume the nerd bashing here applies to all nerds. Spookie did a good job listing out the exact flavor of the type of nerd she's into. The bashing here applies to those nerds; the ones that are socially inept and seriously need to get smacked upside the head to get a clue. Especially the ones that make it worse by whining. oppath, saxis, allina and others I believe are talking about nerds in general. Like oppath said, some nerds have broken through their shells, they just do it later than the normal person. That's great. But they are not the ones spookie is attracted to, and they are not the ones we were (at least I was) bashing. In fact as an ex-nerd that has evolved into something that's not a nerd anymore, I'd like to pat them on the back and say good job. The ones I was bashing on are the the stubborn ones that refuse to move, which happens to be the type that spookie is attracted to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spookie Posted January 18, 2008 Author Share Posted January 18, 2008 I think people should not assume the nerd bashing here applies to all nerds. Spookie did a good job listing out the exact flavor of the type of nerd she's into. The bashing here applies to those nerds; the ones that are socially inept and seriously need to get smacked upside the head to get a clue. Especially the ones that make it worse by whining. oppath, saxis, allina and others I believe are talking about nerds in general. Like oppath said, some nerds have broken through their shells, they just do it later than the normal person. That's great. But they are not the ones spookie is attracted to, and they are not the ones we were (at least I was) bashing. In fact as an ex-nerd that has evolved into something that's not a nerd anymore, I'd like to pat them on the back and say good job. The ones I was bashing on are the the stubborn ones that refuse to move, which happens to be the type that spookie is attracted to. Yup. As an ex-nerd myself, I can distinguish between the varying flavors, and I am NOT talking about successful, intelligent, passionate people. I'm talking about the guys in the corners that talk to themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 I'm talking about the guys in the corners that talk to themselves. I don't think those are the nerds Link to post Share on other sites
peace_pipe Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 I think most "nice guy nerds" as you call them want to be left alone. They've been beaten down by women so many times that they've replaced women with something more fulfilling to them. One tip though, you might have better luck if you didn't label guys as "nice guy nerd"... not a good line Link to post Share on other sites
peace_pipe Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 You already know it. Learn to be yourself, no matter what other people might think. I think this is the understatement of the year... and not just directed to the original poster. It took me way too long to realize this myself. It's quite an empowering feeling, walking down the street, with your head held high... NOT GIVING A LIVING **** what others think. It's a powerful way to live. And you'll be much happier... trust me Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 I don't think those are the nerds No, they're my clients. Link to post Share on other sites
OrangeSnack Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 Coming from someone with similar backgrounds, I don't think some of you truly understand why nerds are hard to get with. THE MAIN REASON IS THAT THEY ARE INEXPERIENCED. Not because their insecure or socially inept. Those bashful meanings do not apply to nerds at all. They are just inexperienced. You have to understand and expect little from them. It is a learning process for them to go out with someone who is more, lets say popular than them. So trying to get their attention may be hard. But don't worry, nerds have friends too and they go to their friends for suggestions and opinions about girls. The best way to try and get their attention, like one of the replies i have read is to: be interested in what their interested in. Talk to them and give them hints. I'm sure one of them will be interested and have the guts to ask you out! Give it some time and let them develop some communication with you. Let them gain some experience before you can have high expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 You need to rent the movie "Revenge of the Nerds." Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 Coming from someone with similar backgrounds, I don't think some of you truly understand why nerds are hard to get with. THE MAIN REASON IS THAT THEY ARE INEXPERIENCED. Not because their insecure or socially inept. Those bashful meanings do not apply to nerds at all. They are just inexperienced. You have to understand and expect little from them. It is a learning process for them to go out with someone who is more, lets say popular than them. I had a very short lived fling with a "nerd." Incredibly smart, but also incredibly awkward. I thought I did EVERYTHING IN MY POWER to let him know I liked him, but he fled/blew me off and I never saw him again. I thought maybe he was just an undercover *******, but maybe he just didn't know what to do! But, I agree with Spookie -- I want a "nerd." Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 Id say they want to do things to you naked Link to post Share on other sites
Author spookie Posted January 20, 2008 Author Share Posted January 20, 2008 Id say they want to do things to you naked I dunno about that. I think that's the whole point of what makes it so difficult with them. With nerds, it's more complicated than just sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 If you want to consider intellectuals as nerds, they expect an array of conversational topics. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 If you want to consider intellectuals as nerds, they expect an array of conversational topics.did you ever consider yourself a nerd? Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 no i don't think you should...just start reading up on particle physics, the grand unification theory and artifical intelligence. good to see you back and in fine form at that Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 did you ever consider yourself a nerd? I've never been called one before but if you want to be the first, go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
peace_pipe Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 I had a very short lived fling with a "nerd." Incredibly smart, but also incredibly awkward. I thought I did EVERYTHING IN MY POWER to let him know I liked him, but he fled/blew me off and I never saw him again. I thought maybe he was just an undercover *******, but maybe he just didn't know what to do! But, I agree with Spookie -- I want a "nerd." Or maybe he just wasn't into you, and it had nothing to do with being a nerd or gay. I love it when I brush a woman off and she plays the "gay" card.... whatever gets you through the day.. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 I've never had any trouble reeling in any other type of man (artist, musician, frat-boy, religious maniac, wino, pot-head, player, corporate drone... you name it) but the geeky nice guys elude me. You know the type... smart, knowledgeable, respectful, introverted, inexperienced, interested in science and computers. CS majors Physics people. Engineers. It's always ironic to me to read alleged nice guys' winy posts about how women go for players, because ALL MY LIFE I have pined away for precisely the inexperienced nerds, with craptastic results. It seems I've got everyone else convinced that I'm a good catch for being smart, funny, interesting, friendly, and attractive; so with non-nerds I am confident and I enjoy my time, and as a result am FUN to be around. But with the guys I actually want... it's like I lose myself. I become aware of how I can't measure up, how I'm not knowledgeable enough, risk-averse enough; too social; how I used to be a stripper and have had done way too many drugs. The guy I'm dating now... I like him so much. He's everything I've been looking for. And because of this, I am lost. I don't know how to be "myself" because when I think about it, I don't know what the he!! I have to offer. Should I give up on my hopes of dating a nerd? Why do you feel insecure around the type of man you want? If anything, it should be comforting to you (and an ego boost) that when you meet a guy you really like and connect with you CAN just be yourself and they'll like you for who you are. I used to think like this, Spooky. Whenever I'd meet a woman that met or exceeded my expectations, I got inscure. It wasn't that I didn't feel good enough, it was always that she would find something out about me that she didn't like and leave me for it. Now I don't worry about it anymore. I am who I am and if I find someone who loves me for who I am, great. I won't stress about it. I can't change much about who I am and what I am now is light years beyond what I used to be. Insecurity is hard to get rid of and when you do, confidence needs to be revisited every day. You work on it like you brush your teeth and take a shower so that it becomes a part of your natural daily activities. The next time you feel those insecurties building up inside you, remind yourself that you ARE good enough for anyone and that THEY can be just as insecure in regards to you. Gotta love yourself before you can learn how to love others effetively and before they can really love you. Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
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