What do nice-guy NERDS want?

[spookie]

I've never had any trouble reeling in any other type of man (artist, musician, frat-boy, religious maniac, wino, pot-head, player, corporate drone... you name it) but the geeky nice guys elude me.

 

You know the type... smart, knowledgeable, respectful, introverted, inexperienced, interested in science and computers. CS majors Physics people. Engineers.

 

It's always ironic to me to read alleged nice guys' winy posts about how women go for players, because ALL MY LIFE I have pined away for precisely the inexperienced nerds, with craptastic results.

 

It seems I've got everyone else convinced that I'm a good catch for being smart, funny, interesting, friendly, and attractive; so with non-nerds I am confident and I enjoy my time, and as a result am FUN to be around.

 

But with the guys I actually want... it's like I lose myself. I become aware of how I can't measure up, how I'm not knowledgeable enough, risk-averse enough; too social; how I used to be a stripper and have had done way too many drugs.

 

The guy I'm dating now... I like him so much. He's everything I've been looking for. And because of this, I am lost. I don't know how to be "myself" because when I think about it, I don't know what the he!! I have to offer.

 

Should I give up on my hopes of dating a nerd?

[Racquel Colette]

You need to read the book Why Men Love Bitches. It is not about being a bitch, but about being yourself and being loved for who you are, not because you kiss the guy's ass. Seriously, read it. You'll get the guy. it's not pop psychology or strategies to get the guy, it's really common sense. You will be more happily fulfilled, also, whether you end up with this guy or not.

[Cobra_X30]

I've never had any trouble reeling in any other type of man (artist, musician, frat-boy, religious maniac, wino, pot-head, player, corporate drone... you name it) but the geeky nice guys elude me.

 

You know the type... smart, knowledgeable, respectful, introverted, inexperienced, interested in science and computers. CS majors Physics people. Engineers.

 

It's always ironic to me to read alleged nice guys' winy posts about how women go for players, because ALL MY LIFE I have pined away for precisely the inexperienced nerds, with craptastic results.

 

It seems I've got everyone else convinced that I'm a good catch for being smart, funny, interesting, friendly, and attractive; so with non-nerds I am confident and I enjoy my time, and as a result am FUN to be around.

 

But with the guys I actually want... it's like I lose myself. I become aware of how I can't measure up, how I'm not knowledgeable enough, risk-averse enough; too social; how I used to be a stripper and have had done way too many drugs.

 

The guy I'm dating now... I like him so much. He's everything I've been looking for. And because of this, I am lost. I don't know how to be "myself" because when I think about it, I don't know what the he!! I have to offer.

 

Should I give up on my hopes of dating a nerd?

 

LOL...

 

These guys often have the lowest expectations in some categories. You dont have to be a rocket scientist, or a super model. Just accept them, and sometimes build them up. Show interest in what they do... and in them.

 

Do that and you should not lose.

[crazy_grl]

In my experience dating these types, they were massively insecure and want a barbie doll who'll treat them like crap. Not even a really hot girl who treats them well will do. Their insecurity leads them to believe that if a girl treats them well and makes efforts to pursue them to overcome their shy, nerdiness, that it means that she's not good enough. I think of all the guys I've dated, this is most true of the nerdy guys.

 

I'm sure there are plenty that aren't like this, but I'm done with those types. They're more trouble than they're worth... unless they happen to be Latin. Then I'll give 'em a chance, but sometimes they're still more trouble than they're worth.

 

If that hasn't talked you out of going after nerds, then the best advice I have for you is that the first step is to stop worrying about these things that you think make you not good enough for them. There are some who would find a social, ex-stripper who takes risks to be the greatest woman in the world. And if they don't, that's their problem, right?

[maria22]

'nice guys' .. what can I say be careful when looking for a nice guy.

 

The type of men who whine about how girls only like 'players' are the same men you find calling all women bitches. This is mainly due to the fact that these whiners harbour secret crushes on girls who are their total opposites, good looking, smart, headstrong, confident.. females who have spines.

 

Don't be afraid to be yourself.

 

Don't give up hope of finding a good guy, an emotionally balanced, non whining open- minded guy. You will find him, I strongly believe that there is someone for everyone in this world. If you are afraid of what a certain guy thinks of you, then maybe you shouldn't be with him after all.

 

I can relate to everything you said, I've dated 'nice guys' and 'players' and it's one extreme to the other.. arghh..

 

Be yourself, and you will attract someone like you, someone you deserve.

[Els]

Well, I'm with one (self-admitted, too) at the moment. But then again, I'm very much the same, just of the opposite gender.

 

I dunno, I don't think you can categorize that way. Just because a group of guys have the same lifestyle and interests doesn't mean that they all want the same thing from their partner -- it varies like everyone else. I'm sure that basically they want the same things most other men do (which is still largely a mystery to me -- I suppose companionship, acceptance, and connection are a few). It would be easier if you actually were interested in some of the things that he does, for us nerds usually have strong passions about nerdy stuff and love to have someone to talk to about it.

 

Good luck, spookie!

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Learn how to do the vulcan death grip! lol

[fishtaco]

The issue here is inexperienced. Any inexperienced person, man or woman, will require a lot of baby sitting in a relationship. I'm sure we all know walking into the sunset holding hands just doesn't happen. That part crazy girl is right on the money -- they are more trouble than they're worth. But this applies to any inexperienced person, including some non-nerdy ones.

 

Right off the bat they won't understand the flirting phase. So your normal way of doing the jedi mind trick thing to get some guy to ask you out won't work. You have to be the aggressor. Then the signals you get back will be all whacked out because they don't know how to properly respond. Sometimes they respond by running away. You have to basically act like the Latin guys that crazy girl loves so much. Be persistent and stalk them until they give in. This part has to do with being shy/introverted combined with inexperience and lack of self confidence, again applies to anyone with these attributes, not just nerds.

 

I think you start to lose confidence because you're not getting the same feedback, and you interpret this as you losing ground. But really it's because they're the ones messing up and not following the social procedure. Maybe then you bail out prematurely?

 

I guess once you have them trained, they are generally loyal, low maintenance, and usually have good jobs. Plus you buy them some cool gadget or the hot video game (optionally with their own credit card, or better yet, give them permission to buy it themselves with their own money... haha!) then they'll be out of your hair for weeks.

 

But the big question is... why? I've spend significant amount of effort climbing out of the nerdy nice-guy category, because they are the pond scum of the dating pool. I find it extremely odd that some woman would actively seek out those guys, other than for the the reason that they're ready to marry and they want someone with a stable job to pay for their living expenses (I assume you have a genuine fetish for nerds, and not a financially based motive).

 

Nice guy nerds are lucky to get any woman at all. They just don't understand the process. So I think if you're persistent and sort of close your eyes and push forward, you should be able to get one. Well, good luck.

[Mary3]

I've dated the Nerds and with that ...they get great confidance being with a sexy girl like me ...and then they get a big head and Ego , take all my training and try out for the big world. Then they end up with a fattty nerdy girl as their fiance. My bad...go figure...

[Phateless]

I've never had any trouble reeling in any other type of man (artist, musician, frat-boy, religious maniac, wino, pot-head, player, corporate drone... you name it) but the geeky nice guys elude me.

 

You know the type... smart, knowledgeable, respectful, introverted, inexperienced, interested in science and computers. CS majors Physics people. Engineers.

 

It's always ironic to me to read alleged nice guys' winy posts about how women go for players, because ALL MY LIFE I have pined away for precisely the inexperienced nerds, with craptastic results.

 

It seems I've got everyone else convinced that I'm a good catch for being smart, funny, interesting, friendly, and attractive; so with non-nerds I am confident and I enjoy my time, and as a result am FUN to be around.

 

But with the guys I actually want... it's like I lose myself. I become aware of how I can't measure up, how I'm not knowledgeable enough, risk-averse enough; too social; how I used to be a stripper and have had done way too many drugs.

 

The guy I'm dating now... I like him so much. He's everything I've been looking for. And because of this, I am lost. I don't know how to be "myself" because when I think about it, I don't know what the he!! I have to offer.

 

Should I give up on my hopes of dating a nerd?

 

Most nerds, and engineers especially, have very poor emotional intelligence, and that's the reason they don't have dates. They either have NO CLUE that you're into them (believe it!) or they've become so accustomed to rejection that they think there's a catch to your advances. You're gonna have to do everything, in most cases. They want an intelligent girl who understands their way of thinking. Good luck.

[fishtaco]

I've dated the Nerds and with that ...they get great confidance being with a sexy girl like me ...and then they get a big head and Ego , take all my training and try out for the big world. Then they end up with a fattty nerdy girl as their fiance. My bad...go figure...

 

Yeah, that's another good point. Usually when you train someone, you end up training them for the next person they date, not for yourself.

 

Hey, fatty nerdy girls need love too.

[Trialbyfire]

Ahem...'geers are pretty cool. I've dated a couple and of the ones we partied with, they were fine. No drugs though but whoah, they can drink.

[BlueEyedGirl]

In my experience dating these types, they were massively insecure and want a barbie doll who'll treat them like crap. Not even a really hot girl who treats them well will do. Their insecurity leads them to believe that if a girl treats them well and makes efforts to pursue them to overcome their shy, nerdiness, that it means that she's not good enough. I think of all the guys I've dated, this is most true of the nerdy guys.

 

 

I used to be really into those types. But this is 100% right. They have all ended up with girls that are extremly manipulative and bossy and very bitchy. They like women who dominate, tell them what to do and are mean to them. I have had much better luck with any other type of men.

 

They will also make you fell unattractive as they don't respond to sexual cues at all. You will have to initiate completly there too. It's a killer for your self confidence.

[Trimmer]

You know the type... smart, knowledgeable, respectful, introverted, inexperienced, interested in science and computers. CS majors Physics people. Engineers.

The lowest of the low, the dregs of the earth, the bottom of the barrel, the last cookies in the jar, the insecure, fatty-nerd-girl-marrying, whiny, low-emotional-intelligence, sexually passive, pond-scum-of-the-dating-pool, socially incompetent, broadly categorizable nerds.... yeah, I know the type...

 

But with the guys I actually want... it's like I lose myself. I become aware of how I can't measure up, how I'm not knowledgeable enough, risk-averse enough; too social; how I used to be a stripper and have had done way too many drugs.

Now, I'm not being sarcastic any more, but I read comments above that suggest that "this type" is at once both insecure and inexperienced, and yet at the same time superior and feels like you don't match up... It's kinda all over the map here.

 

It sounds to me like you feel like you know "how to act" with other types of people (how to "reel them in..."), but what it comes down to with your current guy is that you know you need to be yourself, but you're not sure who that is. Is that really his issue, or might it be yours?

 

You say you are dating, so he's obviously not rejecting you... Is your discomfort coming from your realization that in this relationship, instead of figuring out which character you need to act out, you realize that you need to understand who you are and to be that person, and you are a little uncertain of just how that works?

 

Listen to yourself:

 

The guy I'm dating now... I like him so much. He's everything I've been looking for. And because of this, I am lost. I don't know how to be "myself" because when I think about it, I don't know what the he!! I have to offer.

Your subject asks the question "what does he want?" Perhaps in order to find your healthy place in this relationship, instead of focusing on making yourself into what he wants, you should listen to that instinct that is telling you that you first need to figure out who you are yourself. Maybe that's what he wants.

Edited January 18, 2008 by Trimmer

[spookie]

The lowest of the low, the dregs of the earth, the bottom of the barrel, the last cookies in the jar, the insecure, fatty-nerd-girl-marrying, whiny, low-emotional-intelligence, sexually passive, pond-scum-of-the-dating-pool, socially incompetent, broadly categorizable nerds.... yeah, I know the type...

 

 

Now, I'm not being sarcastic any more, but I read comments above that suggest that "this type" is at once both insecure and inexperienced, and yet at the same time superior and feels like you don't match up... It's kinda all over the map here.

 

It sounds to me like you feel like you know "how to act" with other types of people (how to "reel them in..."), but what it comes down to with your current guy is that you know you need to be yourself, but you're not sure who that is. Is that really his issue, or might it be yours?

 

You say you are dating, so he's obviously not rejecting you... Is your discomfort coming from your realization that in this relationship, instead of figuring out which character you need to act out, you realize that you need to understand who you are and to be that person, and you are a little uncertain of just how that works?

 

Listen to yourself:

 

 

Your subject asks the question "what does he want?" Perhaps in order to find your healthy place in this relationship, instead of focusing on making yourself into what he wants, you should listen to that instinct that is telling you that you first need to figure out who you are yourself. Maybe that's what he wants.

 

Dayum Trimmer, way to hit the nail on the head!

 

My ENTIRE life for the past... I don't know... 4 years? has been based on the "the world is my stage" philosophy. I've been twisting myself into whatever personality is fitting, depending on who I was with. There's a "me" in there somewhere, and my closest friends sometimes get a glimpse of this person (I think she also comes out when I write, something I'd never done until I broke up with my ex in May) but the easiest way for me to deal with social situations is to fabricate entertaining personalities. I'm a professional actress (and a recovering alcoholic and compulsive liar).

 

I think I'm drawn to "nerds" because to me that feels like going back to my roots. I may not have a whole lot in common with them now, but because I see so much of "the real me" in many of them, it's like I lose my ability to act (cause I think, who am I kidding?) and instead this desire to be a better person, who actually uses her potential, comes out.

 

Before I decided four years ago that I wanted to find out about people and be social (and learned how to act to accomplish this) I was the epitome of nerd. I was so nerdy the other nerds wouldn't even talk to me. I skipped school because it was painful to be the odd person out when everyone else paired up for projects. I ate lunch alone in the bathroom and then sat on the toilet reading books, hoping no one would recognize my shoes from underneath the door. I took calculus in 8th grade at the high school in the mornings, where it literally HURT to go (cause of all the older kids that looked at me like I was a freak)... and then got beat up at my normal school for "thinking I was better" than everyone else for doing this. I was paaaainfully shy. I guess I still am (I've just found ways to cope).

 

So you are right when you say this guy is triggering an identity crisis in me. I like him because in him I see the opportunity to find myself again, after years of running away. And yet, it's been so long since I've been who I am that I'm scared that I've forgotten how to do it.

 

As it so happens, I've mentioned all this to him before we even met. He was more than understanding, and even offered up stories of his own about his manufactured personalities and experiences "acting". However, I don't think he has any idea of the depth of my illusions. I think he thinks I've been myself this whole time at sometimes, at least when I'm alone. The truth is, I'm only now starting to, and until a week or so ago I wasn't even committed to the concept. I was enjoying the ride of pretending to be other people; people more cool, more fun. It wasn't fulfilling at any point, but I had no delusions regarding that; I was learning so much about the world that who I was, for a while, had ceased to matter.

 

Oh mannnn. I'm scaaaared.

[spookie]

 

But the big question is... why? I've spend significant amount of effort climbing out of the nerdy nice-guy category, because they are the pond scum of the dating pool. I find it extremely odd that some woman would actively seek out those guys, other than for the the reason that they're ready to marry and they want someone with a stable job to pay for their living expenses (I assume you have a genuine fetish for nerds, and not a financially based motive).

 

The awkwardness in our interactions feels like sexual tension to me and it turns me on. That's one reason I go for them.

 

Another reason is that, more than non-nerds, they seem to talk to communicate (if at all), not to fill up space. I find small-talk so exhausting that I have to drink myself into a stupor to enjoy it/ properly partake.

 

Yet another reason is the intensity of many nerds' passions. (I guess my biggest insecurity has to do with this. I haven't found my passion - and this makes me feel like a worthless human being. WTF am I living for? Non-nerds, I notice, don't need passion to feel like they aren't a waste of space - which is why I feel ok about myself as long as I'm evaluating my worth as a human being with THEIR standards. When it's with my own (and IMO my own are more aligned with that of the nerds) I fail miserably, which makes me hate myself.)

 

Some of the more complicated reasons are in my response to Trimmer.

[Krytie TV]

I personally think you are a profoundly confused woman. That's not an insult, just a perception.

[spookie]

I personally think you are a profoundly confused woman. That's not an insult, just a perception.

 

How do I un-confuse myself?

[Krytie TV]

I don't know. By not trying so hard to find wonderfulness and perfect compatibility in every situation you come across? Some things are just... things. Same for people. Not everyone and everything is great for us, even though we want it to be.

[malaclypse]

How do I un-confuse myself?

 

You already know it.

 

Learn to be yourself, no matter what other people might think.

[GoodOnPaper]

I've never had any trouble reeling in any other type of man (artist, musician, frat-boy, religious maniac, wino, pot-head, player, corporate drone... you name it) but the geeky nice guys elude me.

 

You know the type... smart, knowledgeable, respectful, introverted, inexperienced, interested in science and computers. CS majors Physics people. Engineers.

 

It's always ironic to me to read alleged nice guys' winy posts about how women go for players, because ALL MY LIFE I have pined away for precisely the inexperienced nerds, with craptastic results.

 

It seems I've got everyone else convinced that I'm a good catch for being smart, funny, interesting, friendly, and attractive; so with non-nerds I am confident and I enjoy my time, and as a result am FUN to be around.

 

But with the guys I actually want... it's like I lose myself. I become aware of how I can't measure up, how I'm not knowledgeable enough, risk-averse enough; too social; how I used to be a stripper and have had done way too many drugs.

 

The guy I'm dating now... I like him so much. He's everything I've been looking for. And because of this, I am lost. I don't know how to be "myself" because when I think about it, I don't know what the he!! I have to offer.

 

Should I give up on my hopes of dating a nerd?

 

This must be the Twilight Zone. Having the nerd-type viewed as the prize is like walking outside and seeing that the sky is green instead of blue. I have a Ph.D. in chemistry and can certainly speak from the low-self-acceptance (or "Nice Guy") nerd point of view.

 

What do nerds want? If they are like me, they want someone who will make them feel like a rock star. For guys who attract lots of women, that's not difficult to find, but for many nerds, simply being who they are goes against what is desirable or acceptable in the social/dating/mating world.

 

Nerds are hard-wired to learn. Tap into that, but not necessarily from an intellectual standpoint. Science, engineering, and other "academic" areas are fairly easy to grasp -- nerds know how to learn those things. On the other hand, social and emotional things are a different story. And that's unfortunate, because nerds have emotional desire and passion and hunger just like the players do. Help your nerd tap those qualities and he'll be on the adventure of his life.

[GoodOnPaper]

Most nerds, and engineers especially, have very poor emotional intelligence and that's the reason they don't have dates.

 

Yes.

 

They either have NO CLUE that you're into them (believe it!)

 

Maybe. From my point-of-view, it seemed no one was interested in me, so if someone was, I guess I had no clue.

 

or they've become so accustomed to rejection that they think there's a catch to your advances.

 

Unfortunately, that's true. He needs to understand that a woman's attraction is authentic.

 

You're gonna have to do everything, in most cases.

 

I prefer to think of it as setting a good example of directly expressing your wants/needs. Most nerds have trouble summoning up the courage to do that.

 

They want an intelligent girl who understands their way of thinking. Good luck.

 

This probably varies from nerd-to-nerd. Personally, I'm not too concerned about a woman being an intellectual, but someone emotionally intelligent who understands my way of thinking is a winning combination.

[alphamale]

Should I give up on my hopes of dating a nerd?

no i don't think you should...just start reading up on particle physics, the grand unification theory and artifical intelligence.

[Ariadne]

I've never had any trouble reeling in any other type of man (artist, musician, frat-boy, religious maniac, wino, pot-head, player, corporate drone... you name it) but the geeky nice guys elude me.

 

You know the type... smart, knowledgeable, respectful, introverted, inexperienced, interested in science and computers. CS majors Physics people. Engineers.

 

Hahaha... (winos lol) that would be me too.

 

I work with them all day, and I can never get one of those guys. I remember before I met Denver guy, I used to have crushes left and right at work and all I could get was some guy from the club that was whatever...

 

I don't like dumb guys, and it seems like I'm stuck with dumb guys being the only guys that ever like me.

 

But maybe you are not doomed yet, at least you are young, I have more years proving me this. Oh, and you were not a stripper, you just stripped a day or two and it sucked. Let's say, you tried it.

 

This is Denver guy, the mega nerd (from one of his posts):

 

--------

 

Life, as they say, is what happens when you're making other plans. When

I was a little kid, my interests kinda bounced around between things

like nuclear weapons design, marine biology, botany, space technology,

and things like that, but when I was eleven or so, I settled on what I

thought would be my life's work, theoretical physics (heavy on cosmology

and particle physics). Back then my research habits weren't that great,

so I asked a few people some things about time dilation and the like and

ended up rederiving the rest (you can imagine my chagrin when I got to

high school and found out that Minkowski space was old hat); my main

hobby through high school was deriving my own formulation of general

relativity and trying to come up with a unified field theory. I did

rather badly at the latter, but I did come up with some interesting

results when working on my own theory of gravitation--one difference

between the theory I developed and the general relativistic formulation

was that black holes were not allowable in my version; so far the

evidence isn't conclusive, but it does seem to weigh in favor of black

holes, which would falsify my theory. Oh, well--so much for my

childhood.

 

In college I got majors in physics and mathematics and minors in

computer science and psychology; the work I'd done in theoretical

physics had already forced me to learn a lot about physics and

mathematics, so I ended up just taking the graduate-level courses first,

then just taking the tests for their prerequisites, which let me

accumulate three years of credits in the first year. Unfortunately, I

then got a headache--a migraine headache that endured, without letup,

for just over a year, during which I did very little except fantasize

about what it might feel like not to be in excruciating pain.

 

Eventually, I got over my headache, but before leaping back into

college, I thought I'd start up a couple of corporations, get them to

the point where they would generate income for me with minimal attention

of my part, and then step back into the world of education without having

to worry about things like money. Well, it didn't quite work out that

way--for starters, the market I was targeting took a nose-dive shortly

before I introduced my initial product and even now, ten years later,

one of my businesses still requires a fair amount of care and attention

from me.

 

When I grow up, maybe I'll manage to get back into the swing of

theoretical physics--there's a lot to catch up on, so I still want to

get my businesses a little better behaved first so I'll be able to

devote sufficient time and concentration to the venture, but one of

these days....

 

--------

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

In my experience dating these types, they were massively insecure and want a barbie doll who'll treat them like crap. Not even a really hot girl who treats them well will do. Their insecurity leads them to believe that if a girl treats them well and makes efforts to pursue them to overcome their shy, nerdiness, that it means that she's not good enough. I think of all the guys I've dated, this is most true of the nerdy guys.

 

Quite a way to put it crazy_grl.. I agree for the most part.