Trecherized Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 First of all, I'd like to apologize in advance if I'm posting this in the wrong place. This is my first time here. A little background- I am in my mid- twenties, was in a very long relationship with my ex (almost 9 years), no children but a lot of baggage. We moved almost two years ago to a different state in search of better opportunities for OUR future. At first it seemed to be very promising since we or should I say "I" bought us a house when we used to live in a very tiny apartment. Also got her a new car since I felt it was manageable financially and I felt more comfortable having her drive an suv rather than a coupe. About a year ago, I noticed that she didn't like to be touched in bed anymore (We used to just about every night). It seemed that she just grew very unhappy of where we are since we don't really have a lot of friends around. She started hanging out with all of her friends at work, while I work and when I would be home, she would not even bother asking me to come. Jumping ahead to not make this too long- I was basically treated like ***t. I tried my best to keep her satisfied and happy but no cigar. I was ready to let her go last summer but she begged to come back. Then, a couple of months ago, she told me she wanted a break. WHat?!?! We are practically M without the ring. Our families are pretty much one. We grew up together, shared every experience together. She already asked me for a break when I left for Iraq (former marine) 3 years ago. I couldn't take it anymore so about two weeks ago, after pushing the idea that she's seeing someone else for so long, I buckled up and asked her one last time. She finally admitted to cheating on me last February with a guy she met at work. She said that the act was never finished since she pushed him away because of her guilt. I don't know what to believe because first she told me she was at a party and got taken advatage of. Again, same ending she pushed the guy off. She has now left the house that I wholeheartedly dedicated to her and our future family. She is living with her friend that actually has a family. She said that it should bring her back home to me. It should bring her back home to our dreams. What doesn't make sense to me is why do I feel like I want her back after all of that? I actually told her that I forgive her as long as she still wants to be with me. She said she has love for me and still cares but doesn't know right now. She would tell me she wants to marry me and have a family with me but why the betrayal? I have come across so many temptations yet never acted on any of them. I have been consumed by this for the past couple of weeks. I'm ashamed to write that even after my several tours to Iraq with a Recon unit, not once did I seek counseling but now I've been going for a week. I had a lot of plans lined up for us, and now that they're finally coming together, they seem pointless to continue (own business). I have admitted to my counselor that I have hit rock bottom. We don't have kids but we have 2 puppies that we love like children (we were so worried about having kids because of finances and the fact that we're not M yet). We have baby clothes for future children. We have already picked out names. I am so lost and I feel so empty, I need someone's help...........
Cobra_X30 Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 What doesn't make sense to me is why do I feel like I want her back after all of that? I actually told her that I forgive her as long as she still wants to be with me. She said she has love for me and still cares but doesn't know right now. She would tell me she wants to marry me and have a family with me but why the betrayal? Your simply addicted to her. Like any drug... time away from her will kill the dependance. She cheated on you so much worse than you know. It's a guarantee! She doesnt respect you... and if she doesnt respect you she cannot love you. Don't be ashamed for talking to therapists. You've been through more than most. Wear that with pride! You deserve it!
BeautifulMystique Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Some people are selfish, aren't they? I am sorry she's causing you so much pain! From what I have read, you come out as a decent gentleman and always put others before you. It's a shame that she took advantage of that. Do you think that the reason why you'd take her back is because you're afraid you might not fall in love again? I hope by seeking therapy, you will get your questions and doubts answered.
Author Trecherized Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Cobra, I do think that she's still lying but everytime i would bring it up she would just get mad. She would always say that she's also trying to get over it too?! (another thing that doesn't make sense). She would turn it around on me and say "Well you won't believe whatever I say now anyways so why should I say anything." I swear my head is about to explode. A part of me still wants her to be my wife, but I just don't think I'd be able to live with the lies and the lack of trust. I felt so used and disrespected and I guess everything else in between. She told me today that she's still looking forward to coming back home but believes it's just not the right time. How much time does a girl need to figure things out?! We do see each other still because she has so much stuff that she would occasionally come over to pick up something! I've been so depressed that my family actually had to pick me up from the couch, clean my house, feed my dogs, and feed me as well. BM-thank you for your kind words. I do think it's too bad that she took advantage of that. Yes, I am afraid that I won't be able to give that to anyone else. I've always seen love as something that you only have so much of. I feel that I've given her 95% of that kind of love that if I ever meet someone else I can only give them 5%. I don't want anyone else to feel how horrible I feel. I know a lot of people have it so much worse than I do since yes I am still young, no kids and was never married but I did believe that she was my soulmate and all of that mushy stuff. I just never showed it. We used to say to each other after sex "first, last and only." what a bunch of bs that was!!
BetrayedMM Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Cobra is right(as usual). There is much more going on than she has told you. Her defensive posture is so typical, it could be(and is) listed as one of the biggest red flags ever. She IS seeing someone else, that's what the break is about, and that's why she is not 'yet' ready to come home- she is stringing you along while she pursues this other relationship, hoping you will be there for her to fall back on in case it doesn't work out. Let me guess- she gave you the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line, or a variation, right? That's code for "I've decided to bang other guys, but still have you around in case I screw that up too". Listen, you deserve better than this. You have been used long enough. Please, for your own sake, let this woman(and the dream that has become a nightmare) go. I know it's not easy, but I also know you are strong enough to get through this. You have survived combat, you will survive this! There is a forum member goes by the handle "Gunny" who hangs out in the divorce/separation sub-forums. I would suggest getting ahold of him, as a fellow marine who has been through hell, he can do much to help you with your self esteem. Just reading his posts should do you a world of good!
2cents Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Dear Jarhead, It sound to me like she is good at playing house. Picked out baby stuff, and names. That sh*t is easy. You have puppies you love like kids. Who has the kids now? Who took care of them when you were together? My guess is it was U. When you were over in the sand how often did she send letters. You have known each other since young. Sounds like only one of you has done any growing up. Lots of fish in the pond. Dust youself off and keep moving. Best of luck. Been there done that, Navy rules!
Author Trecherized Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 BMM- I try not to think about how she is maybe still seeing that other guy but it can't escape my mind. she still tells me she wants to marry me in the future but not right now. I was not perfect in the relationship since I did confess to her that I was dating someone when we met but I wasn't even an adult yet! I see that as a huge difference than now. I do think that I deserve better than this but am very afraid of not being able to trust anyone and let alone love them. Besides my parents I only trust two people (my ex marine friend that was my "battle buddy" and my old neighbor that's in the coast guard). Both of them are obviously male so they just keep saying let's go out to the bar and meet some women. I was never really the type to be out every weekend. I enjoyed dinner and movies with my ex, we would test drive cars and look tour model homes before and even after the house. My military experience is a very big part of my life and she shared that with me so it makes it even harder. I miss all those things and I'm afraid I won't be able to share that with anyone else. The other people that I've been talking to have been avoiding me because I think I've dragged them down with all of my feelings. I am just so lost and the heartache just doesn't want to wear off. 2c- Yes, i did take care of the "kids." They are still with me. She asked if she could take the older one but I refused. The older one (girl) is so much like her and the boy is just like me. And of course, I care for the girl more. I know all the sayings but this fish really has me hooked. LOL "Navy Rules!" pfft.. haha.
BetrayedMM Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 very afraid of not being able to trust anyone and let alone love them Yes. Me too! However, right now, one thing you know is that you don't trust this woman, nor should you. There are billions of other women, maybe some of them really are trustworthy. I have my doubts right now for the same reason as you, but so I've been told. As far as the life experiences you've shared, yes, that makes it hard, Know this though: you are young and have many more experiences ahead of you. If you're lucky, you will be able to share those with someone who loves and respects you. You won't get that opportunity with her- she certainly does not respect you, and therefore does not love you. Period. I'm sorry, I know that hurts, but it's the truth. If you want her back, look into the 180. But before you do that, please think(with your head) long and hard if she's really what you want. Forget the baggage, is it her that you want(in her present form) or is it the past you had with her that you don't want to let go of. The way you describe her, I wouldn't take her if you paid me. I know the type only too well. I did confess to her that I was dating someone when we met When did you do this? Was this just before she started fooling around? I guarantee she doesn't see the difference. Ya gotta know that hurt her, and she resents it no matter what. A woman will have her revenge, believe me.
Confused9 Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Forget the baggage, is it her that you want(in her present form) or is it the past you had with her that you don't want to let go of. The way you describe her, I wouldn't take her if you paid me. I know the type only too well. This is a very good question BMM. Something I should ask myself. There are billions of other women, maybe some of them really are trustworthy I can tell you there ARE trustworthy women...but...we are all too scared and broken and think there are no trustworthy men! OY!
Author Trecherized Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 BMM- I was 15 years old when we met. I was seeing someone. nothing really going on, no kissing, sex. I just confessed because I honestly felt like I wanted to be with her forever shortly after. It's been like that since. I thought it was for her too but I guess I was an idiot for believing that BS. That's 9 years ago. She said she cheated on me about a year ago. Ever since I told her that I've been trying to make it up to her. She never mentioned it again and I didn't either. She said that we need to both get over what happened and have a fresh start when we're both ready. I don't understand why she's not begging me to take her back when that's what I did almost a decade ago. Ahhhh! It's driving me insane. I just can't take it anymore! I'm just looking forward to my counseling session tomorrow morning.
BetrayedMM Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 No, you did the right thing by telling her! Believe me, you would have poisoned the relationship if you tried to live a lie. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt her, but at least you came clean and made every effort to undo the damage(although you now know that's impossible). Yes, you were young, but you knew better, you knew it was wrong, hence the confession. At least you didn't have the audacity to try to blame her. I'm telling you though, seriously, she resents it! That's human nature. To answer the thread title- never. The pain fades, but, like a back injury, it never really disappears. You just learn to live with it. I'm sorry, but there's no way around it. To quote Churchill- "When you're going through hell, keep going". What I'm going thru now is NOT the first broken heart I've ever had. I still feel pain from a couple relationships way back in the 80s. The pain does become bearable eventually, but it takes a long time. Back to the life experiences thing- a broken heart is one of them. Almost everyone faces it sooner or later. You may feel alone, but know this- almost everyone you will ever meet has felt the way you feel now. You are not alone. That's why folks avoid talking about it- they have their own pain, and yours brings theirs back to them.
Author Trecherized Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 c9- how is it possible to know if the person is trustworthy? i'm the type of person that's always had a wall around me but sadly that wall would always come down around her. I have had hints from other women that they're interested even when I was still with her and honestly they seemed to be better than what I had but i kept telling myself that it's impossible for it to be. We were on our way to a life that a lot of people would envy. ie. financial and family success. I guess that's the hardest part of me to let go. I do feel sometimes that I love the old her not the her now. I still have hope that the person from before will return. She said that she has the same hope. She keeps saying she just needs more time to understand what she wants in life, like traveling and such. That's really her first love. I thought I was because she is mine. I have been so consumed by the pain and the suffering that I cannot stay asleep at night. I've been sleeping with my two dogs in the family room for the past couple of weeks. "Our" room is so cold and empty that I hate going in there. I would only go in there to shower and change. I miss her so much and I just can't seem to let her go. She has been a part of my life for too long and I actually feel that she is the reason why I am here in this world. I believed that the purpose in life was to make her happy. Her family loves me and says that they can't stand what she's done to me. Her mom completely understands because the same thing has happened to her and that's why she's a single mom with all the debt from the marriage. She swore to not let her mom's misfortune happen to us. For so long I believed that she was determined not to do that. I was a fool and I still am. I hate myself for loving her sometimes yet I'm glad that I did and still do because she gave me the best years of my young life. She had made me feel like I was the only one yet she's made me feel like I was nothing. I have become a person with no sense of being, no drive for living and succeeding, no hope for the future.
Confused9 Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Trech, I am so on the same page as you. I could have typed your post, the only difference is it would be a female who was left and a male who did the leaving. He said I was it and I believed him. I had a wall up because of the hurt I had endured by my own father and he broke down that wall only to cause it to come flying back up after walking out on me after 7 years with no real indication it was coming and I am still shocked. Sometimes I feel like I am not even living my life. I can't begin to explain how sad, hurt, disapointed and confused I am by his actions. This man held me on a pedastle then hated me in like 2 weeks. He treats me like crap now. Well we are in NC so I barely speak but when we do he is cruel. I feel your pain and I wish you luck. It seems like she is very confused and may have someone else in her life. I know that's hard to hear and hard to fathom but...why else the sudden change? You need to do what's best for you know. Life is not going to wait. You know? As for your question on how to trust people. I wish I knew. I can say that there are trustworthy woman out there because I am one. As for trustworthy men...I guess I can't say I have ever met one. I have had a bad experience with all men in my life. I guess the only one I trusted wholeheartedly was my papa (grandpa.) My x and his father were men I once trusted too but he broke that trust after he cheated. His father doesn't speak to me anymore because it's too hard for both of us. He does not agree with what my x has done but he needs to be there for his son. I hope one day we both have someone in our lives that proves us wrong about trust.
BetrayedMM Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 You cannot live FOR another person. You must learn again to respect yourself. You are a person who has a right to exist, with or without her. She is no longer the innocent girl you fell in love with. That person is gone forever. If you do work things out, your relationship will never be the same, you can forgive, but you can never forget. Who is she NOW? That's what you have to deal with. Try to disengage your emotions about the past and see her clearly as someone not involved would... that's who she is now. How do ya know if they're trustworthy? Honesty. When she's willing to tell you the WHOLE truth, answer all questions completely without that asinine 'how dare you' attitude, and most importantly, willing to pay the price for what she's done, then she's showing remorse. And, that's just the beginning, and no guarantee she won't fall back into her cheating ways. Until then, she's a cheater, even if she temporarily stops cheating. How to tell if someone else is trustworthy? Jeez, I dunno!
Author Trecherized Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Thanks for all the responses. I'm trying NC with her since she's going to see her mom that was going to disown her because of leaving me. I know because I heard her mom's voicemail to her. She's going to be there all weekend, the weekend that we're suppose to spend a lot of time together since we rarely get to do that due to my busy schedule. I guess I'm still in total shock. I could not have pictured her do this to me. Not even if I would have lived in this world a million times, she would be the last person that I would've suspected of this demonic act. C9, I do hope the best for you as well. Thank you for the encouragement and the words that slapped me in the face. I know I need to wake up from this nightmare and move forward but I just can't gather up the energy to do so. It also doesn't help that I have the flu, so I'm stuck at home pondering on everything that has happened. BMM, Is it possible to fix this? From your experience, is it worth trying to if she shows remorse and effort to regain my trust? Or should I just erase her from my memory and finally live my life for me. I've been living like someone who doesn't make money because everything went to her. I'm not bragging but as an example, her car is twice the price of mine. The sacrifices that I've made were all taken for granted I guess. What a horrible way to learn a lesson..
In Like Flynn Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 The concern is that she said it was just one time in Feb. But she has been cold to you now for 11 months. What is missing here?? There is more to the story on her end that she is omitting and her behavior smells on a continuing affair or affair like situations. Right now she expects exactly what you have been doing...sitting at home like a puppy dog while she does what she wants knowing that 1 month, 6 months, or a year down the road you will still be there. Right now there are no consequences, hurting you hasn't made her stop. Now the hope is the parents will shame her back into the fold. Time to pull back and to be unpredictable. Be the loving mate when she is around but don't initiate contact. Make her worry about losing you. Just a thought.
BetrayedMM Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 You cannot erase her from your memory. I wish that were possible. I have truly loved 3 women in my life, and it will be impossible to forget them. Those feelings will be with me when I die, they will be in my very last thoughts. On some level, I still love them and always will. If she truly shows remorse, yes, personally I would give her a second chance. I warn you though, don't mistake an apology for remorse. I made that mistake, and now I'm sorry I did. Talk is cheap, and she's proven that to you. Now the burden of proof is on her- she needs to do what reboot's wife did- prove she can be trusted. It's her responsibility to figure out how, and it won't be easy. They say it can work, but that has not been my experience. However, my wife is not your GF, she's a different person, so I can't predict what page she's gonna be on tomorrow. Trust is earned, no one is entitled to it. Yes, it's possible. Forget about the money and the stuff. Money can be replaced, you can always get more stuff, but you will never regain even one second of time back, and as the Beatles said, no amount of money can buy love. I know that your generosity makes it even harder to understand, but it's not uncommon. My wife always has the 'nice' car too. She has always gotten every 'thing' she ever wanted within reason(no learjet), we all do eventually. Things, stuff, it's all just junk. Nothing of value can be bought. That being said, I'm making sure my wife gets as few 'things' as possible, since she values 'things' so much. (she's getting a divorce, just doesn't know it yet)
Author Trecherized Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 The concern is that she said it was just one time in Feb. But she has been cold to you now for 11 months. What is missing here?? There is more to the story on her end that she is omitting and her behavior smells on a continuing affair or affair like situations. Right now she expects exactly what you have been doing...sitting at home like a puppy dog while she does what she wants knowing that 1 month, 6 months, or a year down the road you will still be there. Right now there are no consequences, hurting you hasn't made her stop. Now the hope is the parents will shame her back into the fold. Time to pull back and to be unpredictable. Be the loving mate when she is around but don't initiate contact. Make her worry about losing you. Just a thought. You're absolutely right! I really do think it was an affair. Well, for now she is gone. I need to box up the rest of the stuff that she's left here at the house that I thought I bought for her. I think my predictability also got to her. I am a very structured person to the point that you can know exactly by the second the time that I will be home. She's experienced how losing me is going to hurt her. Last summer, I met up with some childhood friends of mine and one of them I was "really good friends" with before my ex and I met. Long story short, I wanted to leave my ex at the time because of the way she's been treating me for the past 6 months (No sex after romantic getaway to the beach for an entire weekend was the tail end of it). This old friend of mine pretty much picked up where we left off about 12 years ago. Well, my ex went insane of course. F'ed the hell out of me this one day! I actually was the one that said we need to take a nap. haha. good times I guess. What I could never understand is how come she just didn't let me go if she didn't love me the same anymore. She told me that about a month ago. She said she didn't want to physically lose me to someone but isn't that how I lost her? BMM, you're right about the money. I'm actually over that but what I just don't understand from the laundry list of all the other ones, is why waste her life? She is homeless, I should take the car away too but I don't want to be cruel to her. She doesn't have any money. She is in school and holds a part time job making about $10/ hr. When on the other hand, She had everything taken care of and all she needed to do was focus on school and me. I wish I could get in her head and rewire her brain. I wonder how many gerbils are running that thing.
BetrayedMM Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I think my predictability also got to her. I am a very structured person to the point that you can know exactly by the second the time that I will be home. Bingo. For some reason, women get 'bored' with that, leave, then realize that 'boredom' was one of the most important things they need in a relationship- security. I don't know the answer there, damned if ya do, damned if ya don't. They say try to be spontaneous, but if you're just not wired that way it's not easy. Care to elaborate on the 'old friend'? Female? Hmmm... That 'make up' sex is a common reaction to cheating. If she thinks you cheated on her... Put it this way. Revenge sex is just as wild. Doesn't want to lose you the way you lost her. Yep. Normal for cheaters too. Abandonment issues. Remember her parents? That had an affect in many ways, ya know.
BetrayedMM Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I don't want to be cruel to her. In that, my friend, you and I differ. I'm so pissed off this time. Last time, I was all hurt and stupid. Please don't be a doormat. She left you, is lying to you, has been cruel and vicious towards you. You owe her nothing. She is degrading your self respect. It's not about the money, but why the hell should you support her? Let her OM do that if he's so damn wonderful she'd give you up! Don't let her have her cake and eat it!
Author Trecherized Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Bingo. For some reason, women get 'bored' with that, leave, then realize that 'boredom' was one of the most important things they need in a relationship- security. I don't know the answer there, damned if ya do, damned if ya don't. They say try to be spontaneous, but if you're just not wired that way it's not easy. Care to elaborate on the 'old friend'? Female? Hmmm... That 'make up' sex is a common reaction to cheating. If she thinks you cheated on her... Put it this way. Revenge sex is just as wild. Doesn't want to lose you the way you lost her. Yep. Normal for cheaters too. Abandonment issues. Remember her parents? That had an affect in many ways, ya know. I've tried to be spontaneous like send her flowers (tulips- her fav) at work, take her out on a surprise dinner, etc. And yes I am not wired to be spontaneous but I can be. I just like going through life in a straight line rather than in circles, hence my military background. The old friend is a very beautiful person, inside and out. She is very honest and I truly felt a connection between us when we finally saw each other again. There were three of us that met, myself and two girls. My ex saw in the pictures how this old friend (OF) was clinging to me how my ex used to. I was very comfortable with her. We talked all night. I actually didn't come home until the next morning and pretty much just showered and went to work (I have flexibility because it's a fam bus). Long story short, my ex, my mom and her mom all went to me and told me to snap out of it. Of course all in different ways. Her mom cried to my mom, my mom told me to let go of the past, and my ex f'ed me and took me to a michael buble concert (one of my fav artists). So i took my ex to the party I was invited to by OF. They met, my ex was introduced to her family as my g/f. Everything was history between me and OF because of that. I let her go. Then half a year later, my whole life went to sh*. My counselor and actually my dad also told me about the broken family issue. And also the fact that she admitted to being molested by an uncle when she was a child earlier last year. I kept telling her to go to IC but she said she's not ready. I guess it's not my choice but hers. My dad told me to just let her go. Do what I need to do. I feel horrible that he has to see me this way. He has talked always so highly about his first born son that I was ashamed of crying in front of him. I actually did. He would always show off my awards and all my aunts and uncles would compare their own children's military achievements to mine. They would actually advice their kids to do what I've done. This is also a burden for me. My counselor has suggested that all my achievements were for everyone else but myself. I think he may be right.
BetrayedMM Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 OK, well, what with the uncle and all, yes she needs IC! I would consider it part of that remorse I was talking about, because it would show she's serious about addressing her issues. Being molested as a child almost always seems to lead to issues with sex, promiscuity, etc.. And, as far as the OF goes, yep, I bet she thinks you cheated. If people had to tell you to snap out of it, I think you must have been acting like it. Six months sounds about right for the resentment to fester. If you 2 do work it out, expect to do a lot of talking about that as well as what she's done, because it was probably a contributing factor. Not blaming you, just that it might have something to do with it. Your dad gave you good advice- do what is best for you. It's now up to you to determine exactly what that is, but whatever your decision, you must make it for you, not for her. Your dad thinks letting her go is best for you. What do you think?
Author Trecherized Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 OK, well, what with the uncle and all, yes she needs IC! I would consider it part of that remorse I was talking about, because it would show she's serious about addressing her issues. Being molested as a child almost always seems to lead to issues with sex, promiscuity, etc.. And, as far as the OF goes, yep, I bet she thinks you cheated. If people had to tell you to snap out of it, I think you must have been acting like it. Six months sounds about right for the resentment to fester. If you 2 do work it out, expect to do a lot of talking about that as well as what she's done, because it was probably a contributing factor. Not blaming you, just that it might have something to do with it. Your dad gave you good advice- do what is best for you. It's now up to you to determine exactly what that is, but whatever your decision, you must make it for you, not for her. Your dad thinks letting her go is best for you. What do you think? I think it might be for now. I actually didn't sleep with OF that night and I told my ex that. Though now I wish I did. She cheated on me way before that though. The problem with her is that she doesn't want to talk about what happened. She thinks that it's not going to be ideal if we're trying to get back together since it's going to bring up bad memories. She wants it to be a clean start. She wants as to start over or at least that is what she said. She said she's not ready right now. I guess I'm not either. Everytime I see her, I just want to sleep with her again. Though it does get hard thinking how her lips were around someone elses and that she spread for someone else. Whether she still does or not it's all the same. She did it and in my eyes right now, she can do it again. If later down the road she really wants to get back together then she has a mountain to climb. I just hope that it will not lead to another one of these breaks and make me feel like I've wasted my time. I do want to marry her in the future, have kids, grow old and die together. But from what I've been through, it seems like I will pass before she does. I have lost 15lbs in the course of 2 weeks. I am a gym rat that hasn't gone for that long. I smoke about a pack every 2 to 3 days but now it has turn to 1 to 2 packs a day. I've completely let myself go and I know I need to snap out of it. I do think I have a lot of things going for me. I finally have my own business and in the process of starting a new company with my friend. I just wish she was there to enjoy the comfort and caring that she was going to get from all of my hardwork. Yes, she doesn't deserve it but I do want her to have it. I want her to be the fire in the house while I am away. Keep the kids warm and loved, you know that type of thing. Everyone has told me to just let her be. I think I really need to start acting on those advices. I don't know why I can't be so cruel after all that she's done to me. I just can't gather up the energy to hurt her in any way possible. I figure she'll get hers someday and I've told her that. She's too flirty and friendly to not be used by someone else and that's what I've been protecting her from. But in the end she never listened. So I guess NC is the best solution for now. This weekend is going to help since she's going to be out of town.
Gunny376 Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 First off welcome to Love Shack, second? Sorry to hear a "Brother Marine" is going ~ but really? Its only a question of when for most of us, not when. A significant part of what your going through? Is nothing more than pyschological ~ and bio-chemical withdrawal. In the February 2006 edition of "National Geographic" magazine brain scans of people "in love" are almost identical to someone that suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder. Typicaly? This "in-love" feeling can last approximately six to seven years, in some longer. The release of endorphines from being "in-love" is more addicting than crack-cocaine. Thus its entierly possible to be "in-love" with the very worse person for you mentally, emotionally, pyschollogically, and even physically. Thus "battered wife" syndrone. The only cure for it? The same as any drug ~ "cold turkey" you've got to sweat it out. That means getting all her "gear" boxed up and packed up and delivered ~ so she doesn't have any reason to contact you, come around you, call you ~ zilch, nothing, nadda! And then your Happy @ss goes strich NC. No calling, no talking, no e-mailing, no texting, nothing! Just that freaking plain and just that simple! And then you get your Happy @ss busy living! Moving forward in and with your life! Look Slick! You've already been through a lot of things that most people couldn't and can't tote the note the note on. Most people? They don't enlist into the Marines ~ and of those that do? Half are discharged within one year of signing the enlistment papers. The attrition rate for Marine boot camp? 33%. (Last time I checked). Even if you make it out of boot camp ~ well you know! You've saw them fall by the wayside. Even the ones that make it through bootcamp? They don't complete their four year enlistment. And then you were infrantry ~ RECON ~ (and I sincerly hope you're trying to kid me about this!) Don't get me wrong! I believe you? Former Marines excell in every enterprise of human endevor. While the Marines are the smallest of the Armed Forces ~ they stand out in every field. From goverment to the theatre to literature. Getting back to the issues at hand? When a woman does as you've described your "wife" has ~ when she moves out ~ she's 9 times out 10 is moving on. Ask any woman here on LS, when a woman is in love ~ wild horses couldn't drag her away. More likely than not? There's either (a) someone else or (b) she's got her eye on a potential somone else? She's pursuing her Plan "A" and you? Your Plan "B" in case Plan "A" doesn't pan out? All you are to her? Is her "hasty defense" You? Your her fall-back plan. Come on! This is Marine Corps Infrantry 101! "Redundant Contingencey Plans upon "Redundant Contingency Plans" on top of "Redundant Contingency Plans" In short? She's playing you for a fool! Enough already! Kick her butt to the curb! What's she got that some other woman doesn't have? What one would abuse? Another could certainly use! Life's short ~ too short! Get you Happy @ss busy living ~ or get busy dying! Just that plain! Just that simple! Too short to be wasting on someone that can't make their minds up about what they want and need out of Life! A significant part of your problem? Is your military experience in and with the Marines? The problem with being a Marine or former Marine? Is you and I think everyone else subscribes to such things as integrity honor, a "code"? News flash for you! They don't! Pressing on! You're having trouble sleeping because you're going through "withdrawal" That tells me your not getting enough "PT" in your life! That's right ~ you need to get your Happy @SS up and get to the gym ~ get out and do the "Daily-Seven" and hit the "Dusty Trail" each morning at o'dark-thirty ~ just like back in the Corps. Failing that? Go your Happy~@ss to "ChinaMart (aka WalMart) and look in the vitamin and herbal section for something called "Melatonin" Its natural, over the counter, non-prescription, non-addictive. It comes in 5 mg, 3 mg, and 3mmg. I use the 3 mg ~ X's 2. Don't confuse the 3mg with the 3 mmg. Melatonin is produced by the body, it regulates your natural "sleep clock" Airline pilots use it when flying the "red-eye" coast to coast. After taking it? About twenty minutes later? You'll start to yawn, your eyes will tear and you'll be ready to take yourself to bed. And you'll get a good night's sleep. It'll quite your thoughts and fears. You'll have to play around with it per your height ~ weight index to find out what works best for you. It won't knock you out ~ to where you can't get up and tend to a child, but too much of it? Will make you groggy in the morning. Finally, in closng I would recommend an "e-book" titled "Women's Infiedlity" you'll have to Goggle it, because its a paid link ($20) and its against LS Policy for us to link you to a paid site. Good read ~ it'll open your eyes! (Thanks RDAR Rooster) and to another book titled "Why Men Are Clueless And Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" Keep posting! SemperFi! Gunny376
Author Trecherized Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Gunny thanks for the support. I am actually not infantry but a "POG" that was stationed in a recon unit. I served as a .50 cal machine gunner in Iraq because I guess like you said, I exceled a lot in the corps, gained a lot of respect, meritorious promotion and several personal rewards. I have to thank my parents for my upbringing that helped me achieve all of that. I was actually the one that suggested for her to move out. I made her chose. One thing I missed to mention is that she works for an airline company and uses that as a means of her transportation to support her traveling. That's were she also met OM so to me that job is a horrible reminder of the past. She told me that she can't leave eventhough she makes less to nothing working for them. I demanded that she worked on our business and help me make it more successful. During this week, she was also getting ready to visit a childhood friend (girl) for the weekend. I told her that she could not. I insisted that if she left, she would find all of her stuff either thrown away or burned. So she didn't leave, picked up more shifts at the airport and finally moved out of our home. We have been in contact ever since. She has been constantly telling me how much she wants to marry me in the future and that she just needs time to figure things out. Another thing, she already asked for a break when I left for the second time to Iraq. She asked me to take her back when we spoke on my birthday when I was there, so without hesitation, I took her back and our reunion when I got home was incredible. We have been living since or at least until she left. Almost 3 years and 2 out of the three, they were great. She also told me that moving to the city we live in now has destroyed us. She said that lacking mutual friends has damaged her greatly. Only people we live by are my folks. She's complained of me being controlling but all I was trying to do was protecting my investment in life, my partner. I know that when she gets drunk, she gets out of control. She has become so distant the past year that I think we've only had sex 10 times all of 2007, when we used to at least about 5 times a week. Her excuse was that she didn't want to get pregnant because she's not done with school and that we're not married. I on the other hand just wanted to get married and start a family. I wish it's easy for me to cut her off completely but we have a lot of our cords in a knot. The car that she drives, her belongings here at home since she's just living with a friend that actually has a family that they're trying to raise. I feel ashamed for her and myself that she lives there. She's only known them for less than a year and again from the airline job. She started hanging out with friends without me and when I asked, she just coldly said that she didn't want me to come with them. She didn't like being touched, she said I suffocate her and all of that but she used to love all of that before. This move was my decision since I believed that it was the best for our future. Now I'm second guessing the entire thing even though financially, we had a very good future. She just plainly could not wait for the payoff of all my sacrifices and I guess hers as well since she didn't really want to move at all. I admit that I've let myself go in the past 2 weeks. I have lost 15 lbs when I used to work out at least 5 times a week. I feel so weak, useless, betrayed, a fool, a loser. I am very embarassed about everything because everyone (her family, mine and everyone that we know) pretty much would have bet their lives on our future. Her family can't accept the fact that she left our home. They have stopped talking to her and so did my family. She did not only hurt me but them as well. She is selfish yet I know that I am too. All I wanted was a perfect family with her and only her. No lies, cheating or big problems. Just a normal life and hopefully end with a normal death. Why does she keep telling me she misses me yet she doesn't like it when I tell her the same. My mind is so fried from all of these games. My "grape" is crushed and ready to be made into really bitter wine. I will try NC with her. Hopefully time will help me heal, but I think the "complete truth" from her will finally set me free and probably make me hate her. Thanks for the ideas gunny. I had a gunny in the corps that reminds me of you. Wise and strong, he used to always give me advice, of course not about this but about our missions and how to handle them. Thanks again. Semper Fi!
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