ald67 Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Hi, I am having a hard time and hope some of you can help me. I got divorced in June, and started dating a couple months after. In short, I have been a terrible boyfriend to her, but I do love her. My wife of 13 years was very cold and critical of me throughout our marriage. She showed no affection, and tried to control my every move. My new girlfriend is sweet and loving, and very caring. I feel so damaged from my marriage, and the divorce, and have been so emotionally hot and cold towards her. I have lied to her a few times and she has really shut down and is confused about being with me. I do understand, but I don't want to lose her. Has anyone been through something like this? I feel so lost, so negative about myself feeling undeserving of anyone right now, and think I've pushed her away.
rosalie Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 I haven't exactly been in your position ald67 but I've been divorced and dated after it.... Maybe you are still feeling the effects of and dealing with the emotions of your divorce? Don't know how long you were seperated before the divorce but two months after is very very soon even if it was an easy one. Why don't you take some time for yourself, I know you are attached to her but your actions are speaking like you aren't ready for this? If it means anything it was a good two years before I was able to have any relationship of real value and that was after seperation and 6 months after the final divorce . I know your relationship with your ex wasn't ideal and you are attached to this girl but it really shouldn't be that hard? Yep, they all take work but you said it yourself you seem damaged and maybe not ready for this yet? The damage won't always be there if you work on it but you also need to give yourself time to heal so when you are ready that relationship has every chance of working?
Keara Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 I took me nearly 2 years to start feeling like I was sane again after my divorce, and I was only married a little over 9 years. You're going to need to be brutally honest with this woman you're dating. Let her decide if she wants to stick around while you go through all this emotional baggage and sorting stuff out in your head. Have an honest discussion about what you feel you can give to the relationship, how you are feeling, and your problems in dealing with the issues you're facing. I did that with the guy I was dating right after the divorce, and although it was still rocky and filled with difficult times, I think overall we both came out better people. But it was due to the blunt honesty and facing the issues head on. No skirting the truth, or white lies to spare the other person.
sumdude Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I took me nearly 2 years to start feeling like I was sane again after my divorce, and I was only married a little over 9 years. You're going to need to be brutally honest with this woman you're dating. Let her decide if she wants to stick around while you go through all this emotional baggage and sorting stuff out in your head. Have an honest discussion about what you feel you can give to the relationship, how you are feeling, and your problems in dealing with the issues you're facing. I did that with the guy I was dating right after the divorce, and although it was still rocky and filled with difficult times, I think overall we both came out better people. But it was due to the blunt honesty and facing the issues head on. No skirting the truth, or white lies to spare the other person. I agree... I'm at 1 year post separation and 6 months post divorce. Just now starting to feel like myself again... tried dating but it didn't work out. Still had some emotional fallout to deal with. You're still emotionally injured and healing. Like trying to walk on a leg that was broken and still in a cast.
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