bbtracy Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 My ex broke up with me almost 3 years ago, and in these 3 years I never once stopped loving him or wanting to get back together with him. We have had our ups and downs, but for the past 2 years we have remained friends, until about 5 months ago I told him that I can't remain friends because I'm afraid that one day he'll find someone new, and I need to be away from him in order for me to get over him. It's been 5 months of absolute NC; I never contacted him once, nor did he contact me. I kept telling myself I made the right decision to go on NC because I needed to move on with my life. But in these 5 months (especially recently, although I'm not sure what the trigger was - perhaps it was x'mas and new year's without him), I have missed him terribly. I never let it get in the way of my "new" life, but I still love him so much and still want to get back together with him more than anything else in the world. I thought NC was supposed to help me get over him. Why isn't it working? I'd like to believe I've been pretty patient these 5 months and trying more things and meeting new people, but with regards to my feelings for him, I'm still where I was 5 months ago when we started NC. Nor did he contact me either (although it might have been because I told him we can't be friends anymore). I guess if he missed me, he would have contacted me by now. So now I've lost a friend, and I'm still in love with a guy that broke up with me 3 years ago. Can someone help set me straight - why is NC so highly recommended again?
CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 (edited) My ex broke up with me almost 3 years ago, and in these 3 years I never once stopped loving him or wanting to get back together with him. We have had our ups and downs, but for the past 2 years we have remained friends, until about 5 months ago I told him that I can't remain friends because I'm afraid that one day he'll find someone new, and I need to be away from him in order for me to get over him. It's been 5 months of absolute NC; I never contacted him once, nor did he contact me. I kept telling myself I made the right decision to go on NC because I needed to move on with my life. But in these 5 months (especially recently, although I'm not sure what the trigger was - perhaps it was x'mas and new year's without him), I have missed him terribly. I never let it get in the way of my "new" life, but I still love him so much and still want to get back together with him more than anything else in the world. I thought NC was supposed to help me get over him. Why isn't it working? I'd like to believe I've been pretty patient these 5 months and trying more things and meeting new people, but with regards to my feelings for him, I'm still where I was 5 months ago when we started NC. Nor did he contact me either (although it might have been because I told him we can't be friends anymore). I guess if he missed me, he would have contacted me by now. So now I've lost a friend, and I'm still in love with a guy that broke up with me 3 years ago. Can someone help set me straight - why is NC so highly recommended again? What have you been doing during all this NC? Have you been to the gym every day, got involved in new hobbies, hung out with friends and starting dating again? You will not move on in your heart until you accept that it's over. What's done is done and can not be changed. And you can't meet Mr. Right if you are still pining over Mr. Wrong. Edited January 18, 2008 by CaliGuy
s_n_d Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 AMEN to what CaliGuy posted. And I think you have to WANT to move on in order for NC to "work". It seems like you dont want to move on. So when your ready, you need to accept that its over atleast. And you may always have the hope that you may get back together ONE DAY, but for now you need to try as much as possible to get your mind off him. Working out really does help. Trust me. Stay strong && Keep your head up high.
Author bbtracy Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 I've been doing a lot of things during these past 5 months actually - been going to dance class 3 times a week (dance is my passion), I've hung out with friends every weekend (every weekend is literally packed, I'm out all day from morning till night), I've travelled a lot, and even met a potential guy on one of my travels. I'm even thinking about moving out of the country that my ex and I are currently living in right now (nothing to do with him though - where I live right now is not my hometown, so I want to move closer back home). I haven't been pining at home for him these past 5 months of NC, I'm trying to enjoy myself as much as possible. And I'm not forcing myself to do all the things that I love right now, I do it because I truly want to do it (e.g. dance, hanging out with friends, traveling, etc). The point of my post was that even though I'm living life fully, and it's supposed to help me get over him, it's not. Even after all this, I still miss him and want to be back together with him.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Even after all this, I still miss him and want to be back together with him. This is the problem. It's okay to miss him and miss what you had...Problem is, you haven't let go and accepted that it IS over and he's moved on, he isn't coming back. I'm sorry, I know you're hurting and I don't want to make you feel worse, but hanging on to him in your heart and not going NC in your mind (re-training your brain NOT to think of him and when you do, you push the thoughts out of your head, as well as distracting yourself with being busy and being with friends,family..) is making it harder for you to move on. You haven't healed properly because you still want him back. After 3 years, you two are not together. You tried the friendship thing, it didn't work. 5 months and he hasn't contacted you either because HE knows you're not over him and having any sort of friendship will only prevent you from finding someone else in the future. He is doing you a big favour by not contacting you, respecting the NC. That, take to heart that he did and does care - Enough not to be selfish and keep you in his life - He knows you can't deal/handle it. With that being said, you need to try your hardest to let go, and want to get over him.
s_n_d Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 I know where your coming from... Ive only been on NC with my ex for almost nine days now and its absolutely killing me..Ofcourse I didnt tell him Im going NC so Im guessing he will try to contact me sooner or later since we are "civil" to eachother now. But i really dont know how much more of it I can take. And I sure as hell cant take five months of this. But hopefully time will eventually heal things and you gotta have faith that this has happened for a reason.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ A wonderful thread about no contact to read by nofoolin'. I hope it helps!
screwedup55 Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I know how you feel about losing a friend part. My ex is a very good friend of mine. When she broke up with me we kept up the contact level. Then she hooked back up with her ex 2 weeks later and things change. I feel like I have lost a friend. I have not done the NC thing, as we both value the friendship, but it is hard having been in contact with her all the time to once every so often. I can't imagine going NC with her as the times in between our contacts really suck. I think NC is recommended for the out of sight out of mind part. Staying in contact with my ex has kept on reminding me of what we had and it is a struggle to get over her. But I can't imagine my life without her friendship also.
Lee725 Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 When you break up with someone, even if you stay friends with them for 2 weeks or 2 years, you have NEVER given yourself a chance to get over them. He has not been with you as a partner all this time but irrespective you have been "with" him becuase you have both constantly known what is going in each others lives. For the first time you dont know and that may be scaring you & making you think of him more. You are back where "you should have been" 2 years ago when you 1st broke up. it can be difficult to let go and come to terms with what has happened, within yourself but at this point you really have no choice. good luck.
desertguy Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Breaking up, our reactions, timeframes is a very individual process for everyone; there's no hard or fast rules or timelines that fit for all. Going NC is I think the best (and probably only) way to really get over someone. I agree with some of the earlier posters, you're doing the right things, staying busy, doing what you enjoy, but you still aren't over it. I know first hand how the holidays can bring up a lot of sadness. My last girflfriend, whom I dated about a year, started breaking up around Thanksgiving (which is when I discovered LS). I tried to really make things work, we stayed friends for another month and half or so, but it was driving me nuts, just being a "friend", and kind of a hanger on I felt. We finalized the split right around New Year's, after I said I couldn't just be a friend to her. I miss dearly the whole relationship, but the friendship just as much too. I might be able to eventually become friends with her, but it's way too soon, and may never happen. I've accepted that. Still hurts like hell sometimes, and I try to let those feelings come out, but not overwhelm me, and then do something else to distract myself when it happens. The only time I've actually had a friendship work after a relationship, is someone I was friends with prior to. We stayed minimally in touch after we split, and let a couple years pass. During that time, we both developed new hobbies, new friends, jobs, etc. It took that long for the feelings to totally extinguish for me. We just saw each other over the holidays, spent some time together as real friends, no strings attached, and it was a lot of fun. Anyway, you really do need to accept it. You may not be ready for it yet, I understand, but it really is the only way to move on. That's not to say that you won't have feelings and periods where you really miss that person, everybody does, but it will get easier over time as you develop a different life outside of that person. It takes some longer than others to do that, myself included.
guessjeans Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I know exactly what you are going thru. I still love my ex husband 4 yrs now after we have split, but we stayed in each others lives because of our son. Kinda hard to go NC when there are children involved. Kinda hard to move on from the pain because you are constantly hearing about your ex's life with his new g/f. Although my son is 20 yrs old, I have made it clear to him I dont want to hear about his life unless it has to do with him (my son) and I asked that he not discuss my life with his father. But I have managed to do the NC thing with his father. I havent seen him in 2 months, I havent talked to him for 2 months, and if it werent that my son wasnt ill, i wouldnt have seen him at all since he started this new relationship in October. The way i keep telling myself is...i dont want to ache or pin over someone that doesnt feel the same. He made a choice. I told him I still loved him, but he didnt want me in his life anymore..he wanted his secretary. I know you hear all the cliches about move on, NC, get on with your life, get involved with things, etc, etc...and although they look good in print, its really hard to convince your heart of it. But i do know that in time, the pain doesnt get as bad. I just go on with my life and tell myself he just doesnt exist anymore. The man i knew and loved no longer exists. When i start thinking about him i picture the words STOP! and it will get better as time passes. Right now its hard, i know, and no words anyone on hear tells you is going to stop the pain we are both feeling, but what choice do we have. We have to continue to be moms, a friend, a daughter, a worker, etc...life moves on and trust fate that whatever is in store for you, will present itself to you in time. There is no one in this world that deserves our hearts, our friendship, our kindness, that doesnt want to return it to us. We are too good for that.
desertguy Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 guessjeans, very good advice. You said a lot of what of what I've felt, but had a hard time getting into words; you're very succinct, insightful and to the point. Really good advice from someone who's been there, and for anyone else reading this thread.
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