Mizzunderstood Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 My first post. My bf of 3 years left me because he believes something to be true that isn't..... and the situation is so impossible for me to refute that this stupid understanding cannot be repaired. I was away on business for a week. While I was gone, I left a key with my friend to get my mail and use my place if she needed. While I was gone she had her boyfriend over- and they left a condom in the waste paper basket in the bathroom- right on top in plain view. I didn't notice it when I came home.... but my bf came over the next day and he went into my bathroom, saw the condom as was convinced I had cheated. He left me place in a rage- didn't believe me it wasn't my infidelity. I called my friend and she admitted she had been careless... and she called him on my behalf to tell him what happened. He didn't believe her and he thinks she is lying to cover for me. Her boyfriend also spoke to him- and he refused to believe him either because they are my friends. It has been a week- and he won't speak to me. He came over one night to pick up his stuff and depsite my pleading with him to talk things out- he left and said he would never, ever talk to me again. I just don't see this as recoverable. I know this man- and I know he will not come back. I'm in such shock. I can't eat or sleep and I burst into tears when I am at work thinking about this. I am a Lawyer- and I have to work with clients everyday.... and my work is suffering because I am so distraught. Any suggestions at all on how to deal with this? We were to be engaged this year and had made plans to get married in Mexico in the fall. We had a wonderful relationship. Even I admit that the true story is too crazy to sound like the truth. I don't know what to do. I have stopped calling him...I know it will do no good. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I can't imagine losing him over something that didn't happen.
D-Lish Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Holy crap. Things like that only happen in movies. I can't imagine what you are going through. Maybe he just needs to cool off before having a discussion with a clearer head. If you two have a wonderful relationship- He may be more open to talking once he has had time to think.
SadShamrock Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Hi there, I am sorry to hear about what happened to you. I had a somewhat similar situation- a huge misunderstanding that turned into the end. He refuses to really talk to me. I wish I could give you advice about how I am getting over it, but it is really difficult. It is difficult to accept that someone who you were very much in love with- can't trust you enough to give you a chance to explain or reconcile. Maybe for now just give him the space he needs. I did not do that at first, and I'm not sure if it was good or bad for him- but I know for sure that it was bad for me. He did not let me forget what happened and he made it very clear that he did not believe anything I said. It hurts a lot when you lose someone. It hurts even more when it is over because of something you have or they suspect you have done. Just give yourself space. Let him cool down perhaps. However, I think that if someone who LOVES you can't even give you the time to understand your side of the story- what happens in the future if there was another great misunderstanding.
NowWhat Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 I'm sorry, but I disagree. I don't think that your story is THAT unbelievable. I've actually had a friend stay at my place and they left a condem wrapper under the bed. My gf and I found it and she was like..."Um, want to explain this?" - but I could tell she knew there WAS a reasonable explanation. I told her it had to be Ed's because he was staying with the dogs while I was gone and then we laughed about it. Has there ever been any reason for him to believe you would ever cheat on him? If the relationship has been solid and you've never given him any reason to mistrust you, I totally think he is the one being a jerk and overreacting. If you are in a serious relationship, you don't just walk out the door like that. You talk things out and you try your best to trust your partner. Seriously, if you are being straight with us and this is what happened and you always been trust-worthy, I think you are the wronged party here. I say you let him know that you are done trying to convince him and that you hope he comes to his senses soon because he is ending a relationship over a mis-understanding. I know you don't want to hear this right now, but if he doesn't come back and listen to reason, then he's not the kind of guy you want to marry because you never will know what he will end the relationship over next. Good luck. Sorry you are having a hard time.
Trialbyfire Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Okay, that's a difficult story to stomach, but your friends backed you up so I don't see why your b/f would continue treating you this way. If you still have the condom for some strange reason, you can always offer it to him to have lab checked, that it doesn't have any of your bodily secretions on it. I think he's being a baby about it. He accused you of something untrue and now, can't man up and admit he's wrong. That's pretty piss poor, IMO.
PLAYBRAT Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 You are a Lawyer right?? You can't come up with a "defense" strategy?? Your b/f is being a stubborn ****head if he doesn't believe you. #1 You can PROVE you were out of town during the alleged "tryst". You were away on bunsiness right? #2 You have ALREADYb had your friend AND her b/f TELL him it was them. Right now...if he refuses to budge all you can do is either wait it out or play hard ball. Tell him straight up you think he is being a jerk and that if this is his reaction you are better off. I mean what else can you DO if you're innocent? I think eventually he'll cool down and realize he's being an ass. Give it time......
Author Mizzunderstood Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Yes, I am being straight up. I loved him and had been faithful to him from day one. He does have trust issues. His last gf cheated on him- and i know that is playing a part. He did have a touch of a jealous side- but never went too overboard. In the whole 3 years together I've never seen him explode like that- the anger and emotion scared me. He truly believes I have cheated. I saw the hurt in his eyes. I reasoned with him that didn't he think I would have hidden the evidence since I knew he was coming over that night. Wouldn't I be stupid to leave the condom there when I knew he was coming over? We have a LDR- 2 hours apart.... we used to live together but he is in Grad school while I am beginning my career.... so we have been living apart for a while. It just kills me that it is ending this way. He should believe me... that much is true. Nothing like this has ever come up before. He just kept screaming- I can't believe you did this to me. When he picked up his things the only repsonse he gave me was "you're a fu**ing liar".... That's all he said over and over. I have never seen him like this. Do I leave him to his space? If I send him an e-mail I think he would delete it and not read it.
Author Mizzunderstood Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 You are a Lawyer right?? You can't come up with a "defense" strategy?? Your b/f is being a stubborn ****head if he doesn't believe you. #1 You can PROVE you were out of town during the alleged "tryst". You were away on bunsiness right? #2 You have ALREADYb had your friend AND her b/f TELL him it was them. Right now...if he refuses to budge all you can do is either wait it out or play hard ball. Tell him straight up you think he is being a jerk and that if this is his reaction you are better off. I mean what else can you DO if you're innocent? I think eventually he'll cool down and realize he's being an ass. Give it time...... Yes, I am certainly skilled in the art of rhetoric.... But since the incident- he hasn't even been open to listening to me. His response to my reasoning was to call me a Sophist. He has never liked my gf that is involved in this. She has been single a lot during our relationship- and he has always considered her flashy single life to be a negative influence on me. Her relationship with this new man is recent. He does not see her as someone with credibility in this matter. I am hoping he cools down. I have tried to use logic and reason to explain the situation... but his screaming and hanging up on me has made it difficult to talk to him. I can't reason with someone when they scream at me everytime I open my mouth. I just can't believe this has happened. I was brokering a divorce this morning- and I had a hard time being professional- I even had to excuse myself so I could go to the bathroom and cry. I just feel lost. I wrote an e-mail but did not send it. I fear he will delete it. Honestly- we have had a great romance. Some bumps in the road- yes... but nothing that has come close to this. I have been faithful and good to him since day one - and him to me. Before I went on my trip we were lying in bed and he was stroking my face and telling me he'd never loved anyone the way he loved me. I keep thinking about that. I am so sad. Sorry if my post is convoluted- I have indulged in red wine this evening...probably more than I should have.
PLAYBRAT Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Hmmm.............you know him best. I think you need to appeal to his emotions. Is he sentimental? Write him a heartfelt email. Is he "detached".......keep it logical.... Basically speak his love 'language" whatever that may be. I think from what you say here, he may have made up his mind. So maybe just time and distance is what he needs. He may be stubborn and need to realize on his OWN what an ass he is being. But it couldn't hurt to send a final email explaining your side of things before giving him space. I do think he will read it........even if just out of sheer curiosity. Keep us updated. Good luck!!!!!
PLAYBRAT Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Awww Mizz I feel for you.Nothing worse than someone NOT listening to you..when all you want to do is explain. I believe with some time he will cool down. If you DO email him...try to empathize with him.See things from HIS POV... and tell him that. How you know he must feel...he is probably having a lot of raw emotions from the last girl who cheated in him..and lashing out at you.It's wrong..but understandable.... Just let him know you hope he will come around and you hope to hear from him...
Lee725 Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 This is a terrible situation. His trust issues (re: previous GF) must be monumental for him to react like this. Even still after 3 years together you would think your fidelity to him has been proven. My only advise at this point as a previous poster stated is to ask him to have it tested (if you still have it) or perhaps have it tested yourself and provide him with the report, within that condom lies the truth. It all depends on what you see as the best course of action now, although this display of lack of trust in you is something that will need to be addressed even if it is proven to him that you are not responsible. His luck of trust in you is unfounded and i can only imagine what it is doing to your mind. Good luck, please stay strong.
D-Lish Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 You threw it out didn't you..... ? I know I would. Give him time and space. He won't listen until he has calmed down.
NowWhat Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Wow. That's pretty bad - I don't blame you for feeling sick. It's not just that he slept with someone else but it's the fact that he was so reactive and impulsive. Not great qualities for a life-long partner. Good for you for not answering. In my opinion, he has a lot of growing up to do and he needs to get some help in resolving conflict. Unless he does this, I wouldn't go back. I'm sorry.
Islander Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Wow, this does sound really bad. I was going to write that he could have been in rixa, little lawyer term there for ya! But now he does this. Well, i'm a guy who has been cheated on before and I have had some trust issues with people, gf and friends, but after three years i would have been able to fully trust someone. The thing i guess you really have to do now is firstly keep your cool and heal up first, I wish there really was things in the world called medi-kits but there ain't!! Then you have got to ask yourself the question - Is the juice worth the squeeze? You and your friends explained everything to him, and he just wanted to give up like that after 3 years. It sounds so harsh. If I was, based on your threads, this guy I would have maybe have left, propably not though, and calmed myself down and then came back and been sorry for acting like a fool. I feel really sorry for you, especially starting out in a new, very hard career and this has happened, especially that it is effecting your work.
Islander Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Hey again. I'm sorry for making you upset. I've been going through some bad things too, if you could have a look at my only message it would be nice. As things go, its time to heal. I know this could be good bad or whatever but dont drink by yourself. It ain't healthy. Where i come from, drink is a huge part of our heritage, i'm staring at 4 expensive bottles of single malt and just want to drink. But dont. You gotta be strong. Everything happens for a reason. Love is a complicated thing for anyone at any age. Repairing from it is probably the hardest thing anyone can do. Dont do wht i've been doin and laying about in my bed turning day into night. There are lots of things you could do by yourself. Go for a run, have a long bath with some classical music, join a gym is good apparently. Spend some money on yourself. Buy some dvds, cds, something for you home etc. Go out with your friends for lunch, dinner out etc. I would maybe recomend taking it slowly on the work side, it could become a touchy subject however you could lose yourself in. Learn to love yourself. Take it easy my dear, dont stress.
LakesideDream Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Mizz, Your tale is a bad one. There are some inconsistancies in it though. Early on in your thread you didn't inform as to whether your now ex had previous "lies" that reinforced his snap decision that you were not telling him the truth when the condom was found. Additionally, You were the one who made the "monumental mistake" when you arrived unannounced and uninvited at his home after a trip of 2 hours. As you wrote yourself, he had broken off the relationship with you, that it was "over". It's reasonable to assume that he believed it was over, and often a bit of "revenge sex" is an appropriate reaction. You didn't allow for that. He wasn't cheating on you. You had no reason to expect him to be celebit did you? You behavior was very bad. You had no right to barge in and create turmoil. He believed he was in a private situation, safe in his own home. You chose to show him no respect whatsoever and invade his home. At very least when you saw a strange car in the driveway you should have stopped and phoned, announcing yourself. You chose to have your own way instead. It sounds like you were determined to have it your way, regardless of the cost, damn the consequences.
sedgwick Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 If you can prove that you were out of town that day, why isn't it that easy? Can you show him a receipt from something you bought that day, or from your hotel, or anything? He is dramatically overreacting. His behavior sounds really fishy to me.
ninjaturtles Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 (edited) Mizz, Your tale is a bad one. There are some inconsistancies in it though. Early on in your thread you didn't inform as to whether your now ex had previous "lies" that reinforced his snap decision that you were not telling him the truth when the condom was found. Additionally, You were the one who made the "monumental mistake" when you arrived unannounced and uninvited at his home after a trip of 2 hours. As you wrote yourself, he had broken off the relationship with you, that it was "over". It's reasonable to assume that he believed it was over, and often a bit of "revenge sex" is an appropriate reaction. You didn't allow for that. He wasn't cheating on you. You had no reason to expect him to be celebit did you? You behavior was very bad. You had no right to barge in and create turmoil. He believed he was in a private situation, safe in his own home. You chose to show him no respect whatsoever and invade his home. At very least when you saw a strange car in the driveway you should have stopped and phoned, announcing yourself. You chose to have your own way instead. It sounds like you were determined to have it your way, regardless of the cost, damn the consequences. Are you kidding me? This lady is in such a mess, because of a mistake her friend made...and you think she behaved badly for trying to sort out her issues with her soon to be fiancee? I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I think you are being a bit harsh and diverting from the point of this thread..i.e to offer her some advice in a bid to help her. Anyway, mizunderstood, you are in a very tough position. His behaviour does indeed sound fishy and are you sure he was not seeing this girl before he apparently 'broke it off'. This story sounds like a movie. I am studying Law and I can imagine the adverse impacts it has on your work. You need to make a plan and stick to it inorder to prevent your life from crashing. First of all, are you certain you are not going to take him back? Lakeside has a point because if he indeed broke up with you, then he may have opted for revenge sex. You see, there are so many issues and things to consider. His impulsive behaviour is negative. It really isnt the best to marry someone who acts on impluse the way he did. However, take into consideration the fact that he was cheated on in the past. Still, I must add that after 3 years together, he should have sorted out his trust issues, especially as you never gave him a reason to doubt you. Anyway, ultimately I wish you could find out whether or not he has been seeing this girl? Was is something that started only because of the ordeal (i. e his thinking you cheated on him etc) or was it something that started before the incident, only manifesting when you caught him. You need to know this because if it was something he did out of anger/revenge/hurt or whatever (as stupid as it was ), you may want to think twice about ending things for good. Putting into consideration the fact that if he genuinely thought you cheated on him, he only slept with that girl in a bid to carry out revenge. Plus you were not officially together anyway. I know it must hurt, because you wonder 'how could he run off and sleep with some girl so qucikly over something mistaken'? Its all so unfair on you, however you need to sort things out. If you decide that you want out, then go for it. Stay NC for a while You know the rules. However, being the forgiving person I am, I would ignore him for a few days so things can settle in, then embark on sorrting things out. Finding out why he refused to believe you, whether not this woman was a revenge tool, why he was so hasty to break things off, after your friends called him. There are so many things to be discussed because his behaviour was very strange, very unwarranted for and has caused you so much undeserved pain. Stay strong, but realise that ultimately the decision to go back depends on you. Is your love strong enough to go through this? Can you trust him again? Would you marry someone who acted on impluse the way he did? Someone who was willing to throw everything away because of his bigoted opinion/ mistake? Do you think overcoming this ordeal could actually make your relationship stronger? Possibly reinforce the trust he never had in you? . Think through these things carefully, you are the judge ...we are the jury, basing our opinions on common sense reasoning. Good luck and keep posting.xxx Edited January 23, 2008 by ninjaturtles
Tripper Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Sorry you're going though this, MU. I think his whole reaction is a smokescreen. Is it possible he was just looking for an excuse to break it off with you?? I can understand the initial reaction to finding the condom, but after your explanations and your friends also explaining the situation, he seems to be just looking for an excuse to end it with you. While this is difficult for you, consider yourself lucky to have found out how he reacts to situations that can shake the foundation of the best relationship. Crap like this happens in marriages and tests the trust and honesty of the partners. I think he failed. I wouldn't be surprised to find out he's known the woman for sometime. He's 2 hours away from you and possibly was cheating on you. His reaction sounds like he was just looking for some sort of justification to end it.
SunnyLady Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Hey Mizz, I am sorry for your pain! Sometimes life throws challenges at us that seem impossible to overcome. I think the crucial issue is what you actually do want. I understand so well your horror of seeing that girl half naked etc. It;s sickening to have recollections of all that and I sympathise with you. But you muct know that sex is quite different from love making. One is an art which involves the soul, the other is simply physical gratification. My underlying point being you need to decide what YOU want! Righ now you are probably feeling all emotional and perhpas are not in the most suitable state of mind to make a reaonsed judgment. But are you willing to throw it all away when you are so clueless as to all that's happened? I think you need to give him a chance to explain himself. Sometimes things are not as bad as they seem to be... just listen to him and hera him out. Then you will be in a better position to make an informed judgment. I don't think its advisable to terminate an engagment under such confusing circumstances. Life doesnt work that way. You might that he has been seeing this girl for time. If you gain access to such information, it will make you more even confident about whatever course of action you take. I just think you should hear him out FIRST. Then proceed with the decision making process. Reember your initial post was predicated on the complaint that he was unwilling to hear you out? Well don't subject him to what you complained of. It will do you no harm to listen to his explanations. There may well be many credible explanations for his behaviour like some have suggested. I am not justifying his actions, please don't construe my advice to imply so. He was quite hasty, didnt take long to jump into bed with someone else. But men are known to be spontaneous. I'm sure you are aware of this. And sex is quite distinct from love making. Clearly he was more concerned about how hurt you were rather than the girl. When you walked into the scence his attention was diverted to you. And he paid no attention to this girl he had been banging a few minutes ago. So please don't make a hasty decision. And don't deny him a chat.Perhaps I am old fashioned in my views. Perhaps I am traditonal. Perhaps I am too much of an optimist. But I really do think you should hear him out at least one time. Best Wishes. Kepp us posted. xx
HoustonScrewed Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 I recently went through about the same thing (10 months ago) I believed her that the evidence wasn't hers. Well in the end game it turned out to be her's, and by me believing her and her friends it caused me much heart hace and problems. You need to be able to prove it factually rather than just by you and your friends word, because friends are always stronger than relationships.
PLAYBRAT Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Ok a few things..... You decided to show up unannounced at his house and discoved something you OTHERWISE wouldn't have known about. Another woman. Her reaction was a bit volatile for someone who may have only been a one night stand. Calling him an "*******"?? Hmmmm... You know the old saying about a cheater accusing the other of cheating? It may be a strong possibility your "ex" has been seeing this other woman even before this whole incident. it will all come out in the wash either way. Personally, if it were me, I wouldn't have shown up unnannounce. I know you guys were not officially "broken up" but he had made it blatantly clear he was 'done". Does that make it Ok? No, but he was still within his rights to do as he wished in his own home. That said, The fact is you guys had a three year relationship. He bailed on you without even pursuing the facts, or giving you the benefit of the doubt. He lashed out in the worst way possible, and did irreperable damage...all because he acted impulsively and without a thought for anyone but himelf. That says a lot about his character. The mere fact that he did not even trust you enough after three years is a very bad sign. Anyway.....I am sorry things turned out this way. Take care of you right now....
D-Lish Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Mizz, Your tale is a bad one. There are some inconsistancies in it though. Early on in your thread you didn't inform as to whether your now ex had previous "lies" that reinforced his snap decision that you were not telling him the truth when the condom was found. Additionally, You were the one who made the "monumental mistake" when you arrived unannounced and uninvited at his home after a trip of 2 hours. As you wrote yourself, he had broken off the relationship with you, that it was "over". It's reasonable to assume that he believed it was over, and often a bit of "revenge sex" is an appropriate reaction. You didn't allow for that. He wasn't cheating on you. You had no reason to expect him to be celebit did you? You behavior was very bad. You had no right to barge in and create turmoil. He believed he was in a private situation, safe in his own home. You chose to show him no respect whatsoever and invade his home. At very least when you saw a strange car in the driveway you should have stopped and phoned, announcing yourself. You chose to have your own way instead. It sounds like you were determined to have it your way, regardless of the cost, damn the consequences. WTF. That was the most insensitive, uncalled for response I have seen on this forum in a long time. Good for you for attacking someone who is deeply hurt and distressed over something that is not her fault to begin with. There never was any inconsistencies in the story- she stated in her second post that they had no reasons to mistrust one another. She was hurt and desperate to repair her relationship of 3 years. I'm sorry MIZZ- I feel so bad for what has happened.
PLAYBRAT Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Hiya Mizz..... Thanks for the clarification on the living situation...and NO you didn't need to explain why you showed up unnannounced. I hope you didn't think I was saying you didn't have the right.I can certainly understand why you did it....I guess it's just not MY style.I would be worried about facing a situation such as you did, and truthfully if I did I am not so sure how I might react. It's better to just not put myself in a situation to be hurt. Anyway..back to you.. I think you are doing what's best for you. Something like this is very very hard to get over. We're here for you if you need us....
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