In need of

[foxhounder01]

Hi, I just joined this site and this is my first thread so please bare with me. Today is my 1 year anniversary with my LDR partner. I live in the UK and she lives in the U.S. It makes visiting her very hard and so far I have visted her twice. The last time I was there I proposed to her and she accpeted. To much delight we decided to celebrate. Long story short we made love in her house. Her parents found out (because her mum looked into my fiancees text messages on her phone and found a joke text that she sent to one of her closest friends) and challenged her when we were all in the car. They were less than pleased at the notion of us making love in their house, even suggesting, on seperate occasions, we go to a hotel to do it, which in my eyes is a very seedy and awful thing to suggest, especially suggesting to their own daughter she goes to a hotel, to make love. The last day I was there her dad basically told me that I was not welcome in his household anymore and that we wouldn't be able to talk for a while.

 

When I got back, we were talking for the first couple days, and then she found out that her dad didn't want us talking for the next month, which anyone in an LDR should know that is a very horrible and disheartening feeling. As communication is key to a LDR to take that away, to me, is like taking my life away. I love her so much. We started looking into her transfering to a university over here, so that she could basically finish her studies here and we would be together. We still found time to talk, but today her mum basically told her that she knew we were still talking, and called her decitful (sorry if my spelling is awful) and apparently the university over here sent a letter to her house basically giving information about the university, which her mum challenged her about again, much like she did with the text message. My fiancee is unsure whether she opened the letter, or there were markings on the envelope. Now my fiancee is very worried that things will escalate. I keep thinking to myself that they're going to try and cut communication off completely between us.

 

Maybe I should mention that we are both 21. She goes to college and I am working. This makes things hard because they're helping her out, paying for college and her car and she's basically scared of them. They treat her like a maid and she does everything in their household, she's grown up very fast and has a lot of responsibilities. They won't let her get a job, and basically make her look after her younger brother. She constantly tells me how she can't stand living there anymore. Her mum is basically scared of the notion of her daughter moving to England to be with me, which as a parent I can understand, but she shows it with anger, and snaps at my finacee, which is very upsetting for her.

 

I need help because, I really don't know what to think about this situation, and I think that being able to talk with others in an LDR would help. My mum is very supportive of us and congratulated us on our anniversary. She even wrote a letter to my fiancees parents to try and smooth over the problems, and relate to them, but again my fiancees mum was sceptical and thought that it was something we put together.

 

They're starting to tear us apart, and dispite how strong we are, things keep on making it harder for us, and it's getting frustrating for my fiancee but it's having a very upsetting effect on me. Not only that but I have a problem with my anxiety and I have a tremor in my hand when I get nervous or anything that relates to me and my fiancee that is getting worse, brought on by this.

 

The problem with my fiancee is that she is scared of them, and what they can do. She won't stick up to them or challenge them, so they walk all over her and it's tough because she fears they will take everything away from her. She's told me before that "their wrath is greater than you think" which is very disconcerting (again sorry for the bad spelling) So what can we do? She's said that she's like a scared child. I know that she can stick up to them, but her fear of them is too great, and even though I know she can stick up to them, I have an overwhelming feeling that she won't stick up to them, and my back down.

 

We need advise and solutions...I really hope that someone will read this and help out.

 

Thank you in advance.

 

- foxhounder01

[Els]

Wait, just to clear things up... you proposed after visiting her twice????

 

Or were you together before, but were just recently in an LDR and then you visited her twice?

[taiko]

Another question before we give advice. The parents behaviour doesn't match with current American norms. Not saying that parents want their unmarried daughters having sex in their rooms, just the breaking contact with a fiance because he suggested the posibility. Are they recent, first generation, immigrants from another ethnic community, or perhaps more observant to a religion then you?

[foxhounder01]

Hi,

 

Elswyth: We just got engaged after meeting for the second time, but we keep in contact and see each other everyday on here. A lot of people said we moved too fast, but there's been nothing but support for us on my side of the family. We visited my fiancees family and they also seemed possitive about it too.

 

taiko: They are both American. This may have something to do with it. I failed to mention that her mother is white and her father is...what's the p/c way to say it? African American? I don't know if that has anything to do with it, but he basically seems to be in charge of the household. They're supposedly religious, but never ever act like it. I really wouldn't have believed it had it not have been my fiancee that told me. If they'd have told me I wouldn't have believed it.

 

Hopefully this answered your questions. Thank you for relying to my post.

 

- foxhounder01

[TMichaels]

Okay, let's take this a step at a time...

 

1) How did you meet your financee in the first place?

 

2) Did your fiancee's parents know you existed before you showed up at their door? If so, what did they think you were? A school chum? Friend? A boyfriend?

 

3) Where did you stay when you visited her in the U.S.?

 

4) When/where did you meet the first time?

 

5) Have either you or your fiancee had previous relationships? How many? How serious?

 

6) You say: "We visited my fiancee's family." Who is "we?"

 

7) So, you asked her to marry you and she accepted. Did you ask her father or at the very least, discuss your plans with her parents?

 

8) How soon were you planning on getting married? Where would you live -- in the US or the UK? Why?

 

9) If your fiancee is 21 yrs old, how much longer does she have until she finishes her degree?

 

10) Take your relationship out of the equation for a moment. What were her or her parents' expectations regarding what she would do following graduating from college?

 

11) Do both her parents work outside the home? Did either/both attend college or have degrees?

 

12) How old is her younger brother? Does she have any other siblings?

 

13) Delicate question. however, did the two of you take proper precautions when you were intimate? Was this the first time for either of you and/or both?

 

Sorry for all the questions, but your story is quite lengthy and involved, making it difficult to give advice without some more details and clarification.

 

Up to you, of course, whether you wish to answer. Hopefully, with more background others will be able to help.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Els]

So... you want her to stand up to her family (which will most likely either break ties with them or at least strain their relationship tremendously according to her) and transfer university after 2 meetings?

 

If she herself wants to do that, then fine. But you really, really, REALLY should not pressure or even ask/encourage/etc her to do that. It must be her decision and her decision alone, based on her own principles. Not something that she feels she must do to maintain her relationship, or for you. Can you imagine the strain it would put on your relationship if she were to do that and face the consequences? She would most likely grow to resent you -- that often happens when one party sacrifices too much for the sake of being 'together'.

 

Also, about the two meetings and constant online contact thing... do take it slow (assuming she manages to find a way around her parents.. how do THEY know she's communicating with you anyway? Surely there must be a way to do this on the sly?). Online contact certainly is real and meaningful, but there's still so much about her (and about you, from her POV) that you don't know, haven't seen, and will not see until you've spent sufficient time together RL. (I'm assuming that your meetings are, say, typical vacations of up to a few weeks, not several months at a time)