Garbo Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 My bf of about 5 months introduced me to his kids pretty early on in the relationship. We didn't show any affection and I was a "friend". Things have progressed to where we do hold hands, arm around each other. No kissing in front of them. When he has them, we do a lot of stuff together, and my bf has said he wants me to feel like part of the family. One of his kids has a sports game that he just started playing. I brought up that I would like to start attending them. I know this is freaking him out a little, and he has said that he is concerned about his ex's reaction (I have never met her) and he also doesn't want his kid to feel uncomfortable. But he did say he was glad I asked about it, that he thought it would be good, but wants time to think about it. The last we talked I told him it might be nice to ask his child myself if it would be okay if I went to his game and my bf seemed to be okay with this. My concern, which I told him, would be for him to let the child decide if I could come. There will be many uncomfortable situations to be encountered, and we will all be uncomfortable at first. I will probably have more to worry about than the his ex or child. If he says no, that he is not ready for me to come to the game, when does one decide it is time? After all, he wants me to be active in him and his childrens' lives.
Saxis Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 A couple things. Why is he worried about his Ex's reaction? The kids should be his priority, not her. Why does he give her that much control over his life still? Also, if he wants you to be involved, then he has to let you. There seems to be a bit of conflict there.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 In my opinion, if the child is younger than 16 I dont think it should be their decision to decide if he/she wants you at their game. If they say no, that they dont want you at their game, then they will feel like their dad is upset with them for diapproving .
Author Garbo Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 But do you think it's okay for the child (who is under 16) to be asked if they minded if I come to his game? I was thinking that the child should at least know that I'd be coming. As for his ex's reaction, I think he's worried about her causing a scene and the children being in the middle of it. Since I don't know her, I don't know how she'll act. But then that will make her look bad by causing a scene. I will miss the first game, because I think he's agreed to let me talk to his child about it and I won't get a chance before the first game. I don't want to push this, but I think I will bring this up again tonight to him to see if I can get more of a feeling where he stands.
nicki Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 (edited) I've been through this on both sides. Here's my perspective, and I understand that it may be different from someone elses. First, it's good that you want to be involved in the kids' lives. It's equally good that he wants you to do that as well. He is obviously serious about your relationship. Second, sports games are political nightmares. There will be other moms who like to gossip and who will notice you, the new woman. If the ex is there, it will be uncomfortable for her which in turn makes it uncomfortable for the kid. Third, there's nothing worse than watching a man parade a string of girlfriends at his kid's basketball games. I've seen many come and go. Not saying you two won't last, but maybe the game thing is something that should be reserved until the two of you have made a long term commitment to each other. Fourth, it doesn't have to be an issue. You can spend time with the kids on the weekends without going to the games. It's not that big of a deal. I never let boyfriends come to my kids' games and explained to them why. I let them be involved in other ways. Fifth, if you do really feel the need to be included in the games and kids have requested (on their own) that you come, then start off by going to their practices. And always be friendly with the ex when you see you. A few guidelines, if I may: Don't sit down by her and be her buddy, but smile, say hi and understand she really is the alpha female since it's her kid. It kinda is her territory so back off and let her lead. If she's a b#tch, then smile say "see ya later" and stand off to the side cheering for the team more than for the kid. Let the mom be the one to go to the kid first and you to follow. Don't take a leadership position. If you bring snacks, make sure you do it after she has already done it, or make it seem like it's you and the dad bringing them. Don't make a big display of it. It's enough if your boyfriend's kid knows that you picked out or brought the snacks. The whole team doesn't need to validate your amazing choices on juice boxes and donuts. Snacks, believe it or not, are also political. It's crazy. See, it's a can of worms. So, it's not all that great to go unless you know for sure that you want to spend your life with this guy and you hold a possible step-parent position. Even then, you come second to the mom. No power trips. Anyway, I realize that many situations can exist. The ex may be a friendly woman who will welcome you. She may have moved on with her own life and is ready for one big happy blended family where you all cheer together for the child you all love so much. But, that is rare. So, protect yourself and really think this through. You may not want to insert yourself in this drama at this point. At some point, yes, but explore the cost/benefits. Do you have kids of your own? That can give you perspective. I didn't go to many of my boyfriends' more visible kids' things because I didn't want them to be uncomfortable, even though they adored me. I made it about them, not me. Their mother was extremely jealous and petty. Poor kids. I didn't want to add to that tension unless it was necessary. I always stayed away from events where she would be. But, that was what was right for me. Don't really know if it would be for you or not. BUT, the boyfriend needs to be clear that your feelings come before his ex wife's feelings. That's important. He has to be willing to piss her off. For instance, if he wants to take you to a family reunion with the kids (where she will not be, but still throws a fit that you will be there.) A lot of crazy ex wives will say that your presence is "damaging" and other crap. A good boyfriend will tell her to go screw herself. So, your boyfriend sounds like he is already supportive of you and puts you first. That's the whole battle won right there. When he is worried about the sports events, he's thinking of the kids, not his ex wife. Good attitude, and one where you two can negotiate the road together. Ideal. If you want to be part of your boyfriend's kids' lives, then there are many ways to achieve it. The games aren't all that important if it could be tense. If it's not a big deal and there's no real tension, then go. Edited January 18, 2008 by nicki
nicki Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Of course, all the above pertains to a "girlfriend." Once you are a fiance or married, you belong at every game because you are a step-parent. Your status is elevated and will be recognized. And you should go regardless of any tension. It's a jungle out there. The soccer field is worse than the boardroom!
Author Garbo Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Nicki, Thanks much for your reply. The points you make are valid, and believe me I have thought about a couple of things you say. I know that I am taking a big chance that I will be ignored or worse if I show up at a game. I am serious about my bf, and I do spend lots of time with him and his kids doing many different things. If his ex does not know about me, just from hearing my name from the kids, it would be a miracle. I know for a fact that my name has been mentioned by the kids. My bf and her do not talk about their personal lives to each other so I know he has not mentioned me to her and he's told me that she has not asked about me. So she probably suspects he's seeing someone.
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