MakeItCount Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Please don't listen to the men here who are being rude, crude and disrespectful simply in order to protect what is essentially a really nasty habit. They look at dirty pictures, yank their pathetic little puds, and think that this makes them 'men'. If it is not acceptable to you, then it IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. Period. Just as you would be expected to stop certain behaviors if it made your hubby unhappy, he should have enough respect for you to stop jacking off to nudie pics. Some of the men here are seriously deluded. Not to mention socially retarded (did one of them really say he'd watched porn and masturbated in a room full of people?). And he was proud of it...Wow. Recently my husband confessed that he has been watching porn on his computer while I am away or sleeping. I had previously told him that I didn't like him secretly watching porn because when I find out he was I feel jealous, betrayed and upset that I do not do enough to satisfy him so he has to go elsewhere. I told him I would enjoy watching it with him, but neither of us has initiated that as of today. I do obviously get jealous and feel hurt knowing that he does this behind my back. I know a lot of men do, but I just thought that we had a good marriage and sex life he wouldn't need to be doing this behind my back. I asked him if he would stop if I tried different things, we watched together or we had sex more often during the week. He got angry at me and told me I couldn't tell him to stop and that i needed to stop being crazy about it. This whole thing has just made me upset and now I wonder when we are having sex if he is thinking about me or one of his porn stars. Am I being crazy? Or is it normal to feel jealous and what do I do?!
MakeItCount Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Coercion? What a joke. Btw, OP - that's what porners are...A joke. Rainfall says, And it may not be good for a monogamous relationship, as far as Rainfall or HokeyReligions is concerned. It is also completely unavoidable in most cases. Just curious Hokey, what is it about porn that degrades sex? Is it the camera? Is it the act of voyeurism? Is it the sex devoid of love? Or are you refering to certain porno's themes that are degrading individuals? Would you be opposed to video taping yourself for your own personal viewing pleasure? Is that porno degrading? I am actually ok with women having a porn policy. I am also ok with their husbands rebeling against the cooersion. Different strokes for different folks, ya know. If a man is willing to put up with such demands, that's all him. I say, let them be property!
HokeyReligions Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 (edited) I read this.. and ask myself.. "does her husband have a collar too?". No. It's called respect and love for self and partner. We've been together over 25 years. Pornography is not important to him. There are many men, and women, for whom porn is not a requirement or even high on their priority list. For young couples, its a topic that should be discussed so that each partner knows where the other stands on the issue. It could be a make or break priority in a relationship. And I can honestly say I've never been attracted to anyone else. Neither has he. That is not to say we don't see other people as attractive or even sexy, but not attracted TO them. I really feel bad for people who can't understand this concept or choose not to believe it because they can't find any comparable relationship first-hand. It's sad. Edited February 2, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
annieo Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 No. It's called respect and love for self and partner. We've been together over 25 years. Pornography is not important to him. There are many men, and women, for whom porn is not a requirement or even high on their priority list. For young couples, its a topic that should be discussed so that each partner knows where the other stands on the issue. It could be a make or break priority in a relationship. And I can honestly say I've never been attracted to anyone else. Neither has he. That is not to say we don't see other people as attractive or even sexy, but not attracted TO them. I really feel bad for people who can't understand this concept or choose not to believe it because they can't find any comparable relationship first-hand. It's sad. You are very lucky to be in this relationship. I'm sure it does simplify things. I have a hard time imagining being with someone for 25 years and NEVER finding anyone else seriously attractive, but that's my bias. I generally do, although I generally don't do anything about it.
Lizzie60 Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Come on.. A little porn a day keeps the therapist away! Seriously, there is nothing wrong in watching porn IMO, as long as he is not doing JUST that. You say you feel jealous and you think he might think of the porn star when he makes love to you... you know what? He also might think of the beautiful sexy girl he saw at the mall that day or at work, or at the grocery store... Sorry but you have absolutely no control over his mind. The more you will nag about it, the worst it will get... just ignore it or just watch with him... he will probably get tired of it anyway. Just remember no one has control over our mind.
annieo Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Come on.. A little porn a day keeps the therapist away! Seriously, there is nothing wrong in watching porn IMO, as long as he is not doing JUST that. You say you feel jealous and you think he might think of the porn star when he makes love to you... you know what? He also might think of the beautiful sexy girl he saw at the mall that day or at work, or at the grocery store... Sorry but you have absolutely no control over his mind. The more you will nag about it, the worst it will get... just ignore it or just watch with him... he will probably get tired of it anyway. Just remember no one has control over our mind. Well said, once again.
Lizzie60 Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Well said, once again. Thanks... I once asked a few men what they were thinking when they were masturbating... They said it depend on the last sexy woman they've seen... one said he had stopped at the grocery store that week and he saw a very classic older woman.. so she was the one he thought about. It could be a woman he saw in the bus... or at work... Most men are like that. they are visual creatures...
Lovelybird Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 (edited) Watching porn is like sow a weed in the mind, then these weeds will grow wildly. some men can be addictive to porn, and ruin their own life and families. some men can become perverted because they watch too much porn. they may play that image out with their own girlfriend and wives, of course disrespectfully. they can develop ED due to too much masterbation. they can become sexual oriented (no love involves), so less connected with their wives in a deeper emotional spiritual level. how sad. they treat the dessert like dinner, so they get bored very easily, so seek more strange sex activities. it is like despaire hole that can never be filled, quantity or pervertion can never replace quality OP, there are methods you can apply to fight this issue. A woman who delt with this issue and many other marriage issues successfully wrote a book, "Pray through deeper issues of marriage", her name is Stormie Omartian. Hope this book will offer the help you seek Edited February 2, 2008 by Lovelybird
annieo Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Watching porn is like sow a weed in the mind, then these weeds will grow wildly. some men can be addictive to porn, and ruin their own life and families. some men can become perverted because they watch too much porn. they may play that image out with their own girlfriend and wives, of course disrespectfully. they can develop ED due to too much masterbation. they can become sexual oriented (no love involves), so less connected with their wives in a deeper emotional spiritual level. how sad. they treat the dessert like dinner, so they get bored very easily, so seek more strange sex activities. it is like despaire hole that can never be filled, quantity or pervertion can never replace quality OP, there are methods you can apply to fight this issue. A woman who delt with this issue and many other marriage issues successfully wrote a book, "Pray through deeper issues of marriage", her name is Stormie Omartian. Hope this book will offer the help you seek I think your advice is well intended, but once again (as lizzie60 pointed out) who is going to police the mind of their spouse (or the masturbation habits - we all have a shower alone sometimes...). I agree that porn CAN be destructive to some, but for those same people, if there wasn't porn, there would be their imaginations, fantasies. People got up to all kinds of stuff before the internet. And I've noticed that some of the most obviously pious and supposedly prayerful (Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Baker, amongst others) are also philanderers.
HisLove Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I asked my man about this topic. He said it's just fantasy and it's natural. It has nothing to do with him being dissatisfied. He said as long as I'm loving him and he's loving me, that's all that matters. Do I watch it with him, does it bother me. Yes and no respectively. Then he went on to say that he thinks more women than men watch porn lol. I'm not real sure about that fact. Sometimes, I get off on a fantasy that doesn't involve him. I adore him. Nothing would make me step out on him. So I figure he feels the same. He makes me very happy. I'd rather have real any day.
norajane Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Sorry but you have absolutely no control over his mind. ... Just remember no one has control over our mind.Nor should you WANT control over someone's mind...
blackbird Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Question: what are your thoughts on the exploitative nature of the porn industry? Do you feel it is exploitative at all? Of either or both the people who perform in it, or those who consume it?
Desperate HH Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Question: what are your thoughts on the exploitative nature of the TOY industry? Do you feel it is exploitative at all? Of either or both the people who perform in it, or the children who consume it? Whose should take responsibility, to assure that the TOY workers in China are not "exploited"? You, as busybody do-gooder? me, as consumer? Hasbro? WalMart? the factory owner? the consumer's government? the worker's government? What about "amateur" porn, that is apparently produced by the models, to satisfy their own fetishes? DHH
Lovelybird Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I think the people make money out of porn are exploitative, the people who watch the porn are also exploitative, it is like to enjoy fun out of lacking-of-human-dignity (sex is made for marriage for love, no one should be treated like a whore), not mention those porn about underage, pervertion--severe twist of human dignity
Enema Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I think the people make money out of porn are exploitative, the people who watch the porn are also exploitative, it is like to enjoy fun out of lacking-of-human-dignity (sex is made for marriage for love, no one should be treated like a whore), not mention those porn about underage, pervertion--severe twist of human dignity The actors get paid very well to do what they do, of their own free will. You seem to think the women in porn are victims. The only people being "exploited" are those suckers buying the porn. Dragging underage and illegal porn into this is a whole other discussion and it reflects on you poorly to lump them all together.
HokeyReligions Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Porn has nothing to do with love, commitment, emotional connection, or intimacy, or even sex. Sex is natural, porn is not - it is a contrivance of mankind. I am so glad that my husband knows the difference and that intimacy and passion and love are more important to him. And its not something I taught him or forced on him - its his own moral code and values that sets the priority point for these things and his values and mine match which is why we connected in the first place. He doesn't require outside stimulation for sex. He never has. Sex is different from love, but understanding how each individual connects sex and love emotionally is vital because we all attach different emotional ties to both. Our outlooks on porn change over time as well. 30 years ago I thought porn was funny and embarassing - at least, I was embarassed for the people in it and embarassed for myself for looking at it. Even then to me it was devaluing and disrespection the relationships that did, or could, exist between men and women. I bought a Playgirl magazine once when I was a teenager because I was curious about the body. I didn't think it was attractive at all, but my anatomy questions were answered! Does it exploit people? Yes, I think it does and for a variety of reasons, mainly because it confuses emotions and expectations and is a stepping stone to addictive behavior and future relationship problems - such as evidenced here where so many people have issues with it and it effects their emotions and trust, especially when so many people tell others to get over it. How can one trust their partner or their friends if their own feelings and views about porn are so dismissed? Any issue that one person will not even consider giving up or altering their habits, can destroy a relationship. It doesn't matter if that issue is supported by everyone else - if their partner has a problem with it, it should be a big red flag to the relationship. Porn, alcohol, smoking, gambling, video games, sports, knitting, rollerblading, religion, etc. It doesn't mean it can't be worked out to the satisfaction of both parties - but anything that has a direct impact on the amount and quality of time people spend together needs to match up fairly well and not hurt the other person's feelings. Pornography touches the very core of a person's own self-worth and value system, because it deals with something that is a basic instinct and has a direct physical impact on each person.
OpenBook Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I am so glad that my husband knows the difference and that intimacy and passion and love are more important to him. And its not something I taught him or forced on him - its his own moral code and values that sets the priority point for these things and his values and mine match which is why we connected in the first place. He doesn't require outside stimulation for sex. He never has. Sex is different from love, but understanding how each individual connects sex and love emotionally is vital because we all attach different emotional ties to both. Aren't you in a sexless M? Didn't you and your H give up on sex years ago? Or am I confusing you with another poster?
Sierra Sunrise Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 This is like beating dead horses in the head over and over. I have seen this topic on this forum argued so much that it's just pathetic. Everyone has different views. You know women think to ask a guy when she's dating him about his job, his siblings/family, about his views on politics, religion, marriage/children, but what they don't ask about is his views on porn. Wouldn't it make relationships a lot easier if you did? I mean you ask about everything else. When I was single, many years ago, I would ask. Or when Hubby and I separated the few times we did and did actually partake in dating here and there I would ask. Reason? Well because if he is addicted to the stuff then he is not for me, not even in casual dating. Now having said that do you expect him to tell the truth especially if he has an addiction to the stuff? No. So gut instinct is best. You can always tell, more often than not, when someone is uncomfortable talking about a subject. So I'd say if you would learn to talk about this before anything blossoms this would help out a lot. My views on porn are still the same. A little is not going to kill anyone, however if it becomes a problem to the point that he needs it to get off and you're not getting any, then there is a problem. Otherwise leave the men alone. Hell life is too short and spatting over a bit of porn is useless because then he'll just hide it or it will make him feel like you're the warden and he'll resent you. Compromise makes the world go round.
zomgsavemymarriage Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 For the life of me I can not figure out why husbands still seek porn even though their wives want to have sex with them on a regular basis. I am totured everyday having to deal with my wife's mental and physical problems. She is a prude and has ruined every single aspect of sexuality in our marriage. I look at porn because I can not rely on her to satisfy my needs. If I want to see a pair of breasts I have no choice than to look at pictures. My wife makes a hard effort to hide her body from me, but yet has no problem wearing tops that are tight and show cleavage. If I take notice of her lovely bosoms she gets angry. I have had satisfying sexuall relationships before this and could care less looking at porn. But now If I want to see the female form in all its glory I have to look at pictures.
Anna Comnena Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 No. It's called respect and love for self and partner. We've been together over 25 years. Pornography is not important to him. There are many men, and women, for whom porn is not a requirement or even high on their priority list. For young couples, its a topic that should be discussed so that each partner knows where the other stands on the issue. It could be a make or break priority in a relationship. And I can honestly say I've never been attracted to anyone else. Neither has he. That is not to say we don't see other people as attractive or even sexy, but not attracted TO them. I really feel bad for people who can't understand this concept or choose not to believe it because they can't find any comparable relationship first-hand. It's sad. They way you wrote your prior response was quite controling. As if you were forcing him one way or another.. but.. he "does it because he loves you"... so.. what do YOU GIVE UP, "because you love him"? Many people don't like porn for various reasons... It's funny that alot of women HATE PORN.. but can't seem to put down their "steamy romance novels." I'm not the type of person who is attracted to someone just because of their looks.. and I'm only in to reading non-fiction. But.. every once in a while, I find myself "falling for" (in the very slight sense) a movie character. But.. it sounds like you're never attacted to anyone or anything ... which.. makes you less than human!!! So.. Good for being "perfect and Less than Human".. no wonder you're quite the fan of religion.
niceconfusedgirl Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 if he can't give up porn, just leave him. porn opens the door to cheating. dont listen to the people who call porn a tool. it is a way to cheat on you without actually doing it. leave him. he isn't worth your time. sorry that your marriage had to come to such a bad end.
RitaJ Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Niki, I completely understand, I'm going through the same thing! How long have you been married? How old are you two? My husband and I have been married 27 years and the last two have been rough. He and I are both in mid 40s. I always suspected my husband was watching porn on the interet. I would find images left on the computer screen or pop ups would appear on the computer and he would always deny and blame it on our son. Recently, our sex life has become nonexistent, we argue all the time, we never touch each other, we don't even kiss. Every night it's the same old thing, he comes home from work, eats, watces tv and falls asleep on the couch and I go to bed alone. Apparently, he's been waking up in the middle of the night and he masturbates to porn on the computer. In december, I caught him in the middle of it, and told him I didn't like it, it is disgusting and offensive and disrespectful to me. I told him if he spent more time trying to be a better husband, then he wouldn't have to get himself off to a computer screen, he could have real sex. Anyways, I 've recently caught him twice. Once in the act again, and another time, I think he just finished. I came in the room and he said good morning, I love your night gown. He left the room, and I back paged on the computer to see what screens he was on and I found out he had been on the porno website again. I told him I caught him again, he tried to deny it, since I never saw him in the act this time, he tried to balame it on our son, who never even uses this computer. So, I showed him, how easy it is for me to check on what he's been viewing. So, we ended up fighting about other crap and I got pissed off. I'm angry, hurt, jealous, I feel like our marriage sucks. We've only slept together 3 times this year! All in January, none in February! I put a porno block on the computer two days ago, and the first morning it was on the computer, I checked it, and my husband tried 10 times to view porn at all hours of the night, but couldn't see anything. Just knowing he was trying to do it again after we had our fight about it the day before, really upset me even more. Now I'm glad I have the block on, I can monitor everything he surfs on the web. And I am notified every time he attempts to access porn. I think he's caught on to the block, but he doesn't know how to remove it from the computer. But at least the porn viewing has ceased. I thought if he doesn't masturbate so much he might return to the bedroom. So we'll see. I'm just so frustrated and upset, we're headed to divorce court if things don't change soon. Or, maybe I'll look for a boyfriend. I shouldn't be treated this way and neither should you. At least your husband still sleeps with you, that's a good sign.
fral945 Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 Many people don't like porn for various reasons... It's funny that alot of women HATE PORN.. but can't seem to put down their "steamy romance novels." I'm not the type of person who is attracted to someone just because of their looks.. and I'm only in to reading non-fiction. But.. every once in a while, I find myself "falling for" (in the very slight sense) a movie character. But.. it sounds like you're never attacted to anyone or anything ... which.. makes you less than human!!! So.. Good for being "perfect and Less than Human".. no wonder you're quite the fan of religion. Anna, Thanks for being a reasonable female. Glad to see that not all the females on here are prudes. HokeyReligions, It's impossible that you're husband has never been attracted to another woman. He may not act on his feelings, but I'm sure he has lusted after other women at some time in his life. I think you are looking at things through rose colored glasses. There are lots of reasons for married men to view porn. Put yourself in a married man's shoes for a minute. Some reasons he's looking at porn could include: 1) Wife is willing to have sex but no be physically attractive anymore (weight gain, etc.) and not willing to do anything about it 2) Wife is available, but not willing to experiment in bed (i.e., a prude) 3) Wife is available, but not often enough 4) Family problems which don't allow husband & wife to be around each other often enough (hospitilizations, family issues, etc.) 5) One spouse travels and is on the road for days or weeks at a time 6) Kids (do I have to say anymore?) I'm sure there are many other reasons, but these are some common real life situations I can think of. What are married men who want to stay faithful but relieve their sexual tension to do? I'm not advocating that men should go out and cheat on their wives, but at least acknowledge that sex in general is much more important for a man's well being than for a woman. The men who perpetrate most of the sexual crimes (i.e., rapists, child molestors, priests, etc.) are overwhelmingly male. I've posted on here to ask if there were any females who watched porn and I received only a handful of positive reponses. I think it's obvious to most people the physical aspects of sex aren't as important to the female. I think the best analogy for women to understand how strong the man's urge for sex & sexual variety would be to compare it to the urge for food. With food: 1) You can only go without it for so long 2) If you're hungry enough, you'll eat anything 3) You don't eat the same thing everyday. (Can you name one person you know that eats the same thing for every meal every day?) Similarly, with sex: 1) You can only go without it for so long 2) If you're horny enough, you will find a way to get your release, whether that be through your spouse, porn, an affair, perversions, etc. 3) For men at least, after a while, you will get tired of same type of sex with the same person, it's just in our nature
annieo Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Anna, Thanks for being a reasonable female. Glad to see that not all the females on here are prudes. HokeyReligions, It's impossible that you're husband has never been attracted to another woman. He may not act on his feelings, but I'm sure he has lusted after other women at some time in his life. I think you are looking at things through rose colored glasses. There are lots of reasons for married men to view porn. Put yourself in a married man's shoes for a minute. Some reasons he's looking at porn could include: 1) Wife is willing to have sex but no be physically attractive anymore (weight gain, etc.) and not willing to do anything about it 2) Wife is available, but not willing to experiment in bed (i.e., a prude) 3) Wife is available, but not often enough 4) Family problems which don't allow husband & wife to be around each other often enough (hospitilizations, family issues, etc.) 5) One spouse travels and is on the road for days or weeks at a time 6) Kids (do I have to say anymore?) I'm sure there are many other reasons, but these are some common real life situations I can think of. What are married men who want to stay faithful but relieve their sexual tension to do? I'm not advocating that men should go out and cheat on their wives, but at least acknowledge that sex in general is much more important for a man's well being than for a woman. The men who perpetrate most of the sexual crimes (i.e., rapists, child molestors, priests, etc.) are overwhelmingly male. I've posted on here to ask if there were any females who watched porn and I received only a handful of positive reponses. I think it's obvious to most people the physical aspects of sex aren't as important to the female. I think the best analogy for women to understand how strong the man's urge for sex & sexual variety would be to compare it to the urge for food. With food: 1) You can only go without it for so long 2) If you're hungry enough, you'll eat anything 3) You don't eat the same thing everyday. (Can you name one person you know that eats the same thing for every meal every day?) Similarly, with sex: 1) You can only go without it for so long 2) If you're horny enough, you will find a way to get your release, whether that be through your spouse, porn, an affair, perversions, etc. 3) For men at least, after a while, you will get tired of same type of sex with the same person, it's just in our nature Why do men always do this food/sex analogy? You are talking about a person, who you supposedly love. How can you equate this person to a steak, however juicy, that you just couldn't manage to eat every night. Women are not food!
Lovelybird Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 (edited) It would shock most Christian women to realize how many Christian men struggle with pornography. Part of the spiritual devastation of pornography is that it trains men to be selfish in bed. In God's world, Christian men will find their greatest pleasure in pleasuring their wives; that's the way God made us. When Jesus said, "It is better to give than to receive," although he may not have been specifically talking about sexual relations, it's as true in bed as it is out of it. There's nothing more fulfilling to a healthy Christian man than satisfying his wife. That's why pornography is so destructive to both husband and wife; it distorts expectations and directly assaults pure motivations Sex is not a physical need in the same way that food is. But it is certainly a physiological drive. It is predictable, and it is physical as well as emotional. Most important, this physical desire—which feels like a need—that a man and woman have for each other is there by God's design. We can use this sense of need as a way to grow as servants of each other. The truth is, without this physiological drive many couples would slowly drift apart. We are by nature selfish beings who hide from each other. Maintaining a steady pursuit toward and empathy for another human being goes against our sinful, egocentric bent. By creating a physical desire, God invites us to share, connect with, and enter the life and soul of another human being in a profound way. This is why we women hate men look at porn, he will become a selfish lover, or a non-lover, and degrade sex The brain is the best sex organ, if your sex life is dull, you have to work on heart and mind Husbands, stop being selfish and begin to really care and love your wife, and your wife will jump at you and there is a interesting article the appeal of porn--why men hooked http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2002/003/10.54.html Edited February 21, 2008 by Lovelybird
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