upstatedadof3 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I am in desperate need of advice. My alcoholic wife of 15 years has taken things to the level where I believe divorce is the best answer. My concern is the children, I cannot leave them alone in the house with this woman. One time, she was passed out drunk while I was away on business and the neighbor found our 2 year old wandering the street at 3 AM. Thank GOD he was attracted to their porch light and their dog started barking, so he was returned safe. What steps can I take to force her into treatment or force her out of the house???? I have video evidence, hospital reports of intoxication, police reports of intoxication. She claims spousal abuse (when she is drunk) and now it is I who is in legal trouble for harassment charges. PLEASE HELP ME. I need to make sure my kids are not going to get injured or killed by this woman on her next binge and at this point I do not know what to do or where to turn.
Touche Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 We can be here to support you but no one here can give you the real help you need. Get a lawyer ASAP! You can't force her into treatment nor can you force her out of the house. You need a lawyer. Do this the right way. Sounds like you have an excellent case.
lost4ever Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 sorry to say I know a great deal about this....and I will tell you it is a very hard task. In regards to her not getting the children, video's and such do not help. Your family saying she is unfit doesn't help (It helps but not as much as you would hope). you need to have either an unbaias witness (your neighbor?) to write a statement of what they have seen. or you need her to admit she needs help. it might sound mean, but this is what I would do (if you don't think she will get better). You need to tell her you are leaving with the children unless she checks in to a clinic (make sure she does it or leaves the house) YOU NEED HER TO CHECK HERSELF IN! that way if and when you go to court for the children; you have proof that even she thinks she has a problem. Good luck!!
Touche Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Lost, with all due respect, I don't think you can say whether the video will help the case or not. It really depends on what state upstate lives in. In No-Fault states I believe it doesn't make a difference, otherwise it can and does make a difference.
lost4ever Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 sorry to say I know a great deal about this....and I will tell you it is a very hard task. In regards to her not getting the children, video's and such do not help. Your family saying she is unfit doesn't help (It helps but not as much as you would hope). Good luck!! In the two states that I have had experience with this, it didn't help all that much.
Touche Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 In the two states that I have had experience with this, it didn't help all that much. Were they No Fault states? Also, it depends on the lawyer AND the judge sometimes too.
lost4ever Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 below is the advice I was given in my situation, I belive that the rules for child custody are the same no matter if the state is a no fault or fault state for divorce, divorce and custody are two seperate issues. and two seperate cases, they do not care about your divorce they care about the children, drinking is a great reason to be worried, I am saying it is harder to prove than you think...thats all.... DO NOT take covert pictures or tape conversations of unless you have obtained legal advice before taking the action. Such actions can be illegal under the laws of the state in which they are done (taping phone conversations is also controlled by federal law). Keeping record of incidents can be helpful if they can be attested to by a third party. "Third party" does not mean the children, judges do not look favorably on any parent who involves their child unless there is absolutely no other choice. DO NOT call the police unless you have valid proof that the children or other persons are in immediate danger. another thing I was adviced to consider: Contact arbitration, once you do so they will study/ research the claim and make a recommendation to the judge.
Author upstatedadof3 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 I will not bring up the video, pictures unless my atty suggests. I do have evidence of a couple (failed) attempts at rehab, police reports, and a couple hospital reports. This sounds like these are ok to use, but will still check with the atty. Still concerned... what if she calls me and is intoxicated, maybe I will call the neighbors to intervene first. I cannot intervene - at all - due to the 'no contact' order, doing so would be a felony charge. But if she gets drunk, I expect her to call me, probably in tears and apologizing yet again for her childish behaviour. This would not be considered contacting her.
lost4ever Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I'm confused....You have a no-contact order against you???? You and your wife should not be around each other at all if you or her have a no contact order The only way to get a no contact order is when the judge determines the person is a threat to either the children or other victim, after a MAJOR domestic violence case (btw, neighbors count as a third party, so it would be a violation) and no contact orders end when the criminal case is solved or the victim request it..... what is the rest of your story?
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Each area certainly has it's own rules, but I can tell you what little I know about this. It won't be easy, and it might be even more difficult if there is legal action of some kind against you. If you are not living in the home, which I assume based on the "no contact" order referred to, you can call the child protection agency in your area. I'm not sure if you have to give your name, I think a call can be made anonymously. They are required to investigate all complaints. I know this because my ex husband called them on me. Long story, and his concerns were deemed invalid, which is why I can understand that you can have a no contact order and still be innocent. It doesn't take much to get one in my experience, and yes, it could be obtained with lies. The other thing that was done with my sister in law many years ago was a forced rehab, but they could only keep her for 72 hours without her consent. She ended up voluntarily submitting to the program, but the 72 hours needs to be mentioned and understood. Her parents had to call the coroner (of all people) but that's just how it was done in this area, and I'm not sure if that still is the case. The coroner signed some kind of order and the police picked up my sister in law and delivered her to rehab. I think they had to convince the coroner that she was a danger to herself (or others, but in her case it was to herself) and I'm not clear how that came about. I would call every social agency in the book, as well as an attorney, and ask questions. Call the local mental health authorities first and go from there. the law is good, but it often moves too slowly. I'm guessing that any agency might move too slowly for you at this point, but you have to start dialing. Monday is a holiday in the US, so get moving tomorrow! In my state, the welfare of children is a primary concern and taken very seriously. Good luck. There is always more to a person's story, but I assume your concerns and motives are genuine.
Author upstatedadof3 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 BELIEVE ME, It does not take major domestic abuse to get slapped with a no contact. It does take an idenitcal fight 10 months ago where she was drunk, I was angry, and she called the police. That resulted in a "do not harrass" order, still ok to live together, but don't yell, fight, or look sideways at her for a year. If you harass within that year, you get slapped with a contempt of court. Fast forward 10 months. I'm asleep, no drinking at all, after putting the kids to bed at 9 PM. Wake up at 2 AM, she's still up drinking, and fully wasted. So of course, I am upset, and like an idiot, start yelling. She calls the cops, and I spend the night in Jail. Now it's a real no contact, cant get anywhere near her until court next week.
Touche Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 BELIEVE ME, It does not take major domestic abuse to get slapped with a no contact. It does take an idenitcal fight 10 months ago where she was drunk, I was angry, and she called the police. That resulted in a "do not harrass" order, still ok to live together, but don't yell, fight, or look sideways at her for a year. If you harass within that year, you get slapped with a contempt of court. Fast forward 10 months. I'm asleep, no drinking at all, after putting the kids to bed at 9 PM. Wake up at 2 AM, she's still up drinking, and fully wasted. So of course, I am upset, and like an idiot, start yelling. She calls the cops, and I spend the night in Jail. Now it's a real no contact, cant get anywhere near her until court next week. Why were you provoking her if she wasn't bothering you and the kids were in bed? Why yell at her? Do you think that's going to make her stop drinking?
Author upstatedadof3 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Lost, also, the victim cannot request a domestic charge be dropped. Too many years of abusers manipulating the victims after and coercing them not to press charges. Once a wife calls, even if they say "i didn't mean it" or "shouldn't have called" (which she did both), it is the ADA who charges you, not her. The ADA will talk to her, but will NOT drop the case. This is why I had a limited order that said don't harrass - kind of like saying don't break the law, and if you do, not only will we give it too you hard the next time, but this time comes back twice as bad. I should have forced all these issues right then (treatment, counsuling), and we did try, but it didn't take. I went to treatment for anger management as well. Your earlier advice on her admitting her disease got me thinking... maybe a signed letter to the ADA admitting she has a problem with alcohol could help 1. me stay out of jail, and 2. force her into some type of treatment. I really just want her to stop drinking, just do not know how it will ever happen. For me, treatment is NOT going to be optional. At a minimum I see at least a year of anger management consuling and probably probation in my immediate future. Best case. Worst case is too scary to even contemplate.
Author upstatedadof3 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Yup, that's what I struggle with. When she drinks, I feel powerless. Get visions of my world going to **** (like it is now). It physically hurts me - right in my heart - to watch her in that state. I might be scared of loss. Both my parents are dead and some days I am very lonely. I was on zoloft for past 5 years after my dad died, but finally stopped taking it last month, to try to deal with these feelings "on my own". In hindsight, probably a mistake....... Guess I need a good shrink.
Touche Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Yup, that's what I struggle with. When she drinks, I feel powerless. Get visions of my world going to **** (like it is now). It physically hurts me - right in my heart - to watch her in that state. I might be scared of loss. Both my parents are dead and some days I am very lonely. I was on zoloft for past 5 years after my dad died, but finally stopped taking it last month, to try to deal with these feelings "on my own". In hindsight, probably a mistake....... Guess I need a good shrink. Please don't tell me you quit zoloft cold turkey. Do some research and get a good doctor. You have to wean yourself off of it. You can't just go cold turkey like that. It can be very dangerous. But don't take my word for it. Do your homework and please get help. You have kids in the middle of all of this mess. You can't control her so forget that. Take control of yourself and take care of your kids. You can turn this around and start a new life. You both sound like poison for each other and for your kids. You're better off on your own.
Author upstatedadof3 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Please don't tell me you quit zoloft cold turkey. Do some research and get a good doctor. You have to wean yourself off of it. You can't just go cold turkey like that. It can be very dangerous. But don't take my word for it. Do your homework and please get help. You have kids in the middle of all of this mess. You can't control her so forget that. Take control of yourself and take care of your kids. Yeah, like I said, not the best decision... You can turn this around and start a new life. You both sound like poison for each other and for your kids. You're better off on your own. Not so sure on this comment, just too many shades of grey.
Touche Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Not so sure on this comment, just too many shades of grey. Too many shades of grey? How so? It's pretty simple really. ONE, you shouldn't get off the drug cold turkey. TWO, you need to physically separate from your wife and get a lawyer and take care of your kids. Seems pretty black and white to me.
Author upstatedadof3 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Too late on zoey - I'm off it for a month already. Drugs are not perfect, and zoloft can help BUT it also hurts. Makes the pain from abuse and yelling seem less important than it shoould be. Advice to leave her and the kids is over simplified. This is 15 years with 3 small children. They (including her) are MY LIFE.
Touche Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Too late on zoey - I'm off it for a month already. Drugs are not perfect, and zoloft can help BUT it also hurts. Makes the pain from abuse and yelling seem less important than it shoould be. Advice to leave her and the kids is over simplified. This is 15 years with 3 small children. They (including her) are MY LIFE. Oversimplified? I think not. Not when your kids are caught in the crossfire. Do you think it's good for them to see you and your wife yelling at each other? I'm married 12 years so I understand where you're coming from but this isn't only about YOUR life and YOU. It's also about your kids. Remember them?
Author upstatedadof3 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Ya know what I really want??? Someone, anyone who has been through a similar situation (Alky wife) and SURVIVED. Made it. How did you do it? Who helped?
dropdeadlegs Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 I'm female, so I haven't had an alky wife and survived, but I would like to help. Do you believe that your wife still loves you? Does she have moments of clarity where even she recognizes that she might very well have a problem? Or is she far beyond that? There is a program on A&E that does documentaries on people with addiction issues. Basically they have a professional addiction therapist come in and they have an "intervention." That's the name of the show, Intervention. I don't think you need a TV crew to get the same results, just a bunch of friends/family that share your concerns and a pro to kind of keep things in order. I recommend this as a possibility but I'm concerned about the no contact order prohibiting this kind of contact. That thing is making your situation more difficult. Still, I'm trying to give you some hope!
lost4ever Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 My family was/is like the Betty Ford Clinc, I have been in this scenairo, every which way imagined. I know the feelings you have towards your wife, especially if she is a good person when she is not drinking. I understand as a man you want to protect your wife and not give up on her. I also understand your children and how they feel. With your situation I can also understand why you will not and can not leave the home right now. YOU NEED A GOOD LAWYER ASAP! Your wife will not get better on her own you have to take a heavy hand in this, and it has to be done in the right way. You are in too much trouble to just take the kids, so stay there and make sure they are safe. Get help, a lot of it for your wife, beg, plead, whatever you need to do in your situation for her to undertand that this is a problem (don;t use violence, it will not help your situation). And another suggestion: Go to the book store right this minute and pick up a book called Children of Alcoholism: A survivors Manual by Judith Seixas and Geraldine Youcha. You need to read this book to understand how your children are feeling in this situation. Please read it. I have a weird question for you, but it will help me understand a great deal of what is going on in the house. Is your Living room Spotless but other areas of the house a total mess?
Kasan Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 To the OP-- I have never walked in your shoes, but my husband grew up being parented by two violent alcoholics, who when they grew tired of taking their anger and frustrations out on each other turned on their children. I am not going to go into the details of what inebriated parenting can do to children, suffice it to say, you OWE your children the BEST possible childhood that you can give them. No child should grow up in a home where there is alcoholism and extreme arguing and/or violence. (Not to say that you are violent OP) Do what you have to do, to create a SAFE environment for these kids. They should be your first priority.
Author upstatedadof3 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Thanks for the advice. I treally helps. The legal advice on divorce has to take second place to the legal advice of staying out of jail. I will get a lawyer soon as I get through the immediate no-contact issue. At least that way I can start to take preventative steps. She has a meeting with the ADA today and talked to him for an hour. Basically admitted that drinking is a problem, she should have NOT called the cops, and that she wants me home. But like I said, they hear this all the time. I suspect that until court Tuedsay, I stay away, but this should help my case according to my lawyer. She has also contacted her AA sponsor for support and advice. Legs, thank you for the support. YES there are many moments of clarity where things are very good. The kids are the most important part of both our lives. Luckily, the episodes are infrequent, one every few months. But they are also unpredictable (by me) and I never know when the "fuse is lit". I guess its good news that this does not happen on a daily basis, so there is hope. Lost, thank you as well. I will get that book today. The Living Room comment is odd... Basically, cleaning is a full time job with 3 kids and their friends. We are teaching them to clean after themselves, but the baby (3 yo) is really destructive. He enjoys jumping on couch cusions, writes on walls, pours his drinks in little puddles - basically doing his job as a baby. So, the house is equally messy in every room!
Kasan Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 She has also contacted her AA sponsor for support and advice. I guess its good news that this does not happen on a daily basis, so there is hope. This is really good news that she is in contact with her AA sponsor and doesn't drink on a daily basis, like my husband's parents did. I agree with you, there is hope! Keep your chin up!
Recommended Posts