JaneInVegas Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 My daughter has had the same best friend for about 3 years now. They are totally joined at the hip and any attempts to dislodge them would wreak havoc in both households and cause much stress and problems. My daughter is 15, her friend is 14. Okay, so here's the situation. Her friend (let's call her Amy) comes from a dysfunctional family. Her mother went to prison for drug related charges. I don't know if it was for using or selling, but it doesn't make much difference either way. While she was in prison, her sister's family raised Amy. Amy's Aunt and Uncle allowed her (beginning around age 12) to drink, smoke cigarettes, and openly swear like a sailor in front of them without recourse. (I did NOT know this until after she had moved out!) Her Uncle was fired from his job for being a suspected pedophile, and her Aunt & Uncle are both facing charges for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. After Amy's mother finally got out of prison she moved back in with her, and it was then I found out the truth about her prior living situation. I was relieved Amy was out of that situation and back with her mother, until I found out other things about her mother that I won't bother going into for the sake of not making this post unbearably long. I truly like Amy. She is a sweet, funny, smart girl. I understand why my daughter likes her so much. I don't hold it against her the way she was raised, she didn't ask for it and it certainly isn't her own fault. However, it is inevitable her bad upbringing has rubbed off onto my daughter. Because of Amy my daughter has developed a taste for cigarettes, alcohol, and marijuana. I am fighting this to the best of my ability, but it is very hard. Amy is currently on some form of probation (she has an 8 o'clock curfew which her mother blatantly ignores) and her mother laughs every times she mentions Amy has failed every single one of her weekly court ordered drug tests. This seems like a cut & dried situation for me ... just not let my daughter be friends with Amy anymore, right? If it was just up to me, that would be the case. But her dad totally coddles her and refuses to be the 'bad guy' and take away her best friend. He insists we can monitor our daughter enough to keep her in check, but he has yet to prove this. Our daughter is developing very bad habits, and has an exceptionally bad attitude. My husband insists if we take Amy away we're going to make our daughter much worse than she already is. My opinion is, maybe in the short term she would get worse, but removing such a bad influence from her life would certainly have huge benefits over the course of her teen years. If I tell my daughter 'No, you cannot go to Amy's' or 'No' to anything involving Amy, she just runs to her dad who then pretty much gives her carte blanche. I have had countless talks to my husband about this, who just gives me this cold, arrogant stare and says, "You know that if you're a bitch to her she's never going to have anything to do with you after she moves out, right??" It is futile to make any attempt to reason with him about this, he firmly believes that coddling her is the best thing to do. I have no voice in this. My daughter's responsibilities and character are going to hell in a hand basket.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Someone has be the adult here and, as unpleasant as the job is, it sounds like it has to be you. At 15, your daughter is too young to understand the long term consequences of what she's doing. Lung cancer, DUI, prison - which one (or ones) does your Husband wish for her? I fought a similar battle with my daughter (fortunately, with my W on my side) at the same age - her "friend" was eventually arrested for car theft and drugs and disappeared into the legal system. Don't give up!!! I now have a happy and sucessful college sophmore that just made the Dean's List - that's the payoff :-) Mr. Lucky
cicada Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 i can understand your frustration , when one parents doesnt agree or even assist in the hard part of parenting, . It is a hard situation obviously , i guess in cases like these we have no choice but to handle it ourselves. it makes me angry to think that when we marry we are a team but when there is issues one just decides they wont deal with it . I would say talk to her friend with a warning. tell her that if your daughter continues misbehaving she will not be allowed to hang out with her anymore. and if your daughter continues then you just cut her off from the freind as much as possible. take away cell phones, try to ground her ect. if she gets worse which might happen let your husband worry about it . maybe that will wake him up to do something. dont nag him or anything , just tell him that his daughter isnt at home and this and that and leave it alone . your husband will step up if he thinks you are not. I know eventually most girls turn around as they get older. so try not to stress too much . it really isnt fair that it is being put all on you to deal with this. hang in there.
konfuzd Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 As much as it pains you to see your daughter going through this phase in her life, I have to partially agree with your husband. When I was a teenager, I was in a similar place to your daughter, my best friend had high aspirations of becoming a stripper, and had a bad family history somewhat like Amy's. The more my mother forbade me from seeing her, the more I would sneak around and lie to keep the relationship. I moved out of my parent's house when I was 17, and started spending every waking moment with this girl. My life spiralled out of control, and I hit pretty much rock bottom. I needed to learn on my own that this was a bad situation, and when I hit that point, I didn't have my family to turn to. Your daughter is going to make mistakes, rebel and do stupid things. I'm not saying that you should condone it at all. But for your sanity, at this point, you know she's coming home every night, and you can to an extent monitor what she is doing. I lost my family for 2 years because of their overbearing, controlling ways. Now that I learned on my own how stupid and childish I was, I cleaned up my act on my own, and am now very succesful in my career and have a decent relationship with my family. Hopefully your daughter will do the same, but won't have to go it alone. Good luck!
Green Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 forget the fact that you dont want her hanging out with this girl for a moment. Shouldnt she be punished for atleast a week or two from hanging out with any one if she's been caught smoking/drinking and doing drugs. Was she hanging out at the guy who was arested for being a pedophiles house?? You need to do something
stevessvt Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 You definately need to step up now before we see your daughter on an episode of 'intervention'.
Green Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 You definately need to step up now before we see your daughter on an episode of 'intervention'. Sounds like its to late for that she already needs an intervention
sb129 Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 HAve you seen that movie "Thirteen". It sounds similar to the situation you are describing. I think to ban your daughter from seeing Amy will backfire, and only make her resent you. 15 year olds are so self absorbed that she won't be able to see it from your perspective, she will only feel that you are trying to control her, and most likely will rebel. when I was a teenager, my parents pretty much let me do whatever I wanted (within reason) as long as A) I told them where I was going at all times B) my schoolwork didn't suffer. C) I was polite and nice to live with, kept my room tidy and did my chores. Obviously I slipped up a couple of times, and was punished accordingly, but I experimented with drugs, sex alcohol and all that (still do on occasion ) but I got a degree and a good profession, and I have a really good R with my parents. If you try and talk to your daughter on a more adult level, she may respond better to that than if you try to control her...
sb129 Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 Also- have you considered that your daughters presence in Amys life might actually be a good thing for Amy?
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