mrgrey Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 (edited) (title should say cheater needing advice) Ok so YES I cheated and know there is absolutely no justification for it. It was both an EA and PA for about 8 months. I have been married about 3 years and with my wife for a total of 7.5 years.. What follows is not a justification but just for background purposes. Soon after my marriage my wife began a decline in mental health. We both worked too much and spent less and less time concentrating on us as a couple. We focused too much on making others happy and let ourselves go. During this time my wife would become depressed and want to just come home from work and watch TV. Over the course of 6 months I tried to support here but told her I do not have the ability to really help her. She needed professional help and let this step lagg for about a year. Over this time too she was less enthusiastic about being social and seeing friends. Could never make a decision on anything. In addition we bought a house soon after our marriage and my wife mad it her lifes work to make this house her dream home. For me it was just an investment since it is a smaller home that I know I would spend no more than about 4-5 years in. So this brought in money issues because i did the budget and she spent the money. I tried to explain it too her but she simply ignored it. No really after speaking with her she told me it was not good but that she really just ignored the budget. She said she sorta gave up and would let me figure out how to pay the bills. This does not mean she did not help pay bills because she contributed more since she makes more. Just that she did not keep track of her spending. She did not realize I was thinking about saving for vacations and retirement. So along comes a friend at work (i no longer work there for other reasons) who is having similar relationship issues. We start by talking and meeting for coffee before work. We eventually go on a few trips for work and well you know where things go. 8 months later and I am still in the affair. So now my wife knows that I had an affair but not for how long or that it is still going. She thinks it was less time because I could not bring myself to tell her the whole truth. But she does know it was an ea / pa. She wants to work things out. I have spoken to a councelor and they said to end the affair and not tell her....that she has already suffered. At this point I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to just get a divorce and start life anew. Part of me feels like I should ask for a divorce because I don,t deserve a wife like mine and that it would be better for her in the long run. I mean if you cheat on your wife for 8 months of a 3 year marriage what is that? Would you divorce...would you try and work it out? Any advice? Edited January 17, 2008 by mrgrey title change
ElvenPriestess Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 A counselor told you not to tell your wife and just end the affair? That's horrible advice. They're telling you to live a lie and lie to your spouse. Hide something, have a secret. That's not what marriage is about. I'd fire that person. You have to confess the whole truth to her. Expect nothing. Don't expect her to cry and pack her stuff and go, don't expect her to forgive you. Just focus on being honest. You were lying to her for 8 months, time to come clean. A half truth is a whole lie. Break the cycle. Start today with coming clean and being honest with her. You have violated her trust, but by concealing anything more about it would still be violating her trust. What do you want? Do you want to keep the marriage? Do you hope for forgiveness and know that you will never cheat on her again? You realize that the thought of "divorce and start anew" is really just running from the truth, the pain. And the pain you will see in her eyes. Be ready for it, but don't run. Not trying to be harsh with you, but I'm being honest and hope it helps.
cj1988 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 What do YOU want? Are you still in love with your W? Do you feel bad and show remorse enough to want your M? If not, do both of you a favor and get a D......if you do not want this and YOU know that for sure and you plan on staying in the A, just leave now and save your W.
Author mrgrey Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Elvin..." I have spoken to a councelor and they said to end the affair and not tell her....that she has already suffered...." Sorry I was not clearer I meant the counselor said that I should not tell her the affair continued because she already knew about it. Also you are not being harsh as I appreciate open honesty.
jmargel Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 You are going to get advice to tell her and not to tell her. The main point right now, is that it is still going on. You cannot work on a marriage while still being involved in with the OW. If you refuse or will not cut ties with this OW, then do your wife the favor and leave her. You then over the next couple of years find out that this was all a infactuation, that you two met up together at your weakest moments and there is no substance behind your new relationship. Read all the other stories on here, read how many regret cheating and leaving their spouse. Your spouse has a big enough heart to want to work on this, yet you are still being extremely selfish. And you are right, what you posted was no excuse for your cheating. Your cheating is a result of your immaturity, selfishness and disrespectfulness towards your wife and your marriage. You tried taking the easy way out, that's not being a man. Being a man is working with your wife, through these hard times, because I can 110% guarantee you that you will have hard times in the future with your wife or whoever else you are with. This comes down to a more personal issue with yourself, it's just much easier trying to justify it by laying some blame on your wife. Not only are you not giving your wife love and honoring your vows but you are still putting her at a health risk by sleeping with this OW. This OW cheats on her husband with you, yet you can trust her? Honestly out of this whole mess, it's your wife that you can trust the most right now. Either get your ass in gear and get yourself on the right track or leave the marriage. It is your wife's RIGHT to know that this affair is still going on. Nothing else you do to try to make the marriage work will be successful until you come clean about this and end this affair.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Elvin..." I have spoken to a councelor and they said to end the affair and not tell her....that she has already suffered...." Sorry I was not clearer I meant the counselor said that I should not tell her the affair continued because she already knew about it. Also you are not being harsh as I appreciate open honesty. Oooh, the advice was after the incident was known. Now I see. Well the rest of my advice still stands. Except firing the counselor of course.
Tripper Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 At this point I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to just get a divorce and start life anew. Part of me feels like I should ask for a divorce because I don,t deserve a wife like mine and that it would be better for her in the long run. I mean if you cheat on your wife for 8 months of a 3 year marriage what is that? Would you divorce...would you try and work it out? Any advice? You are at a point where a life altering decision needs to be made. Unfortunately, you can't make this decision unilaterally. If you want to rebuild your marriage you can only do so if your wife is in agreement. If that is the case, while your counselor may be correct in telling you not to say anymore to your wife, she certainly has the right to ask questions of you about the A at this point. And you should give her the opportunity to do so or not. If she want's to know more then you should tell her the truth so that she can make the decision to stay and work on the marriage or leave. Should you stay or go?? Your wife cannot stop you from leaving your M. But what do you want?? You have other issues besides the A to resolve; ie: spending habits etc. Affairs are not about real life. They are stolen moments charged with sexual intensity, romantic notions and seeing each other at ones best. Real life seldom intrudes. Marriage on the other hand is about dealing with real life in tandem with a life partner. Soooo.... no wonder affairs are so exciting... you don't have to take out the garbage or wash the dishes.. Are you thinking about divorce to be with the OW?? If so read some of the threads about the statistics of those relationships.
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Getting a divorce because "my wife deserves" a better husband is a cop-out. (Covering it with "I don't deserve" is still just covering it. It's BS.) Staying married because "my wife deserves" to have what she wants (work things out) is another cop-out. Make your own decisions, live with the consequences, and don't set it up so 29 years from now you can whine to your wife, "I did it all for you, Baby - sacrificed my life; been unfulfilled and unhappy since 2007." Take the responsibility of ending your affair until you figure out what you really want. To me, that's just a decent and grown-up thing to do (no moral judgment) because it is the impression you have given your wife. My take is that you want out of your marriage but you don't want to be the "bad guy" in the piece. Unfortunately -- or perhaps fortunately(?) -- you've already chosen that role for yourself. I guess you could just wait for the fall-out, when your wife kicks you out. Then you can tell everyone how you never saw it coming cos she seemed so happy! But if you do decide to change what needs to be changed and stay married, a better way than just "thinking" about vacations and retirement and everything else that affects both of you is to communicate your desires and needs and dreams.
cj1988 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Getting a divorce because "my wife deserves" a better husband is a cop-out. (Covering it with "I don't deserve" is still just covering it. It's BS.) Staying married because "my wife deserves" to have what she wants (work things out) is another cop-out. Make your own decisions, live with the consequences, and don't set it up so 29 years from now you can whine to your wife, "I did it all for you, Baby - sacrificed my life; been unfulfilled and unhappy since 2007." Take the responsibility of ending your affair until you figure out what you really want. To me, that's just a decent and grown-up thing to do (no moral judgment) because it is the impression you have given your wife. My take is that you want out of your marriage but you don't want to be the "bad guy" in the piece. Unfortunately -- or perhaps fortunately(?) -- you've already chosen that role for yourself. I guess you could just wait for the fall-out, when your wife kicks you out. Then you can tell everyone how you never saw it coming cos she seemed so happy! But if you do decide to change what needs to be changed and stay married, a better way than just "thinking" about vacations and retirement and everything else that affects both of you is to communicate your desires and needs and dreams. Well said Ronni, it is all a cop out....make a choice and get off the fence. You love her and cut it off totally with OW, or you do not and move on !
Author mrgrey Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Everyone thank you for the clear and concise posts. Ronni_W I appreciate the eye opener. In reading through these threads and all the websites I could find. Everything says you should "stick through it", "make it work", "you married her for a reason". Nothing ever says that yes you fu**** up majorly but pick up your damn boots and figure this thing out. Stay or go a decision needs to be made base on what will make the both of you happy. Ironically my wife is a wonderful person but sometimes I question if she is for me. This has been a question throughout my marriage and this path I have taken.
cj1988 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Everyone thank you for the clear and concise posts. Ronni_W I appreciate the eye opener. In reading through these threads and all the websites I could find. Everything says you should "stick through it", "make it work", "you married her for a reason". Nothing ever says that yes you fu**** up majorly but pick up your damn boots and figure this thing out. Stay or go a decision needs to be made base on what will make the both of you happy. Ironically my wife is a wonderful person but sometimes I question if she is for me. This has been a question throughout my marriage and this path I have taken. Honey, everyone questions from time to time if their S is right for them after so many years together....it is not that question you should ask yourself, it is are you in love with your W enough to quit the A and start over or not....if not, for her sake get out and let her go.....you are bored and that is only a phase......think real hard, you leave her, it is over, no going back !
gullible Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Your wife sounds like me. I've been depressed lately ever since I found out my W was having what I consider an affair with a man that she claims is just a friend. I bet if you divorced her, her mental health would get much better, very quickly.
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 (edited) ...a decision needs to be made base on what will make the both of you happy. Wouldn't THAT be sweet??? But. While our thoughts and actions may also serve others, that isn't our primary motivation. (According to CoDA literature, believing that it is, is part of the codependent 'denial' pattern.) YOU are not in command of other's happiness. YOU do not have the insight and perspective to know what others need and want in order to feel truly happy and fulfilled. Allow them the dignity of being their own ultimate authority on that. It's total fabrication that "I did this because it is really in your best interest" is true or honest. It's just a cop-out for doing what "I" really wanted to do. MrGrey, I appreciate your comments. You're 100% right that, once you realize that you effed-up, you must be person enough to deal with the consequences and improve the undesirable situation. What you absolutely do have command over, is executing your decisions in ways that are kind and compassionate. Choosing that won't (necessarily) make the other person any "happier" but it will minimize their unhappiness. ADD: I mean, it will help them maintain shreds of self-esteem, self-confidence and self-respect rather than also losing ALL of that. I really think you know what you want (and need) to do, here. Is that right? Edited January 17, 2008 by Ronni_W added (necessarily)
BetrayedMM Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 If you have decided to stay married here is my advice: End the affair NOW. Permanently, as in no contact ever for the rest of your life. Just man up and do it. Next- you have said you appreciate complete open honesty. Your therapist has a point in that the full truth will hurt her, sure. However, as a betrayed spouse, I can tell you for sure there are only 2 ways your wife can have closure and move on with her life- complete open honesty and transparency from you, or divorce. Right now, she really needs help rebuilding her trust in you(among other things). She cannot trust you without the truth. You are her husband, and frankly, your sex life is very much her business. If you feel it is none of her business, in your heart you are not married. In that case, I would say follow your heart, and let her go.
stillafool Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I think you should tell your wife the entire truth and let her help you in making the decision as to whether the two of you should stay married. I am not living in your home but from what you said "I do not deserve a wife like mine", I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what she did that was so unforgivable. She went over budget in decorating and acted depressed so you had an affair? Like Gullible said, if your wife leaves your marriage her mental state will improve a great deal. She has probably felt something has been going on for about say uh - 8 months - but couldn't quite put her finger on it and that was driving her crazy. Now it is still going on when you were suppose to stop - in the back of her mind something is still driving her crazy. You ask if you should get a divorce - I say yes because you are still in an affair that you apparently want to be in.
Disgruntled Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Ironically my wife is a wonderful person but sometimes I question if she is for me. This has been a question throughout my marriage and this path I have taken. Can I ask why, if you have wondered this throughout your marriage, did you marry her in the first place? And, does anyone ever know 100% that someone is "perfect" or "100% right" for them? Is that even possible to be perfect for someone? I think no matter how compatible two people may be, the other person is still their own person, they're not a replica of you and may not always please you in what they do. My two cents.........
Ronni_W Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 does anyone ever know 100% that someone is "perfect" or "100% right" for them? Is that even possible to be perfect for someone? I'm kinda leaning towards that someone can be *perfect* to help me learn a particular Life Lesson or help me meet a specific current need. But even then, they may not *perfectly* be able to support me in other, concurrent needs and lessons. So, yes, they are 100% right and perfect for that one lesson or for as long as that specific need is current, but after lesson is learned or need is replaced by another...well, it stops feeling quite so perfect, I think. Then they must work on finding new ways that will continue to be (mutually) supportive and encouraging...or say goodbye with love and appreciation for what has already been accomplished. (Of course, latter is so much easier said than done.) As to any one person being able to consistently and effortlessly support another in ALL her/his needs, no, I don't think it's reasonable to expect that...but it is nice to dream about .
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