Author Daphne Crane Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 While I don't discard the fact that there are spouses who are honest with their lovers, a great many are not simply because they are afraid that their lovers will end the affair before they are emotionally ready for it. As addicted as a cheating spouse is to his/her lover, the reality is that many of them do not want to end their marriages because they still love their spouses or because they have young children whose lives would be severly impacted by a divorce. These folks will be just as dishonest with their lovers as they are with their spouses. SB The reality is that many of them do not end their marriages because they love their spouses and I agree in some cases that is true. But there is a big difference between love and being in love with ones spouse. Many maybe in an abusive marriage and just don't know how to go about leaving without being or the fear of being seriously hurt by the spouse. I have a friend who is in a situation like this and the spouse just want to be roommates. They have not shared a bed in 4 years. And yes, I understand that they may have young children whose lives would be severely impacted by a divorce but I think they would be better off (get them counselling) than seeing their parents constantly having arguments or just living separate lives or pretending everything is fine when that is further from the truth.
TMCM Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 The reality is that many of them do not end their marriages because they love their spouses and I agree in some cases that is true. But there is a big difference between love and being in love with ones spouse. Many maybe in an abusive marriage and just don't know how to go about leaving without being or the fear of being seriously hurt by the spouse. I have a friend who is in a situation like this and the spouse just want to be roommates. They have not shared a bed in 4 years. And yes, I understand that they may have young children whose lives would be severely impacted by a divorce but I think they would be better off (get them counselling) than seeing their parents constantly having arguments or just living separate lives or pretending everything is fine when that is further from the truth. Daphne I agree with you wholeheartedly but an affair is an extremely dangerous venture which can bring tragic consequences if a person is married to a violent spouse. It is simply sheer madness and I hope for your friend's sake and his/her children that he/she gets help to put an end to this sad situation.
Author Daphne Crane Posted January 22, 2008 Author Posted January 22, 2008 Daphne I agree with you wholeheartedly but an affair is an extremely dangerous venture which can bring tragic consequences if a person is married to a violent spouse. It is simply sheer madness and I hope for your friend's sake and his/her children that he/she gets help to put an end to this sad situation. Yes it is an extremely dangerous venture but I've talked to my friend and asked why would you continue to take chances like that knowing what might happen if caught. My friend's response "but I'm being very careful". From time to time, I give my opinion but that's about all I can do. I hope this sad situation comes to an end without anyone getting hurt.
TMCM Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 Yes it is an extremely dangerous venture but I've talked to my friend and asked why would you continue to take chances like that knowing what might happen if caught. My friend's response "but I'm being very careful". From time to time, I give my opinion but that's about all I can do. I hope this sad situation comes to an end without anyone getting hurt. You're a good friend. I hope that one day he/she takes your advice.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 My guess is, he doesn't know her as well as he does his W... and doesn't have the history with her. And she doesn't know him either. So he doesn't have his guard up with her, like he does his W. Also, it's easier for him to tell the OW whatever he wants, and get away with it. He can "reinvent" himself in her eyes. Which is just as dishonest as his lies to his W. Whenever a man tells me he is being "open and honest" I take that with a HUGE grain of salt. I think OB has hit the nail on the head. Here's my silly analogy. If I have two mirrors in my bathroom. One is the mirror in which I see the reality of myself. The good and the bad. The other is a magic mirror inwhich I see only the "good" that I want to see, I can view myself here and be easily honest about all of that that I like about myself and maybe even accentuate those positives more than are completely realistic. Is that a lie? No, but it isn't the reality or the whole truth. Also, the more time I spend in my magic mirror then more my ugliness becomes apparent the the "real" mirror. I certainly would "love" myself more in my magic mirror, it reflects what I want to believe. I would probably begin to loathe my "real" mirror because comparitively it just doesn't do me justice. So it isn't necissarily, IMO, about being truthful or not, its about avoiding what one doesn't want to see in exchange for the fantasy of how I desire to percieve myself. I believe, WS's, lie to themselves more than they do OP's or BS's. The A is about them much more than the aware or unaware participants.
silktricks Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Just like the beginning of any relationship, anywhere, with anyone. It's always easier to lay all the "cards" on the table as there isn't yet as much at risk. The longer you are in a relationship with someone, the more of yourself you "risk" when you tell them something they don't necessarily want to hear. I think the people in some marriages are more open with each other, and more open to their partner's changes. Those marriage IMO usually have more "real" communication and those marriages (again IMO) also have less risk of failure/cheating.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 I'm not so certain about that 'open and honest' thing. Most times after a Dday, it becomes obvious that the the MM/MW was lying to the OW/OM the entire time about a variety of things.
Owl Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 I'm a firm believer that you can tell that a MM (WS) is lying simply by verifying that their lips are moving. My experience on the forums and in "real life" has been that they lie to everyone involved...the OP, the BP, and even themselves. They lie to the other two people (OP and BP) to get what they want and continue the affair. They lie to themselves (and then lie again to the others by extension) to justify their actions.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 To most impartial observers, this statement is obviously true: I'm not so certain about that 'open and honest' thing. Most times after a Dday, it becomes obvious that the the MM/MW was lying to the OW/OM the entire time about a variety of things. But then I guess not everyone is impartial: Has he been honest with me - yes, throughout this; his honesty was not self-serving in that it would more likely have backfired on him in terms of my track-record, but he simply had to be honest. Mr. Lucky
Author Daphne Crane Posted February 16, 2008 Author Posted February 16, 2008 What leads you to believe they are? Yet, again, I am not talking about the "couple of hours a month in a cheap dollar motel" but the soulmate type A. Where the lines of communication are open and you can talk to each other about any and eveything. I mean whatever questions and/or comments that come up is answered wholeheartedly. I mean letting the OW/OM know what's going on in his/her life. Don't get me wrong, the CS is not going to tell everything that's going on his/her life but then again none of us DO.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Yet, again, I am not talking about the "couple of hours a month in a cheap dollar motel" but the soulmate type A. Where the lines of communication are open and you can talk to each other about any and eveything. Maybe the only difference between the two types of A you describe is that the "couple of hours" OW is less likely to fall for the CS line of bullsh*t than the "soulmate" OW. Isn't there some contradiciton between the positive qualities one normally ascribes to their soulmate and the lying, cheating jerk that is sneaking around to see you ? Mr. Lucky
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