unlovable Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I am a smart, educated, logical woman. I am way more intelligent then my husband. Not to be demeaning, but he makes me feel worthless and I love him.........Why? He says things to me that deteriorate my self esteem and self worth. He adamantly disagrees with every issue and abhors my ideas on life and relationships. And, yet, he condones his other friends for their infidelities and messed up attitudes. In my mind he is everything admirable and good in a man and yet he treats me like he is embarrassed of me. We go into public and he walks ahead of me. I am a very attractive woman. I take care of myself and yet when I am with him, I feel as ugly on the outside as I feel in the inside. Don't get me wrong! He's a fireman, he has many friends and is well respected with in our community. I am from the "wrong side of the track". I don't know what to do. We are apart now, not even talking and acting like we never even knew each other (after an 18 year relationship) I want him to love me. I am so pathetic! I don't even want to talk to him because it pains me to hear his voice and not be able to reach out to him and have him hold me. I can't be who he wants me to be. I want someone to love me unconditionally, I want him to love me unconditionally. He is a good man! My counselor says that apart we both are good people, but as a couple we are the opposite. We bring out the bad in each other. Maybe, from past resentments. IDK!!
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 He sounds a little immature. He doesnt have any morals about others but I bet if things happened to him he wouldnt be so quick to talk. He lacks empathy. Give things time. I dont know what to say.
Lee725 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 He says things to me that deteriorate my self esteem and self worth. He adamantly disagrees with every issue and abhors my ideas on life and relationships. And, yet, he condones his other friends for their infidelities and messed up attitudes. In my mind he is everything admirable and good in a man I hope this comes out right because it certainly isn't a shot at you but how can the above 2 quotes go together? Thinking that a person who makes you feel this way is everything admirable and good in a man, isn't going to bring you any peace in your relationship with him. You seem conflicted. You have a man on one hand who has qualities that you look for but on the other hand deteriorates you emotionally? If this is the case you would not be alone in feeling the way you do. Sometimes people hang onto others because "when they are good they are very very good", they focus on this irrespective of the other issues which may be overwhelming. It is easy to love someone for an extended period because they have an attribute we feel we may not obtain in another, but this is not healthy if the rest of the relationship is not forfilling. Did you feel that you may be able to change his other personality traits at some point? You would not be alone there either.
Leia Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 he makes me feel worthless....He says things to me that deteriorate my self esteem and self worth. In my mind he is everything admirable and good in a man The first one, you see him as his wife and the second it's how the outsiders see him, correct? Coz like Lee said, you're conflicting yourself. I have no words of wisdom or advice but I wouldn't let a man make me feel worthless.
FindingMyselfAgain Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I am a smart, educated, logical woman. I am way more intelligent then my husband. Not to be demeaning, but he makes me feel worthless and I love him.........Why? He says things to me that deteriorate my self esteem and self worth. He adamantly disagrees with every issue and abhors my ideas on life and relationships. And, yet, he condones his other friends for their infidelities and messed up attitudes. In my mind he is everything admirable and good in a man and yet he treats me like he is embarrassed of me. We go into public and he walks ahead of me. I am a very attractive woman. I take care of myself and yet when I am with him, I feel as ugly on the outside as I feel in the inside. Don't get me wrong! He's a fireman, he has many friends and is well respected with in our community. I am from the "wrong side of the track". I don't know what to do. We are apart now, not even talking and acting like we never even knew each other (after an 18 year relationship) I want him to love me. I am so pathetic! I don't even want to talk to him because it pains me to hear his voice and not be able to reach out to him and have him hold me. I can't be who he wants me to be. I want someone to love me unconditionally, I want him to love me unconditionally. He is a good man! My counselor says that apart we both are good people, but as a couple we are the opposite. We bring out the bad in each other. Maybe, from past resentments. IDK!! Your man is very sick. But who is the truly sick one, if you willingly remain in this terribly abusive, hideous mockery of a relationship? OTOH, I'm sick too. Let's marry.
cj1988 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Funny enough, your H and mine sound a lot alike.....he treats me harshly and makes me feel stupid and ugly......and I am definitely neither. BUT, I have now realized I let him do this to me.....not anymore. I know what and who I am for the most part, working on that, and NO ONE especially my H can make me feel different. They are immature and so full of themselves it is ridiculous. Like your H , my H best friend is a TOTAL idiot, not smart AT ALL and he just thinks the world of him, laughs and lets him get away with things he would normally cuss me out for....so you see they are the stupid, ugly ones....not us !
lost4ever Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I don't know if your situation is the same as mine or worse off, but I understand what you mean. I am smart and attractive and most of the time a good person. My husband is the same. everyone thinks he is amazing. But, when we are alone he says things to "put me in my place" or make me feel like I am not as pretty as I should be, or that I am not a good wife, or nice a nice person in general. He says things like, "If people knew the real you, they wouldn't think you were so great" and it's hard not only because he is a great person (I know he loves me and he is really a great husband) but, when you tell him these things hurt he says I am being to sensitive (and you think you just might be). If you tell friends they say he has major issues, and you should dump him (but, you don't want to do that he's great, and maybe it is just in your head) I wish you luck, please keep me posted on how this goes, I would like to learn from you!
Lee725 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I don't know if your situation is the same as mine or worse off, but I understand what you mean. I am smart and attractive and most of the time a good person. My husband is the same. everyone thinks he is amazing. But, when we are alone he says things to "put me in my place" or make me feel like I am not as pretty as I should be, or that I am not a good wife, or nice a nice person in general. He says things like, "If people knew the real you, they wouldn't think you were so great" and it's hard not only because he is a great person (I know he loves me and he is really a great husband) but, when you tell him these things hurt he says I am being to sensitive (and you think you just might be). If you tell friends they say he has major issues, and you should dump him (but, you don't want to do that he's great, and maybe it is just in your head) It really saddens me that people allow themselves to remain these kinds of psychologically/emotionally debilitating relationships. I simply can not understand it, although it seems to happen so much, perhaps it is just me i don't know. I understand that love can not really be controlled, but how can anyone love someone who makes them feel this way & genuinely believe that the partner is a good person under it all? Is this a low self esteem issue? - i think that it might be. I am not having a dig at anyone at all, in fact i feel terrible that people are experiencing this, i just don't understand it.
budd98 Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 As many of you know through my posts, I went through a similar type of relationship except it was with a woman. She emotionally or mentally abused me all the time and the sad part was, I didn't realize she was doing it. I was so strong and confidanet when we started dating, but after almost 3 years with her....I was a wreck. I really did lose myself in the relationship and let her walk all over me ALL the time. I had to have my cell phone in my possecion at all times just in case she rang me, otherwise she would be mad if I wasn't RIGHT there. God I was dumb. I did think I could change the person, but it only got worse. I accepted all the negative things from her and THAT was very wrong. The sick part of it all is that I am very motivated, strong, good looking, great family, great job, and really good things going for me.....while she had absolutely nothing going for her. She really is kind of a big loser. But what was sick, is that I felt like the loser in the whole relationship because I allowed that to happen. I wished I would have moved on way earlier. My advice.....It will NEVER get better, so try to help yourself before you get too deep
Recommended Posts