Owl Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Quick questions for you, Nextel. What "teeth" did you give your deadline? What did you tell him your response would be if he doesn't meet it? And are you willing to really implement whatever those 'teeth' were?
luvmy2ns Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Why is it that when anyone has anything to say about the possibility of a MM lying to or otherwise deceiving his OW, they are assumed to all be a BS? People have points of view, and just because you don't like what they have to say, stick a label on them to explain it all away I guess. Maybe some folks are truly concerned that she's putting faith in empty promises and don't want to see her get hurt any further. I know, some are just spouting off from a "sour grapes" standpoint, but we're not all BS's.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 He has not moved out because of his children, its been their home for 7 years. But he has joint custody with the mother of his children? Do the kids even know that they're about to lose their stepmother? Has he prepared them that he's wanting to divorce her and their lives are about to change again? Staying in the house or not, his kids WILL be affected by him divorcing.
child_of_isis Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Oh yeah...this guy is all about his kids. He flip flops them from one women to the next. He has an ex wife, a wife, an OW.
reboot Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 If you are happy and satisfied with the way it is going, nothing anyone says here mattersIf she is happy and satisfied with the way it is going, and nothing that anyone says here matters, what's the point of the post in the first place? Just looking for validation or a pat on the back? It's amazing to me how many people here simply do not wish to hear any opinions or advice that don't match theirs. A lot of you are missing the beauty of this site, which is the background and experiences of the many posters that come here, no matter which side of which fence they are on. It's not just about being 'right'.
torranceshipman Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Most people here are just concerned that Nextel is headed for a mighty fall and don't like to see women like her jerked around by MMs who should know better. He's clearly lying through his teeth and I am sure Nextel suspects all is not right. But whatever. Just cause we dont pat her on the back doesnt mean we are bitter or BS's or whatever - it means we care what happens to her and are just warning her off a really bad situation-in the same way you warn a friend off her current crush if he is a complete a**hole. If it all goes to s**t, Nextel will find that she can post here and vent and the same people who were accused of being bitter are the ones that post the nicest things like 'you don't deserve it', 'sorry you're suffering', 'stay strong' etc.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 If she is happy and satisfied with the way it is going, and nothing that anyone says here matters, what's the point of the post in the first place? Just looking for validation or a pat on the back? It's not just about being 'right'. How about to find other's in similar situations? Isn't that kind of the point of the OW forum? Maybe some of us are happy with our situations and want to find others who can relate instead of hearing all the fire and brimstone that is so often thrown around... I'm going to help back up a friend when they need it, that's why I'm here...
reboot Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 How about to find other's in similar situations? Isn't that kind of the point of the OW forum? Maybe some of us are happy with our situations and want to find others who can relate instead of hearing all the fire and brimstone that is so often thrown around... I'm going to help back up a friend when they need it, that's why I'm here...The point of this site is people offering advice and help. Go back and read the front page of the site. He's a snippet from there: Welcome to LoveShack.org; an interpersonal relationship advice and assistance center providing a forum to confront personal conflicts, promote participation in self-discovery and responsibility, and to share dating tips, love advice, and platonic relationship resources. LoveShack.org is designed and operated to promote collaboration and to offer support to persons seeking advice. The hosts of the channel and web forums and other guests assist you with problems or questions that you may have regarding relationships and other socially oriented questions. We do our best to try and help you find your own answers.If your only purpose for being here is to "back people up", that's fine, but it gets really old how you constantly put those of us down who are trying to offer advice.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 The point of this site is people offering advice and help. Go back and read the front page of the site. He's a snippet from there: If your only purpose for being here is to "back people up", that's fine, but it gets really old how you constantly put those of us down who are trying to offer advice. Says support and discussion, but who am I to split hairs? Where did I put you down? I'd like to see on this thread where I put you or anyone else down with my thoughts here...I simply added a reply as to other reasons people are here...and answered a poster who had asked for advice...and she told me thanks, so I think I'm ok... I am here to help my friends...I am not here to preach but support others in what they have chosen...and that's what I do...So I guess you're having a bad day or something, but don't take it out on me... GEL
Author nextel Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Quick questions for you, Nextel. What "teeth" did you give your deadline? What did you tell him your response would be if he doesn't meet it? And are you willing to really implement whatever those 'teeth' were? End of January I wont be the OW Yes
Author nextel Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Most people here are just concerned that Nextel is headed for a mighty fall and don't like to see women like her jerked around by MMs who should know better. He's clearly lying through his teeth and I am sure Nextel suspects all is not right. But whatever. Just cause we dont pat her on the back doesnt mean we are bitter or BS's or whatever - it means we care what happens to her and are just warning her off a really bad situation-in the same way you warn a friend off her current crush if he is a complete a**hole. If it all goes to s**t, Nextel will find that she can post here and vent and the same people who were accused of being bitter are the ones that post the nicest things like 'you don't deserve it', 'sorry you're suffering', 'stay strong' etc. Thanks for the concern although I have doubts that it is genuine. At times, it seems that OW who have an A with MM are somewhat bitter because things are not working out the way they want them to for themselves. Therefore, a situation like mine (not that it is right) were MM spends nights, and gives me more time than OW get from their MM causes them to be hateful in their postings. I am not pointing my finger at you, its just an observation I have made. Granted, there might be a chance that MM is lying to me, and there is a chance that the people that I think are bitter might be nice when shyte hits the roof. The truth of the matter is that, my heart does not doubt anything MM tells me as far as his M. He does not speak ill of W, but has stated that he does not love her, and never did. At the time, a blanket was thrown over his eyes and he did not make an informed decision. He has told me that he has discussed this with her and she has refused to end the M. I can understand the difficulty he is faced with as far the children. Yes he has explained to the children that he no longer loves their stepmother after his daughter asked him why they do not sleep in the same room, and he was told by the mother of his children that their stepmother had told their daughter that the reason they don't have any children together is because they do not sleep together. He told his daughter that they (his daughter, son and himself) would go into counseling because he does not want to be M to W. He told me that his daughter told him that she wants him to be happy. The truth of the matter is that, parents are there to provide a safe, loving and stable environment. But he also deserves to be happy. His children will be happier if he is happy. We should not live our lives by spending our time pleasing them. The children have been in the house with their father for 7 years, the school they attend is within 10 minutes. It is not wise for him to take his children into another home because of someone that has only been there for less than 2 years. Some of you think that this is an excuse but I really dont. I am the one in the situation. You are hearing what I am experiencing and how I feel about this man. Many times, I wish things could have played out differently but this is the card that has been dealt and we are doing the best that we can with it. Now if tomorrow things turn out that he lied and led me to believe otherwise, and everyone on here was right.....then I will come back, pour my heart out, PM my few close friends on here and go from there. nuf said.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Maybe he's been taking his time leaving because he's got a built-in nanny to take care of his kids if he's got them 50% of the time from what I've read. And no doubt, most of the responsibility for them has been thrown onto his wife's shoulders. Yup, he's quite the prince. Ready to take on his kids, Nextel? They're part of the package when you get him.
Author nextel Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 Maybe he's been taking his time leaving because he's got a built-in nanny to take care of his kids if he's got them 50% of the time from what I've read. And no doubt, most of the responsibility for them has been thrown onto his wife's shoulders. Yup, he's quite the prince. Ready to take on his kids, Nextel? They're part of the package when you get him. He has his children 75% of the time. He has a nanny for his children and she stays with them until he gets home. His children are not that young. W is in the home but he does not utilize her. The children spend the other % of time with their mother. Yes I am ready to take on his kids and the ones that he wants in the future. They are all part of the package.
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Yes I am ready to take on his kids and the ones that he wants in the future. They are all part of the package. I hope this slowly and gradually happens and this isn't a case of wife moves out and you move in asap. You mean he's hired a nanny so his wife doesn't have to be around HIS children? Sorry, but that's just plain weird...
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 I can't imagine what his kids must be going through.
Author nextel Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 I hope this slowly and gradually happens and this isn't a case of wife moves out and you move in asap. You mean he's hired a nanny so his wife doesn't have to be around HIS children? Sorry, but that's just plain weird... We have discussed how we will do it. We are not going to start living together immediately. There are certain steps we will be taking. He hired his nanny for many reasons including the one you mentioned. It was the right thing to do. While he was at work, the kids needed to be picked up after school, homework needed to be done, and other things. W was still at work when children were at school, children's homework was not done properly, children's clothes, food, hair... so many things that were not done. He felt that she did not care enough about them. Bare in mind that he had also asked her to leave and she refused. So he hired someone that could do alot of the things properly. In the process, W is just there. When he gets home, he spends time with his children, puts them to bed, calls me, we speak and say our good night.
Author nextel Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 I can't imagine what his kids must be going through. Actually they are alright. They have their mother around the corner and they love their father.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Ready to take on his kids, Nextel? They're part of the package when you get him. This is the craziest question I've seen...Isn't it pretty apparent that children are part of the package when you date a man with children? And that you'll be a step parent... Children are not a deterrent for many people...
te75 Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 The facts; A: He is in a SECOND marriage for only 2 years and he is having an affair, correct? B: He has majority custody of his children while rarely being there for them, correct? C: Every shred of information Nextel has comes only from one source, right? D: He has not voluntarily filed for divorce even with the protection of a no-fault state, correct? E: He has not committed to Nextel enough to leave his wife, correct? F: The kids are doing well, really? G: Nextel will be his 3rd "gem" in how many years? Young lady, if you don't think you are being snowed in lies you're simply not looking at the facts. Secondly, there are lot's of good guys out there available to you with great incomes. Third, one does not have to intimately know the situation to know without a doubt that any statement made about the kids to this point is a complete lie. I don't quite recall but I think you said one was 9, correct? That is about the worst age of all for this to be happening. Lastly, nothing in the world would keep him from you if that's what he truly wanted. If he's monetarily stable, can "dispose" of his wife and take his kids at will this would have been done long ago. That you even have to create a deadline for him should be resounding red flags and the shrill of warning bells in your ears. You will end up number 3 just before number 4. You do NOT deserve that. This is not about snoozing and losing. This is about a master manipulator that is callus enough to do it with human beings. I fear for you Nextel. If you want to find out what he's made up of do one simple thing. Tell him you want all of his stuff out of your house - "we'll talk when your ready, not until". At least then you've clearly laid down the parameters of your future together. All or nothing cake eater!
Author nextel Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 The facts; A: He is in a SECOND marriage for only 2 years and he is having an affair, correct? B: He has majority custody of his children while rarely being there for them, correct? C: Every shred of information Nextel has comes only from one source, right? D: He has not voluntarily filed for divorce even with the protection of a no-fault state, correct? E: He has not committed to Nextel enough to leave his wife, correct? F: The kids are doing well, really? G: Nextel will be his 3rd "gem" in how many years? Young lady, if you don't think you are being snowed in lies you're simply not looking at the facts. Secondly, there are lot's of good guys out there available to you with great incomes. Third, one does not have to intimately know the situation to know without a doubt that any statement made about the kids to this point is a complete lie. I don't quite recall but I think you said one was 9, correct? That is about the worst age of all for this to be happening. Lastly, nothing in the world would keep him from you if that's what he truly wanted. If he's monetarily stable, can "dispose" of his wife and take his kids at will this would have been done long ago. That you even have to create a deadline for him should be resounding red flags and the shrill of warning bells in your ears. You will end up number 3 just before number 4. You do NOT deserve that. This is not about snoozing and losing. This is about a master manipulator that is callus enough to do it with human beings. I fear for you Nextel. If you want to find out what he's made up of do one simple thing. Tell him you want all of his stuff out of your house - "we'll talk when your ready, not until". At least then you've clearly laid down the parameters of your future together. All or nothing cake eater! A: He is in a SECOND marriage for only 2 years and he is having an affair, correct? Wrong. B: He has majority custody of his children while rarely being there for them, correct? Wrong C: Every shred of information Nextel has comes only from one source, right? correct D: He has not voluntarily filed for divorce even with the protection of a no-fault state, correct? Going through mediator E: He has not committed to Nextel enough to leave his wife, correct? Wrong F: The kids are doing well, really? Yes G: Nextel will be his 3rd "gem" in how many years? 2nd "gem" Young lady, if you don't think you are being snowed in lies you're simply not looking at the facts. Secondly, there are lot's of good guys out there available to you with great incomes. True, but I don't want them. Third, one does not have to intimately know the situation to know without a doubt that any statement made about the kids to this point is a complete lie. I don't quite recall but I think you said one was 9, correct? That is about the worst age of all for this to be happening. Correct, but things happen and he has a life to live too. Lastly, nothing in the world would keep him from you if that's what he truly wanted. If he's monetarily stable, can "dispose" of his wife and take his kids at will this would have been done long ago. What is a long time ago. We started seriously seeing each other in October after dating a few times in September. That you even have to create a deadline for him should be resounding red flags and the shrill of warning bells in your ears. You will end up number 3 just before number 4. Not really, I did so because I did not want to be the OW for long. You do NOT deserve that. This is not about snoozing and losing. This is about a master manipulator that is callus enough to do it with human beings. I fear for you Nextel. If you want to find out what he's made up of do one simple thing. Tell him you want all of his stuff out of your house - "we'll talk when your ready, not until". I already have, he has until the end of this month. At least then you've clearly laid down the parameters of your future together. All or nothing cake eater
OWoman Posted January 19, 2008 Posted January 19, 2008 Secondly, there are lot's of good guys out there available to you with great incomes. This bit cracks me up every time I hear it! Men are, after all, simply interchangable, like those robots in that Woody Allen movie where they just pluck the heads off and stick on another one - there you go, good as new! Imagine OW start hanging around the marriage boards and everytime anyone has an issue like "my wife is too fat" or "my husband spends too much time at work" we tell them, dump him / her! There's plenty of other good guys / gals out there available to you with great incomes. That's sure to go down a treat! :lmao::lmao: But seriously "young lady" , why do you even bother to engage? Nextel YOU know your situation, YOU know how much you're willing to put up with and how far you'll tolerate before you draw the line. Some patronising poster with the sole ownership of truth doesn't need to spell out for you what you already know. My MM "has committed enough to me to leave his W" and living through that really convinces me that while it's easy to say glibly "if he loved you enough he'd leave", the reality is far more complex and painful, and love is only one factor in that great big equation of life. Strength Nextel!
White Flower Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 If you told you W/H that the marriage is over and that you both need to go your separate ways, and she says....I don't care what you do outside of this house. Are you supposed to stop living your life? That marriage has been dead longer than it has been alive. And even if she was being sarcastic, she is the one that refused counseling when they were having problems. And now that he is happy with me and she knows there is someone in his life, she wants to get his entire family involved. The only problem is that....his family did not agree with the M in the first place. Nextel, This is exactly what I've been going through with my H. I've asked him to leave many times over the last year. It is getting uglier and uglier and we are both seeking counsel outside in preparation for the inevitable. I'm telling you all of this to let you know I understand that when the WS knows it's over, then yes it is time to begin living life to its fullest. It would be so much nicer to end things first, then find love after the fact, but sometimes fate brings someone special a little early and we don't want to let that special person disappear into the mist. And in response to what someone posted earlier about the typical MM being the ever lying man simply because he hid things from his W does not always ring true. Remember, the MM could not share his true self with his W and that is why he wandered. He was looking for someone he could truly be himself with. This is not to say that some aren't serial. Those guys are just bastards. If you are in a no fault state and they've only been married I think you said 6 years, she will not get alimony and since the kids aren't hers she probably won't get child support. Cousel has probably suggested she stay in the house so that she can get half of it. In that regard, he's pretty lucky. My H stands to lose a lot and that is why he is being so nasty. We've been married a long time and he'll have to pay half the number of years we've been married in alimony which he already says he refuses to pay. Good luck, Nextel.
Author nextel Posted January 20, 2008 Author Posted January 20, 2008 Nextel, This is exactly what I've been going through with my H. I've asked him to leave many times over the last year. It is getting uglier and uglier and we are both seeking counsel outside in preparation for the inevitable. I'm telling you all of this to let you know I understand that when the WS knows it's over, then yes it is time to begin living life to its fullest. It would be so much nicer to end things first, then find love after the fact, but sometimes fate brings someone special a little early and we don't want to let that special person disappear into the mist. If you are in a no fault state and they've only been married I think you said 6 years, she will not get alimony and since the kids aren't hers she probably won't get child support. Cousel has probably suggested she stay in the house so that she can get half of it. In that regard, he's pretty lucky. My H stands to lose a lot and that is why he is being so nasty. We've been married a long time and he'll have to pay half the number of years we've been married in alimony which he already says he refuses to pay. Good luck, Nextel. The M is over. He has made up his mind. He made up his mind long before I was ever in the picture. Its just that he is now taking action and she sees that her life will not be the same without him. He tells me that things are not ugly, but that he cannot stand her. He said that things were really bad before I was in the picture, but since he has been seeing me, he is not home much especially when his children are not there. Therefore, there is not much W can say because she knows he is seeing someone. He says that he does not want to let me go and is doing everything in his power to make things happen. Yes I am in a no fault state and they have only been married for less than 2 years. Apparently, alimony is not a requirement of the divorce, however he can offer her a settlement to make her go away. She definately wont get child support because they are not her children. He has physical custody of his children. Regardless of what her counsel advises her, the law wont give her any more than she is entitled to. At this point, she can only get whatever equity the house has (which wont be much considering the market). And even with that, they will have to subtract the down payment, when he did the calculations, he said after all that, she gets something like $1000. So instead he offered to help her find an apartment in a nice area and would pay 3 months of rent. A nice apt will cost about $800 a month. So at this point, she is the one that stands to lose a lot and its probably in her best interest to negotiate with him and they go their separate ways as opposed to going through the courts and she ends up with absolutely nothing. Thank you for your response. It helped me further understand the situation MM is facing.
LoveAtLast Posted January 20, 2008 Posted January 20, 2008 I just joined today, and am rooting for you guys. I am in a similar situation, waiting on a deadline for my MM 's M to be officially over. I know that he truly loves me, but divorce can be such a huge process, and disrupting everything is such a huge step for him. Mine was the easiest our lawyer has ever seen, even with kids, but his looks like it will be horrible. Good luck!
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