jdeedee Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Today was a pretty eventful day. I had my therapy session, went to a CoDA meeting and more. I have a bunch of things going on in my head so this will be long but oddly a lot more positive than my past threads. My therapist gave me the OK to send my ex a birthday card. I found an amazing card today shopping, her favorite colors, a very loving and thoughtful message inside. I wrote in "Happy Birthday Ex, enjoy the special day. - JDD" It's sent out and I think the sentiment is right. The message I added is a bit neutral but the message on the card is very good so I am happy about it. CoDA was a bit... out there. I am not sure if I want to go again, and I might just be using this as an excuse or scaring myself away. I don't know if I really need a 12 step program to deal with my emotions. They said at the meeting to come to 6 meetings before deciding if CoDA is right for you, so I am going to try that. Disaster of the day: My ex got a puppy for her birthday. I know this from Facebook (she updated her status to say "Taking a nap with my new puppy." This really saddens me a little for a few reasons. I wish I was with her to share this new experience. It kind of saddens me to know she is replacing me with an animal. ...but at the same time, and you can all laugh at me for it -- I wanted to get a puppy before I even knew she was getting one. I have no one to love in my life and nothing to come home to. I wanted to have a pet to love and cherish as my own. So it's weird, she is replacing me with a pet, the same way I wanted to do for her. A coping mechanism, something else to love and cherish and bring you up and sleep with. I wish I could afford a pet. All in all I am pretty satisfied with how my day went. I'd love to hear some thoughts on the entire thing. Very very happy today and think I progressed a lot.
Author jdeedee Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 And how quickly the tables turn. I am really not over her yet, all of a sudden I am crying. How is it that I can feel so guilty for being happy for once that I start crying. I want to experience new things with her. It saddens me that she is having a life without us. I am trying to move on so hard, going to therapy, meetings. I am majorly depressed sometimes and can't help but feel like she just flipped a switch and is over me. It is hurting, I need a support system in real life. I need friends and I don't have any, I have my best friend and that's it and thats not enough. I need a group of people to have fun with and begin healing around. I am so confused now. I was fine literally 30 minutes ago. :(
Leia Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 What makes you think she's replacing you with a puppy? It could be that she has always wanted a puppy. Maybe she just loves animals. She has moved on and you should too! It's not easy, nothing is easy but s*** happens and you gotta pick yourself up and move on.
Author jdeedee Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 It was a selfish thought. She is a pet oriented person and it is one of the things I really miss about her. Lots of dogs, cats, birds, in the house. Deep down it made me feel a little good that she was getting a puppy for her birthday, maybe like she was using it to help her feel better about the breakup. But thats just what I want an animal for, something to cuddle and channel my love to.
SmileyFace82 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hey man, i know how you are feeling... The thing is, who knows how she is feeling right now? I assure you, there will be a time in her life where she will be thinking about you and what she had with you but it may not be right now. On the other hand, she might be thinking about you right now, but on the face of it she appears to be happy and moving on. You don't know and you will probably never know. You shouldn't really concern yourself with her for the time being. Just focus on yourself and do as much as you can to move on with your life. I don't know the history of you and your ex and the circumstances involved in your break up, but you can't stay at the same place. Not having friends is a bit of a bail out. I used to use that excuse too when i broke up with my ex, but basically what i was doing was waiting and hoping for people to invite me out or people to help me with my situation. It's up to ourselves to go out and meet new people. There is nothing stopping you from meeting new people. Join a club, take up a hobby...whatever it takes. I switch my moods very easily too... but whenever i feel like missing my ex i remind myself that EVERYTHING was not rosy...there were bad times and if i do get back with her, would i really be happy? i'd rather find someone who loves me for who i am.
Leia Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 It was a selfish thought. She is a pet oriented person and it is one of the things I really miss about her. Lots of dogs, cats, birds, in the house. Deep down it made me feel a little good that she was getting a puppy for her birthday, maybe like she was using it to help her feel better about the breakup. But thats just what I want an animal for, something to cuddle and channel my love to. Is there an animal shelter nearby your house? You can adopt one. I don't know where you're from but where I am, we have an animal shelter here that works without profits, you can adopt and bring one home for free. It's actually run by my uncle and the cats/dogs are stray ones which we bathe them and keep them well fed and taken care of. You can always just pick one up by the road side or something since you can't afford one right now. Give it the love that no one else is giving. Just a thought.
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hey, JD! Thanks for the update -- I was thinking of you . I'm glad you're happy and feeling good about your progress. (There will be some 'backslides' like you experienced but so what, huh? -- overall still a great day for you!) I like that you wrote a more neutral note in the card -- I'm sure it's like you said: combined with the pre-printed message it's likely a good 'overall' sentiment. Yeah, I guess the CoDA thing could have been a bit overwhelming --smart idea to keep going until you know what's what. It's amazing how expensive it can be to keep and care for a pet! I don't have any but a g/f told me she spent $800 on some vet's bill -- totally threw off her budget. Okies -- have sweet dreams and another really good and happy day tomorrow . BFN.
sedgwick Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 (edited) I will tell you right now that what has gotten me through this breakup, more than anything, is my cat (aka the KittenPig.) I found the KittenPig five years ago behind my best friend's tattoo shop. There was a litter of abandoned kittens -- six in all -- and three of them had already frozen to death. I took the other three, who were barely alive, and bottle fed them all. The KittenPig was only a few hours old when he came into my life. He fit into the palm of my hand and still had his umbilical cord. I took the three (barely) surviving kittens to the vet, and the KittenPig was the weakest. The vet said, "I really don't expect this little black one to live through the night." So I sat up all night long holding the KittenPig against my chest and feeding him sugar water out of an eyedropper. I promised him that if he lived I'd keep him. (The other two lived also and eventually went to live with one of my students-- I was teaching college at the time.) Fast forward to now: the KittenPig weighs 13 pounds. He is a big black panther who thinks he owns the universe. He has never known anything but total love and affection. When I fall asleep at night, I hold him in my arms. When I wake up in the morning, the KittenPig instinctively knows it, and he chirps and jumps up on my chest and settles in and purrs. He loves apples more than life itself, so he's gotten them as a treat almost every day since the breakup. This is because if nobody else will give me the love eyes, at least the KittenPig will if I give him apple slices. If only it had been that easy to make my ex love me! Moral of the story: it cost me nothing to bring the KittenPig into my life. (Well, except for kitten formula. The vet didn't even charge me for visits because he was so happy I was willing to bottle-feed them and not trying to dump them off on him.) He's the closest thing I'll ever have to a child. I would honestly throw myself in front of a train for the Pig. Even as I type he's rolling around under my desk giving me the upside-down head of loooooooove. I highly recommend a KittenPig of one's own. On another note, keep doing what you're doing. It'll pay off. Working on yourself always does. Edited January 17, 2008 by sedgwick
Lee725 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hi JDD, i am sorry that you are feeling the up's & downs, i don't know about you but just reading Sedg's post about kittenpig makes me want one! Some people might be grossed out by this but they say a well bred rat can be as affectionate as a dog. (don't know how you feel about rats). I am only mentioning this because they would be really cheap to keep. Just a thought. Keep your chin up my friend.
Author jdeedee Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 (edited) Thanks for all the replies people. I need to just keep living day to day. It's so hard to get through this on my own. My roommate brother bestfriend whatever doesn't care about whats going on because he didn't like her so he's just happy she's gone. Me, I know we had troubled times but I am just so lonely and hurt for companionship. I'm getting up every day, eating right, trying to exercise (be it a walk or moving heavy objects at work all day) but my mood still tends to go towards the negative More than anything I'm lonely. I want someone, some thing to love and be loved by. I guess that's what codependency is in the end. It really makes me sad. I hate being jealous of my ex. I'm jealous that she has a support system around her that I lack. I have no clue how hard she took the breakup but I know that if it was hard for her she has her pets, her mom and dad and family, her best friend (who I am jealous of, too -- he gets to see her every day, be loved by her family, he gets to replace me ). They all live near or with her and I feel like its so unfair. How selfish is that? I just want someone to hug me in the morning or someone to hug. I'm really lonely. I know it takes time to get through this and I'm trying, I really am. I feel broken that I have to go to a 12 step program to get over an ex, it really doesn't make me feel good about myself. I am ashamed. I wish I didn't have so much self pity. I wish I loved myself more Edited January 17, 2008 by jdeedee
Confused9 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 You can change the way you think and feel about yourself. You need to participate in positive self talk. That will really help you turn around the way you feel. My therapist told me postive thinking turns in to positive feeling. I know it's hard but you can do it. You need to move on. No one is going to love you unless you love yourself. You have this oppurtunity to get to know yourself and start living for you. You are in control of your own life...so your happiness and life is in your own hands. Run with that freedom!!! In terms of the pet. Go to a local shelter. It is free to do so and it will help you feel better. I have a cat, my x and I shared him and I got the cat and I would be lost without him. He is the best thing. I cuddle with him and I know he loves me unconditionally. His phone and cat litter aren't really expensive either. You can make it work. I know what it's like to feel like you have no support. I really don't either. My family is a mess and my friends have their own stuff going on, but...you can do this. Some people can suprise you when you are down. It does get easier. It's hard still, but the heartbreak changes to confusion to sadness to more confusion and so on. It's a rollercoaster and it's lonely...but in the end...there are bigger and better things for us!
Author jdeedee Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 You can change the way you think and feel about yourself. You need to participate in positive self talk. That will really help you turn around the way you feel. My therapist told me postive thinking turns in to positive feeling. I know it's hard but you can do it. You need to move on. No one is going to love you unless you love yourself. You have this oppurtunity to get to know yourself and start living for you. You are in control of your own life...so your happiness and life is in your own hands. Run with that freedom!!! In terms of the pet. Go to a local shelter. It is free to do so and it will help you feel better. I have a cat, my x and I shared him and I got the cat and I would be lost without him. He is the best thing. I cuddle with him and I know he loves me unconditionally. His phone and cat litter aren't really expensive either. You can make it work. I know what it's like to feel like you have no support. I really don't either. My family is a mess and my friends have their own stuff going on, but...you can do this. Some people can suprise you when you are down. It does get easier. It's hard still, but the heartbreak changes to confusion to sadness to more confusion and so on. It's a rollercoaster and it's lonely...but in the end...there are bigger and better things for us! I was going to go to a shelter on Sunday but they are closed. Maybe they'll be open Monday since I have the day off for MLK Would you mind explaining the positive self-talk stuff? I feel silly with self affirmation, perhaps due to my low self esteem. My therapist said we are going to work on my one on one social interactions, helping me express myself especially in times of frustration/heated moments and work on getting me out of this shell I've built up. I don't really know if any of that is self esteem stuff though.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 T I'm getting up every day, eating right, trying to exercise (be it a walk or moving heavy objects at work all day) More than anything I'm lonely. I want someone, some thing to love and be loved by. I'm jealous that she has a support system around her that I lack. I wish I didn't have so much self pity. I wish I loved myself more Well kudos on the eating right and exercising. Steps in an upward direction right there. Everyone wants to be loved and have some one to love. There's a spot in our hearts and souls that isn't entirely complete otherwise. You don't lack a support system, you have a counselor you see right? And when in doubt there's all of us on LS! And you will learn to love yourself as you should. It may take time, but you will learn. It is so important to get to that point. Love yourself and you can love others. You'll feel a satisfaction and new completion in this that you didn't feel before. Have faith in yourself.
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hey JD. You're making really good progress -- you've been feeling that within yourself. That is something positive you can keep reminding yourself about. Similar thing with taking care of your physical health. And you're taking care of your emotional health, too. Positive self-talk is about telling yourself things that are true, that help you feel encouraged and good about yourself. Some people think it's about walking around blowing smoke up your own butt, "I am so great...the world is so wonderful." That doesn't work because your conscious and subconscious minds are smarter than to believe what isn't true for you. So. Instead of, "I hate feeling jealous" you can turn it into, "I want to stop feeling jealous." You can say, "I feel lonely right now but I know that feeling will change at some point." (It's not about denying/ignoring what you are feeling, but framing a current undesirable situation so that you also allow space for the improvement that you KNOW is coming.) Some of your negative self-talk is that you're seeing yourself like a car or a toaster -- something that can be broken and/or replaced. Human beings are not appliances...we do not get "broken". We are unique, so we cannot be replaced. Our feelings get hurt, our bodies may become diseased, our minds may wander from totally productive thinking BUT none of that means WE are "broken". When you pet gets injured or sick, would you EVER say, "My dog is broken"? It's the same, about people. You don't sound "selfish", either. It sounds as if you are just finding ways to cope with your hurt and disappointment. CoDA is going to be helpful, I think, because you got what codependence is, after just one meeting. Some people struggle for a lifetime to get to that same understanding. Now, repeat after me: "I want to have a positive mood. I choose to find positive things to think, say and do. I attend CoDA meetings for my personal development. I am progressing faster than I expected. I am learning to love myself." You really are doing great, JD. Your efforts will NOT go unrewarded.
so_sad Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 First of all let me say that I don't think I could survive this breakup without my dog, who I absolutely love and adore unconditionally. That said, please think VERY VERY carefully before you get a dog or a cat. Even if you get one free at the shelter (and I definitely think the shelter is the best option when getting a pet), there will still be tremendous costs involved in keeping it. Food, which is an ongoing expense, but more significantly the vet bills are always bigger than you think. Over the course of my cat's life I paid literally thousands in vet bills - and her health issues are not that major. My dog is very healthy, but even his regular vacinnes are about $300 a year. My point: please don't get a pet unless you are SURE that you can afford to look after it properly for the rest of its life. Otherwise it could end up back at the shelter. Also, I'm not sure if you live alone, but being a "single parent" to a dog is freaking hard work (I say this from experience). Dogs need an incredible amount of attention and physical exercise and human contact. I know you have a lot of love to give a pet, which is great, but it's not the only consideration. Someone mentioned rats - I don't know how you feel about them but I once had one and she was amazing. They are very smart and can be really affectionate too. And of course they are much less expensive to maintain. Other small animals can be great company too - rabbits, guinea pigs, and chinchillas. Animal shelters often have them up for adoption in addition to cats and dogs. Anyway, I'm just trying to share my experiences. I just think the decision to get a pet is a big one and should be undertaken only after some careful thought. Good luck and let us know what you do!
Confused9 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I agree with Ronnie. It isn't about blowing smoke up your toosh it's about changing your thinking to be more positive. REalizing the thoughts in your head that are negative are toxins and you need to change them and put a positive spin on it. Also, try and recognize your thoughts and stop yourself from saying and thinking to yourself I am ugly, bald, fat, or whatever it is that you say. Those thoughts are again, toxic. You need to realize that you deserve better. Accentuate the positive. And get a pet. They are love!
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 It is, of course, true that pets make great companions and 'objects' on which to shower love and affection. However, they can also become a distraction to the process of learning how to love and care for one's Self, and feel really happy and content just in one's OWN company. Not that it's a "bad" idea to get one after you've considered the financial and other obligations, just be cautious that having one doesn't interfere with your personal development goals.
Confused9 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Well I already had my cat when we broke it off so I don't know if it is different than buying one when you just break up with someone. He is the only object that my x fiance and I shared that I don't want to vomit when I look at.
Author jdeedee Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Thank you all for the kind supportive words. I'll see if theres anything specific to reply to. I've been doing pretty well today, pangs of longing and lonliness have crept in from time to time but for the first time in almost 2 months I've had good things happening in my life. Potential job offers, insurance taking 100% liability for my car accident, scholarship offers. I can only hope my esteem and love life takes a positive turn soon too. How I long for the day when feeling good doesn't come with immediate pangs of guilt
Ronni_W Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 I can only hope my esteem and love life takes a positive turn soon too. ... How I long for the day when feeling good doesn't come with immediate pangs of guilt Hey Guy, great job on positive self-talk in that first sentence !!! To make it even more self-affirming, try on something like, "I am increasing my self-esteem every day." Now, how can you rephrase the 2nd sentence so that is a positive statement of your desire AND doesn't include anything negative (like guilt)??? Focus on what you WANT. (If you want to get into it a bit more, Google something like "positive affirmation rules" or "positive self-talk guidelines" -- there are about 4 or 5 tips that are very useful to follow.) Have positive thoughts, uplifting experiences...and a very happy day
Author jdeedee Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 (edited) I just wanted to update you guys on my day today, rather than making a new thread. So I know I should delete her off of facebook but I can't bring myself to do it. Anyway as schools draws nearer she's been more active on facebook, updating things, removing me from places... moving on. It sucks and the thing that bothers me most is that she is so positive with what she is writing. She wasn't positive many times in our relationship. This was something I had issues with through the entire time and even talked to her about it. She would say she is naturally pessimistic and I dealt sometimes being more upset about it than others. Anyway since we broke up everything she posts is so damn positive. It upsets me because it makes me feel like she is so happy to not be dating me. The negativity within the relationship made me feel like a failure, "I can't keep my girlfriend happy." This positivity outside the relationship only reinforces that feeling. Now I know it's the internet and we can present ourselves however we want, and I know she has always been more positive to those who don't know her as well, but it still sucks. I also know that I shouldn't care, I need to move on, but right now I do care so this is something that matters to me. She is going out with her mom on her birthday this weekend and is so happy about it. All these good things seem to be happening to her and I am trying to be happy for her, but I can't help but feel hurt -- as if our relationship was such a negative strain on her life and she is so damn excited and happy to have me gone. I hope no one just says "move on, leave her a lone stop obsessing." I am trying so hard to do this and I know its what I should be doing, I don't know I'm really upset right now and I don't do well with just stopping thinking about people, it's not who I am I'm sorry. Edited January 18, 2008 by jdeedee
Always Wrong Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 (edited) jdeedee, It's very likely that what she is doing is a coping mechanism... because I've seen that behavior in the past. One of my exs quit wearing makeup for a long while before we split. Then after we split I saw her at a store and she was all dolled up! ( I didn't let her know I saw her. ) That didn't mean she felt any better. She was just "trying" to feel better. I know for sure because I talked to her a few months afterward and she was telling me about trying to get back in the game, and what a struggle it was, and how easy going I was, and how much she missed me. Give me a F'n break! Too bad... so sad... she finally realized what she had! Quit looking back and letting your imagination fill in the blanks! She's putting on a good show, but what's really underneath that fascia? Edited January 18, 2008 by Always Wrong
Author jdeedee Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Thanks Always, I really appreciate not being pounced on for obsessing over the ex a little. I know it makes it hard for me when I keep looking at her stuff and it's something I just have to deal with. I am moving on and by the time I posted that earlier, about an hour later I was actually okay. I am healing and slowly I will be over her, I just have setbacks sometimes.
Confused9 Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 I agree with Always wrong. MY x that cheated on me keeps posting his moods on myspace saying he's ecstatic, happy, confident...but I don't believe it for one minute. He has so much anger when he speaks to me and I know that's his guilt setting in. No one can leave a 7 year relationship after being unfaithful and then move across country where he knows no one and stops talking to everyone in their life because they are ecstatic. Granted he has a new love (suppossedly) but I think that's a load of crap too. This kid is in trouble. He is burying all this negative stuff so far that it's bound to implode on him at some point. (This is all speculation and thoughts I want to be true of course...I could be wrong and he could be happy:o) Plus, I post happy moods, etc. But that's to only get to him and try and talk myself in to being happy. So...you never know.
Author jdeedee Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 It is tough when you know so much about someone, see so deeply into their world, share so many moments with them and then suddenly they become a stranger. I know she has to be having some difficulty with the breakup, intellectually I am sure of it. She is just putting up this front that she always did and emotionally it stings like a bee. I really do miss her, I hope she knows that. She must. I want only the best for all the people around me, they do mean the world to me even if I am not in contact with them.
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