KATANYA Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hi Everyone. This week (actually started this past weekend) has been quite a hard one for me. I hope I don't go on and on but I really need to talk right now. I got some bad news about a parent on Saturday....not doing very well and far enough way that I can't just scoot over to check in. I thought of taking a few days off and going home but I had a dr's appt. on Monday that I knew I could not miss so I had to stay home and try to gage the situation over the phone...seems things are getting a bit better but I still plan to head home this weekend to check in for myself. Having said that, my Dr.'s appt was very hard......Dr. found a rather large mass (lump) in my breast. I have to go for a diagnostic mammogram and then to specialist but wait time is about 3-4 weeks. A few other minor incidents this week have only compounded two really big blows for me ---- Needless to say, I've been really off at work. I was supposed to travel to Cancun (never been) with four other people (all work associates whom I get along well with socially but who are not 'close' to me). I was actually looking really forward to this but it will coincide now with the anticipated tests the Dr. has set up. I actually called today to see if I could change my dates and I can......I'm really considering going alone ( I really wouldn't mind ) before the tests- a distraction if things are stable with my parent. Today exMM told me he knew something was not right......said I looked so sad and what could he do? We went for coffee (yes, just coffee and yes, his wife knows we went) I told him about my situation with my parent as he knows them and he was very attentive and even offered some good advice on the situation - agreeing I needed to go home and offering to cover a rather large project presentation for me so I could go without worries. I wanted to tell him about the Dr. visit but stopped - I have told no one. I have no family around me and I have never been the girly-girlfriend type that I have 'close' girlfriends in that sense. I have friends, of course, but I am extemely private (in large part due to the very abusive marriage I was in before and all that went on). I did not plan to tell anyone until after the tests are done (no sense anyone worrying before we know what to worry about, right?) but at the same time, on the way back from coffee exMM told me he knew there was something else that I wasn't telling him. He said he could just 'feel' that something was wrong and told me he was there for me if I needed him. I know I can trust him, I know he would never repeat anything to anyone and I know he would even be there to talk to and even come to the tests with me.......I really wanted to tell him but I didn't know if that was the right thing to do. I need him right now and I know he would be there no matter what. I guess I'm feeling overwhelmed, tired (not much sleep since the weekend) and just want to reach out to someone who I know I can trust and I know loves me and will support me right now.......I just need a friend. Sorry for the long post!
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I am sorry that you have to go through all this, and I really hope the mass isn't serious and it turns out to be nothing. Two suggestions, keep posting here and CALL one of your friends, even if they aren't nearby or another family member. Reaching out the exMM is putting him in a position where he might (again) have to choose between you and his wife...I know you need a friend but due to the cirumstances, not too sure it's such a good idea. I mean, what if you really needed him and he couldn't be there for you? It will hurt you...So don't rely on him too much for support, even though he said he would help you.
Author KATANYA Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Hi WWIU. I think that is probably what stopped me from telling him. He would definitely want to be here for me. I know as well that, if anything comes of this, he will know and will be there for me and for my children. I wish I had family to call right now but those I would consider calling are also preoccupied with my parent's situation and I don't need to compound that. I think I will just have to deal with this on my own for now.......thanks for your advice.
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 You need some support big time right now, I know you're scared...So, start a new thread in Physical Fitness, Health & Weight Management, and let everyone help you through this. You're vunerable right now and you don't need to deal with the reaction of exMM's wife with all that's going on. You gotta look out for you and your kids...Please, make that new thread, k.
PoshPrincess Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 (edited) You're vunerable right now and you don't need to deal with the reaction of exMM's wife with all that's going on. You gotta look out for you and your kids...Please, make that new thread, k. Kat, I can understand you wanting to reach out to MM at a time like this. We always want to turn to people closest too us when times are tough after all. I still feel like sometimes with my MM but I have a new man now and luckily lots of other people close by that I can turn to. WWIU is right though - you have enough to deal with this without further emotional attachment to MM. The most important thing at the moment is to take care of yourself, and if seeing your parent will give you some peace of mind, take that trip too! I personally think that having this contact with MM will only make everything 10 times worse for you, especially on an emotional level. I really hope everything goes ok for you. Stay strong! Edited January 17, 2008 by PoshPrincess typo
GreenEyedLady Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 (((HUGS))) You have my thoughts and prayers... (((KATANYA)))
White Flower Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hi Katanya. It is ok to share your issues with family even while your parent is ill. It will bring you all closer together perhaps. I hope and pray you have the best possible outcome with both health and family. And maybe it's enough knowing that xMM would be there IF you told him? Best of luck, sweetie. (((hugs)))
OWoman Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Sorry to hear that news, Kat - I hope things shift soon for the better, on all fronts. I disagree with your thread name though - I don't think it's XMM you need, I think it's a friend! He may be it, or it may be someone else, but I think You do need the comfort and grounding that talking things through with someone provides. Both parental issues and health scares leave you feeling very vulnerable, and it's easy to start awfulising if you don't have someone else's voice to counter that and offer an different perspective. I'm going to be the contrary voice here and say, if there really is no one else you're comfortable speaking to about this, then speak to XMM. It's too big a thing to bear alone and you do need a friend on your side. (hugs)
Owl Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 FINALLY!!! Something I can disagree with Owoman on!!! Her and I were agreeing too much...people were starting to talk! I agree with what she says about needing a friend...someone, anyone to talk with. You need some emotional support, Katanya, and I think that this is right on the money. You need someone to vent with. I'd say that you should find either a good female friend that you can trust, or a family member you know that you can trust to keep mum and is able to handle the combined situation of yours and your parent's. That's really your best way to go. Talking like this with exMM...well, wasn't that kind of 'personal, intimate, heart-sharing talk' what helped the affair start or fuel it along? Talking about highly emotionally charged, deeply personal things are the meat and bones of intimacy. That's the BIGGEST risk with opposite sex friends. That's why you have to have boundaries with them. If he's an EX-MM...he needs to stay that way. Talking with him about this problem is going to open the door for things to go on.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Dr.'s appt was very hard......Dr. found a rather large mass (lump) in my breast. I have to go for a diagnostic mammogram and then to specialist but wait time is about 3-4 weeks. I hope that it will turn out to be benign. I really and sincerely do. That said, if it isn't you can and will get through it. You will want people around you who will enrich your life, not complicate it further. Trust me when I say that relationship complications are not needed in a situation like this, and it only serves to make things that much harder. told me he was there for me if I needed him. Ok, I'm going to give this to you straight with no holds barred. It won't be a nice and pretty thing I'm going to say but... Will he really be there? If you have cancer, you will need someone who can be there for you 24/7. Not someone who can only come by when he can sneak out of the house when its convenient for him. It might be easy now to see him as some sort of support system, but when the chips are down (and trust me when I say that those chips can get pretty f*cking far down) you won't see the support side. The black cynical part of you that forms when you hear "cancer" will only see him as a part time fair weather sort of person and you'll find yourself angry and wanting to say... "you know what? F*CK off, I don't need your sneaking around part time bullsh*t". I'm telling you, Kat - when you find yourself where I am you become strangely self protective, almost feral at times. I am going through something similar with my own part time fair weather guy and it sucks. All it does is send you up when he's around and sends you crashing down when he's not. Think it was hard before? Try riding the roller coaster when you have cancer. It ain't fun. I will be thinking about you through this. I hope your doctor finds that you have a benign thing in there, and if not - then gather your support, your TRUE support. If you have any questions about breast stuff, just drop me a PM. I understand that you are scared, but either way you will get through this.
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