T - mac Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 ok well, im going to start by telling you all a little background information about me. im 16 years old, i was born in washington state, and when i was 3 i moved to mexico with my mother. i lived there for about 6 years, i learned fluent spanish after living there for a year. then when i was about 9, i moved back to the us to live with my father. my father was strict and drank quite a bit, and also had problems with anger and yelling. i didnt like it when i first got there, but his intentions where good, and it ended up changing me for the better, since when i was with my mom i would cry a lot, and would get anything i wanted that way, so in other words my mother lacks some good parenting skills. so i lived with my dad until last year, when i was 15. in the last couple years we have been having some problems, and he has been drinking more and more, and his anger problems have been getting worse. and it just got to the point where we just dont relate to each other, and i just couldnt take it anymore. within the last year living with my dad, i met a friend who would soon become the first person that i would really have feelings for. she never became my girlfriend, but we both liked each other a lot, and became very good friends. that is also when i found out how hard it is to be friends with someone you like, it was very stressful. and well, all the way up to the end of the last school year, my dad and i had been having worsening problems. within that time, i found out that he had been smoking pot quite some time, and he had also started to do some pretty bad things when he got angry with me, like punch a hole in my closet door, almost hitting me by the way. and wrecking my whole room by ripping the droors out of my desk, breaking almost all 50 of my cd cases, and broke my computer keyboard on my back. and thats when i realized that i just couldnt take it anymore, i had to get away from him for a while. before i go on, i want to say that in that last year, when i was 15, i had also started to smoke pot a little and drink a little too. i had always been very against pot up until then but it was hard because literally almost everyone where i lived smoked pot, including some of my teachers, about 90 percent of the kids in my high school, and even some of the cops. not to say i was living in a bad place or anything, it is very safe where i lived, and everything was really close, you could just go and walk to the store or wherever you want without worrying about anything. i walked to school every day and everyone knew each other, it was a great community. ok so, as soon as the school year was over, i hopped onto a plane and flew down to jalisco mexico to live with my mother again. it was very nice at first, my school was great, every kid had a laptop and there was wireless at my school, and we had all our work on the internet and everything. and also i was amazed at how much i liked the people that live here, they are much more respectful than the people in the us. for instance, when you greet someone you always greet them with a kiss on the cheek and well, they are just a lot nicer than the people in the US. my first couple months at school where great, i made lots of new friends, i was doing pretty well in all my classes, despite the fact that i had forgotten much of my Spanish. and then, after about 2 months, i met this girl in my class who actually, i had had my eye on since the first day of school. not everyone agrees but i just think she is one of the most gorgeous girls i have ever met. and well, one day i started to talk to her, and i immediately started to fall for her. by the way, i want to mention that when i left the US i kind of promised myself i would get into a relationship or anything for maybe another year because of how stressful it was. so, we talked and started to sit together in every class. her english was completely fluent because her father is from the US. she asked me questions about almost everything and i got to know her pretty well and also just totally fell in love with her. we started to hang out during the weekends and went to movies and went to the mall and stuff like that, i really enjoyed spending time with her, it was great. except for the fact that i liked her, and i kinda knew she didnt like me. although she gave me very mixed signals, and was always kinda flirting with me, and she was always with me, and she told me about everything. she also did many other things that just totally got me confused about whether she liked me or not, even though deep down i knew all along that she didnt. at about this point, something terrible happened, i got called into the office one day, and was told i had to take a test rite then and there, and i had to pass it or i would go back a grade. this was because my other school was based on a credits system, and i had failed both chemistry and algebra because of the problems i had been having with my dad. and since the test was in spanish i failed it, i just didnt understand the things that where in it. and well, even after doing everything we could, i was sent back a grade, which separated me from my new friend. after that we could only see each other on weekends and during recesses. which we did, and i even snuck into some of her classes to be with her when i could. then on my birthday we went out to pizza hut with her sister and another one of her friends, and then we went down to the beach and walked along the street for a while and... all in all, we had a very good night. the next day was when i decided that i had to tell her that i liked her as more than a friend, and well, i did, and she said that she didn't have a problem with it, and she told me something about how when we where by the beach that night, she looked into my eyes and couldnt stop or something... and that im a really good friend to her and stuff like that. she also told me about what had happened a couple years ago, about her and her boyfriend and well, she had some bad things happen after being in a 1 and a half year relationship. and she told me that she just wasnt ready for another relationship yet, and said that at that point, anything good could happen between us. and for some reason after that point we stopped seeing each other as much on the weekends, but still saw each other every day at school. i think it was because of how much homework she had though, and not because of what i told her. about 2 months later we saw each other again and went to the mall together or something, i dont really remember. and last month, i went with her to pizza hut for her birthday. but still we where only seeing each other out of school about once a month. ok im going to skip ahead a little to where im at now, and well, it has been very stressful lately, because she has her vacation rite now, and i still have school. and we only see each other about 1 a week or less. and im just going to say that at this point, being friends with her is literally THE most depressed and stressed i have been in my life, even with the problems ive had with my dad and things like that, i mean, when i see her even talking to other guys i just get a horrible feeling in my stomach, and im always wondering if she is with other guys, which i know i shouldnt be doing, because after all, we are just friends, but i just cant help it. i dont know what she does when shes on break and im at school, but i think she has been seeing her other guy friend a lot lately, and well it is just so depressing thinking about it, and well, on some days, i finally start to get over her a tiny bit, but then when i talk to her it just brings me straight back to where i was before. last week i told her she was my best friend, and she told me i was her best guy friend, and that she really means that. and then today i was talking to her and she says i am one of her best friends, not sure what she means by that but it just gets me thinking, and stresses me out even more. i am at the point where if i dont see her for 1 day i miss her like crazy. and i just dont know why we dont see each other as much anymore. and i dont know if i should talk to her about that or not. sometimes i think that i just need to stop seeing her and try to forget about her and move on, but when i try i just cant. before i met her, i never really thought that drugs and alcohol and sex where a big deal. but after meeting her, everything has changed. she has convinced me that i don't want to have drugs in my life, and that sex isnt as important as i thought it was. she is probably, really, the only catholic girl i have met that really does believe in no sex until marriage, and doesnt do drugs, and doesnt drink, and yet, she is still amazingly fun to be with. and im now convinced that i want to marry a nice catholic girl. and im even thinking about not having sex until marriage. i know a lot of guys are probably thinking what the hell is this kid thinking or something like that, but i really think that it may be something which i want to do. and well, i this girl is just so amazing, she is everything i could ever dream of in a girl, and i just dont want to lose her. she says ill always be her friend, and i tell her the same, but i just worry so much about what would happen if she gets a boyfriend, it just terrifies me to think about it, that we wouldnt be able to be as good of friends as we are now. also another thing that i dont know if i should talk to her about or not. so now im at the point where im really only happy when im with her or talking to her, and when im not, i worry about everything that could or might happen, or about who she is with and stuff like that. and rite now i am more depressed than i have ever been. i guess the reason for me writing this was mostly just to vent, but i would really love to see a little feedback or something. thanks for listening, T-Mac
katiebour Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I have two words for you: Teenage Hormones or maybe Puppy Love. T-mac, my dear, you are still a child. I know you've had a lot of things happen to you in your life thus far (most of us on this message board have) but you are still a child. You have years, and years, and years ahead of you before you even need to think about marriage. You said when you moved to Mexico that you promised yourself to not get into a relationship? Follow through, kiddo. Now is the time to focus on school, on that Spanish and algebra and chemistry. It's time to think about what you're going to do after you graduate- are you going to college? Are you going to get a job? Get your life together, give yourself some time to discover who you are and look at your opportunities. Relationships can come when you are settled and adult. Let me put it this way- You've probably never: paid rent paid utility bills taken out a loan had a full-time job lasting more than a year bought a car paid for insurance put money into a savings account dated seriously I'd say these are the things you should be thinking about. Worry about becoming an adult first, taking on adult responsibilities, and once you've done that, you can think about marriage. By all means, date if you want to, but don't obsess over one person. If you do find someone you'd like to date, great, but don't let it interfere with school. Your future is the #1 priority now. You need to make yourself into the kind of adult man that a woman would want to date, would want to marry.
Author T - mac Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 (edited) i know, and i totaly agree, and thats what i have been saying in my earlier threads. that im only 16 and i have my whole life ahead of me and i should have to be dealing with this crap for another few years at the least. and yet still it somehow worked its way into my life and is now effecting my school work and also many other things. when i said i didnt want to get into any relationships or anything i meant it, but it just happened anyways. trust me, if i could go back now i would have never even talked to the girl if i knew it would have gotten to this, but its too late now. i was expecting for someone to say something along the line of : "oh teanagers..." so thats ok i guess. oh and as to the marriage thing, im in no means even thinking about marriage yet, and dont plan on doing it until im at least 30 years old or so. just saying that ive decided that the people i want to be around arent the people that i know back at home. and btw, no offense, but if that is really a pic of you, you dont look like ur much older than i am. Edited January 17, 2008 by T - mac
katiebour Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 i know, and i totaly agree, and thats what i have been saying in my earlier threads. that im only 16 and i have my whole life ahead of me and i should have to be dealing with this crap for another few years at the least. and yet still it somehow worked its way into my life and is now effecting my school work and also many other things. when i said i didnt want to get into any relationships or anything i meant it, but it just happened anyways. trust me, if i could go back now i would have never even talked to the girl if i knew it would have gotten to this, but its too late now. i was expecting for someone to say something along the line of : "oh teanagers..." so thats ok i guess. Sorry, I'm showing my age with the "oh teenagers" bit, I suppose But let's break this down into your options. You could: a)pursue her, ask her out, get rejected, move on b) pursue her, ask her out, date her, incorporate being with her into whatever plans you have for your future (job, college, etc) c) focus on your schoolwork etc. and try to forget about her d) spend all your time mooning after her without trying for any resolution It really does sound like you've got a crush, and we all tend to obsess a bit when we get our first crushes. I certainly remember the guys I had crushes on in high school- I thought about them constantly, fantasized about dating them, being with them, etc. But remember that obsession is like an addiction- you can choose to give in to it or you can choose to move beyond it. You are the person who decides how you spend your time and whether you give in to your obsession. You have to constantly, consciously redirect your thoughts- "I'm not going to worry about this right now, I'm going to finish my homework/go work out/find a hobby." Part of your problem, I imagine, is that as a foreign student who is not yet completely fluent in Spanish, you don't have a wide circle of friends in Mexico. I would suggest taking up a hobby- maybe working out, swimming, something artistic, volunteer work perhaps... Something to get you out of the house and focused on something else besides this girl. Make the decision that you're not going to be a jealous, creepy stalker-type. It's none of your business who she dates; and if you want a shot at being her boyfriend, you have to step up and ask her out. If she says no, then that's it and you move on. Easier said than done but you have to take control of yourself, decide what you want to focus on and stick to it. There are a lot of people here in the "Coping" section who are trying to refocus and rebuild their lives as well; we've all been there and we know what it's like to want something that you can't have. oh and as to the marriage thing, im in no means even thinking about marriage yet, and dont plan on doing it until im at least 30 years old or so. just saying that ive decided that the people i want to be around arent the people that i know back at home. Ok- all that talk of "I want to marry a nice Catholic girl" had me a bit worried. and btw, no offense, but if that is really a pic of you, you dont look like ur much older than i am. Why thank you my dear, I am 28. Almost twice your age
Author T - mac Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 ok well i have had plenty of crushes in middle school and highschool, and i can tell you now that this is different. ive had plenty of crushes on cute girls that last about a week or two and then you move on, but this is someone who i became friends with, even though i will admit i did have a little crush on her at first, when i first saw her, but then i have liked her and have been very good friends with her for about 6 months now. and i have really started to care about her and have feelings for her that i havent ever had for anyone else before. i know that when you read what im saying you are just going to see this as a kid that thinks he is in love or something and doesnt even know what love is or something but i know i havent felt like this about anyone else before, including girlfriends i had in middle school and stuff like that. ok and as the forget about her and focus on school thing, the only problem with that is, since im in mexico, and i dont know spanish well enough to do well by myself, i need her to help me in school, because she helps me with homework every day. as for asking her to be my girlfriend or something and getting denied, she would just say no and say she wont be my boyfriend but she still wants to stay friends or something. oh and btw... we "go out" all the time... like to movies and to the mall, or to the beach and stuff like that.
katiebour Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Well I won't tell you that what you're feeling isn't love- I think that love is something that a person can experience at any age. I guess the main point regarding age and love is that love has a tendency to not survive the process of growing up and becoming an independent adult. Most people when they are going from teens to twenties experience a lot of personal change i.e. finding out who they are and what they like when they are out on their own and responsible for themselves vs. living with a parent and being dependent on that parent to set the rules and pay the bills. Most people also experience years of poverty- setting up your own household and paying all your bills on an entry-level salary is a challenge. So as a young adult your personality will grow and your interests will change. Someone with whom you had a lot in common will go their own way and you will grow apart. It doesn't always happen that way but you shouldn't stifle yourself to fit a relationship. And I could go on for ages about how financial stress is one of the number one factors in ending relationships. Most of my friends who are my age have dated several people, some for years. I myself have had 3 long-term relationships. At the time I thought that each of my two exes was "the one" for me and I was madly in love with them. I lived with both of them and each time thought that I would be spending my life with and getting married to that person. And yet I am now with my third long-term boyfriend, and I honestly can't imagine my life with either of the two exes. I have changed so much and learned so much about myself in the past 10 years that I wouldn't have gone on a second date with my first boyfriend, let alone live with him or marry him. My current b/f suits the adult me so much better than the people with whom I was previously in love. I'm just telling you this to let you know that this will probably not be the last girl that you are in love with. It's great that she's helping you with your classes etc. I can tell you that her flirting with you doesn't impress me much. A truly nice person doesn't flaunt something that someone wants in front of their face. It's like holding a glass of water out in front of a person who's been lost in the desert for a week and going "Want this? Want this?" But she's young too and I'm sure that she likes the attention she gets from you. Not much else to say here- if she isn't interested in being your girlfriend then you are stuck. I had a crush on someone in high school that it was impossible for me to date. I spent as much time as possible around him, made excuses to see him, spent hours thinking about him, got up and went to school every day because I knew that he would be there. I remember him fondly but that memory doesn't hold a candle to the relationship that I have now. I hope that things work out well for you. Work hard in school and keep away from the drugs/pot/alcohol. Make yourself into a wonderful person because like attracts like.
Author T - mac Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 ok just forget about what i said, im just going to have to stop contact with her, i think she likes some1 and i need to stop being friends before she has a boyfreind. so im just going to move back to the us in a couple weeks or so and then maybe i can concentrate on my school work and stuff, at least there i know that i wont like anyone, since i know them all and hate those sluts we have there with a passion.
mental_traveller Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Hi T-mac, My advice would be not to worry too much about what you do, just have fun and go with the flow. People laugh about "teenage love", but I don't see why it's any less real than love when you are in your 20s, 30s, 40s etc. Many people never get to fall in love in their teens, so if you think it might have that potential then I would say go for it! Older people have a tendency to be rather dismissive of youngsters, so don't pay too much attention if they view your thoughts & feelings as rather trivial or transient. The only thing I would say is make sure you don't get her pregnant. Other than that, just go with your heart. If you think it's more than a crush, then who knows, maybe it could be the real thing? Even if it isn't, it's still going to give you some good times and fond memories (hopefully). So go ahead and pursue this girl if that's what you really want.
mental_traveller Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Well I won't tell you that what you're feeling isn't love- I think that love is something that a person can experience at any age. I guess the main point regarding age and love is that love has a tendency to not survive the process of growing up and becoming an independent adult. Although I agree with you, is this really any different as we get older? Half of marriages end in divorce, and relationships that don't get to the marriage stage have an even higher failure rate. I don't think young love in particular is any less likely to survive than that between middle-aged and older people. Look around at people in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s - are their relationships all hunky dory? I know many older people whose love lives are a mess, quite frankly.
katiebour Posted January 25, 2008 Posted January 25, 2008 Although I agree with you, is this really any different as we get older? Half of marriages end in divorce, and relationships that don't get to the marriage stage have an even higher failure rate. I don't think young love in particular is any less likely to survive than that between middle-aged and older people. Look around at people in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s - are their relationships all hunky dory? I know many older people whose love lives are a mess, quite frankly. I agree with you... I guess my main point is when you're just becoming an adult you don't really know exactly who you are or what you like or want... You're in the process of figuring it out. At least that is true in my case- after 10 years of flailing around, trying to learn fiscal responsibility and trying on careers like new hats, I've finally found a field I'm passionate about and am $150 away from being credit-card-debt free (after 7 years of $400 payments!) For me personally I think the reasons my previous two relationships did not survive was due in large part to the fact that neither my partners nor myself really knew who we were, and because we were under a lot of fiscal stress. A large portion of this was my fault, and I've come to see that the decisions I made and the growing-up that I had to do was too hard for my partners to deal with- they had their own issues as well. Money and changing personalities can cause stress and breakups at any age; I just think that when you're in your teens and twenties that this kind of stress is inevitable. To put this in perspective re: the original post, if T-mac is so unsure about what he wants or how he wants to do it that he can flit back and forth between the U.S. and Mexico on a whim, he is by no means ready to be involved in any kind of a relationship. "The girl I like has a boyfriend so I'm going to uproot myself and move far, far away..." this is running away from your problems rather than facing them. In 6 months is he gonna come running back? What kind of stress is this placing on his parents, who had probably just gotten used to the situation and now have to arrange for transportation, appropriate housing, school enrollment, medical care, etc. Plus the "All American teenage girls are sluts" kind of thinking is very black-and-white... Very typical of someone who is young and a bit immature. All of this is perfectly ok, the OP is 15 and it's a bit early to expect maturity from him anyway, but again any relationship undertaken at this point would be children play-acting at an adult relationship.
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