Stephanie1983 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I am in a new relationship with a wonderful guy. But, I cannot help but be put off by some of the things that he says and does regarding his ex-girlfriend. The woman he dated before me, he dated for seven years. Their relationship ended (he says mutually) about a year ago now but they remain quite close. That isn’t what bothers me, however. What does bother me is that this past Christmas, she still came over to his parent’s house to collect her presents and celebrate the holiday with him and his family. I met his folks for the first time at their home about a week ago and couldn’t help but notice the pictures of the two of them that were plastered all over their refrigerator door. He talks about her often, which normally wouldn’t trouble me, but when he does it, he refers to the two of them using plural pronouns like “we”. He speaks about her in such a way that he’s almost got me convinced that they’re still going out. He also told me that they had made arrangements earlier in 2007 to spend the night together on New Year’s Eve if neither of them had any ties to anyone else by then. He told me nothing happened that night with her, I’m not sure if it was because he was interested in me at that time or if it was something else. I have to say, I was impressed with his candor. He didn’t have to mention that to me, but he did. He also said that all of the previous attempts to get back together with his ex were made by him, but that they were all because he was just lonely. I should also tell you that this ex of his was apparently a circus freak in bed. They basically had the kind of relationship men only dream of having. It was open, very open. She is bi-sexual. They had threesomes. Me, I’m not like that, never intend to be, and I informed him of that the second he made me aware of their many escapades. He says that the arrangement he had with her is no longer something he is looking for and that if he wanted that again, he could find it in someone else. He also told me that he isn’t hung up on her or what they had, that I am what he was looking for and that he is happy to have found me. I’m doomed, aren’t I? Thanks in advance for your thoughts. -Stephanie PS-I’d like to hear some opinions from men, if possible. I already know what most of the women are going to say.
fray718 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 he's still not over his ex. You should be careful not to be a rebound. Are you his first gf since her?
Author Stephanie1983 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Yes. He's dated other girls, but I'm the first he's been serious with.
oppath Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 This is shady and you should be concerned. I'd ask him a series of questions. (1) Do you feel you are ready for a new relationship (2) Does your ex, if you are so close, know about me? (3) If you hang out with her, can I meet her? If he is over her, he won't hesitate on 2 or 3. It sucks to tell an ex "I've moved on, I'm in a relationship." But if you are in a relationship, and you are in touch, to be honest, unless you are integrated into their "friendship," they are not JUST friends.
Jilly Bean Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 How long have you been dating him? And why did he spend NYE with her, and not you?
Lee725 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I’m doomed, aren’t I? No you are not, but the relationship probably is. oppath as raised some great questions. however i covered 1 & 2 with my ex and even tho he convinced me otherwise, i was still a rebound in the end. He even told his ex to get use to me being around all the time at his house. Mind you his parents had taken all photos down, in his mum's words "for his sake & our own". They are not ready to let her go either, otherwise those photos would be down. No. 3 was not covered with me, there is no way i would be comfortable with that, although i am sure it may work for others. You could try to ride this one out, but in the end you may be the one who ends up getting really hurt because you can love him freely, he comes with attachments. Good luck
oppath Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 No. 3 was not covered with me, there is no way i would be comfortable with that, although i am sure it may work for others. The point of number 3 is that you should have the option. If it is uncomfortable for you, you can decline, but let's get real: it's not irrational to be concerned about someone being friends with an ex depending on context. An ex from 10 years ago, not a big deal, but your most recent bf/gf may be. For me, I am not uncomfortable. If it is uncomfortable for your ex, I take that as a sign that you have not moved on and aren't ready for friendship. A 10 year ex in town for a conference wanting to grab lunch isn't the same thing as a recent ex who you remain close to. It's not about control. It's about visibility. When casual dating, fine. But once you agree to be exclusive, that means something to most people. The question is: if they are just friends, why can't I meet them? It's mostly a sign they are over the ex. If they are willing to introduce you as their new bf/gf, then that's a pretty good indicator that they have moved on. If they are unwilling to integrate you into the friendship because it would hurt the ex's feelings, to me that means they shouldn't be friends because they aren't ready or they are still too attached. I struggled long and hard with that thought process, wondering "is it controlling?" In an absolute sense, yes. I'm talking about repeatedly hanging out with an ex after you've been exclusive, not a one time meet for coffee for an hour. In that case, if you are exclusive, you should meet the ex like you would any friend and be introduced as the bf/gf.
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