Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Plus SG you hated it when people questioned your relationship w/ your ex and said you were in denial so why do that same thing to LB. Most of the time I feel like LB and her bf's "fights" are just confrontations where important issues are brough up and addressed. As for couples and fighting, I would not remain in a relationship where there were screaming fights/silents. My current SO and I very rarely argue though it happens. We went through a 1-2 month period where we were sort of off which was rough but we worked through it when I finally approached it head on. My most recent ex and I bickered a bit during our 4 month half-assed relationship, it prevented things from ever feeling really close and happy. Thanks Allina. I don't think my relationship is unhealthy, we had the same fight over and over again because it didn't get resolved. Which yeah that doesn't sound good either but we did actually work through it. We also have more confrontational arguments, where things get a tad heated but it usually never escalates to the point where we are yelling or screaming. After the few big fights over Christmas we sat down and really talked over everything. Sorry I didn't mean to turn this into my thread. We don't have a constant cycle of bickering/arguing/making up. We have fights here and there and then we work it out. I don't think that's unhealthy. I suppose I'd rather have my bf tell me whats bothering him then keep it all inside to "keep the peace." But anyway, I think we just went through a rough patch, but we are working through it.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Your "boyfriend" hasn't even told you he loves you, though. Yeah he has, about a year and a half ago!
ElvenPriestess Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Yeah he has, about a year and a half ago! Hmm, I had that problem in one of my relationships. Why does he never tell you exactly? And I'm happy to hear you guys are working it out btw. And you're right, it is better to say something rather than not for the sake of peace, as it will just manifest itself in other ways.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Hmm, I had that problem in one of my relationships. Why does he never tell you exactly? And I'm happy to hear you guys are working it out btw. And you're right, it is better to say something rather than not for the sake of peace, as it will just manifest itself in other ways. Wait, what? No, I meant my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time last year. Since then he has told me every day. But yeah we are working things out. I don't think any relationship is absolutely perfect, everyone has problems. If they didn't then I would be out of a job! But, we have argued over the same thing multiple times (once every couple months, not frequent everyday type things), but we have worked thorugh it. The purpose of the thread was not to wine about my own problems or get advice on my own situation, just to ask about people's experiences regarding ongoing, constant arguing. I'd like to think that such relationships do end badly. Arguing makes me absolutely miserable, so I'm not sure how people can have a CONSTANT (meaning weekly, daily, fights, ect). cycle of fighting. Just wanted to see what people thought about that.
Touche Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I think EP is confusing you with Star Gazer and her relationship.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 I think EP is confusing you with Star Gazer and her relationship. Yeah, that's what I think too.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Wait, what? No, I meant my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time last year. Since then he has told me every day. But yeah we are working things out. I don't think any relationship is absolutely perfect, everyone has problems. If they didn't then I would be out of a job! But, we have argued over the same thing multiple times (once every couple months, not frequent everyday type things), but we have worked thorugh it. The purpose of the thread was not to wine about my own problems or get advice on my own situation, just to ask about people's experiences regarding ongoing, constant arguing. I'd like to think that such relationships do end badly. Arguing makes me absolutely miserable, so I'm not sure how people can have a CONSTANT (meaning weekly, daily, fights, ect). cycle of fighting. Just wanted to see what people thought about that. Wow I really misunderstood! My bad! Well insight on daily arguing, yes I've been there, had a two year relationship like that for the second year. On the other one, the two year one, we were both miserable. At each other's throats all the time. COMPLETE incompatibility. And we were only happy away from each other. And eventually enough was enough and I left. I couldn't take it anymore and neither could he. It got so bad he was a violent drunk. And I mean we argued over the same things ALL THE TIME. And honestly, what I think about that type of fighting, is it's a self-destructive cycle. It has to stop, and if after so many tries amongst the couple fails, it has to end. The relationship that is, because it only ruins both people.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Yeah, that's what I think too. :confused:Sorry LB:o
Lishy Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 (edited) Back to the original topic though, fighting in a realtionship is not a problem, it is how it is done. Having a fight/argument where you scream and swear and call names is not acceptable at all, but have an argument and sorting out the problem is very normal. I would say that couples who never argue are far and few between. Everyone is different, so of course you will disagree at times! Edited January 17, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed off topic comments
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Star Gazer--you always come off as very jealous/insecure of Lauriebell's relationship--why?
shadowplay Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 And yes, IMO, 12 big fights in 18 months is a LOT of fighting. This means that every month and a half there is a "big fight," intermixed with quite a few smaller tiffs (and again, that's only counting the fights you post about - I'm sure there's more). There's so much conflict and tension between you two, it would literally drive me insane. I don't know how you do it. But I sense that you're not okay with the amount in which you two argue either, otherwise this topic wouldn't really be of interest to you. I agree with this.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I've given this topic some more thought. I do know some people that seem to need a certain amount of conflict and drama in their lives. It doesn't work for me, but perhaps it does for your friend and her hubby. Any relationship involves some differences of opinion. As it has already been said by many posters, the important thing is how conflict is resolved.
Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Star Gazer--you always come off as very jealous/insecure of Lauriebell's relationship--why? Huh?! Far from it. I couldn't handle her relationship, there's way too much arguing. Besides, given how "insecure" you think I am, don't you think the sheer quantity of arguments and tension they experience would drive me over the edge?
bozwa Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Honestly, I think it depends on the relationship and the people within the relationship whether or not frequent arguments are healthy. My bf and I do argue frequently and we are both extrememly happy in our relationship. I wouldn't give him up for the world, nor he me. We argue often yet resolve it ASAP. Before we got to know eachother as we do, arguements happened a lot more frequently than they do now. I honestly feel it was "growning pains" getting to know each other and living together at the same time. I also noticed that the "bigger" arguments took place usually about 1 week before my monthly visitor. LOL!! I'm extra touchy and get mad sometimes over things that really don't warrant getting mad over!! I'm working on that (I was bristling last night over some things and then realized what time of the month it was, rationalized some things out in my mind and kept my mouth shut!!) I realized some time ago that the majority of the arguments we got into were usually my fault - not truly knowing how to communicate what I was feeling or what I was upset about - which of course these situations turned into arguments. As I've worked on MYSELF, the arguments have happened less and less. Overall, basically what I mean by all my babbling is that I feel arguements are definitely healthy to a relationship if RESOLVED and gotten through with both parties feeling satisfied that the issue is taken care of. If things are left hanging and not everything is communicated, then YES, resentment does begin to build. And THAT is not healthy.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 hi everyone, wow I can't believe how many threads this got. I suppose I've always thought that arguing does not mean you are an imcompatible couple, and I do think it depends on the couple as well. Like Bozwa said, she and her bf argue and they are very happy. I also think that it is the WAY you argue that makes it healthy or not. I mean honestly, I don't see how having an argument (not yelling, screaming, swearing) but just a debate-like argument makes you a real bad couple. I'm sure there are some couples who can always stay calm during conflict and it never turns into a fight, but I also believe that they are few and far between.
Lishy Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 My ex would just shut down when we were upset at each other, that was unacceptable to me as it left me in limbo and the problem was not how he dealt with things, it was our differing ways of dealing with things. It caused me much heartache! I would prefer him to ignore me than to shout and swear at me but I would prefer much more if he just spoke to me (or even argued) and we could sort it out at the time and not let it drag for days/weeks!
bozwa Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 hi everyone, wow I can't believe how many threads this got. I suppose I've always thought that arguing does not mean you are an imcompatible couple, and I do think it depends on the couple as well. Like Bozwa said, she and her bf argue and they are very happy. I also think that it is the WAY you argue that makes it healthy or not. I mean honestly, I don't see how having an argument (not yelling, screaming, swearing) but just a debate-like argument makes you a real bad couple. I'm sure there are some couples who can always stay calm during conflict and it never turns into a fight, but I also believe that they are few and far between. Bingo. I can count on less than one hand how many times we have raised our voices. So, yes, it is also in the WAY a couple argues. We might speak in stern, and yes SNOTTY tones to eachother when we argue, but very rare we YELL. We get pissy and snotty and walk away from eachother and huff and puff, but in the end, we calm down, we talk, we resolve. And honestly, IMO, people who always stay calm and who never have conflict, well, it just seems to me that they don't have as much emotionally invested in their relationship. Just my observation.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Bingo. I can count on less than one hand how many times we have raised our voices. So, yes, it is also in the WAY a couple argues. We might speak in stern, and yes SNOTTY tones to eachother when we argue, but very rare we YELL. We get pissy and snotty and walk away from eachother and huff and puff, but in the end, we calm down, we talk, we resolve. And honestly, IMO, people who always stay calm and who never have conflict, well, it just seems to me that they don't have as much emotionally invested in their relationship. Just my observation. I agree with that. I have no clue how people stay real calm when they are pissed off. I mean you can try to stay calm all you want when you are angry at each other but to me it just seems like that's not a natural thing to do. When you love someone and are angry the emotions rise out of your feelings. Yelling and screaming are unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict, and I do think those couples who do that aren't very compatible in the way in which they deal with each other. But I do think that getting pissed off at each other is a natural human reaction. We'd all be robots if we didn't at least get a little ticked off. I think whenever you spend time together you get annoyed at something someone else does. If you didn't I don't think therapist would have a job, and I would have gone to school for 7 years for nothing!
OCB Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Hi there, First of all, it's a bit of a long one but if you can give it five mins i would very much appreciate it. x Being reading all the threads and was hooked. Like the opinions i'm reading, very interesting. How have I come across you? Well, I am very confused. My bf is great, I really love him, we have a special chemistry, a bond, we have our own little lingo, we understand each other with speaking, i'm sure most of you know what i mean. We have been living together pretty much from the start although we had known each other for years but were always in diff scene, diff situation.... He's very fiery and, although that attracts me so much, it's also a pain in the arse when controversial issues come up! We're getting married in sept and i really feel like he's the one, in my heart. but since that feeling and decision came about we argue and most of the times i wonder if i really want to go ahead. Now, we don't argue about trivial stuff, I mean that now the relationship carries many more responsabilities, like roles, ways of looking at problems and core values. I'd really like to see what you guys think about these: We had an argument, quite a while back, when he complained about me being selfish. He then said that I shouldn't think that I was going to wear the trousers in our house because that was his role. ------ Do you think that he just felt insecure, about me making more money and how strong his role was ----- OR do you think that this is a diff in core values that cannot be changed? We argued because he did not think it was right for me to stay over at my parents house, because we are living together and my place is with him -------Do you think this is normal marriage protocol and a way of thinking I should now adapt to ---- OR do you think this is a core value diff ? My girlfriends asked me to go on a 2 day road trip. I rang him to check he was alright about it. And he flipped, saying he would never go on a trip without me, why does it have to be just girls, that we're always saying about going away together and now I go with my girlfriends..... So I've canceled it. And now I'm sat here, after he's walked off, wondering if this is just a new way of thinking, marriage, I am no longer alone but in a unit....or if our core values and ideas of roles and individuality cannot be resolved because they are deeply rooted. I do not want to get divorced. SORRY FOR THE LONG POST. THANKS FOR READING X
Pirouette Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Hi OCB, I'm sorry, but these sound like serious issues to me, only because you seem to disagree with his views about these situations. Your first issue. Wearing the "pants" is such an antiquated idea. If that's a relationship dynamic you feel comfortable with, then it's fine, but if you were expecting an equal sharing of responsibilities and decision making power, then I'd be worried. You should both wear the pants. Why did he call you selfish? Is he going to throw that in your face every time you want to do something that wasn't specifically ordered or endorsed by him? That has the potential to really effect your esteem if your partner uses such language without consideration. Issue 2 & 3. Marriage is different for everyone. There is no standard view and acceptable codes of conduct to follow. What's important is that the two partners agree on what is acceptable and what isn't. If you are not okay with the way he expects you to behave within the marriage, then yes you have a problem. The alignment of core values, I believe, is very important. At the heart of them should be a commitment to respect, love, and trust. This is a talk you should have now before you get married, and you already have some good starting points (these situations that you've described) to hash out in a calm manner.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 18, 2008 Author Posted January 18, 2008 Hi there, First of all, it's a bit of a long one but if you can give it five mins i would very much appreciate it. x Being reading all the threads and was hooked. Like the opinions i'm reading, very interesting. How have I come across you? Well, I am very confused. My bf is great, I really love him, we have a special chemistry, a bond, we have our own little lingo, we understand each other with speaking, i'm sure most of you know what i mean. We have been living together pretty much from the start although we had known each other for years but were always in diff scene, diff situation.... He's very fiery and, although that attracts me so much, it's also a pain in the arse when controversial issues come up! We're getting married in sept and i really feel like he's the one, in my heart. but since that feeling and decision came about we argue and most of the times i wonder if i really want to go ahead. Now, we don't argue about trivial stuff, I mean that now the relationship carries many more responsabilities, like roles, ways of looking at problems and core values. I'd really like to see what you guys think about these: We had an argument, quite a while back, when he complained about me being selfish. He then said that I shouldn't think that I was going to wear the trousers in our house because that was his role. ------ Do you think that he just felt insecure, about me making more money and how strong his role was ----- OR do you think that this is a diff in core values that cannot be changed? We argued because he did not think it was right for me to stay over at my parents house, because we are living together and my place is with him -------Do you think this is normal marriage protocol and a way of thinking I should now adapt to ---- OR do you think this is a core value diff ? My girlfriends asked me to go on a 2 day road trip. I rang him to check he was alright about it. And he flipped, saying he would never go on a trip without me, why does it have to be just girls, that we're always saying about going away together and now I go with my girlfriends..... So I've canceled it. And now I'm sat here, after he's walked off, wondering if this is just a new way of thinking, marriage, I am no longer alone but in a unit....or if our core values and ideas of roles and individuality cannot be resolved because they are deeply rooted. I do not want to get divorced. SORRY FOR THE LONG POST. THANKS FOR READING X Wow, you are about to make a huge mistake. Your fiance sounds extremely controlling. Yeah you wanna check with your spouse before you do things, but telling them they CAN'T do certain things is not what marriage is all about. I suggest you start your own thread about the situation to get other opinions. I'm sure everyone is going to say the same thing though, that this guy doesn't sound like he is going to be a very good husband!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 21, 2008 Author Posted January 21, 2008 YAY, my bf and I had such an awesome weekend. We had the best time together and even though there was a crapload of snow we still had a wonderful time. We had a minor disagreement (it wasn't anything big), but talked through the entire thing. Just thought I'd share my excitement with everyone!
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